One Day
by English badass
Summary: One story written from two perspectives. It can be tedious reading the same event but I wanted the challenge of writing from a male point of view. Sarah, oc, is the daughter of a rock icon who's life has left her a little less human. Maybe it takes a 'Dead Man' to make her heart beat again. Set December '05 onwards. WARNING: Strong language and adult content.
1. Welcome to my life

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Welcome to my life.**

_I hate these stupid dinners. So what if it's for a good cause? Does it really mean I have to suffer this indignity? All dressed up like a princess and being leered at by all the creeps who don't even know me and are only here for the free champaign? _

"Hey there, kiddo. How are you holding up?" Alex asked, handing me a drink.

"I'm just about still here. Although, I am playing the film 'Top Gun' in my head!"

Alex laughed at me and put a supportive hand on my shoulder. "I know you think these events are boring, so should I tell everyone it's your birthday tomorrow and that you inherit a fortune? I think that would liven things up!"

"Don't you dare!" I would drop dead on the spot if that happened. "You would have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life!"

Alex laughed and shook his head. "Always with the threats! So, since it is your 21st tomorrow, what do you want to do? Don't worry, I haven't planned a surprise party because I know it would be more than my life is worth!"

"Damn right it would! I don't really feel like doing anything. Let's just stick to my lesson and then lunch. That will do me just fine."

"It's not just the fact you don't like birthdays is it? What else is wrong? Come on, talk to me Goose." Alex smiled at me and, despite myself, I laughed at his 'Top Gun' reference.

"I'm just missing dad. I wish he could be here. I miss him so much."

Alex looked surprised at my honesty and hugged me as told me he felt the same. He and my dad were like brothers and I know it pained him too. I quickly escaped the hug and went off to find my date.

I had been dating James for about three weeks and I liked him. I like how his mind worked but that was as far as the attraction went. I hadn't slept with him yet because I didn't want to be disappointed. We have kissed and touched each other up, but I didn't feel anything, there is no chemistry and no longing. James was definitely attracted to me, judging by what I felt pressing up against me right now, but all it did was make me cringe. _Damn it. Just leave me alone._

"Why don't you go and do your speech and we can get out of here." James was nuzzling into my neck, because that's how far he could reach, and I pushed him off me.

"Why don't you take a cold shower and let me finish my work?" I snapped at him, only to regret it a second later. "Sorry. I just get nervous when I have to speak to strangers."

James put his glass of champaign down and by the look on his face, I knew I would be spending the rest of the night without a date.

"You're always sorry. You're always running off with important stuff to do and you never tell me what you're thinking. You don't feel anything do you? When are you going to stop trying to save the world and start trying to save yourself?" James finished off by telling me he didn't want to see me again until I had figured out what emotions were.

_OK, so I'm going to be without a date for a lot longer that the rest of the evening!_ I didn't really care. I wasn't losing anything, I wasn't in love with him. Hell, I didn't even find him attractive. _Another one bites the dust._ That made it six guys in one year who walked out on me, and the more it happened, the less I cared. The truth of it was, I wasn't even interested in dating or getting close to anyone. I just did it because it was deemed 'the norm' for a woman of my age to be doing. I had no interest what so ever in men. Eddie took care of that and I had grown up so much since then.

I had made my speech and raised a truck load of money for the charity, but it wasn't enough. Since I took on the job of campaigner for the NSPCC last year, I had raised almost fifty million and most of that was from events like this. My next task was to raise awareness, to tell anyone who would listen about the horrors endured by innocent children at the hands of those who are supposed to love and protect them.

"Nice job up there. You are getting so much better at speaking in public and I am so proud of you." Alex came to hug me and I let him. "Are you drunk?" Alex looked surprised at my momentary softness. _He's going to think I'm soft if I don't get back to normal._

"No! I'm pretty tired though, I think I will head back in a little while."

"Well, before you do..." Alex fished around in his suit jacket pocket and handed me an envelope. "...This is your birthday present. Before you open it, you should know I got you this because it's just 'you' and I know your dad would have gotten you this."

Hearing Alex mention my dad made me apprehensive to open the gift. I had tried so hard not to think of him not being here and Alex was making it difficult for me to push it out of my mind. "Go on...open it, I know it will cheer you up."

I tore open the envelope and almost shrieked out with happiness. This was the best gift ever and I kissed Alex on his cheek and ran over to my best friend Stewie, who was desperately trying to stand up straight and not fall into the potted plant behind him.

"There you fucking are. I have been drinking alone for an hour." Stewie was well beyond drunk and I had to laugh at him.

"You won't care about being solo in a minute. Guess what Alex got me for my birthday..." I never gave Stewie a chance to even attempt a guess. I held the tickets in front of his face and laughed as he tried in vain to focus. "...It's two tickets to Armageddon in a few weeks. And the best bit...two backstage passes!"

"Backstage? As in face to face?" Stewie was wide eyed now and begged me to take him with me.

"I suppose you can tag along. You have no idea how great it is watching it live." I got so excited and just wanted to sleep until someone woke me up in Rhode Island.

"Randy Orton won't know what's hit him!" Stewie giggled as he put the extra ticket in his pocket.

"No, I'm sure he won't!" I laughed and went the the concierge at the front desk of the posh Mayfair hotel and asked him to call a taxi for me.

"I'll have one of our cars come get you, Miss Delgado."

Sure enough, a very big and very luxurious Mercedes SLK came to the front of the hotel and I was chauffeured back to my dads house.

_At last. I can get out of this God awful dress and crash in front of the TV. _I showered and changed into my nightwear before spreading out on the couch with a cup of tea while I watched the programme I had recorded earlier. I just pressed play when the phone rang. _For goodness sake, just leave me alone._

I answered and it was Alex, making sure I got back OK.

"Yeah, obviously I got back safe. I answered the phone didn't I! Just sat down to watch 'Smackdown' then I'm off to bed."

"All right then, kiddo. I'll come pick you up for your lesson tomorrow."

I got off the phone with Alex and got back to the TV.

I went up to my room and sat on my bed and looked at the ticket Alex had gotten me. I was so excited earlier, but now I was filled with dread. My dad always took me to the big WWE events when he had time, but I hadn't been since Summer Slam '98. I watched it on TV for a few months after, right as the attitude era was kicking off, but then my dad got sick and I was too busy looking after him. I started watching it again a couple of months ago, but it the memories still felt raw. _I miss you, daddy._

I went into his room, it looked exactly the same as it did two years ago. Same wallpaper, same clinical smell and same bed. I lay down and hugged my dad's pillow and cried myself to sleep, just like I did the night he died.


	2. Here we go again

**CHAPTER TWO**

**Here We Go Again.**

"Damn it, I have to go. Just stop being so fucking controlling." I was livid about having this same argument again. It happens every time I have to go to work.

"You always say that, you always say you have to go, but you don't. You have plenty of time owing and you need to take it, or don't you remember promising that you would do some chores around here? You have hardly spent any time at home and I'm getting sick of it." _And I'm getting fucking sick of you. _

Sara yelled and it woke the baby up. "Shit. Now look at what you've done." She turned on her heels and stormed upstairs to the nursery.

_Fuck this. Fuck this house and fuck her._ I went upstairs for my bags, which I never bother unpacking, and followed Sara to the nursery.

"Look Sara, I know it's tough for you right now, but I will take some time off soon. I really promise this time."

Sara lay Gracie back in her cradle and motioned for me to follow her to our room. I kissed Gracie on her head and watched as she made suckling noises before drifting back off in to a deep sleep.

Sara was sat on the bed waiting for me. She was sulking, as usual, and had her arms folded across her chest. "Don't make that face. You know it always gets you what you want." I tried to lighten her mood, but I failed miserably.

"Shut the fuck up. All I want is for my husband to be home. Is that too much to ask?"

"So now I'm your husband? I thought I was only your husband when I bought you something. You don't really seem to care any other time."

Sara stood up and put her hands on my face. "Why don't I show you that I'm your wife and you're my husband?" She kissed me and I didn't really want to go through the same old cycle again. It was the same every time I had to go on the road. She would sulk, I would yell, she would try to win me over with sex and then she would sulk again. But fuck it. I'm a man after all!

I got dressed and Sara lay in our bed, sulking. "You trying to set a new record?"

"What?" I looked under the bed and found my shoe. _Where's the other one? Ah! There it is._

"That was five minutes short of your usual ten minutes." Sara sat up and had the look on her face that made me want to slap her. The 'you're not man enough for me' look. _I'm not fucking doing this again. Fuck her._

"Yeah well darlin', if you held my interest a bit more, then maybe I wouldn't be so quick to get it over with." I left the room with my bags before Sara could get up and knock me on my ass. She was over a foot shorter than me, but she packed a punch.

I wrote a note to Maria, our house keeper, and got my jacket. _Come on cab. Be early for once._

"I don't hold your interest?" Sara appeared behind me from out of nowhere and it made me jump. _I hate it when she does that. _ "Well, that's the last time I will be holding any thing of yours." She pointed to my crotch and walked off to the kitchen.

"I don't know why you're going in the kitchen, you sure as shit don't know what to do in there." My retort was followed up with a quick 'fuck you' from Sara and I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I was never like this. We were never like this. I changed my life completely for her, I had become a better person for her, but now all she does is bitch that I'm never home and that I'm not good enough for her even when I am home. I loved her so much once, but now I couldn't give a fuck if she packed up and left. All I care about are my kids.

The cab arrived, just about on time and I picked up my bags and opened the door.

"Don't die in a plane crash will you." Sara sneaked up on me again. I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth, but reacting is exactly what she wanted me to do.

"Yes, I'll have a safe trip. I'll miss you, honey." _Fucking venomous bitch._

I had called Sara when I landed and got to the hotel so I could talk to Chasey before her bedtime. If I didn't have two beautiful daughters, I would have walked out on Sara a long time ago. She was becoming insufferable.

I was sat in my dressing room, bored of all the waiting around I had done. I got to the arena at three and did the usual last minute rehearsals and did the fan signing, then I had an early dinner in the cafeteria and I heard the guys laughing about ribbing each other. I heard that one of the rookies had to have their bag searched at the airport because Jericho put a baggie of talcum powder in the poor guys bag and alerted a customs officer.

I missed days like that. I'm getting too old for their tricks now, not that anyone would dare pull a stunt on me, but I was envious of their care-free attitudes.

"You in there?" I heard Glenn shout through the door.

"Yeah, come on in." I got up and got us both a bottle of water. _I need a whiskey._ Glenn sat on the little couch and spread his arms out, leaving no room for me to sit back down, so I went to sit in the leather chair that was perpendicular to the couch.

"Is that baby keeping you awake? You look like you haven't slept." Glenn leaned forward and looked at the bags under my eyes.

"It's not Gracie, although she's still waking every three hours. It's other stuff." Glenn was one of the few people I ever confided in, I found it hard to trust anyone with my personal stuff.

"So it's Sara?" Glenn didn't look at all surprised when I nodded to confirm it was.

"Jesus man, you shouldn't put up with her crap. I mean, your The Undertaker!"


	3. Heaven in a cell

**CHAPTER THREE**

**Heaven in a Cell.**

The weeks past quickly. My time was taken up with meetings and lunches with business men and financial consultant's telling me where to invest my inheritance and about the state of the FISCAL market. I was bored and I was restless.

The press were getting on my nerves about how much of a lovely young woman I had become now that I'm 21. In other words, they like my tits.

I was constantly hounded by interviewers and fans alike about stepping into my dads shoes and becoming a singer, then criticised for not wanting to talk about my dad or the possibility of my fronting his band. I couldn't sing for toffee anyway, but that didn't matter to them. I was the daughter of a rock legend and that's all they saw in me.

I just wanted to be left alone to get on with my work at the NSPCC, but it was just non stop harassment.

Three days ago, I thought I might try to use the media for my benefit and I did a photo shoot for FHM magazine in a sort of naughty business woman suit, with stockings and underwear on display and used the opportunity to raise awareness about child abuse. I regret it now, prostituting myself is not something I can be proud of.

"Now pull in here and park."

I did as my instructor told me and performed what I considered to be a perfect reverse park into a small space. We got out of the little Golf GTI and I waited patiently for the result.

"Well, Ms Delgado." The instructor flipped back and forth through his clip board and it started to get on my nerves. _Come on. You Nazi git._ "Aside from not checking your rear-view mirror enough, you have done very well." _Woo Hoo! Happy dance time!_ "Before you get too excited, I did say you didn't check your rear-view mirrors enough. So promise you will take more notice of the traffic around you, especially at peak times."

"It's London, for Christ sake. I'll be up the arse of one car and I'll have a car behind up my arse. It's wall to wall traffic in London no matter what time of day it is."

My instructor laughed and said he saw my point, but I still had to promise I would be more aware of other vehicles.

"In that case. I can tell you that on everything else, you surpassed all my expectations. You passed with flying colours." I was so pleased I decided to do a lap of honour around the little car.

"Well. How did it go?" Alex was sat waiting for me in our usual seat in the quiet café on the old Kings Road. I flopped onto the chair and rested my elbows on the table.

"He said I didn't pay enough attention to other vehicles and I need to check my rear-view more."

Alex slumped back in his chair and shook his head. "All the lessons I gave you and that's the one thing I told you to be aware of. I'll take you out again today then you can retake the test."

"Well, the instructor told me that as long as I was a good girl and promised to be more vigilant he would pass me!" I smiled, and the look on Alex's face was a Kodak moment!

"You said you failed!"

"No I didn't. I said the instructor warned me about my rear-view mirrors. I never said he failed me. You jumped to conclusions."

"Well, you never said you passed either! Come here!" Alex stood up and opened his arms, waiting for me to give him a cuddle. _Not going to happen. I don't do cuddles. _

I stayed where I was with my bum firmly planted on the seat. "Don't be like that. If anything calls for a cuddle, it's you being allowed to terrorise other motorists!" I had to laugh, and I did get up and gave Alex a very quick hug.

We ate lunch and walked around the Natural History Museum for a while before going back to my dads house, where I sat in my very own part of the garden.

It was only a small part, probably twelve feet by twenty and it was hidden out of view from the house with hedges and other foliage. I had my own little pond where I kept Koi Carp and I often sat here just watching the fish and listening to the tiny waterfall in the pond. This was my little part of the world where I could be alone and shut everything else out.

Friday was upon us and it was time to go and see 'Armageddon.' Stewie had stayed over so he would get up in time, because he was like a teenager. He would sleep 'til noon if no one got him up. Sure enough, I peered around the spare bedroom door, and Stewie was hard fast asleep with drool soaking his pillow. _And I call this guy my brother!_

After taking almost twenty minutes to wake Stewie, I sat and had my usual breakfast of toast and tea while he was pacing up and down, reeling off the things he had packed, just in case he had forgotten something.

"There's one thing you forgot to mention in your list."

Stewie stopped pacing and looked really worried. "What? What have I forgot?"

"You forgot to say 'ticket'. You won't get into the show without a ticket!"

"Oh fuck, shit, bastard, fuck. I left it in my sock drawer!"

Alex drove us to the airport, via Stewie's house, and we got on the plane with no waiting. It was just about the only time I was glad of carrying the weight of the Delgado name.

"Can not fucking wait for this! This is going to be brilliant and I can't wait to get back stage and meet Randy Orton." He was like a kid on a sugar rush.

"You do know that Randy is married." As soon as I said that I knew Stewie wouldn't care.

"Elton John was married and look how that turned out." I had to applaud him for keeping the dream alive.

I sat back and listened to some music while Stewie fell asleep as soon as the plane took off. After about two hours in, I decided to take a nap too because knowing Stewie, he would want us to be out clubbing until all hours.

I got woken up to Stewie screeching the lyrics to 'Amazing Grace' and I knew we had arrived in the US of A.

We spent the rest of the day trying to figure out if we should do things on East coast time or if we should stick to GMT as our body clocks were still not used to the time difference.

"Fuck it. I don't care if it's 2am here. It's 9pm London time, so that means it's steak time!"

Stewie went through the adjoining door of our room to get his coat.

"What do you need a coat for? The hotel has a late bar that serves food until 3am." I held up the brochure for the Marriott Courtyard Providence hotel and pointed to a picture of the bar. "Try reading once in a while and you may learn something!"

Stewie scrunched his face up before it hit him that he didn't have to walk very far for a meal.

"I'll stick to pictures. Reading is your thing, you're the nerd in the family."

Although Stewie wasn't a blood relative, he was my big brother none the less. I met him 4 years ago while I was out late night Christmas shopping with a few friends. It was pretty late and it was freezing. The wind chill factor took the temperature down to -5. I took a short cut down an ally with my friend Elle and there was a teenage boy huddled in a doorway trying to keep warm. He looked homeless and a few men walked past and jeered him. I felt sorry for him and offered to get him a hot drink and a meal. Elle freaked out saying he was probably on drugs but he showed no signs of that.

I took him to the nearest Aberdeen Steak house and it was the first and only time I used my name to get something. The front of house person looked down his nose at him, saying they don't let 'his sort' in the establishment. I told the snobby bastard who my dad was and it got us the best seat they had.

After talking with Stewie for a an hour, I realised he was a smart kid who was never given a chance in life. His dad was a drunk and beat him up and threw him out when Stewie tried to tell him he was gay.

I took him home with me, only to give him a warm bed for the night, but then he met my dad and they hit it off.

I remember my dad saying I had done a good thing bringing him home, that he saw the potential in Stewie too, and invited him to come live with us.

Now he has his own house, that he has earned, and I can see the ambition to do better for himself grow stronger every day.

Sunday felt like waiting for the results of a pregnancy test (I assume!) even Stewie was pacing back and forth, checking his watch every five minutes waiting for 6pm so we could go to the arena and he wasn't a fan of wrestling as such. He had a thing for Randy Orton but that was as far as it went. The minutes felt like hours and the only thing we could do to pass the time was eat! I think I have put on a stone since being in America. The portions are huge!

The time was finally upon us. I took my seat on the front row at the corner of the entrance ramp and the ring, Stewie sat in the seat next to me and he was jumping up and down with excitement. I felt slightly different. The memories came flooding back. All the shows I saw with my dad, him swearing at the heels, then telling me not to repeat what he had said. It was like sitting with a ghost and that ghost was like a lead weight.

Matches were fought and drama unfolded, but it was time for what Stewie and I had come to see.

The cell descended from the high ceiling and surrounded the ring. The crowd went nuts as the feud had culminated to this Hell in a Cell match.

Stewie practically had a 'crisis' as Randy Orton walked past us and entered the cell and wouldn't stop commenting on how sexy he thought Orton is.

"You can't do anything about it, his daddy is here to protect him!" I pointed to 'cowboy' Bob Orton and Stewie didn't care. I didn't think he would!

"Taker will bow down to Randy after this match is over. Not in the same way I will though!"

"Dirty git. There will be nothing left of Orton after Taker tombstones him and drags him down to Hell!"

"Don't play favourites, will you? Just because you're a sadistic bitch doesn't mean you have to side with Taker!" Stewie folded his arms across his chest and sulked like I had genuinely offended his boyfriend! "My guy will kick your guy's arse!"

I laughed at Stewie and then joined in with the crowd chanting Undertakers name before the ominous dong of the bell sent the crowd into a frenzy. The arena was plunged into darkness and Takers music filled every square inch of the arena. The Undertaker appeared through a cloud of smoke and began his slow procession down the ramp. It was electric and made my heart thump, just like it did when I came to see the shows years before, but back then The Undertaker was in his Ministry phase and I don't really know why he's The Dead Man again but who cares? It's the freaking Undertaker! His entrance is just breath taking.

"Oh my God, he's fucking huge!" Stewie was stood, jaw open, looking at The Undertaker as he took off his long coat before getting in the ring and slamming the cell door behind him. I love it when he does that!

The match took a while to get going but once it did, it was amazing. The obligatory knocking out of the ref made me laugh my head off because the unconscious ref was replaced by my favourite referee. I think his name is Charles, and he is such a drama queen. Every time a big move is hit, he jumps or reacts like he has just witnessed the bombing of Hiroshima! I love this guy!

After about twenty minutes or so, 'Taker tombstoned Bob Orton and then did the same to Randy. He covered him for the three count. The crowd cheered and got on their feet as 'Taker climbed the cell and surveyed his damage from the top.

I was gutted that the event was over, I could so easily become addicted to this! Stewie was jumping up and down on the spot. "You have got to bring me to see this again! This was fucking awesome! Is it time for backstage? Is it?" Stewie sounded like a kid asking if Santa had been.

"Yes it is." I picked up my bag and pretended to warm up like a boxer ready for his walk to the ring. "Are you ready? Because I don't think Randy Orton is!"


	4. Killer of the legend killer

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**Killer of The Legend Killer**

"I just don't know." I was sat with Glenn Jakob just before his match and he was asking how things were going at home. "She is really pushing me and sometimes I just want to walk out. This is even affecting my work."

"I don't know why you don't leave. I know you have your girls, but is it worth them seeing the pair of you unhappy?"

I had often wondered the same thing. Is this affecting the kids? I know Sara is a good mom, but she is a terrible wife and I don't really see how my girls can be happy if Sara and I aren't.

"You should have heard her yesterday morning. She was really pissed about my going away, but the funny thing was, I called her this morning and she said that she had plans to keep her busy while I'm away and that she doesn't want me calling home. I don't know what to think."

Glenn slumped back in the couch of my dressing room and let out a huge sigh. He shook his head and I know he was thinking the same thing as I was. "Talk to Amy. Sara and her are pretty tight, if something is going on then chances are she'd have told Amy. You know chicks can't keep anything to themselves." '_If something is going on.' _Glenn was thinking the same thing.

"Would she really tell someone I work with about an affair?" The thought had crossed my mind that she was cheating a number of times over the past year, but she never gave anything away. It was just a feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"I don't know. You just have to do whatever it is that you want to do. If you leave Sara, then you better make sure it's because you have proof. Don't walk out just because she's getting on your nerves because you will only regret it later. I've got to get ready now, but I'll see you later on." Glenn was already in his Kane outfit and he had a tag team match with Paul Wight against Rey and Dave Bautista.

"Yeah, good luck tonight, don't let Dave fuck up. Are you getting a drink at the hotel later?"

"You try and stop me! I'm sticking around for this meet and greet after the show then I'll be off back to the hotel."

"What meet and greet?" _I fucking hate those things. Same fucking questions. Same fucking people._ We had already done the fan signing stuff earlier today and this was the first I had heard about another one. And for it to be after a show?

"It's some celebrity who had backstage passes. I don't know who it is though, Vince never said who it is, he only said to be polite and that he definitely wants you there because they are a big 'Taker fan. I thought he would have mentioned it since you have to be there."

I know it's the fans that keep us in business, but I hated having fans after the show. All I want to do when I've finished is take a shower, change my clothes and go back to the hotel for something to eat and a drink. Now I had to wait around for some celebrity I have probably never heard of and play nice.

I was warming up in my dressing room when I got the knock on the door, telling me I had five minutes to get to my position.

I got to the big black curtain and stood next to Randy. "Let's give 'em a show!" I shook Randy and Bob's hand as Randy's entrance music hit and he and his father went out on to the stage. The crowd had a mixed reaction to him, but I could see the potential in this young kid. He would go far in this business.

I put on my hat and did my usual jumping up and down on the spot to warm up before clearing my mind and letting the darkness wash over me. The gong hit and the persona of the Dead Man took over and everything else was forgotten. _He's here._

As I walked out into the arena, it still surprised me to this very day how well the character of The Undertaker was received.

I stood looking up at the cell, the adrenalin was pumping through me. The crowd were amazing and it really pumped me up. I even hid a smile when I heard some British kid saying I was huge! I always hear that when there's someone in the front row who's never been before. It's almost become a tradition as I stand at the bottom of the ramp.

It was over. I stood on top of the cell and watched Randy and Bob walk away in defeat. I surveyed the crowd and I felt like we had put on a good show for these people, sure, we missed a few spots, but it went great.

I climbed down from the cell and made my way back stage and into the showers.

After getting into my clothes, Glenn knocked on the door and said we had to go to the green room with a few of the other guys for this meet and greet I had been roped into.

"I'll be there in two. I'm not staying long though, I have had enough waiting around today."

"You are such a miserable bastard, you get your ass out here and do your job. Even Vince has flown from Connecticut to be here."

Hearing Glenn say Vince had flown in made me realize this must be important. He never shows his face unless it benefits him.

"Fine. I'm coming now." I tied my boots and checked I hadn't left anything while I put on my jacket. _Just get it over with._


	5. First blush

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**First blush**

We were told to wait at the end of a long corridor while someone came to get us. I was sort of excited to meet the wrestlers, especially The Undertaker, but I was a little bit apprehensive too. I don't like being in a room full of strangers and I don't like talking to groups of people, but I can fake and bluff my way through any situation and this was going to be no different. I could hide behind the mask that I always wore. The happy, smiling, I'm not affected by life mask.

"Can not wait for this! Do you think I should get Randy's number?" Stewie was acting like a teenage girl.

"Oh yeah! I can just see it now. True love and happy ever after for the two of you!"

"Don't be such a cynic. You always have to look on the dark side of everything."

"I'm just a realist. I look on the dark side because that's all there is to see." Stewie was about to argue back when someone tapped me on my shoulder. Stewie's face went white, which was tough to do for a black guy, and his jaw dropped. I turned to see Vince McMahon smiling at me.

"It's been a long time." Vince said as he extended his hand for me to shake.

"I'm surprised you remember me. I haven't been to a show for seven years!" I shook Vince's hand then realised he had probably been told who I was and that he has met me before.

"Well I'm happy to see you back in the front row. Did you ever finish that cube?" I was surprised at that comment.

I last met Vince McMahon at Summer Slam 1998 and I was sat in a room trying to do a Rubix Cube while my dad talked to Vince before introducing himself to me. _He actually remembers me?_

"Yeah!" I laughed "I finished it in the car on the way back!"

"Good to know you have brains as well as beauty!" I had to hold back a scowl. I hated anyone commenting on how I look, or how they think I look. "Have you and your friend had a good time?" Vince looked at Stewie and realised how rude I was. I hadn't even introduced Stewie, who was still open mouthed.

"This is Stewie, he's my adopted older brother..."

"Less of the older. You're only four years younger, missy!" He beamed as Vince shook his hand.

"Stewie is a very big Randy Orton fan and he has a little crush on him!" Vince laughed but he looked like he didn't know how else to respond. "I enjoyed every match, but I have to say that the Hell in a Cell was brilliant!"

"Well I'm glad to hear it. Are you folks ready to meet my superstars?"

Stewie and I nodded and followed Vince to a room just around the corner. I was really nervous now. Not just because of being in a room full of strangers, but because I might meet The Undertaker. I had always been a big fan, ever since I watched his début at Survivor Series and I was in the front row with my dad and one of my friends, who cried his eyes out when he saw the Dead Man. I don't know what it was about him that draws me to the character. I guess he just appeals to the darkness in me.

The door opened and was immediately greeted by a huge man, then another. I recognised them both as Kane and The Big Show. Stewie almost keeled over at the size of them, but then he saw Randy Orton and went straight over to him.

"Looks like you've been left solo. I'm Glenn." The guy I recognised as Kane shook my hand and I told him I enjoyed his tag team match. He thanked me and then The Big Show introduced himself as Paul. It seemed weird hearing their real names, and as nice as these guys were being, I was starting to get creeped out. I could feel someone's eyes on me and I didn't know where it was coming from. I could see everyone in the room and they were talking amongst themselves and no one was looking at me. _Odd. I'm probably just tired._

I talked with Glenn and Paul for a while before rescuing Randy Orton from Stewie.

"Hi. Is this gentleman bothering you?" I asked Randy, who laughed.

"Not at all. He was just telling me that you are a 'Taker fan and you were happy he kicked my ass tonight!" I laughed at him, but didn't deny it! "I think he's around here somewhere. I saw him come in." Randy started looking around the room and Stewie was just looking up at him, doe eyed.

I elbowed him and was met with an elbow back and a frown. Then he went back to looking up at Randy. _Bless him!_

I was smiling away at the thought of Stewie getting down on one knee and proposing to Randy, when I looked behind him and caught a guy looking at me, he turned his head as soon as I looked over and I didn't know who it was. He was sat down in the far back corner of the room and he had his back to me.

I wasn't the type of person to introduce myself to any one and I didn't like meeting new people, in fact, I usually avoided it at all costs, but something made me walk over to this guy sat in the corner.

His hair was just about shoulder length, with a folded bandanna tied around his head. He was wearing black jeans and had on a dark green cotton jacket. I walked in front of him so I could see who it was and he looked up at me. _Wow. _I couldn't believe the the somersaults my heart was doing, he looks so different out of character and his green eyes were devastating.

"I'm Sarah." I managed to get out. I put out my hand and I think I was smiling. He stood up and looked down to me, I couldn't stop looking into his eyes and as I felt his hand wrap around mine, I felt thing I have never felt before. Want. Desire. Lust.

"Is that with the 'h' or without?" _God damn his voice is sexy. Focus, Sarah, he asked you a question._

"Erm...It's with the 'h'. Yeah." _I don't even know how to spell my name. Jesus Christ, what is he doing to me?_

He looked me up and down and I realised he still had hold of my hand. "Well, Sarah with an 'h', I'm Mark. Nice to meet you little lady." My knees felt weak and I felt my face heat up at the mental image I had of his hands all over me. I can't believe the things I was thinking. I can't believe the things I was feeling. I can't believe I blushed! _I never feel like this. Never ever. What the Hell is wrong with me?_

"Hmm." I nodded as I couldn't do anything else. _Frigging Hell, I can't even speak English any more. _ He let go of my hand and said he had to go.

"OK." I smiled and watched him walk over to Kane, say a few words then walk out the room. _What the Hell was that?_ I felt like I had been hit by a bus and left for dead. _Did The Undertaker just take my soul?_


	6. If only

**CHAPTER SIX**

**If Only...**

I got to the green room with Glenn and Vince eye balled me straight away. _Here we go.._

"I've had to keep Ms Delgado waiting until you decided to show up. I don't want this young lady kept waiting any more, so if you'll excuse me, I'll go fetch our guest." _Oh she doesn't want to wait? What about me? I've been here for almost nine hours._

I couldn't be bothered with this, I wanted nothing more than to be sat at the bar with something to take this back ache away, but I knew Vince would have a fit if I left without meeting his 'young lady'. The name Delgado seemed familiar, but I didn't associate it with a girl.

"You got chewed out! You're lucky Vince didn't sit you in the corner!" Glenn laughed, but he gave me a good idea.

"I think I'll preempt it." I went and found a stool and sat on it right in the back corner of the green room, I could only just see the door from here. _Fuck it. If this 'young lady' wants to meet me, she can come find me._

Vince came back in and I saw Glenn almost run to the door. I had no idea what could have made that lazy bastard move so quick, and I wasn't going to find out either because Paul was hovering around the doorway and no fucker could see past him. I saw Vince come towards me and I turned my back. _Here we go again._

"What the fuck are you sat here for?" Vince's brow was more wrinkled than usual and the vein in the side of his head was just visible. Only when a superstar fucks up big, do you see the full on prominence of it.

"I thought I'd be a nice guy. You say this person wants to see me, so I thought I'd let some of the other guys get a look in first. Don't worry, I'll play nice in a few minutes, I just have to take a load off because my back is fucked from tonight."

Vince's expression eased and asked if I needed to see Doc Roberts.

"No man, I'm cool. I'll just let Glenn and the others have a turn then I'll go and sweet talk your guest." Vince seemed happy with that, but I had no intention of sweet talking anyone. If this chick wanted to talk to me, she could come to me.

I turned back to face the room to check that Vince wasn't eye balling me any more and as I did, I saw Vince's guest move her way through the crowd that had gathered around her and she was stunning. And tall, she has to be close to 6 feet in flat shoes. She was wearing tight jeans and one of my merchandise Tee's, her long black hair was tied up. She was truly beautiful. _ I can't believe I'm staring at this woman. _Sure I've seen attractive women before but this was different, I actually felt attracted to her. _If only I wasn't a_ _married man with a baby at home._

I watched her for a while as she talked to Glenn, who was practically drooling on her, and she turned her head and smiled. _God, she's got a beautiful smile._ _Who's she smiling at?_ I followed her eye line and she was looking towards Randy. _It's always fucking Orton who gets the women._ She went over to talk with him and it pissed me off. _I thought she was here to see me?_ She started talking to a little black guy who was looking up at Randy and she elbowed him and I heard her giggle. Randy was looking around the room for something, I figure he was probably looking to see if anyone would tell his wife if he left with this woman. _I'd show you a better time than he would darlin'._ I had to shake my head to try and get the dirty little things I was thinking out of there, because I may hate being with Sara but I'm still married to the bitch. _Fuck it. Looking doesn't make me a cheat._

I noticed how the T-shirt this woman wore was about two sizes too big, Hell, I could have fit in it, but it didn't completely hide her figure. The shape of her breasts was still slightly visible and she wasn't exactly in a training bra.

_Oh fuck. _I had to turn real quick on my stool because she looked right at me and I didn't know what to do. This woman was affecting me in a way I hadn't felt for a long time and I didn't know how else my body might react if she spoke to me. I saw a pair of long, shapely legs appear in front of me and I looked up to find this woman stood looking at me. _God, she's got a beautiful face._

"I'm Sarah." She said as she held out her hand. She smiled her devastating smile at me and I didn't know what planet I was on. _Great, her name is the same as my wife's. This isn't going to fuck my head up much._

I stood up and took her hand in mine. The electricity sparking through me was undeniable, I looked into her deep blue eyes and wanted to see what she was hiding under that shirt. My shirt. _Don't do something stupid, big guy, just_ s_ay something you idiot, she's staring right at you._ I asked how she spelled her name and she mumbled that it was with an 'h'. I looked down her body and I was starting to feel a rush of blood as I pictured touching her all over. _Fucking Hell, you're married. Quit looking._

"Well, Sarah with an 'h', I'm Mark. Nice to meet you little lady." A flash of color appeared on her cheeks as she broke eye contact and looked to the floor. _Just get out of here. Don't put yourself in temptations way. Just leave and call your fucking wife._

"Sorry about this, but I have to go. Hope you enjoyed your night." I let go of her hand, that I realized I had been holding all this time and walked over to Glenn.

"What was that? You used to look at Sara that way." Glenn searched for answers but I had none to give. "Actually, no you didn't. You have never looked at a woman that way before."

"I have to go, but just leave it alone."

I got back to the hotel and text Sara. I ate a late supper and heard my cell chime. _Finally Sara..._ But it wasn't my wife. _Where the Fuck is she? It's been over an hour._

'Are you coming to the bar or what?' I replied to Glenn that I was on my way down and I didn't realize how much I needed a drink. All thought I was waiting for my wife to contact me, I couldn't shake the Sarah with an 'h' out of my head, there was just something about her that left me wanting more. _Sarah Delgado. Why does that sound familiar? Why does she look familiar?_

I walked in to the bar and spotted Glenn, it was hard not to when he was closer to seven feet than I was. Glenn already had a drink waiting for me, which I downed in one go.

"How's Sara?"

"I don't know, I only spoke to her for a minute then I left." I ordered us both another drink and drank that down in one too.

"You left? What did you do? Fly back home for and hour then fly back?" Glenn looked as confused as I was before I realized he was asking about my wife. _Fuck. Why didn't I think of Sara straight away?_

"I thought you were asking about the Sarah who came back stage today. Just leave it alone, I have had a rough few days and I'm not thinking straight."

"Nothing of mine was thinking straight talking to her, I can tell you! Man, she is one hot piece of ass!" I did agree with Glenn, but for some reason I found myself a bit offended by him talking that way about her. I ordered a bourbon and Glenn looked at me while I knocked it back.

"What? I worked hard tonight, I think I deserve a drink." I raised my glass up to the bartender and he came and poured me another.

"You go ahead. Maybe when you get shit faced you will tell me what was going on in the green room." Glenn tipped his head and gave a sly wink.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I knew full well, but I didn't want to talk about the fact I really wished I wasn't married when I met Sarah today.

"Oh come on! I have never seen you look at a woman like that. I could see you were wanting her, Jesus, every guy in that room wanted her so why are you getting all defensive about it?"

"Just fuck off. Yeah, she was hot, but I don't cheat on my wife." I slammed my glass down and got up to go to the restroom when Glenn stopped me.

"Well, no one is saying you are cheating, but you better watch how much you drink because I invited her here to have a drink with us. If only you weren't married, eh!"


	7. Second Glance

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**Second Glance**

I was left in utter confusion. My body never reacted like that to a man before, not once in my adult life had I been so attracted to someone and it really threw me.

"Hey, guess what..." Stewie didn't give me time to respond. Not that I could have anyway. "Kane has asked if we wanted to go to their hotel for drinks. Can we? We don't have to stay late. So can we?" I had always felt like Stewie's caretaker, but at times like these I felt like his mother!

"Yeah OK, but I'll head back to our room and change first though. Where is their hotel?" The possibility of seeing The Undertaker again was exciting and scary simultaneously.

"It's the Providence Biltmore, it's right across from us. How mad is that?"

Vince came over to me again and shook my hand. "Don't leave it so long next time. If you ever want to come see the show again, you just let me know and I'll save you a seat." Vince handed me his business card and I put it in my pocket. "Front row!"

"Thanks, I appreciate that and I really have had a great time and now I'm apparently off to see how your superstars unwind after a show!" Vince laughed and told me not to be intimidated by them if they get a bit rowdy. "I won't. And thanks again, it was nice to be reacquainted."

I got ready and I actually put on make up this time. I never usually do, but I was getting a spot and I had to admit it was partly because The Undertaker might be there. _What is up with me? Pull yourself together, he's just a man._

I dressed differently too, I usually wore something baggy and nondescript to stop from being leered at. I put on a blue silk dress that stopped mid-thigh and I wore five inch heels that took my height to well over six feet. _At least I'll be more on 'Takers eye line. Stop thinking like that._

But I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't believe how different he looked out of character and I couldn't understand how I had never looked at him that way before.

_He's a married man Sarah, and even if he was single he wouldn't be interested, look how quick he ran off earlier. _Not that I was the kind of girl to just sleep with anyone who took my fancy, but the things I felt meeting him earlier were too strong to ignore, it was chemistry and it is a rare thing for me to feel.

"Don't worry if you hear moaning coming from my room tonight, It'll only be Randy Orton." Stewie came through the adjoining door to our rooms and I had to laugh at him. It was kind of creepy to think he might actually try it on with him, but it was a hilarious thought at the same time. I just hope I'm there if Stewie propositions him.

"You wish!" I laughed and put on my red lipstick.

"You're wearing make up? And your red lippy? What is up with you? Are you wanting to get laid?"

"What question do you want me to answer first? Yes, I'm wearing a bit of make up, yes my lipstick is red and no I'm not out to get laid. I just want to make an effort for once."

Stewie looked me up and down and raised his eyebrow. "And you're not dressed like a frumpy middle-aged woman. What's wrong with you?" Stewie looked a bit unsure of what to say before a look swept across his face like a cat had seen a bird with a limp wing. "You fancy someone! That's it isn't it? You have your first crush! Who is it?" Stewie sat on my bed and waited for me to answer him. _Not going to happen._

"Crush? What am I? Twelve? I'm a bit more dressed up than usual because I feel like it, OK?" I lied my arse off, but I think Stewie bought it.

"Hmm...We'll see about that. I'll be looking out for who you're talking to." _Maybe not then._

We stepped outside our hotel and I should have brought a jacket with me, but it's America, I assumed it was warm everywhere!

Stewie hooked his arm in mine as we walked across the road to the hotel the wrestlers were staying and I actually had butterflies in my stomach thinking about 'Taker maybe being there. _What the Hell is wrong with __me? I hope I'm not getting ill or something._

We walked in and I surprised myself when the first thing I did was scan the bar area for The Undertaker. _He's not here. _I was even more surprised at myself that I felt gutted. _Just get a drink and get a grip._

We talked with Randy Orton for a few minutes while we waited for the barman to serve us, and Stewie had that 'your such a hunk' look every time he looked at Randy.

We had been in the bar for about half an hour and talked to almost all of the guys that were in the PPV tonight when I was finally alone. I liked these guys enough, but I preferred my own company.

"Oh hi again. I was wondering if you would show. Let me get you a drink so you can catch up with me." Kane sat on the vacant bar stool next to me, that Stewie had left so he could talk to Randy Orton again.

"Maybe you need to catch up." I pointed to the four beer bottles that I had managed to accumulate and Kane laughed.

"I could still get you a drink. You want another beer?"

I pondered whether or not to for a minute before saying I'd have something different.

"This place serves a wicked Martini. You want one?" I had to laugh. I would never in a million years picture Kane, one of the biggest, toughest WWE stars drinking a Martini!

"OK, but I'm making it my last drink. I'm going soon, I'm still on London time and it's..." I looked at my watch and frowned. "...almost nine there. God, am I getting old and boring?" Kane laughed at me and tried to make me feel better.

"It gets worse when you reach my age! But don't be glum, just put it down to jet lag! Excuse me for a minute." Kane got up and went over to Booker T. _Sod it. I just want to be by myself. _I picked up my bag and what was left of my fifth beer and sat a booth in the far corner near the entrance to the bar where no one was around. _That'll do nicely for some peace and quiet._

I looked around for Stewie, who I found talking to Randy Orton, so no surprise there! Then I spotted Kane as he walked over to The Undertaker who had just walked in. _God, he's sexy._ I looked down at my drink and wondered if it had been spiked, because it had to be the reason for thinking the things I was thinking. I looked over again and he was smiling at Kane. I don't think I have seen The Undertaker smile before, and what a smile! I watched them talking for a few minutes before Kane pointed right at me and Undertaker followed his line and looked over to where I was sat. I think I blushed again!

I watched them talk a while longer and I couldn't stop this feeling that was surging in me. _Why are you letting a man affect you like this? _I drank the last of my beer and hung my head. _He's married. That's all there is to it. _I was contemplating going back to the hotel when a huge shadow fell over me. I looked up and my heart stopped working for a few seconds.

"Hello again, little lady. Can I get you a drink?" _I could listen to that voice all night!_

"Yeah thanks, erm...Mr Undertaker?" He laughed at me and told me his name. "OK, I'll try that again. Yes I would like a drink please Mr Calaway. I'll have a Black Russian."

"What the Hell is one of those?"

I explained how it's made and he told me to stay where I was while he went to the bar. _Mark Calaway._ He was just The Undertaker to me for so many years, that it felt a little weird calling him Mark now.

"Oh now I see!" Stewie came and sat next to me and had a smug look on his face. _Just go away!_

"I don't know what you mean."

"You have a crush on The Undertaker! That's why you're all tarted up, you like him! I saw the colour your face turned when he started talking to you!"

"I did no such thing. I don't have a crush and you are getting on my nerves. Go chat up Randy Orton some more." I folded my arms in front of me, which was a dead give away when some one is being defensive, but I wasn't a very good liar!

"OK, I'm gone. I'll leave you to your non-crush!" Stewie kissed me on my cheek and he left just as Mark came back and set six drinks down on the table. _Who else is coming?_

"Your boyfriend won't mind you drinking with another guy will he?"

"He's too busy trying to get Randy Orton into bed to notice!" Mark looked at me with a puzzled expression. "He's gay and he's my brother, not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend." Mark looked even more perplexed at the fact Stewie was black. "Adopted brother!"

"I guessed that part!" Mark sat right next to me, even though there was plenty of room and I could feel the heat coming off him. "I know this is going to sound really corny, but I've met you before, haven't I?"

Corny was right, but so was he. We had met years ago.

"Yeah, it was at Summer Slam seven years ago. You met my dad really, he was friends with Vince at the time."

Mark thought for a moment and then chuckled to himself and rested his elbow on the table. "So, did you ever get that tattoo?"

"What? How did you know about that?" I was genuinely surprised because I never show my tattoo off. I always wear clothing that covers it.

"You were looking at my ink and you told your dad you were going to get a tattoo and he forbade you until you were twenty-one! You argued like Hell with him and I remember thinking that he has his hands full with you!" _He remembers that? I only just remembered it!_

"Well, I have always been defiant!" I smiled at Mark, who smiled back, realising I have in fact got a tattoo. He looked down at me as he asked if I had a butterfly or a rose, to which I took offence!

"Do you really think I'm the kind of girly girl to have something like that?"

"Well now I am curious. You gonna show me?" Mark looked down at my body again and the butterflies in my stomach did a loop the loop.

"I can't show you because I would get arrested for indecent exposure!" It was a flirty answer and I could have said something a bit more reserved, but I just couldn't help feeling this way.

"I get ya. Maybe some other time!" Mark's lips curled at one corner and it made me tingle! _What the Hell is wrong with me?_ He picked up a shot glass and drank it down in one. "So little lady, aside from being the daughter of a rock star, what do you do?" Mark asked as he knocked back another shot of something.

"All sorts really. I'm a promoter and a campaigner, I took over my dad's record company and I do some work at a hospital. Just bits here and there."

"You mean you're a nurse or something?" Mark took another shot glass from the stockpile he brought but drank it slowly this time.

"No, I just read to kids on the wards and play games with them. Just something to take their minds off being ill for a while."

Mark sat back on the seat and rested his arm along the back. "You said you're a campaigner, is that politics?"

"No, nothing of the sort, although I do have to argue with politicians a lot of the time. I work for a charity that helps abused kids and I just raise awareness. I even did a photo shoot in a men's magazine wearing the charity logo on my underwear. Seen as though sex sells, I thought it was a good idea at the time." _Why the Hell did I say that?_ _I hope he doesn't think I'm a slut for doing that._

Mark stroked his beard and took another sip of whatever it was he was drinking and shifted in his seat, his leg rubbed against mine and it made my butterflies flap their wings so hard, it probably caused a typhoon in China.

"You mean like Playboy?" I almost spat my drink out!

"Oh Hell no! It's kind of like Cosmopolitan, but for men. It's not out yet, but every penny from the copies sold are going to my charity." I really tried to play it down and make Mark see that I wasn't being a tart, but I think I was trying more to convince myself that I did the right thing in posing.

"Well, you certainly pull out all the stops for your cause! Tell me, little lady, what do you do when you're not working?"

That question actually made me stop and think. "I don't know. There is so much on my plate right now that I always have something to do, the only time out I get is when I get back to my dad's house and sleep! What do you do on your time off?"

Mark stroked his beard again and told me he spends time with his kids. _He's married and he has children. Stop thinking about his leg against yours. Stop thinking about wrapping your legs around him._

We talked for about an hour, and Mark was a genuinely nice guy. He wasn't conceited or an arsehole, and we had a few things in common. I asked what life is like on the road but to be honest, I didn't really listen to what he was saying, I just watched his lips move. _I wonder if he's a good kisser? _I scolded myself for thinking such things, but I couldn't help it, this man was making me feel things I have never felt before and I wanted explore it. I wanted to explore him.

"You'll have to excuse me for a minute, little lady. I need to go outside for some air." Mark said, but he touched my hand as he said it. _Does he mean he wants me to go outside with him?_

"Are you all right?" I asked, but Mark just stood up and nodded and went outside. I got up to find Stewie and I thought I was walking in a straight line, but when I shoulder barged Jerry Lawler, I realised I wasn't. I heard 'The King' say something about puppies, but I didn't know what he meant. I made my apologies and went over to Stewie.

"There you are. Have you come to tell me that you're going to see if you can find a pulse on The Dead Man?" Stewie grinned at me and winked.

"He's married. Besides, you know I don't have one night stands. I am going soon though, it looks like they want to close this place up."

Most of the tables had been cleaned and the chairs stacked on top of them and the lights at the far end of the bar had been turned off. I didn't want tonight to end, I wanted to spend more time with Mark, but I couldn't control the things that were going through my head and I knew if I drank much more, I may do something stupid and act on it. _Just go and say your 'goodbyes' then go back to your room. Alone!_

"Where is 'Taker anyway?"

"He said he went outside for some air. I'll say goodbye to him on my way. But that's all that's happening!" I had to add that before Stewie could make some kind of perverted comment.

"Going out for air is the oldest line in the book! Get your sexy arse out there and get laid!" Stewie made a sweeping gesture towards the exit and I had to laugh at him.

"He's married, how many times do I have to say it? Good night."

After saying my goodbyes to the wrestlers, I made my way outside in more or less a straight line. Mark was sat on a low wall and stood up when he saw me. _God it's cold out here._ I folded my arms across my chest as Mark walked over to me.

"I've just come to say good night and to thank you for the drinks."

Mark stepped closer to me and I didn't feel so cold any more. "Well you're welcome, little lady." Mark looked down at my legs and said he wouldn't call me little lady any more because I almost reached his height. Then he did something that surprised me. He took his jacket off and wrapped it around me, but as he did his mouth was inches away from mine. I looked into his eyes and I felt lost, he lowered his head and his lips softly touched mine, it wasn't exactly a kiss, but it was enough to make me crave more. _I want him. I want to feel his body against mine._

I moved in closer to Mark and his arms were still wrapped around me, not letting me step back even if I wanted to. Every nerve ending felt alive with electricity sparking through them. His lips softly brushed against mine once again, still not a kiss, but still enough to leave me wanting more. I knew I should have backed off but I couldn't overcome this chemistry. Actually, what I felt now went way beyond simple chemistry, it was more like nuclear fusion. _I want to touch...I want to feel.._ I ran my fingers over his chest I could feel his heart pounding, Mark's eyes searched mine for permission but seeing the SARA tattoo on his neck, my conscience flooded back to reality. I was left with a choice and I took the right path. Besides the fact it was adultery, I couldn't allow him to make me feel like this, I couldn't allow myself to give in to what I was feeling so I handed him back his jacket, made my excuses and left.

I took a cold shower but it didn't help, I was still feeling tingles all over my body thinking of Mark, his arms pulling me into him, his lips softly touching mine. I climbed into bed and turned off the light. All I could see were Mark's eyes and I wondered what would have happened if I had stayed. _I could go back...I could go and forget myself for one night..._

But I couldn't. I couldn't ask him to cheat on his wife and I couldn't let any one make me feel like this. _But I can lay here and think about what COULD have happened..._

I thought about the 'what ifs', I thought about Mark pushing me up against the wall and kissing me, and it made my body scream for him until I gave into it. _Well, fantasizing isn't cheating..__._


	8. I Don't Cheat

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

**I Don't Cheat...**

I got back from the rest room and Glenn was off talking to William Regal, I ordered a drink and went outside to call Sara. I still hadn't heard from her in over an hour and I was starting to get worried that something was wrong.

I went out and walked down the side of the hotel to the parking lot, it was quieter there. I leaned against someones SUV and pulled out my cell phone as I saw a kid walk past me and do a double take.

"Hey kid, you got a smoke?" I didn't smoke that much, just when I was on the road and getting stressed out. Sara would kill me if I smoked at home.

"Yeah man, just take the pack." The kid threw a pack of smokes at me and ran off. _I've still got it! He looked like he was going to piss his pants._

I lit up and called the house phone. It rang for ages and I really did think that something bad had happened.

'What do you want? I told you not to call home."

'Hello to you too. Where the fuck have you been? I was thinking something had happened to one of the girls.'

'I told you that my sister was driving down today, the kids are staying with her tonight, I need a break.' I did feel bad that I was away so much and that Sara did have it rough with Gracie not sleeping well, but I got the feeling there was more to it.

'I'll be home on Wednesday, you can go with your sister on a spa break if you want some time out.' I heard Sara sigh and she only made that noise when she felt guilty for something.

She didn't say a word and I thought she had hung up on me. 'You still there?'

'Yes Mark, I'm still here. I'm always fucking here, but you never are and I'm getting bored of this house and I'm getting bored of you.' I felt my blood boil and I really wanted to hang up on her, but she wasn't going to win this one.

'I get bored of you too, honey. It's a good job there's so much out here to keep me interested.' I thought of Sarah with an 'h' and I knew if she showed tonight, I could probably get her in bed. But no matter how much I hated Sara right now, I could never cheat.

'Are you fucking saying you've cheated? Is that what you're telling me?' Sara yelled down the phone so loud I had to pull my cell away from my ear.

'No I haven't and I never would, but you have to realize that I'm going to get sick of your fucking bitchy attitude one day soon and then you'll be fucking sorry.'

'Are you fucking smoking?' Of all the things she could have said back, she turned it around to me. She was a fucking master at doing that.

'Yeah, I'm a cool kid now.' I heard Sara draw breath to yell at me when I heard a man talking in the background then her muffled voice. _She's just covered the receiver of the phone. What the fuck is she up to? Who the fuck is she talking to? _'You got someone there with you? Sara?' She didn't answer me and I could still hear the muffled noise on the phone. 'SARA.'

'Sorry Mark, I just sat on the remote and turned the TV set up. Maybe when you get home, we could leave the kids with my sister and go to dinner. We haven't been on a date in a while.'

_Now she's playing nice? She has someone there with her. The TV set is no where near the phone._

'You get back to your boyfriend and we'll talk about this when I get home. And there won't be any fucking date.' I yelled down my cell and hung up on her. _That fucking bitch has someone there. In my house and in my bed. _That was the last straw. I was going to stop walking on egg shells with her and throw her out. I had wondered for a year if she was going behind my back, but now I was sure of it.

I lit up again and started kicking the SUV I was leaning on.

After paying the owner of the SUV for the damage I did, I went back into the bar. I really needed to drink now and I didn't care if I got shit faced and started a fight with who ever got in my face. _Looks like Glenn is the first candidate._

"Where have you been? You've been gone ages."

"I've just called home and I'm convinced Sara is cheating. There's not much doubt now." Glenn put his hand on my shoulder and said he was sorry to hear it.

"Don't be sorry. I've got the excuse I need now to walk away." To prove my point, I smiled my biggest smile and I really did feel relieved that I could finally confront Sara about this.

"You could always pay her back." Glenn had a mischievous smile on his face. "How would your wife feel if you were sat drinking with another woman?"

"I'm still not going to stoop to her level. She wants to cheat then so be it, she will have a big surprise when lawyers get involved. I just have to make sure she doesn't have any ammo on me."

"Not even if that woman looks like her...?" Glenn pointed to a booth in the far corner of the bar, right near the exit. _Sarah with an 'h'. She's here._ Our eyes met and I felt heat running through me. I didn't care about my home life any more, Sarah turned away from me and I didn't know what that meant. _I could go ask her.._

"Well, what are you waiting for? She's sat all by herself, go keep her company." Glenn elbowed me in the ribs and I could have retaliated but I was too busy looking at Sarah sipping the last of her beer.

"Why are you so insistent on me going over?"

"Because I saw the way you looked at each other in the green room and there was definitely something there, don't even try to deny it." _He's right. I definitely felt something and I'm feeling something right now. _"Go on. She's all by herself. Go buy her a drink before someone else does."

I mulled it over and I really wanted to go sit with her. I was drawn to her and I had no idea why. Sure, she looks incredible, but there was more to it and I wasn't sure what that was. _Fuck it. Talking to her isn't cheating._

I walked over to where she was sitting and she looked up. _God, she's beautiful._ I asked if she wanted another drink.

"Yeah thanks, erm...Mr Undertaker?" I had to laugh at her. _Even her accent is hot._

"My name is Mark. Mark Calaway. So what can I get you?"

"OK, I'll try that again. Yes I would like a drink please Mr Calaway. I'll have a Black Russian." _A what?_ I asked her what one of those was.

"It's two parts vodka and one part kahula, but I prefer Tia Maria, then it's topped up with coke." _That actually sounds nice!_

"Well then, a Black Russian it is. And it's just Mark, Mr Calaway is my dad! You stay here and keep the seat warm and I'll be back in a tick."

"Thank you Mark." _Even the way she says my name turns me on._

I looked around the room while I waited for the barman to make Sarah's drink and I noticed a few glances, or rather leers, in her direction but she seemed oblivious to it. I looked at her playing with a strand of her hair and she seemed lost in a world of her own.

"Miss Delgado's drink is on the house. It's not often we get someone of her heritage in here."

"What do you mean?" The barman looked at me like I said I had never heard of Elvis.

"That's Stevie Delgado's daughter, and man is she hot." I reacted to that in a way I didn't think I would.

"You better watch how you talk about a lady, son. She's with me so keep those peepholes to yourself." _She's with me? Where the fuck did that come from?_

"Yes sir. Sorry." The barman handed over Sarah's drink and the five shots of Jacks for me.

I started to walk across to the table but I couldn't place why she seemed so familiar. Of course I have heard of her dad, the guy was a rock legend, but there was something about Sarah herself that made me think I have met her before.

A short black kid came and sat next to Sarah, so I hung back to see what happened. Sarah looked like her own little world that she had been lost in had been invaded and pillaged. The little guy said something to her then laughed and nudged her with his elbow, to which she gave him a look only a pissed off woman could give. He held his hands up in surrender and I thought he was just some kid who thought he might get lucky, but then he kissed her on her cheek and she actually smiled at him. _Is that her boyfriend?_

I marched over to the table just as the little guy left and put the drinks down. I asked if her boyfriend would mind her drinking with me and she laughed, saying he was into Randy Orton_. Her boyfriend is trying to bed __Randy and she thinks that's funny? I've heard of open relationships..._

"He's gay and he's my brother, not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend." _Oh! That explains it! And she's single! But wait...he's black... _Sensing my confusion, Sarah added that he was her adopted brother. _She's still single..._

I slid onto the seat next to Sarah and I realized just how close I was sitting. My leg was right against hers and the contact made me want to do things I shouldn't be thinking about. It was then I noticed what she was wearing. Her dress was short enough for me to like what I saw, but long enough to make me want to see more. Her dress was low cut and from my vantage point, I could see down her cleavage. I could tell right away that she hadn't had any work done. This was all natural. _Just keep her talking, maybe then you won't think about what she's wearing. _

I know I must have sounded like a creep or something, but I asked Sarah if I had met her before. I expected her to say something like she didn't think so, or that it was a corny line, but she nodded. _So I have met her before!_

"Yeah, it was at Summer Slam seven years ago. You met my dad really, he was friends with Vince at the time." _Of course!_

I thought back to that day. Stevie Delgado came to see me right after my match and I was still in my Undertaker costume and hadn't yet showered. He talked to me for a while and there was a girl, probably in her teens looking at the tattoo's on my arm. She told her dad she wanted to get one and he said she wasn't allowed until she was 21. She replied with 'You just wait until your away on tour.' To which an argument ensued and she won!

I asked Sarah if she ever got her tattoo and she looked shocked.

"You were looking at my ink and you told your dad you were going to get a tattoo and he forbade you until you were twenty-one! You argued like Hell with him and I remember thinking that he has his hands full with you!"

Sarah blushed a little and then said she had always been defiant. She smiled a little knowing smile that told me she well and truly won the argument with her dad and got herself a tattoo. _I bet she's a real spitfire! Where could she have gotten one?_ I looked over her shapely body and figured she had probably done the chick thing and had it on her shoulder or her ankle.

"So did you get a rose or a butterfly?"

Sarah raised her eyebrows and asked if I really thought she was that girly. "Well now I am curious. You gonna show me?" I looked at her body again and I really wanted to see what was under that dress. Ink and all.

"I can't show you because I would get arrested for indecent exposure!" _Damn..that means it's somewhere naughty...Damn!_ I was getting a rush of blood in the wrong direction wondering where she had it hidden. _I need to calm down.._ I took one of my shots off Jack and knocked it back.

We talked for a while about what she did back home and I was amazed. I thought she was just some spoiled rich kid who probably spent her inheritance on shoes, but she was nothing of the sort. She devoted all her time to helping kids, and it seemed like she really cared about what she did and worked her ass off to try to make a difference in their lives.

"….I even did a photo shoot in a men's magazine wearing the charity logo on my underwear. Seen as though sex sells, I thought it was a good idea at the time." Sarah looked shocked with herself for mentioning it, and then it sank in what she had said. Photo shoot in her underwear. _Fuck. I want her. _I thought about her posing and I got hard thinking about it. I shuffled in my seat to try to make myself comfortable, but I brushed my leg against hers and it made me want to slip my hand under the table and feel how soft those thighs of hers were. _Did she pose naked too?_ I know I shouldn't have been adding fuel to the fire but I asked if it was for Playboy and she looked horrified with the suggestion.

I asked how she spent her time off and she really had to think hard about it. "I don't know. There is so much on my plate right now that I always have something to do, the only time out I get is when I get back to my dad's house and sleep! What do you do on your time off?"

_I don't want to talk about my wife. I don't want my home life at this table. _But it was probably for the best that I give myself a reason for not giving in to how I feel.

"I only spend about two days at home when I'm working. I have a son who lives with his mother in Florida and I have two girls at home so my time is spent with them really. I like going out on the road on my motorcycle and that's the only time to myself I get."

I was definitely getting drunk now. I hadn't paced myself like I should have done and it was getting harder to control what I was feeling. The crazy thing was, it was not just a physical feeling I got looking at Sara with an 'h', it was something deeper than that. She was funny, smart, really smart, and has such a big heart that it was hard not to see her as just a really hot woman. _Do I really have feelings for her after a couple of hours? Don't be stupid... it's just all the whiskey._

We talked about our interests and she's a boxing and UFC fan and loves to read, we talked about food. Sarah likes pizza, but only eats it when she's watching a movie, which I found odd but strangely endearing. I noticed she never spoke about her life, there was no mention of family and no mention of home or a love life. I figured it was probably because she didn't want to get personal with a stranger. _I really want to get personal with her._ It was like I had a devil and an angel on my shoulders. One part of me kept thinking about how I shouldn't act on anything because I was still married and the other part, the much lower part, kept thinking about leaning in to kiss her and asking her up to my room.

I drank my last shot of Jacks and the devil was winning. _Just take a break. Go outside for a smoke and clear your head._

I put my hand on Sarah's, it was warm and I wanted to take her hand and let her feel what she did to me. _Just run before you do..._"You'll have to excuse me for a minute, little lady. I need to go outside for some air." I stood up to leave, but Sarah reached her hand up and touched my arm and asked if I was OK. I looked into her sapphire blue eyes, that stood out all the more with her eye make up, and I really wanted to kiss her. _Just run..._ I nodded and left.

Going outside was a bit of a mistake. The sudden onslaught of oxygen made my head spin. I sat on a low wall near the parking lot and steadied myself. _Why is this woman driving me crazy?_ We had only just met, but I could tell there was something between us, a connection and I couldn't ignore it. I had never been even close to wanting to cheat, even when Sara and I hated each other but this time I didn't care about repercussions or if her lawyer might find out if I were to file for divorce. I didn't even care that I may be getting a divorce!

I lit up and tried to think about why making a move on Sarah with an 'h' would be a mistake. All I could come up with was that if it ever got back to Sara, she would take me for every penny I had and would make seeing my girls impossible. _But if Sarah kisses me, there is no way I would be able to control myself._

I finished my cigarette and was about ready to go back inside, when Sarah came out. _Just kiss her. _I listened to my instincts and got up to go over to her. _I can't believe I'm going to do this. I don't cheat. Ever._

"I've just come to say good night and to thank you for the drinks." Sarah had her arms folded across her chest, making her cleavage even more prominent. _She's leaving. _ I took a step closer to her and I realized she seemed taller. She was up to my shoulder when I met her this afternoon, but now she reached my eyes.

"Well you're welcome, little lady." I looked down her sexy legs and saw her high heels. "I should stop calling you that. In those you're almost as tall as me." _This is your chance to not cheat. To not throw away everything on a one night stand. _The angel on my shoulder was yelling at me, but the Devil was more sneaky. _She's cold, be a gentleman and give her your jacket._

I took off my jacket and reached around Sarah to cover her up. As I did, I was so close to her face, I was so close to her lips. She looked into my eyes and my head was screaming at her to show me what she wanted. I leaned in a little further and my lips softly touched hers. It was with the lightest touch, but it produced the strongest sensations. Sarah bit her lower lip and made a really fucking sexy 'hmm' sound. _My God, I fucking want you. _ My arms tightened around her back and she took a tiny step into me. The proximity made me want to hold her so tight to me and never stop kissing her. My lips touched hers again, the feeling of it not being quite a kiss made me want it even more.

Sarah placed her hands on my chest and I thought she was going to push me away, but she didn't. She let her fingertips guide themselves across my pecs and come to a rest in the center of my chest. _Just tell me you want me to kiss you. Tell me you want me to push you up against the wall and fuck you. Please just tell me..._

She was killing me, the feelings were too much to control and I was about to kiss her when she pushed me away. _What the fuck?_ She took a few steps back and took of my jacket.

"I'm sorry, but I don't do one night stands and I don't think this is right. Your married. I'm sorry, Mark." She handed my jacket back to me and I watched her walk away.

_Run after her... Actually, no. She's right. _

I went to bed in my hotel room thinking about Sarah. Not Sara my wife, but Sarah with an 'h' and I thought about what would have happened if she hadn't pushed me away. _I wouldn't have slept with her. I wouldn't, I'm not that guy. But what could have happened?_ I got hard just thinking about slipping off that dress and feeling those red lips work their way down my stomach, leaving lipstick kiss marks in her wake. I slipped my hand under the covers. _It can't hurt to fantasize about another woman. It's not cheating. _


	9. Prospects

**CHAPTER NINE**

**Prospects.**

It had been almost two months since I got back from Providence and I had kept myself busy. I decided to open a chain of Nightclubs and it was the opening of the first club in the theatre district on Shaftesbury Avenue tonight. Stewie and I were always complaining that there wasn't any good clubs, so I decided to do something about it. The opening night would be invitation only, mostly to celebrities and a few close friends of the family. The opening to the public would be in three weeks time. I had acquired property to be developed in seventeen different locations across England and planned on opening more across Europe if things went well over here. It had taken most of my time up travelling to these locations and I hadn't spent much time at the hospital, but I had spent every day from the past week with the kids there.

"Thought of a name yet?" Alex asked as he joined me on our usual table in our usual café on the Old Kings Road.

"Yeah. The sign went up earlier today. I settled on 'supernova'. "

"Club Supernova. I like it! Your dad would be proud." Alex smiled in recognition of the name. Supernova was a song my dad wrote about me before he died. In fact it was the last song he ever wrote. It was never recorded as he was too ill at that point, but he did write the music so I could play it on piano. A task which I have never been able to bring myself to do.

Juliet came over to take our order and talked to us about the usual stuff. The weather and what's going on in the news were her topics of choice. I smiled and small talked with her before she went off to get our order.

"Why do you do that?" Alex took a sip of his coffee and looked at me like I had just stripped off.

"What?"

"You always have a 'I like talking to you' look on your face, but as soon as that person goes, you go back to your miserable face. Why can't you just be happy?" _Here we go again..._ "I swear, if you didn't have such a strong moral code, I'd think you were a serial killer or something."

I wasn't going to get into this argument again. "That reminds me. 'Dexter' is on tonight."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. You fake being happy, you don't talk about how you feel and you just deflect when ever I try to get you to open up. I know you have been through a lot kiddo, but why are you never happy?" _If only you knew.._

"You want the truth of it? I never appear happy because I never am. I don't feel anything and I don't care about anything." _Now what are you going to say to that?_

Alex struggled to come to terms with my outburst but couldn't. "Do you want another coffee?" I asked Alex, who looked at me with astonishment.

I finished my lunch and drank the last of my coffee while Alex was still struggling with his meal. "I need to go make a phone call. I won't be a minute." Alex got up and went outside just as my mobile phone started to ring. It was Stewie asking where I was and then he demanded I order him a fried breakfast as he was on his way to meet me.

Ten minutes later, Alex pulled up his chair with another coffee.

"Stewie is on his way, so I think I'll get another drink while we wait." But before I could leave my seat, my phone started to ring again and it was really getting on my nerves. I have had twenty six phone calls since getting up at six this morning and it was only just coming up to noon. _Just leave me alone. _I was getting so mad that I came close to swearing.

'What?' I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to anyone.

'Sarah? It's Vince McMahon. You're not busy are you?' _How the Hell did he get my number?_

'Mr. McMahon? No, I've just finished lunch. What can I do for you?' Alex's head shot up and he smiled like The Cheshire Cat.

'It's what I can do for you actually, and please, call me Vince.'

'OK Vince. What can you do for me?'

'I have been told you were in need of a break, so I'm inviting you and your friend to No Way Out next week in Baltimore. I'll sort the hotel out, you can stay for two days, so all you have to do is book your flight.' _God __damn you Alex.._

'That's a very kind offer, but I must decline. I have way too much to do over the next few months, I just don't think I'll find time.'

'I was told you would say that. But I insist. I have already got my secretary sorting out two seats on the front row, so it's too late to say 'no' I'll even fly up there personally to see you again, and I know my superstars would like to see you. I don't often extend personal invitations, so it would be gracious of you to accept it.' Vince was really laying it on thick and I felt I had no choice to accept. _I would see Mark again._ I didn't know whether that excited me or terrified me.

'Well, just so I don't offend you, I'll be happy to go. Thank you very much, it's really kind of you.'

We said our goodbyes and Alex looked a really happy with himself but I was mad.

"You're welcome!"

"Welcome for what? Forcing me into accepting an invite to something I don't want to go to?" Alex knew I wasn't happy and looked surprised.

"Stewie said the pair of you had a great time last you went and that you were happy. I just thought that you needed some time off, you have been so busy lately and you really look tired. I just want for you to be happy, even if it is just for one night." Alex put his hand on mine and I immediately pulled back.

"I know you care and I know you are just looking out for me, but you have no idea what you have just done. I don't want to go."

Stewie came and sat at our table. "Where's my fry up? I have one Hell of a hangover and I need curing. What the fuck have I walked in on?" Stewie looked at me and then at Alex.

"I have just tried to make Sarah happy and she's pissed off."

"You're damn right I'm mad. You have no idea what you have done." If I see Mark again, I might not be strong enough to walk away a second time around and I was terrified of feeling the things I felt before. I was terrified of feeling full stop.

"You keep saying that, but what have I done that's upset you?"

"Will somebody just tell me what the fuck is going on?"

Alex filled him in on what he had arranged and Stewie didn't know how to respond.

"That's a tough one. Sarah was happy there, but then she almost got laid." I spat my coffee all over Stewie who laughed at the fact his comment provoked a reaction from me.

"What's this about?" Alex asked like a mother who found out her six year old has a boyfriend.

"You don't know what you're talking about Stewie, so just drop it before I drop you."

"Now, now. Watch the temper. It's true though!" Stewie turned to Alex and started telling him about going to the bar after Armageddon. "...She was sat with him all night and I can tell you, it was like they were the only two people in the world. He went outside and she followed. I didn't see what happened, but from what she told me, she ran off like Forrest Gump when she committed adultery!"

"SHE wasn't with Mark all night. SHE was with him for an hour or so and SHE never made him cheat on his wife." I was getting more and more angry and I found it difficult to control my temper.

Stewie flinched at my reaction and Alex put his hand out, like a 'stop' sign.

"Before you kill him, just tell me something. Is this Mark guy the only reason you don't want to go?" _Yes._

"I'm just too busy. I don't have time for personal stuff." I went to the counter and ordered Stewie's fry up before I could be grilled any further.

It was the day of reckoning. It was time to fly to Baltimore for 'No Way Out'. Stewie was excited as a puppy knowing it was time for walkies, but I felt sick to my stomach.

"Come on. Stop dragging your arse or we will miss the flight." That was my hope. "You really are nervous about going aren't you?" I didn't say any thing. "Look, if seeing 'Taker again bothers you that much, then maybe you will think differently when I tell you this..Actually, I'm not telling you yet."

"I'm not bothered about Mark. Christ Stewie, I only spoke to the guy for a while, it's not like I have feelings for him." _Why does that feel like I just lied to him? _"And tell me what?"

The taxi arrived to take us to the airport before Stewie could answer.

I asked him repeatedly in the taxi and while waiting to get our bags checked. "Will you just tell me before I start screaming and swearing in the middle of Heathrow." Stewie shook his head and carried on walking up the ramp to the plane.

We took our seats and got strapped in before Stewie leaned over to me and said he would tell me on one condition.

"What's the condition?"

"You have to be honest about this. If I don't believe you, then I'm not telling." I was getting really mad now and I was just about ready to kill him.

"Will you stop pissing me off and just tell me." I really was ready to scream.

"OK! Fucking miss pissy pants. Tell me how you feel about 'Taker, really." _What?_

I was speechless. And it wasn't just because that was the last thing I expected Stewie to ask me, but because I really didn't know how to answer. The feeling I got in my stomach told me there was more to it than just meeting a nice guy and conversing with him. It was the same feeling I got every time I saw Mark on TV from that day on. _Nuclear fusion._

"That says a lot. I have never seen you lost for words. Just tell me and if you answer how I think you'll answer, then I promise what I have to tell you will cheer you up." _Just bite the bullet._

I knew I could trust Stewie with my life, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never hurt or I would never feel any thing again. Mark had changed all that and it made me angry with him for making me feel something.

"OK. You really want to know? I really wanted him. I wanted him to cheat on his wife." I felt defeated and shocked at myself, I really didn't mean to say all that, it just came out.

"Wow, you were willing to drop your holier than thou attitude and make him cheat! You really wanted to sleep with him, didn't you?" I didn't answer, but I think I nodded my head. "In that case, this is going to make you smile like you never have before. 'Taker is getting divorced!"


	10. A New life

**CHAPTER TEN**

**A New Life.**

The divorce was almost final and I had just about refurbished my new house. I left Sara everything. The last few weeks have been difficult, but at least Sara was admitting that she has had an affair and we had been amicable with the kids. I had arranged to work less and I would get them the weekends I wasn't working and she would have them when I was on the road.

I had started laser removal on the tattoo of Sara's name that I had done as a wedding present. It was the most painful tattoo I have ever had done, so getting it removed was a cake walk.

I had woke up with a bad head and it took me a few minutes to realize I wasn't in my own bed. I turned over and found a woman laying next to me. _What the fuck is her name? _I tried to remember, but nothing came to me. I gathered my clothes off the floor and crept out of the bedroom.

The sun was starting to rise and it looked beautiful. The only thing more beautiful right now would be the look on Sara's face if she knew how much I had been celebrating the separation.

It seemed strange to be going back to all the one night stands and the drinking. When Sara and I met in California seven years ago, I was a bad boy back then. The strip clubs, the women, the drinking. All of that changed when I met her. I changed my fucking life for her and now I found going back to my old lifestyle was easy. But something wasn't right this time. I didn't feel guilty for enjoying myself, nor did I feel bad for not at least leaving a note to whatever woman I used. Something was missing and I couldn't put my finger on what.

Will came over later that afternoon to help me fix my Ute. Will was partner in one of the biggest law firms in Houston and he had been my divorce lawyer and also helped me get the paperwork sorted for this house.

"Now that the divorce is almost final, you can be honest with me now."

"What about?"

"Pass me the wrench." I handed Will the wrench and he looked at me and smiled. "Did you ever cheat on Sara while you were away working?"

My head was immediately flooded with thoughts of Sarah with a 'h'. It wasn't technically cheating. But it was so close to being just that.

"No, I never cheated. Although I did come close once a few weeks back." _Why does my voice sound full of regret? _

"So after six years of marriage, you never once cheated? What made you almost do it this time?"

"I met her after one of the shows and she was incredible. She was funny and really fucking smart. We talked for a few hours and it was like I had known her for years. She was so beautiful, not like forced beauty but completely natural and unbelievably sexy. I went out side for some air and she followed me out and I swear I was so close to kissing her but she walked away and I haven't seen her since." I still get tingles thinking of that night. Will looked surprised to hear me talking like this about a woman. It's not something guys really do is it?

"But you wanted to cheat? If this woman hadn't walked away, would you have?"

I dropped everything I was doing. The same question had plagued me for weeks. I had never allowed myself to be honest, because of the divorce and because of what it meant. "Look at you, you can't stop thinking of this woman can you?" I can't. I have thought about Sarah ever since we met. I think about what could have happened, what could have been and I really wished she hadn't walked away.

"I know that it was the same night I found out for definite that Sara was cheating, and I did want to pay her back, but even if Sara and I had been the happiest couple on Earth, I still would have gone down the same path."

"So what did you mean by you haven't seen her since? Was this woman a fan or something?" I thought of meeting Sarah for the first time and she was wearing one of my merchandise tops. _She was definitely an Undertaker fan!_

"Yeah she was a fan of the show, but she's British, so I guess I wouldn't see her that often anyway."

Will laughed. "So you had a bite of an English Muffin! I can't believe you're getting all blurry eyed over some British tart!" He laughed some more and I wanted to punch him.

"Watch your damn mouth. Sarah isn't a tart." I had to start pacing to walk off my temper. _Why the Hell am I reacting this way? I only spent a bit of time with her, so how come I'm defending a woman I know virtually nothing about?_

"Jesus Christ, man, I wasn't talking about Sara. I was talking about your mystery woman."

"Her name is Sarah. She spells it with an 'h', and don't start about her name either. I'm well aware of the coincidence." I sat back down on my tool box and opened a bottle of beer.

"So now that your divorce is almost done with, why don't you contact this Sarah? Did you get her number?"

"I didn't get it." _Why does my voice sound full of regret again? _"I suppose I could look her up. Vince knows her so there's always that route, but I can't stop thinking about her walking away. She made the choice to do that so I guess I have to respect her decision." _Got hold of the magazine she posed for though...Fuck, she looked hot._

"How would Vince McMahon know some fan from Britain?"

"Because it was..." I stopped myself from telling Will who she was because I brought her name up in conversation last week and what Will had to say about her wasn't exactly respectful.

"Who? You've got me curious now." I knew Will wouldn't drop it and he was a lawyer after all. If anyone could get information out of someone, it was him.

"You make one comment and I will shove that wrench where the sun don't shine." Will made a 'scouts honor' sign with his right hand. "The woman I met, the woman I almost...It was Sarah Delgado."

Will's mouth opened several sizes bigger than should have been possible and he dropped the wrench he was holding. "No fucking way! Why the fuck didn't you cheat? Man, she is so fucking sexy...You should have fucked her!" I stood up and got in Will's face.

"I told you to watch your fucking mouth. NEVER talk like that about her again."

It was time to get out of bed, but I didn't want to move. I had another hangover and another one night stand under my belt. I had gotten so mad at Will yesterday that I went on a bit of a binge. I was pissed at how he spoke about Sarah, but I was more pissed that he was right. I should have fucked her because maybe if I had then I wouldn't still be thinking about her now. Last night, I took some little blonde barmaid out to the parking lot and fucked her while I thought of Sarah with an 'h' and I really had to see if I could find someway to get her out of my mind.

I turned over and looked at the alarm clock that was still sounding off. _Five fucking thirty. Why do I have to be up this fucking early?_ I turned off the alarm and looked at the picture on my bedside locker and it got my blood flowing every time I looked at it. _Maybe I'll stay in bed for a while..._

After showering and having some breakfast, I got my bags and waited for a cab to take me to the airport. _I had better take my thick jacket. Baltimore in February is fucking freezing._


	11. Cloudy with a chance of rain

***Really sorry that these next few chapters are a little long, but I need to add a bit of background to help with the rest of the story. Get comfy!**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

**Cloudy With a Chance of Rain.**

As we arrived in Baltimore, Vince McMahon had sent a huge limo for us at the airport. I hated these things, there was too much room and too many gadgets. I never understood what the big deal was about Limos, all you need a car for is to get from A to B.

As we were driven down the interstate, I couldn't help but think about Mark's pending divorce. _Should I say something if I see him? Do I want to see him?_ Something in the pit of my stomach told me that seeing Mark again would be...I don't know...good?

The limo pulled up outside the Hyatt Regency hotel. The place was huge and floor to very high ceiling glass.

I got the key card for my room, Stewie was staying across the hall, and I was greeted by a basket on the bed.

It had a bottle of wine, chocolates, fruit, a map of local shops and attractions and two ringside tickets to 'No Way Out' tomorrow night. The card on the basket was from Vince McMahon;

Welcome to Baltimore!

I have arranged dinner tonight at a very nice restaurant.

Why don't you go shopping and get an outfit to fit with the occasion?

A car will pick you and your friend up at 7:30.

Relax!

Vince.

_Great. Now I have to go shopping. _I hate shopping and telling me to get something to go with the occasion doesn't exactly narrow it down. There could be a bowling ally in the middle of the place for all I knew. _I'll just go sort of posh/sort of casual._

I was still thinking about Mark's divorce as we got settled into the hotel. _Did he leave her for another woman?_ The thought made me a little jealous and it took me by surprise. _Why should I care? He's just a man who happened to be nice. And sexy._

"Look at this place!" Stewie came into my room and started checking out the wardrobe space. "Have you seen the bathroom yet? The shower sprays you from all angles! Good for getting to hard to reach places!" Stewie winked at me and I threw the luxury goose down pillow at him. He wasn't wrong though. This place was really posh.

"I have to go shopping, per orders of Vince, for a dinner he's arranged tonight. Have you got something posh to wear?"

"Yeah." Stewie flopped onto the bed and told me had packed a suit jacket and he had some black trousers.

"Well, all I have are jeans and my gym gear. I have to go get something, but I have no idea what."

"Are you going to get something special to wear for 'Taker?" Stewie beamed and gave a little sly wink.

"I won't even see him. Except for when he's in his match."

"But what about backstage? I'm sure Vince would have set that up for us." I hadn't thought of that. I thought for a moment about the possibility of seeing Mark again and everything in me, everything that had a nerve ending told me I wanted it. So much so that I had decided I would just stay in my room this entire trip. _Go to the event. Watch the event. Come back. No fuss, no mess._

"I'm not going to see him. I don't want to see him." I tried my best to look sincere, but I failed miserably.

"You're trying to lie to me! Damn babes, you really have got your head up your arse. What's wrong?"

I put down my make up bag that I was going to take into the bathroom and went to sit beside Stewie. _What is wrong with me? Why am I so determined not to see him again?_

"Nothings wrong, except I've never done anything really exciting and I feel numb to everything in life. The only thing I felt something.." And my voice trailed off. Like my brain told me not to finish the sentence. _Don't say it. Don't get carried away with a memory that time has distorted._

"You know you can tell me anything. Sure I might judge you and more than likely mock you, but I'll listen. I decided to bite the bullet once again. _This is turning into Russian Roulette. Except, I'm the only player. _

Before I could say anything, Stewie started a little chuckle to himself."Now tell me about the last time you felt excited about something. Was it the last time you were in Anne Summers and the new Rampant Rabbit hit the shelves?" I had to laugh at him.

"Don't be an idiot!" I stopped myself laughing and Stewie sat waiting for me to answer him. I lowered my head, ashamed of what I was going to admit. "The truth of it is, and I can't believe I'm going to admit this, the last time I felt excited was when we were in Providence."

Stewie smiled and said he liked it there too. "It was the best time I have had in a while, just the buzz of it all and meeting all the wrestlers...meeting Randy Orton is something I'll never forget. But for you, it was meeting The Undertaker wasn't it? I know you wished you fucked him, but there's more too it, isn't there?" Stewie always had to cheapen the conversation, but at least he was always direct and to the point.

"No. That's all there is too it. I'm just mad that someone would make me want to throw away my principles like that and I'm not letting him put me in that position again." I was being more or less truthful that time. I was mad with Mark for making me want him, and I wasn't going to let him make me feel like that again. _He won't make me feel at all._

I made my way down to the reception area and asked the concierge to call Vince's room.

After speaking with him, I was just about to head out to go and find a posh dress, as Vince had arranged a private room at a Greek restaurant and he requested I 'get dolled up', when my phone started ringing. _It's the weekend. Leave me alone._ I stood at the end of the reception desk and leaned on it, much to the high brow snooty look from the concierge. _Sod off. I'm jet lagged._

I answered the call from the architect, who was working on one of my clubs in Newcastle.

I hung up and rested my head on the marble reception desk, to which I am sure was met with another snooty look from the git behind the desk.

I called Stewie to confirm it was to be formal dress tonight and to tell him I was going out.

"So what should I call you now?" _Is that...?_ I turned to see Mark holding a suitcase and smiling at me. _Fuck, he's better looking than I remember. Oh my God, I just swore! _My butterflies came back with reinforcements and my heart started to beat irregularly. "I said I wouldn't call you little lady any more. So what should I call you?"

I looked at him for what seemed like the longest time, then I noticed his 'SARA' tattoo was all but gone. _There's nothing to stop you now. _I immediately berated myself for thinking such things. _He's not going to make me feel._

"How about Sarah. That is my name, after all." My phone started to ring and it ripped me out of my trance.

'Yeah?' It was Stewie asking if I was going shopping for a dress. 'Yeah.' That was all I could manage to say. _What is it about this man that turns me into a preschooler?_

'Do you want me to come with to keep you calm? I know how pissed off you get when you're shopping.'

'No. I'll be fine and I promise I won't kill anyone. I'll see you in an hour or so.' I hung up my phone and Mark was still smiling at me. I hate it when he smiles at me. It makes it really hard not to think of his lips against mine. _Snap out of it!_

Mark stepped towards me and he didn't take his eyes off me. "You going out to kill someone, darlin'?" _Darling? _ I hated that pet name, but something about the way he said it made me tingle in places I shouldn't be tingling.

"I'm forced to go shopping and my name is Sarah." _He isn't going to turn me into some sort of weak-kneed little girl._

Mark was now two feet away from me and I wanted him to be closer. _For God sake, don't let him do this to you. _He looked me up and down, which seemed to be a regular feature with him, and he asked why I was forced into going shopping.

"Because I'm going out to dinner tonight and it's a posh dress code. I don't have anything like that with me."

Mark asked if I was going on a date and I said it wasn't, it was just dinner with Vince. A huge smile appeared on his face as he took one more step forward towards me.

"Well if this is the same dinner I'm going to, then I'll see you later." _Mark's invited too? So much for no fuss no mess. _Mark stepped even closer to me. So close I could smell the faint trace of aftershave on him. He leaned down to me and the feel of his breath on my ear took mine away. "You just make sure you get yourself something to show off your..." Mark pressed his cheek against my head and I was so close to turning my head. To finishing the kiss that almost was. "...eyes. See you tonight, darlin'." Mark walked to the other end of the reception desk and handed the concierge some papers.

I was left speechless. My stomach was doing 360 degree turns and I couldn't form a cohesive response. _Come on legs, move!_ I mustered what little strength I had left and walked to the shops.

I had bought a black and teal two tone dress. It was knee length and had a high collar that plunged at my chest. The sleeves stopped at my elbows and had a tiny blue diamond buttoning them. It was the colour and that tiny detail that made me buy it, but now I had put it on back at the hotel, I had second thoughts. It fitted my figure a little too well.

"So, you just about set?" I let Stewie into my room and said I was almost ready. I still had my bathrobe on, so I didn't get make up on my new dress.

"Give us a gander then." Stewie pointed to my bathrobe, wanting to see what I had bought today.

"Actually, I don't think I want to go. Will you send Vince my regrets?" After what happened in the lobby, the way Mark made me want him again was just too much and having to face him again over dinner terrified me.

"You not well?" Stewie looked concerned, as I never got ill.

"No, it's just that I don't want to be in a room full of people. You know I hate that."

"There's others going too?" _I forgot to tell him that._ "I get it. 'Taker will be there won't he?" My silence told him that Mark would indeed be there too. "If all this guy does is turn you on, then go fuck him. Bang him like a big bass drum and get it out of your system." Ever the word smith, but he did have a point. I could see how things go and perhaps sleep with him, but something told me that spending the night with Mark wouldn't quench my thirst.

"Do you have to be so blunt? If I wanted to..." I was cut off by my phone ringing again. It was the seventeenth call I had received in three hours and I was getting mad with it.

I finished the call from another contractor and thought back to what Stewie had said. _But I don't have one night stands. _

"Come on you coward, just see how things go. I'll be there to stop you from stripping off and fucking him on the entrées." I laughed my head off and I funnily enough felt comforted by the fact Stewie would be there to stop me from doing something stupid. Not as stupid as Stewie had suggested though!

"You promise you won't let him make me give in?"

"Fuck me sideways. You really like this guy don't you? I thought it was just a physical thing, but you are actually worried about him getting close to you."

I didn't say anything again because we both knew Stewie had hit the nail on the head. I just couldn't admit to the fact there was something about Mark that intrigued me and I have never let anyone make me feel like that. _Sod it. I'll just ignore him._

"Do you promise?"

"OK babes. I promise I won't let you fuck him!"

I was still giggling away to his comment while I put on my shoes and some lip gloss.

"You ready now?" I came out of the bathroom and said I was. I took off my bathrobe and Stewie wolf whistled. "I might be able to stop you, but I don't think I'll be able to stop 'Taker from jumping you!"

"Shut up! He wants to do no such thing!" But the way he made me feel earlier made me wonder if my statement was true.

"OK, I'll believe you! Grab your bag and lets go. I wonder if Randy will be there!" Stewie got all excited and I laughed at him as I got my key card and opened the door.

We were joking around while we waited for the lift and Stewie had not stopped fiddling with his belt.

"You look like you have crabs. Stop it!" I slapped his hand away from his belt and he had to retaliate.

"You look like you charge a high price!"

"You cheeky sod! You just..." We started a slap fight as the lift doors opened.

"OK, OK! I give up. You slap too hard!" Stewie nursed his arm as I went to push the button for the ground floor_. This is America. There is no ground floor._ I went to pushed the first floor button as a hand held open the door.

"Hello again, darlin'." _Oh God. I've got no chance of ignoring him. _Mark was dressed in a dark green silk shirt that really made his gorgeous eyes shine. Even though Mark had light green eyes, they really stood out and he was wearing black trousers that had a very flattering cut indeed!

The lift doors closed and we started our descent as Mark eyed up my dress and stopped at my chest. It made me feel uncomfortable and I instinctively brought my arms up and folded them across me. "You chose right. You look great darlin'."

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to take back my promise. I have no chance of stopping it!" Stewie laughed until I shot him my 'I'm going to choke the life out of you' look.

"Stopping what?" Mark asked Stewie, but kept his eyes on me.

"Er...nothing. Just ignore me."

The lift doors opened and I couldn't wait to get out of it. Claustrophobia was never something that affected me, but now it did and I couldn't breathe.

"So you're on my floor?" Mark asked and Stewie couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Yeah, she's in room five-seven-two." I shot Stewie another look and he ran away.

"So you'll be sleeping right next to me tonight." Mark did that sexy little half smile that got me going so much the last time and I was astonished by what he suggested.

"Excuse me?" I felt my face flush with heat and I knew I was turning a deep shade of crimson.

"I don't mean nothin' by it darlin'. I just meant you're in the room next to mine." I felt like an idiot. And almost gutted. I corrected Mark on his grammar and looked for Stewie, who was no where in sight. _Good job too._

We walked to the front doors of the hotel and found Stewie looking out of the huge windows for our car that Vince was sending.

"Now who's running off like Forrest Gump!"

"Sorry babes. It's just when you look at me like that I fear for my safety."

"So you should." I gave Stewie a look and he understood that he needed to keep his mouth shut. Stewie ran out and Mark held the door open for me. _Christ, it's freezing._

"Cold, darlin'?"

"A little. And how many times do I have to tell you my name is Sarah?" I was just about to get in the car when Mark pulled me back by my arm and turned me to face him. He leaned into me, just like he did earlier and my temperature started to rise once again.

"You could always borrow my jacket again." I thought back to Providence and Mark wrapping his jacket around me. The chemistry, the nuclear fusion. It's still there.

"That won't be necessary, thank you." _You are not getting the better of me._

"Well, the offer is always open. Sarah." With that, Mark walked off up the street and I got in the car. _I think I prefer him calling me darling. _He said my name in a very low, husky voice and it made me quiver.

"What the fuck was that?" Stewie looked at me, his eyes almost popping out of his head as he fished for gossip. "You two had head sex!"

"What? What the Hell is head sex?"

"You've heard of mentally undressing each other?" I nodded. "Well you two were undressing each other, enjoying the foreplay and trying new positions! Ergo head sex!"

I laughed at his phrasing and tried to ignore the rest of his comments.

We got to a little Greek restaurant as I hung up my phone. _I should have left my phone in my room._ I had been called time and time again. A part of me didn't mind because I never wanted to take time off anyway, but the other part of me was hoping they would leave me alone while I had dinner. With Mark.

Vince greeted Stewie and I and took us to a room that was in the back. It was a small, intimate setting with low hanging lights above the long table that had been set for nine people.

Already seated were Matt Hardy, JBL, Kurt Angle, Booker T and Randy Orton. Stewie's face was glowing when Randy said he remembered Stewie from Providence. After the introductions were done, I was seated at the head of the table with Stewie to my right. Vince was sat at the other end of the table opposite me and there was one seat left empty to my left. Mark's seat. _I have to sit next to him? This no fuss, no mess plan isn't working out so well._

"You always this popular darlin'?" Mark asked as I disconnected the seventh call I received since arriving at the restaurant.

"I know, sorry. I have a lot of work on at the minute and I really should have stayed in London."

Vince overheard us talking. "You were sent here to relax. I do hope you haven't been doing any work while you've been here." I had been caught out.

"Only a little!" I said, sheepishly.

"What do you mean sent here?" Matt Hardy asked.

"It was a conspiracy. A friend of mine thought I was working too hard and he called Vince, who blackmailed me into flying out here."

"Blackmailed! I did no such thing!" Vince laughed and winked at me.

"You practically said you would be insulted if I didn't accept your invitation!"

"That's just semantics. It worked though, didn't it!" I laughed at Vince and then my phone started to go off again.

"I'm not going to hear that all night am I?" Mark pointed to my phone as I pressed the 'ignore call' button again and started pushing my main course around the plate with my fork. "You're not one of those women who count calories are you darlin'?" I started to open my mouth to tell him how offended I was, but there was no point.

"I love food. I just don't have much of an appetite."

Mark leaned right in to me and his knee brushed against my leg. A smouldering look washed over his face and that alone made me want to finish the kiss that almost was. "Somethin' tells me that's not true."

_Is he really flirting with me?_ I had a choice. I could flirt back or I could shut him down. _I like him flirting. _I looked around the table and the guys were talking amongst themselves again. _Sod it. I'm not having any regrets again._

"Are you talking about my weight, or are you just being brazen?" I smiled and waited to see how he would respond.

He leaned back in his chair and tilted his head so he could look under the table before sitting forward again and placing his hands right next to mine.

"Trust me darlin' when I say you are a damn sexy woman and I would love to be brazen with you." If I had any food in my mouth I would have choked. _Crap. He's turning me on more than I thought possible. Crap. _

I tried to laugh it off as though Mark were joking, but he wouldn't let me.

"You just say the word darlin' and I'll..."

"Sarah." Stewie interrupted Mark and he didn't look best pleased about it. Neither was I for that matter.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just seeing if you were OK. I promised, didn't I?"

"Yeah, You did promise." I felt bad for snapping at Stewie, but I felt something even more strange. I was going to be brazen too! "But it's OK, you needn't keep your promise."

Stewie almost fainted with shock. "Fuck babes, you sure?" _I'm sure. I'm sure I want him._

"What's with all these promises?" Mark asked and he looked like Stewie and I were speaking a foreign language. Well, I suppose we were!

"Nothing. We just have a little agreement going, but it's nothing to worry about."

"Well then darlin'. Where was we?" I stopped looking at Stewie and focused all of my attention on Mark once again.

"You were saying something about saying a word..." _Please let that word be 'bed'._

"That I was." Mark leaned back in his chair and a wicked little look washed over his face. _Here come the tingles... _"I think I'll save that word for somewhere not so crowded." Mark did that sexy half smile again and I could feel the tension and the frustration take a firm hold of me.

"You said I had to say the word, so shouldn't I know what that word is?"

Mark chuckled and told me I was a smart arse, and that I should give him my number so he could text it to me.

"Text? You gone shy or something?" I was goading him now and I really should have been ashamed of my behaviour, but I no longer cared. I was going to get him out of my system, just as Stewie suggested.

Mark stayed silent, and stared brushing his little finger against the side of my hand. The tingles were getting more and more dominant and I really wanted to take him to bed.

My phone started to vibrate again and I was so close to swearing and throwing the damn thing in the bucket of ice with the wine. I was just about to switch my phone off but I saw the caller ID. _Please God no. _My heart sank and I thought I was going to be sick. This is the call I had been dreading. "Excuse me. I have to take this."

I got up from the table and went outside. I didn't care it was so cold.

After getting off the phone, I stayed where I was. I couldn't move and I couldn't think. I was trying to fight back the tears when I felt Mark wrap his jacket around me. "You need warming up darlin'?" I turned to face him and I tried not to be affected by this, by why I was flying back.

He said something that was completely inappropriate as he put his warm hand on the back of my neck and leaned into kiss me. I had to push him away. I couldn't deal with my libido when I had so much to organise. Mark looked the same as he did in Providence, but this time he didn't let me leave. "What's wrong? Is this your one night rule? Because I don't want..."

"I have to go." I gave Mark his jacket and went back inside. I asked the maître d' to call me taxi and went back to the dining area.

"Thank you everyone for a great night, but I have to fly back to London. Vince, I promise you that I will take time out sometime soon and come see you again."

I went back outside where Mark was leaning against the wall smoking. "You gonna tell me what the problem is or are you just gonna run off again?" _I don't have time for your ego._

"I don't have time for this."

Stewie came out as Mark was about to say something. "You're flying back tonight?"

Mark started to laugh and it pissed me off. "Flying home? Look, if I offended you, I'm sorry but there's no need to go to that extreme." _Is he serious? _I got right in his face and my temper fly.

"Have you even thought that this isn't anything to do with you? You fucking conceited prick." I was on auto pilot and I really didn't know what I was saying.

"Woah! Where the fuck did that come from?" Mark was really shocked at what I had said and Stewie pulled me back.

"Jesus fucking Christ, you never fucking swear. What's going on? Sarah, what's happened?"

"It's Christopher. There's not much time." Stewie dropped his head and started to pace for a few seconds before coming back to my side and putting his arm around me. I shrugged him off and started pacing myself. _Where is this taxi?_

"Is everything all right?" Mark came and stood in front of me to stop me pacing.

"No." My taxi turned up and as I walked over to get in, Mark stopped me. I just looked into his eyes and I felt bad for swearing at him. I felt bad that I had to walk away.

"I'm sorry, Mark." I got in the taxi and went back to the hotel.


	12. One Night

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**One Night.**

I had slept on the plane and felt refreshed as I collected my rental car. I drove down the highway to the hotel Vince had set us up in. Something must have been going on because unless it's Wrestle Mania, we never get luxury hotels. We could either pick our own place or Vince would book us in somewhere a lot less glamorous.

The young kid took my keys and took my car to the garage to park while I tried to figure out where the Hell I got booked in. I saw the reception area in front of me but was stopped in my tracks. _No fucking way._ I saw a tall woman with and incredible ass leaning on the reception desk talking on her cell. She had long black hair tied up and was talking with a British accent.

"...I'll only be out for an hour or so. Do you want anything bringing back?...No chance sunshine! I'll see you in a bit. Bye." She hung up her cell and all though I could have watched her all day, I had to say something. This was my chance to correct the mistake I made the last time. I wasn't going to let her walk away again.

"So what should I call you now?" Sarah turned to see who was talking to her and her face went white. _Is that good shock? Or bad shock? She probably doesn't remember what I'm talking about. _I reminded her that I wasn't going to call her little lady anymore and that I needed a new name for her.

She said I should call her by her name. The attitude made me feel like it was bad shock. Her cell rang again and she began speaking to someone about she won't kill anyone and I had to smile at it, because she didn't look like she was being honest. _You're not getting away this time. I can't spend the next two months thinking of what could have been. _Sarah hung up and I couldn't keep my distance any longer. I took a few steps in her direction to see how she would respond.

"You going out to kill someone, darlin'?" _She hasn't backed off._

Sarah said that she was being forced to go shopping and that I should refer to her by her name. _No. I like the color your face turns when I don't._

"I thought all women liked to shop. Why are you being forced to?" I took a step closer and still she didn't back away. She said she was going out to dinner and didn't have anything for the dress code. _Is she going on a date? _The thought of her going to dinner with another guy bothered me more than I liked.

"Do you mean you're going on a date?" _Please say it's business not pleasure._

"It's not a date. I don't date. Vince has invited me and Stewie to dinner tonight." _Thank fuck it's not a date. Hang on. Dinner with Vince? _It occurred to me that this must be the same dinner he told me to be at for 8 tonight. _Sarah's going to be there?_ I smiled at the realization and took another step towards her. I said I was going to this dinner too and that I would get to see her later. _How far can I push you?_

I took the risk and got so close to her that it made me think of how close we were in Providence, how close I was to kissing her. I could see her cashmere sweater was two sizes too big for her and I really wanted to see how she looked when she wasn't buried under all those clothes. I leaned down and whispered in her ear that I wanted to see her in something more flattering and I held my cheek against her ear a little longer than was necessary. _Fuck, I want to kiss you. _I was getting turned on being this close to her and I had to leave.

"...See you tonight darlin'." I walked away. I couldn't give in to how she makes me feel right in the middle of the reception area.

I got a cold shower as soon as I got to my room. I thought about how to get Sarah alone and what I wanted to do to her once I had her to myself. The thoughts I had of her lips, her naked body and her screaming out my name made me want to find out where she was staying. The cold shower wasn't doing the job it was supposed to anymore, so I turned up the heat. On the shower and on myself.

I sat drinking a coffee on the couch in my room and decided to call Glenn, just to rub it in that Sarah was here.

'Guess what. I'm in Baltimore and guess who else is.' I heard Glenn force all the air out of his lungs so he wouldn't have any left to tell me to fuck off. 'Sarah Delgado!'

'You are shitting me? Why the fuck did I decide to take time off now? You're a fucking bastard you know that!' I laughed while Glenn continued his little jealous rant.

'Yeah well, I guess I'm just lucky! In fact, Vince has invited her to the dinner we have before a pay-per-view. She's out shopping for something nice and revealing to wear.' I loved winding Glenn up. It was so easy to do! But then the joke was on me.

'So what is going to happen this time? Because I know you have a thing for her and it's not just about sex.'

I didn't know how to respond. _Why would he think that? _'Not talking much now, are ya! So tell me, what are you going to do about it?'

'Do about what?'

'About Sarah. Are you going to let her walk away again or are you going to take the bull by the horns and tell her how you feel?' _How I feel? _'You know you're crazy about her, so just suck it up and tell her.'

'There's nothing to tell, you have it all wrong. I just want to get her in bed is all. Nothing more, nothing less.' _No woman is going to make a fool of me again._

'Fine, get her into bed and then call me in a week and tell me you won't be thinking about her and that you won't be wanting to be with her.' Glenn had really made me stop and think. The last time I was with Sarah I could feel something deeper than just attraction and I really would have cheated on Sara, regardless of if I knew what she was up to or not, and I did find myself thinking of Sarah every day since then.

'You can't can you? You can't tell me that when you look into her eyes, you can't see yourself without her.'

'Have you been reading your wife's romance novels again?' I tried to lighten things, to take the pressure off myself and the possibility that I really felt something more for Sarah but Glenn saw through it, just like he did with most of my crap.

'Don't kid yourself. Just see where she stands and go for it. Call me tomorrow and tell me if you decided to be a chicken shit or not.' Glenn hung up and I felt like I had been dragged for ten city blocks under a Hummer. _I guess I shall see tonight._

I went to the gym and had lunch before going to a fan signing in the convention center that was joined to this hotel via a sky-walk.

I got back around five and showered for the third time today and I just sat on the edge of the bed in my towel and thought about seeing Sarah at tonight's dinner. _How should I act? _

I have been a bit of a pig in recent months when it came to women and I didn't really want a woman for anything other than sex, but something told me Sarah wouldn't put up with that sort of attitude and even if she did respond to me, she would just pull out her 'no one night stands' card and walk away again. _Unless, I just flirt a bit and see what she does..._ It was probably the best way to go about it, but I was getting a bit old for cat and mouse games and something somewhere told me that one night with her just wouldn't be enough.

I lay on the bed and imagined what it would be like if Sarah were in this bed with me right now and I had a feeling -a very physical feeling- that the sex would be out of this world. I pictured every detail and every move she might make while I brought myself off and it wasn't until I went to clean myself up that I realized that the fantasy I had this time was so different from all the other fantasies I have had about her.

This time it was more about pleasure rather than urgency or giving in to passion. And the really startling this was that in my fantasy, after we had sex, she lay in my arms and I have never thought about that before. _What the fuck does that mean?_

I saw the clock and realized I didn't have time to Sigmund Freud my fantasy. I got dressed in record time and left my room and hurried to the elevator. I just saw a little black guy that looked really familiar stepping into the elevator and I got there in time to put my hand out to stop the doors from closing.

As the doors pulled back for me to get in, I was greeted to a unbelievably beautiful sight. Sarah was in the elevator dressed in a tight shiny dress that really showed off her figure. It was more incredible than I had imagined. I said my hello's but couldn't stop looking at how fucking sexy she looks. I complemented her appearance and she looked a bit shy, like she had no idea of how stunning she looks. _She's got to be DD at least._

The little black guy who looked familiar was Sarah's brother and he said something about a promise and he couldn't stop it. I asked what he meant but I wasn't really listening to him because the thoughts of what I wanted to do to Sarah were overruling everything else. We got out of the elevator and Sarah looked relieved.

"So you're on my floor?" I had to say something because I was aware that I had now gone from just looking her over to leering.

"Yeah, she's in room five-seven-two." Sarah's brother said and then she gave him a look that could have killed instantly and he ran off. _572. 572. 572. Wait...that's the room next to mine. Now there's a sign!_

"So you'll be sleeping right next to me tonight." I joked, but Sarah's face flushed red and she looked like she was tongue twisted. I knew how it sounded and that was deliberate to see how she would react. _Maybe she's not experienced?_

"I don't mean nothin' by it darlin'. I just meant you're in the room next to mine."

"That's a double negative." Sarah corrected me like a fucking school teacher and walked off in front of me.

A Chevy Continental pulled up out side the hotel and Sarah's brother ran out, and the door practically swung back in Sarah's face. I held the door open for her and followed her out. As soon as Sarah stepped out, she brought her hands up to her chest and started rubbing her arms.

"Cold, darlin'?" I stood right behind her and got a really nice view down her dress.

Sarah turned her head slightly and she had her attitude in full flow, telling me once again to stop with the pet name. _I bet she really is a little spitfire! But I'm not done with this yet..._ I pulled her back, almost making her trip and spun her around so I could see how she would react to me telling her she could borrow my jacket again. I saw something flash in her eyes and there was definitely recognition of being outside the hotel in Providence. But that little flash in her eyes... I didn't know what it was because as soon as it came, it went again.

Her attitude came back again and she brushed me off. I walked away thinking about how to get her alone tonight. I had to have her.

The restaurant was only a six minute drive away, but I stopped off at a little diner near by for a coffee. I knew I was going to be late and Vince would chew me out, but part of me wanted Sarah to wonder where I was.

I finished up and parked opposite the restaurant. I was shown to the back room and I could hear Hardy asking where I was then Vince saying I had better hurry up.

"Don't worry, old man. I'm here." I walked around the corner and saw the only seat that was empty was the one to Sarah's left. I sat down and smiled at Sarah, who didn't respond. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." _I definitely have to have her. _ While I was having my coffee before coming here, I had decided to see how far I could push her and I really was going to try to get her into bed. I don't want to spend the next few months wondering how she would feel naked under me.

We all chatted and joked around while we waited for our main. I noticed Sarah hardly touched the appetizer and I also noticed her cell kept ringing.

Sarah kept apologizing for it and then I found out why she was here and it explained why she didn't seem too happy. This trip was forced upon her to take time off from working and she admitted she should have stayed back home.

The main course arrived and Sarah had taken one bite before her cell started ringing again. She ignored the call and started pushing the food around on her plate. I asked if she was counting calories and she looked offended at first, but then her face softened.

"I love food. I just don't have much of an appetite." She went back to looking at her plate. _I bet she does. I bet she likes to take her time... _I took the bull by the horns to see how she would respond. I leaned in and made sure she looked in my eyes.

"Somethin' tells me that's not true."She looked a little shocked with me at first but then a delicious smile spread across her lips. _That's the look I want to see!_

Sarah asked if I were calling her fat or if I was being brazen. _Brazen? I like that word!_ I looked at her smooth legs under the table, then I looked at the gentle curve of her hips, then at her chest. _ I've got to be with her. Just go for it._ I leaned back into her and placed my hands against hers, waiting to see if she would flinch.

"Trust me darlin' when I say you are a damn sexy woman and I would love to be brazen with you." I studied her face, she looked a little shy, and her face flushed, but then she started to smile.

"Bless. At least you think you're charming!" She started chuckling to herself and I had to try harder to make her see what I wanted. I told her to give me the word and before I could finish what I was going to say, her brother interrupted us and Sarah was not happy with him at all. Neither was I. _You've been fucking quiet all __night and now you chose to open your mouth?_

They started talking about promises again. This was the second time in front of me that they had this conversation, but this time Sarah told him that he didn't have to keep his promise. _What the fuck are they talking about?_

Sarah brushed my questions off and her brother went back to talking to John. _I've got to keep pushing her._

I asked what we were talking about to see if she would try to brush it off or if she would reciprocate.

"You were saying something about saying a word..." Sarah smiled a very sexy smile and raised one eyebrow, almost daring me to tell her what I have in mind. _This is my chance to get her alone._

"I think I'll save that word for somewhere not so crowded." I smiled at her to see if she would take the invitation and she giggled, saying she had to say the word so she would have to know what that word was. _This is why I never chase smart women!_

"You're a bit of a smart ass aren't you? I think you should give me your number, then when I feel like it, I can text you what that word is!"

She asked if I had gone shy on her and I was about to say something outlandish but then I looked at her face, and saw for the first time I didn't want this to be one night. There was no denying it anymore. I wanted to find out who she was, and I didn't know how to feel about it.

Her phone started going off again and she broke off her eye contact and looked really pissed. She looked at her phone and something made her stand up, like she had sat on a thumbtack. Everyone at the table looked at her.

"Excuse me. I have to take this." Sarah left the table and I was left puzzled.

"What was that about?" I asked her brother and he shrugged his shoulders saying it was probably because it was the end of the working day in London and she needed something sorted for Monday.

"Does she always have her cell going off every five minutes?"

"Not really because back home, she's very hands on, so she only gets called when she's needed somewhere else. All I could think about was him saying 'she's very hands on.'_ I've got to get her hands on me._

I sat and finished the only beer I have had, as I was driving, and Sarah still wasn't back. _Maybe she's waiting for me to follow her, to take the chance to be alone._

"Excuse me, I need to make a call." That was a total lie and Sarah's brother knew it was.

"You're excused. Just make sure you don't get frost bite!" He winked at me, knowing exactly why I was leaving.

I looked near the restrooms and couldn't see her. I asked one of the waiters if he had seen Sarah and he pointed to the doors leading outside.

I saw her stood with her arms around her, trying to keep warm so I took my jacket off before going out to her. _I'll warm you up, I'll keep you warm all night._

Sarah didn't hear me as I stood behind her, even though I had asked if she was OK. It was only when I put my jacket around her shoulders did she make any reaction. She turned to face me and I expected her to look happy or maybe with a seductive little look on her face, but she had no expression what so ever. Her eyes looked dead. _Maybe this will work..._

"I really want to spend the night with you darlin'. You wanna get out of here?" To prove I was serious, I leaned down to kiss her. I was so close when she pushed me away yet again. Her eyes searched my face for answers and I think I knew what she was trying to ask. The truth of it was, looking at her right now, I didn't want this to be just about tonight, I wanted to know her and I wanted to see her again.

"What's wrong? Is this your one night rule? Because I don't want..." I was just about to tell her I wanted to see where this takes us, but she scowled at me and said she had to leave. Again. She went back in and I honestly didn't know what to think. She had been fine with me, flirting a little bit and now she's telling me to fuck off. _Has anyone figured women out yet? If so, can you call me?_

I put my jacket back on that Sarah practically threw at me and lit up. _What the fuck is her problem? If she just let me finish what I was going to say, I could have been driving her back to the hotel right now. Fuck it. I'm going to ask her what's going on._ I was about to throw my cigarette away and go find her when she came back outside.

I asked if she was going to tell me what was up with her, or if she was going to run off again.

I don't have time for this." _Don't have time for this? _Her attitude was back and she wasn't being cute with it this time. _Well, I've got attitude too. _I was going to tell her that she can't expect me to be OK with her walking away again when her brother came out asking if she was flying back tonight. _She's running home?_ I don't know why it made me laugh. I just pictured her going home and telling her friends that the big, bad man tried to take advantage!

I made a crack about her not having to go to that extreme because of me and I really should have thought before I opened my mouth. She got right in my face, her eyes were on fire and she looked like she wanted to hit me.

"Have you even thought that this isn't anything to do with you? You fucking conceited prick." _Fuck. She's really mad._

I can't remember what I said to her after that because I was in complete shock, not only because she spoke to me like that, but because she spoke that way period. Her brother pulled her back before she punched me, and I swear she was going to, and he reacted the same way I did. He asked what was going on because, according to him, Sarah never cussed. _I guess I just bring it out in her!_

Sarah's demeanor changed dramatically when the little guy asked her what was wrong. She hung her head and looked completely drained. I heard her say in a soft voice that it was someone called Christopher and something about not having much time. _Does she have a boyfriend? What would make her so upset at that?_

I didn't really think it could be anything bad until Sarah's brother tried to put his arms around her and she pulled away from him like it pained her to be held. _Oh shit. What's happened?_

I stood in front of her to stop her from wearing a hole in the concrete where she paced back and forth over and over again. She stopped in her tracks and her eyes were back to being lifeless.

I asked if she was OK and she just simply said 'no' before looking at the approaching cab.

She opened the door of the cab and my head was screaming at me not to let her leave. _At least get her number or a promise that you will see her again._

I stopped her from getting in and she looked in my eyes and my mouth went dry and I found I couldn't speak. _Don't let her walk away._

"I'm sorry, Mark." I couldn't find the words and all I could do was watch her leave. Again.


	13. Sunshine After the Rain

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**Sunshine After the Rain.**

I was pissed off. The concierge was very helpful in calling the airline for me but the git I spoke to on the other end of the phone was not. I couldn't get a flight back until 6:30 in the morning and it would be lunch time by the time I landed in London. _It's too long. What if I can't make it in time?_

I took full advantage of the gym's punching bag seen as though I had to wait for almost seven hours before I could leave. I cleared most of the anger and futility of the situation and headed back.

As soon as I got to my room and before I took a shower, I called Alex and let him know what was going on. Plus, I needed a lift from the airport.

I was about ten minutes into the conversation and packing the few bits I had laying around when there was a knock on the door. _Crap! Stewie! _I just left and didn't even tell him I wasn't going straight away.

I turned the handle and left the door ajar and went straight back in the bedroom to finish packing.

'Just remember it's terminal four and I land at 11:20 GMT. I'll go straight to the hospital from there.'

'You sure you're all right?' I could hear the concern in Alex's voice and I know he worried, but this wasn't about me.

'You should be asking Harry and Susan if they are OK, not me. I'm fine, I'm always fine, so just don't forget to pick me up at Heathrow. I've got to go, Stewie is here and I need to talk to him. Remember terminal four at 11:20.'

'OK, kiddo, I've wrote it down. I'll meet you right outside the gate.'

'Thanks, Alex. See you soon.'

I hung up and was about to go to the sitting area to talk to Stewie, when I saw Mark stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

"What are you doing here?" I didn't think I would see him again, and it made me realise that I was actually happy he was here.

"We have been looking for you all over. What have you being doing?" Mark looked at my attire and I realised I still had my gym gear on. I told him where I had been and Mark just smiled.

"Is Stewie out there?" I asked, but didn't wait for an answer. I pushed past Mark and found that Stewie wasn't in my suite. "Where is he?"

"He's in his room. I text him to say I have found you and he said he would be across in a little while." Mark made his way to the little kitchen area and started looking through the cupboards.

"Make yourself at home." I stood with my arms folded, wondering why he was here. Not that I was displeased to see him again, it's just that I was so close to forgetting all my rules and was willing to sleep with him. _Is that why he's here?_

Mark told me he was making coffee and asked if I wanted one too.

"No thank you, I don't like filtered coffee it's too bitter. But you help yourself while I shower."

While I was getting dried off in the bathroom, it hit me that I had to walk past Mark to the bedroom in just my towel. _Crap. What if he sees my tattoo? Crap. What if he is here to sleep with me?_

I thought about it, I thought about Mark touching me and kissing me and I couldn't think of anything else. _Do it. Get him out of your system and then you can concentrate fully on Christopher._

I wrapped the towel around me and walked into the sitting area where Mark was spread out on one of the sofa's with a mug of coffee in his hand.

"You forget your clothes?" Mark sat up straight and put his coffee down. _I can't just throw myself at him. _I told him I had other things on my mind and went to get dressed.

I put on a cashmere jumper and some grey trousers, as I had to sit on a plane for close to ten hours, and wanted to be comfortable.

_Am I really going to do this? Am I ready to be with Mark?_ My head was telling me that I shouldn't disregard my 'no one night stands' rule, but the rest of me was telling me it would make me feel better and perhaps help me forget Mark. _Mark._ The only man in a long time who had made me feel anything at all. _Just see how it goes._

I came back and sat on the sofa opposite to where Mark was sat. "Are you OK, sweetheart?"

"Sweetheart? How many pet names do you have in your vocabulary, exactly?"

Mark came to sit next to me and squashed me a little bit, but I didn't complain, in case he moved. "I have a few, but I only use sweetheart for certain people! Why? Do you not like being called that?" I told him I didn't need a pet name and once again told him to call me by my name.

"I don't want to call you Sarah. I think I should stick with sweetheart." _Is he just a prick by nature? Or does he actually think he's charming? _"Tell me about Christopher." Mark stretched out and rested his arm on the back of the sofa, right behind my head.

I told Mark who Christopher was and why I had to fly back as soon as I could and Mark put his hand on my neck and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Not because I thought he was being inappropriate, but because Mark was running his fingers over the nape of my neck and it was turning me on.

"I'm really tired and don't feel like talking."

"Why don't you get some sleep and I'll wake you when you have to leave." Mark sat right back and tried to pull me into his chest. _NO! Not a good idea!_

"I don't cuddle and I sleep alone." I pushed myself off him and started pacing. _How the Hell can I throw a seven foot guy out of my room? _I looked at Mark who was taking steps towards me and it only just then occurred to me he wasn't as tall as I thought he was. "You're not as big as you should be." I then became aware of how that may have sounded! Mark burst out laughing and I liked his laugh.

"I'm only billed as six feet ten and a half! I'm actually six eight." _2 ½ inches makes all the difference! _I had to suppress my giggle, but Mark caught it.

"You thinking something about two and a half inches, sweetheart?" He smiled at me and I was left a bit shocked. _Did he just read my mind? _"The colour of your cheeks gave it away!" _Did he just read my mind again?Quick, change the subject._

"Why are you here?"

Mark said he wanted to get to know me and it made my head spin and I know I probably blushed again. _As in __**Really**__ get to know me?_ I didn't know what to say and Mark took a seat and patted the cushion for me to sit next to him.

I squished myself beside him and I don't know why I did. This isn't how I am and I am certainly not like this with a stranger.

"What's to tell? We already talked about my interests and work the last time we met." I thought back to that night and how I ran off. _He was married then, but he's not now. I could get him out of my system. _

"Yeah, but I want more." Mark gave that sexy half smile again and I was really fighting the temptation to kiss him. _I want more too._ "When is your birthday?" _Eh? _I was getting confused by his behaviour. One minute, I thought he was perhaps flirting with me then next, he was talking like we were old friends. _What does he want from me?_

"October. Nineteenth of October." I knew when Mark's birthday was, but I asked anyway, so it didn't come across that I had looked him up on that Google thingy. Mark told me his birthday was in March, he also told me he would be 41 next month.

"I didn't realise there is almost twenty years between us." I never really thought of myself as only 21. I had always been so much older than my years. I was forced to grow up early.

Mark asked if the age difference would be a problem and I had to wonder why he would ask.

"Just need to know in case I ever run into you again and ask you to dinner." _Holy crap. His he really playing this game?_

"I told you before I love food. I'll share a meal with a five year old or a seventy five year old!"

Mark laughed and shook his head. I knew he wasn't asking to share a meal, but if all he wanted was to sleep with me, then why go to the effort of dressing it up as something it's not?

"OK, so let's talk about something else. Why don't you cuddle?" The question really took me by surprise and I couldn't do anything but choke on my response. "Come on, sweetheart. It can't be that hard to answer. Is it because you don't like men?" I again choked on my answer.

"Why...I do...I just.." the truth of it was, I didn't like men. I don't trust them and I don't like cuddles because I have never known what it's like to be loved. _I can't tell him that! _"Let's talk about sports or something." My avoidance was painfully obvious and I was surprised, because I was so much better at avoidance that I was being right now.

Mark put his arm around me again and I swear, if he started tickling the sensitive spot on my neck again then I wouldn't be able to walk away so easily.

"You don't have to keep avoiding a simple conversation. You can talk to me." _I don't want to talk... _I had my hands interlaced and resting on my knee because I was so close to giving into the temptation of letting my fingers trace the inside seam of his trousers and then letting the rest of me follow.

I didn't say anything for ages and I was getting nervous by the sound of silence. Nervous because with no other noise to distract my thoughts, I was so close to giving in to the voice in my head that was screaming at me to just get him out of my system.

Mark spoke and it snapped me out of my fugue. I asked him to repeat what he had said and Mark was asking if I didn't know what it's like to cuddle. _No. I don't._

"Just leave it alone." I was about to walk away and tell him that I was getting miffed, but Mark pulled me back down and made me look at him. _Who the Hell does he think he is?_

"Sweetheart, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable with this, but Stewie said you don't like men and you're getting me curious now. Are you..." Mark stroked his beard, which I noticed he did when he was trying to choose his words. "...Are you gay?" _WHAT?_ _I'm going to kill Stewie!_

I didn't know what to say to him first. I didn't know whether to be offended at the comment or to laugh in his face. I went with the laughing.

"What's so funny? I just thought you were trying to tell me..." I laughed even harder at the sheer embarrassment on his face.

"Trying to tell you? Why on Earth would I talk about my sex life with you?" I wiped away the tears of laughter and started to feel a little sorry for him. If that's what he really thought, and he really was here for just sex, then it couldn't have been easy to ask.

After Mark had drank three more mugs of coffee and we did eventually talk about sports and other, more palatable topics of conversation Mark once again tried to get personal.

"I know it was funny to you, but you didn't answer."

"Answer what?" I knew what he was asking and my brain was scrambling to find a 'get out' for this.

"Are you gay?" Mark had a face like he was preparing himself for a flu shot. I could feel the giggles surge up again, but vowed to control it. _Sod it. Just tell him. Maybe then he will shut up._

"No Mark, I'm not a lesbian." He stroked his beard and relaxed.

"So why don't you like men? You had your heart broken?" _No, not my heart. Just a few ribs and my nose, but that's all._

"No, never been in love. And it's not that I don't like men, it's just that I don't trust them." I gave Mark my theory on love. _Why did I say that? Why am I saying things to him I would only ever talk to Alex or Stewie about?_

Mark asked why I don't trust and I had to tell him, there simply was no 'get out' for this.

"That's pretty bleak. But do you really think all men are like that?" Mark had the same look on his face Alex always got when he was concerned for me. I just shrugged my shoulders and explained I don't think about it.

"Hello in there..." I heard Stewie shout through the door and I was actually really happy about it. Things with Mark were getting way too comfortable.

I went to open the door and Stewie being Stewie, couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"OOH! I'm not disturbing anything am I?" Stewie looked at Mark and the smile on his face grew wider when I joked that he was. "Can I talk to you..." Stewie didn't wait for a reply and dragged me into the bedroom. "No...The bed is still made. Gutted. What's been happening?"

"Nothing has happened. I'm sorry that I ran off before talking to you properly, but my head is all over the place."

"I know it is babes, do you want me to fly back with you?" Stewie's offer was very kind, but I just prefer to be alone when I'm a bit emotional.

We talked for ten minutes or so before Stewie handed me twelve miniature bottles of vodka.

"Just in case you need something to take the edge off. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now." _Here we go again. It's like talking to Alex._

"I know you don't like talking, but you're going to see a little boy you care about die. Just stop with the fucking defensive shit and admit you are feeling something." I was in shock that Stewie would say something like that. He and Alex were the only ones who didn't give me a hard time for not crying at Titanic.

"I feel pissed off. Are you done?" I stormed out of the bedroom and was going to open the door and throw him out. Stewie and I argued and I was getting more and more angry with every word, until Stewie finally backed off.

"Sorry, babes. But I know what you're hiding and I know you will deal with all this your own shut off way, but just know I'm here whenever you don't feel like being strong any more." That stopped me in my tracks. Stewie had only ever offered emotional support when my dad died and it made me realise that Christopher was actually going to die. He wasn't going for another surgery or treatment. He was going to die. I felt the tears try to fight their way out, but I pushed them back. _Don't fall apart._

I hugged Stewie, who nearly fell back in shock.

"Fuck me babes. You drank that vodka already? Or is it those pod people again?" Stewie was being back to normal and I thanked him for that.

Stewie and I said our goodbyes and he left.

_Christopher...why is this happening to a child? _ I leaned my head against the door and almost started to cry, when I felt a hand on my waist. _Crap. I forgot Mark was here._ I turned to face him and he brushed a bit of hair away from my face, he looked very serious and I thought he was going to finally make a move.

"You OK, sweetheart? You want to talk?" Mark's hand made it's way from my face and came to rest on my hip.

"I don't feel like talking..." I stepped in closer to him and my heart was beating so loudly that I wondered if Mark could hear it. I placed my hands on his chest and moved closer still. I stood on my tiptoes and my lips were millimetres away from his. _I just want to feel..._

"Sweetheart..." I kissed him before he could say anything else. It was a quick and gentle kiss, but it was enough to make me want to feel him inside of me.

Mark pushed me up against the door and stroked his fingers across my cheek, his eyes never looking away from mine. _This is it. This is where I let him take me._

"You shouldn't do this. We shouldn't." Mark's other hand started lightly rubbing my hip and the tips of his fingers found their way under the hem of my jumper, caressing my burning skin.

"You don't seem to be convinced of that." I pressed my body against his. I let my hands explore his chest, his nipples hardened under the smoothness of the silk shirt. _Too much clothing in the way..._ I started to unbutton his shirt, the longing to feel my skin against his was overriding everything else.

"You need to stop this..." I kissed him quickly again, and waited for him to give in to me. His hand moved from my hip and started squeezing my bum, just gently at first, but then he stooped his head and tightened his grip around the back of my neck. _Please just give in. Please just make me feel._

Mark kissed me lightly behind my ear, God it felt so good, he kissed me further until he was under my chin, then started to kiss the other side of my neck.

He squeezed my bum tighter, pulling my body so it was pressed right up against his and I could feel how excited he was. I could feel what I wanted to feel inside me. _I need you, Mark. I need you to make me feel. _I couldn't wait any longer. I started to unfasten his belt, trying to get to what I wanted, but Mark stopped every thing. _What the fuck?_

"This is killing me to say...but we shouldn't do this." Mark took his hands away and stepped back from me.

"I thought you wanted this. Isn't this why you're here?" I straightened my jumper and my hair while I waited for an answer from him.

Mark went to sit on the sofa and buried his head in his hands. "You have no idea how much I want to be with you right now, but you're just lashing out about that little boy." _He wants me? Funny way of showing it._

"I can't think about that."

"Come here, sweetheart." Mark reached out his hand for me to take and to my surprise, I took it. He pulled me down on to his lap and it really didn't make the longing for him go away. "You are only doing this to make yourself not think about him and I can't take advantage of you being upset. What kind of gentleman would that make me?" Mark smiled and I had to follow suit.

"You're a gentleman?" I faked being shocked and Mark tried to argue his defence.

Another hour or so had passed and I was curled up on the sofa. Well, as curled up as I could get with Mark's huge frame sharing the space.

"You look tired, sweetheart. Why don't you get some sleep and I'll wake you in a little while." Mark brushed his fingers through my hair and it began to make me relax.

"I am a little tired, but I don't think I could sleep." I tried to make myself uncomfortable so I would stay alert, but after being awake for 28 hours and Mark stroking my hair, I was finding it hard to be anything other than sleepy.

"Do you want me to go and see if they have tea here?" I smiled and said yes.

"Wake up sweetheart." _Where the Hell am I? Is that Mark? _I opened my eyes that I didn't even realised were closed, and Mark was smiling at me.

"What time is it? Did I fall asleep?" I sat up and found I had a blanket over me. "This wasn't here before."

I could hear Mark chuckling but I couldn't really focus on anything, I was exhausted and in desperate need of a cuppa.

"It's almost five. I made a cup of tea for you." Now I was awake!

"Do you read minds?" I saw a cup on the coffee table and made a grab for it. "This is just the right temperature!" I looked into the cup and my thoughts of this being perfect were too hasty. "You put milk in first, didn't you?" Mark had a guilty look on his face and argued that he was American and knew naff all about tea.

"...I will remember for next time though!" Mark said, with a hopeful smile.

"Next time?" That made me perk up!

"Yeah, next time." Mark took my hand in his and came over all serious. "I know I have been behaving like a bit of a jerk, but please trust me when I say that I want to see you again and I want to be friends." _Friends? _If I had nuts, I'm sure this is what it must feel like being kicked in them.

I had finished packing my things out of the bathroom and had my small suitcase by the door while I double checked I left everything neat and tidy.

"You need me to drive you?" Mark took my suitcase and opened the door for me.

"No thanks. I have a taxi...I mean a cab coming for me in..." I took hold of Mark's hand and looked at his watch. "...ten minutes." _I only have ten minutes left? _ I felt torn. I wanted to be with Christopher, but I didn't want to leave Mark. _Why is he affecting me like this? I usually can't wait to get rid of a man._ Mark said he would carry my suitcase down for me and we went to the lift.

"I got to spend the night with you after all!" Mark smiled and I had to laugh and I joked about it too. _My taxi is here..._ _I don't want to go._ My heart sank as I walked to the taxi and opened the door. _I don't want to leave. _I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't want to face what I had to go back to, or because I didn't want to leave Mark.

"Are you just going to walk away again, sweetheart?" Mark looked hopeful that I would piss the taxi driver off and make him wait a few more minutes.

"No, of course not." _Although walking away now is probably the best thing to do._

"I need to ask a favour of you." Mark reached down and tried to take my hand, but I pulled away for fear of him getting under my skin. I asked what the favour was and he asked me to call him and that I would see him again. _He really wants to see me again? _I didn't know what to say, so I joked about it.

I got in the taxi and was about to close the door when it occurred to me that I couldn't call Mark. I said I didn't have his number, but he smiled and said that I did. He said goodbye to me and closed the door.

_I don't want to leave. _The taxi pulled away and I felt lost. _I don't have his number._

I couldn't sleep on the plane and I couldn't sleep in the hospital. Aside from the one hour nap I had at the hotel in Baltimore, I had been awake since 5:30 on Saturday morning. It was now close to 10pm Monday and I had only just got back to my dads house. Christopher died at 8:30pm and I never want to see death again. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a child and I can't imagine how Harry and Susan would live the rest of their lives. It was too painful to even try to comprehend.

"Here, drink this then get yourself to bed." Alex handed me a whiskey, which I drank and it was foul.

"I really don't think I can sleep. I just need to unwind a bit before I go up, I think I will read for a while and then get some sleep." I sat on the sofa and pulled a blanket up to my chest.

"OK, kiddo. Do you want some company? I can stay over if you want." Alex perched himself on the arm of the sofa and ran his fingers through my hair. Just like Mark did, but this didn't have the same calming affect.

"It's OK, I'll be fine. I'll finish the book I started on the plane and then I'll go to sleep 'til Wednesday!"

Alex kissed the top of my head and said he would call 'round tomorrow. "By the way, when you called to say you would be coming back early, I let myself in and recorded the show you were going to see." Alex kissed me on the top of my head again and left. _Great! I'm trying not to think of Mark and Alex records 'No Way Out'!_

I watched it all before going deciding I needed to go to bed, as it was now 3am. It still seemed strange to me seeing Mark on the TV. He wasn't The Undertaker any more, he was Mark. My friend Mark.

I took my mobile phone out of my bag and noticed I had a twelve missed calls, but decided to deal with it tomorrow. I searched my phone to see if Mark had added himself to my contacts, because he said I have his number and said it with a secretive look on his face. I figured he had hid it somewhere. _No. No Mark listed. No Undertaker listed. No Calaway listed. Where did he put it?_ I rummaged in my handbag and found an envelope right at the bottom.

On the front it read: 'Not very good at explaining things so...' _Mark?_ It made my heart skip and I couldn't wait to read what he left me. _Probably just his number. No love poetry, so don't get carried away, daft lass. _

After brushing my teeth and taking a bath, I crawled into bed at 4am and I could feel the exhaustion take hold of me. I turned on my reading lamp and opened the white envelope.

You look so peaceful sleeping!

I just wanted to say that I like spending time with you

and I hope I can again soon.

I'm in London in April and I really want to see you. Perhaps share a meal!

Call me.

Mark xxx

I had no idea what to make of his little note, but one thing was for certain. Mark had written his number at the bottom and I wanted to call him straight away. _Don't give into it._ I was exhausted and clearly not thinking straight, so I turned off the light and fell asleep thinking of Mark and how I wish he were here with me.


	14. One Step Closer

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

**One Step Closer.**

"Where the fuck is she?" I drove Sarah's brother back to the hotel and after speaking to the desk clerk we knew she hadn't yet checked out. "She never deals withthis stuff well, but she is always organized, no matter what the crisis is. She wouldn't have flown back without remembering to check out would she?" _What fucking crisis?_

"You know her better than me. Where would she go if she needed a time out?" Stewie thought for a few seconds before a moment of clarity washed over him.

"Her garden! Yeah. She always sits in her garden when she needs some peace and quiet." Stewie looked pleased with himself, but then started sulking. "Her fucking garden is in London. How the fuck can she be there?" He argued with himself and I had to wonder if he was crazy or it was just a British thing.

We went up to her room and checked again, but there was no answer. "There's no light from under the door." I pointed out and Stewie looked worried, but tried to cover it up. _What the fuck is going on?_

"Fuck it. If I'm going to chase her all night, I need caffeine. You want to get a coffee?" I said I did and we went to the cafe and I ordered a standard coffee and Stewie got an espresso. Probably the last thing this guy needed was a caffeine high.

"You mind telling me what's going on? Is Christopher her boyfriend?"

"Sarah with a boyfriend? No! She fucking hates men! Christopher is a boy she spends time with in the hospital. He's got cancer or something and she said the phone call she got was to say he didn't have much time left."

I felt like a world class prick. I was trying to get her in my car, or against the wall, or where ever was closest and she had just been told a child was dying and knowing how much she cares about kids, it must be killing her to be this far away from him.

"Will she be OK?"

"God no. She'll act as tough as nails though. She pretends that she's unaffected and she hides behind walls and every time someone dies, or something happens that would fuck up most, she becomes that little bit more harder to reach. God, she loves that little boy. She's going to be a fucking nightmare to live with after this." I asked how he meant and I restrained myself from asking why she hated men.

"I don't really know much about her life before I came to live with them but Alex, that's the drummer, said Sarah was always a bit off with people and not very social and that she does love those close to her but she will never ever tell you that. Don't get me wrong, she always was a kind and caring person, but never loving or easy to reach but after Steve died, fuck she was impossible to talk to or get near. She became so hateful and cold that we thought she was lost forever."

I figured she had intimacy issues when she didn't even let her brother hug her, but to hear she was hateful was something I would never have associated with her. I asked about Sarah's dad and how she coped with his death. I knew Stevie Delgado died of AIDS and I can't imagine a daughter witness her father suffering every day for years.

"Sarah and her dad were always close and became inseparable towards the end. She sat with him everyday and took care of him, you know, like changed him and fed him. They laughed and joked, even though Steve was in so much pain but he never let her see how much it hurt. When he died, she died too. She didn't leave his bedroom for about three days and didn't eat or talk, she just sat by his bed like he was still there. Sarah was never the same, she had us, but it was like her whole universe disappeared. She distanced herself from everyone around her and threw herself into University and work. At first, Alex and me thought she was just trying to get back to normal, she had always been a workaholic book worm, but it was more than that. She became a shadow of herself and she's still like that two years later. Proper fucking hardhearted bitch, she is. Well, only to the people who don't know her and she won't let any one get close, she will distance herself from any one who tries."

Hearing what she had been through made me want to hold her and never let go. I wanted to make her feel better, but if her own brother and this Alex guy didn't know how, then what the fucking Hell chance do I have?

"Not to be a pig about this, but Sarah and I were pretty close..." I left the end of the sentence open, hoping I wouldn't have tell the guy I wanted to have sex with his sister, but he got the picture.

"You mean you wanted to fuck her? Yeah, well she doesn't like men, so I was a bit surprised by how she was acting with you." _Doesn't like men? That's twice he's said that. Is he trying to tell me she's gay or something?_

"We were getting close, just leave it at that. How should I act around her now?"

"It depends. If you see her and act like everything is normal, then she will never face this. If you see her and try it on, she'd probably let you into her bed because she wants to forget what's happening back home, but she will hate herself and you for it." _OK, so how do I act with her?_

We had finished our coffee and decided to split up to look for Sarah. We exchanged phone numbers in case one of us found her.

I got out the elevator and stood outside her door. The light was on and I heard her voice on the other side of the door. _Thank God she's OK. _I didn't realize how relieved I would be to find she hadn't already left. _At least I can say goodbye properly and maybe arrange to see her again._

I text Stewie, letting him know that Sarah was in her room. I knocked on her door and hoped she didn't tell me to fuck off. The door opened a crack and I pushed it open. _Where is she? _My cell sounded and it was Stewie:

'Good. Try your best to get her to talk about this. I'll leave you two alone for a while. I'm going to my room but I'll come see her in an hour or so.' I heard Sarah's voice coming from the bedroom area and went over.

I leaned against the door frame to the bedroom and listened to her on her cell.

Sarah finished her call and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw me. She asked why I was here and I told her we had been looking for her. I looked at how she was dressed and figured she had worked off her despair on the treadmill.

"I've been to the gym." She barged past me asking about Stewie and I said he would be over in a little while. She started thundering around the sitting area and looked completely lost. _She's not going to make this easy. Going to need coffee for this!_

I looked in the cupboards of the small kitchen space and found some filters and put some water on to heat.

Sarah made a snappy sarcastic comment and I really knew talking to her wasn't going to be easy.

"Just making coffee, do you want one?"

"No thank you, I don't like filtered coffee. Too bitter. But you help yourself while I shower." She stormed off to the bathroom and I couldn't help thinking of doing as she suggested and helping myself to her in the shower._ Damn it, stop thinking with your dick, she's hurting. _

I sat with my coffee and thought about how I was going to make it through what ever time I have with Sarah and not want to take her to bed. _Just control yourself. Don't think about her as anything but a woman who is upset right now. _ That went right out of the window when Sarah opened the bathroom door and stepped out in her towel. _Fuck me. _I felt a stirring and I knew if I stood up, Sarah would see whet she did to me and probably throw me out. I asked if she forgot her clothes.

"I just have other things to think about and I wasn't expecting company."

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, but had no intention of going even if she wanted me to.

"No. It's OK. You drink your coffee and I'll go get dressed." She walked past and I turned to look, I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but look at her long, slightly tanned legs. I looked at her ass and realized how long her hair was. I had never seen her hair down and it was almost down to her waist. _I wonder where her tattoo is?_

While Sarah was getting dressed, I had to calm the thoughts in my head. I really wanted to walk in the bedroom and make her feel better for an hour. Or two. I wanted to feel her under me, but I also wanted to know her. How she thinks, how she feels. Everything.

Sarah came and sat back down on a couch opposite me and I could see her eyes darting around, looking for something to do. Her face was pale and she looked tired. "Are you OK, sweetheart?" Sarah shot a look at me and asked how many pet names I have for her.

On instinct, I went over to sit next to her, she moved up slightly to let me fit in. I asked why she didn't like being called sweetheart, and she scowled at me.

"Because I'm not a budgie. I already have a name, so I don't really need to be addressed any other way." _She's a tough one!_ Truth was, I didn't want to call her Sarah because I didn't want her thinking that I had Sara in my thoughts. To be even more truthful, she's the only Sarah that I've... no...she's the only woman I have thought about. _Just get her to talk..._

I stretched my arm over the back of the couch, ready to be there if she needed comforting and I asked about the little boy.

"Christopher is a great kid. He's eight and he loves drawing and reading, we sit for hours sometimes doing those stupid little stories where he would write a line, fold the paper over and then I would write a line. The stuff we used to end up with! When he was five he was diagnosed with leukemia and it would be a battle trying to find a bone marrow donor then he'd go into remission, only for it to come back. Time and time again.

The surgeries and procedures he's had to endure... I tell you, he is the bravest person I have ever met. But this time there is no bone marrow, there is no treatment. He's going to lose this time and he doesn't have long. I can't get a flight from here til six thirty, I just hope he can hold on."

_Poor little kid. _As a father, I couldn't imagine seeing one of my kids go through anything like that. Sarah seemed very robotic as she told me about the boy, almost cold. But I did notice she didn't say he was going to die, like she couldn't bring herself to say the word.

"You want to talk about it?" I hoped she would show me she trusted me enough to open up just a little, but all she said was that she was tired and didn't want to talk. _She does look tired._

I tried to pull her into me and suggest she go to sleep for a while, and she looked horrified that I would suggest such a thing. I did want to feel her against me, but I also wanted her to relax and to start to trust me a little.

Sarah was pacing up and down like a caged tiger, saying she doesn't cuddle and she sleeps alone.

I got up and was going to try to calm her down, when she stopped and looked at me, puzzled.

"You're not as big as you should be." Sarah looked down and back up again and I couldn't hold the fits of laughter back. _Of all the fucking things to say to a guy! _ I knew she was talking about my height and nothing else and was so tempted to go with the overtones of what she said, but this wasn't the time.

"I'm only billed as six feet ten and a half! I'm actually six eight." I saw Sarah blush and I knew what she was thinking! "You thinking something about two and a half inches, sweetheart?" She didn't deny it, but she did turn the questioning to me.

"Why are you here?"

"I just want to get to know you a bit better, is all." I sat down and invited her to sit with me, hoping she would show some kind of willingness to allow me to see who she is underneath the walls and the bravado.

To my surprise, she did sit next to me, but right on the edge, not leaning back or relaxing one bit.

"What's to tell? We already talked about my interests and work the last time we met." _The last time we met..I wished I kissed her. I wished I asked her to stay._

"Yeah, but I want more." I really did want more from her. I wanted it all from her. Sarah looked into my eyes and I was so sure she leaned it, just a little bit. _Don't kiss her...Stop thinking about her lips on yours._ I had to come up with something to stop myself from doing what I knew she didn't need right now.

We talked about birthdays and she brought up the fact there was almost twenty years between us, and if I ever dare admit to myself that I was starting to feel things for her, then the age difference may be a problem.

"Does that bother you? Is my being older a problem?" I don't even know why I asked.

"Why do you ask?" _Oh, fuck it. Just see how she reacts._

I said I asked in case I ever asked her to dinner. I didn't technically ask her on a date, but I can't deny that's what I would do the next time I see her.

Sarah, once again, completely deflected what I had said and talked about food. No mention of a date and no mention of me or my age, but she did seem to be relaxing a bit more.

This was not going to put her at ease in the slightest, but I had to know. I asked why she didn't cuddle. I knew it was because she had intimacy issues and I was dying to know how she would react. But I had an inkling that she perhaps just didn't know what it was like to be with a man. Sarah looked like she had been backed into a corner and really struggled to say something. "Come on, sweetheart. It can't be that hard to answer. Is it because you don't like men?" Again, Sarah looked shocked with my line of questioning and still didn't say anything that made any sense, but she tried to completely change subject and I couldn't fathom why she was so unwilling to talk.

We didn't speak for a few minutes and I was now convinced she hadn't had a man in her bed. _But she doesn't like men. Is she into women?_ As much as I liked the pictures in my head of Sarah and another woman, I had to be sure, so I could put an end to felling what ever it is that I'm feeling for her. _Just ask..._

"Do you know what it's like to cuddle in bed?" I thought that was more tactful than asking if she was a virgin, and I wouldn't sound like such a pig.

Sarah didn't answer, but this time I don't think it was because she was deflecting. She was sat forward, wringing her hands that were resting on her knees and she looked lost in thought. "Sarah..." I squeezed her shoulder and she looked at me. _Where was you just then?_

"Sorry, did you say something?" Sarah looked like she was back on planet Earth now.

"I asked if you knew what it's like to cuddle in bed." It was difficult enough to ask the first time, but now I had her undivided attention, it seemed harder this time.

Her eyes widened and told me not to ask. She went to stand, and I knew I would have to do something drastic to stop her running away from this and from me. I held her arm and sat her back down. She got the same look on her face that Sara used to get when she wanted to punch me. _She is a virgin._

"Look at me, sweetheart." She turned her head away from me in defiance so I took hold of her chin and turned her to face me. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable with this, but Stewie said you don't like men and you're getting me curious now. Are you..." I was stuck. I couldn't say virgin and I couldn't say lesbian. _How should I put this? _"...Are you gay?" I thought she was going to take offense or start hollering at me, but she didn't. She actually looked amused, then she burst into a fit of laughter. A full on throw your head back fit of laughter. _What's so funny?_

We argued and teased each other about our national sports and I liked to see her relax and have fun. And I really liked the way her mouth curled up at the corner when she goaded me into arguing back. _I want to feel those lips on me.._ I knew tonight wasn't the time and I did plan on asking her if I could see her again, but I still had to know if the next time would be as friends or something more.

"I know it was funny to you, but you didn't answer." Sarah asked what I was talking about, but I could see she knew. I asked if she was gay and she pursed her lips to stop herself from laughing.

"No Mark, I'm not a lesbian." Sarah smiled and she still looked amused.

I fell back into the couch and felt relieved that I could take things further with her when the time was right. I asked if she didn't like men because she has had her heartbroken, and she replied that she has never been in love and that it was more because she doesn't trust very easily.

"What makes it hard to trust?" _I bet she's been cheated on, just like me._

"I have had boyfriends, never anything serious but when it gets to that stage, that's when I find out they only saw me as Stevie Delgado's daughter and I was some sort of trophy. I just get fed up of drunken losers leering at me because they know who my dad was, so I just don't bother any more. If a man tells me he loves me, I feel sick. No one takes those words seriously anymore and it's said because they are after sex and think it's the way to get a woman into bed." _Bastards. How can any guy not want to be with her, regardless of who her dad was?_ I asked if she thought all man were like that, but she just fobbed me off with how she's too busy to think about dating. _Would she be too busy for me?_

I was about to ask if I could see her again and then ask if I could take her to dinner, and not to just share a meal, when there was a knock on her door and I heard Stewie calling out.

Sarah looked relieved to get out of the discussion and went to answer the door. Stewie barged in and looked at me, asking if he was disturbing anything, and looked slightly disappointed that he wasn't.

"No, you're not disturbing anything because I can't find my handcuffs, but the hooker is bringing some."

I almost choked on my coffee and Stewie looked as shocked as I was at Sarah's remark. He pulled Sarah's arm and dragged her to the bedroom to talk.

They were in there about ten minutes when I heard Sarah shout that she was pissed at him and she came to open the door to, I assume, kick him out.

I wondered whether or not to intervene as they argued about Sarah's unwillingness to talk or to seek comfort and I could see her ready to blow. I decided to keep out of it as Sarah's fists were clenched by her side, ready to knock the little guy on his ass. But then Stewie said something and she calmed. The color drained from her face and she hugged him. From what I saw earlier, she didn't even hug her own brother, so this was a bit surprising.

They joked a bit and then said their goodbyes. Sarah closed the door behind Stewie and rested her head against it. I saw her shoulders slump and it looked like she was either relieved that he had gone, or she was upset.

I stood behind her and she jumped slightly as I put my hand on her waist. As she turned around to face me, her beautiful deep blue eyes sparkled with tears I could see she was fighting back. I couldn't get over how beautiful she looked and I had to stop myself from kissing her, because I knew she was upset and if I were to kiss her, she would either slap me or do as her brother said and hate me for it later. I asked if she wanted to talk and she stepped in towards me, I thought she was going to hug me, but her expression changed dramatically and she said she didn't want to talk.

Her hands made their way up to my chest, exploring, just like she did the first time we met. _God, please give me the strength to say no to this.._ Sarah stood on her tiptoes and she was so close to me, I only had to lower my head a little to kiss her, but I couldn't take advantage of her emotional state like this. _If she kisses me..._ I was already aroused, but if I felt her lips against mine it would take all the strength I have not to tear her clothes off.

"Sweetheart..." Before I could tell her we shouldn't do this, she kissed me so softly and so cursorily, giving me a taste of what was to come, that I had to taste her deeper. _Don't fucking do this to me..._ I pushed her against the door, trying to warn her she was playing with fire, a fire she had started, but she didn't flinch. In fact, she seemed to like it. I told her we shouldn't do this, but she just let it wash over her. I felt her skin and realized I had my hand under her sweater, stroking the soft skin of her waist.

Sarah looked at me so seductively and pointed out, rightly so, that I didn't have much conviction in my plea that we stop. Her nails lightly scratched at my chest and it turned me on so much. I could picture her scratching down my back as I lay on top of her and made her scream and I got so hard wanting that thought to become reality. I held my hand behind her neck, knowing all I had to do was pull her into to me just a few inches and I could kiss her so deeply, that I would lose myself to her. _What is she doing to me? _

I suddenly felt her hands on my bare chest and realized she had unbuttoned my shirt almost all the way.

"You need to stop this..." She quickly kissed me again and licked her lips. _I want to feel that tongue all over me.._I couldn't control the urge to taste her and kissed her neck, a soft moan escaped her lips and I fucking loved the sound of it. I grabbed her ass and her leg almost wrapped it's self around my waist. I couldn't stop what was happening, she felt so fucking amazing against me, my cock pressed right where I needed to be and I really didn't care that I was taking this too far.

Sarah's hands descended from my chest to my stomach, she began to work my belt and I had to stop this before she touched me because there would be no coming back from it if she did. _But I want her to.. I want to fuck her all night...I've got to stop this..._ I forced myself to step away and it was torture to do so.

Sarah looked astounded that I had stopped this and she looked a bit pissed off when I told her we shouldn't take things further.

"I thought you wanted this. Isn't this why you're here?" _Oh fuck. Now she thinks I'm not attracted to her._ I went to sit on the couch, which was an uncomfortable task given my present physical state, and tried to explain that I did want to be with her but I couldn't let her do this to herself.

"Come here, sweetheart." I offered my hand to her, to get her to sit down and just stop being so uneasy. To my surprise, she gave in and took my hand, I meant to pull her down to the seat next to me, but she ended up on my lap and it really didn't help the blood flow get back to my brain!

I tried to explain the best I could why she shouldn't look for solace in me and that I was trying to be a gentleman and not take advantage of her fragile state.

"You're a gentleman?" Sarah's mouth opened in shock and then she started to giggle.

"Hell yeah, I'm a gentleman! I gave you the best seat in the house, didn't I?" I bounced her on my legs and she giggled more.

"This isn't the most comfortable of seating, so you will have to come up with something else to prove your reputation as an honorable gentleman!" _I could show you how I'm not a gentleman.._

"I'm a bit too tried to think of something right now, but I'll prove it one day! I'll get another coffee to help me think." I had to move, Sarah was slipping further back and was in danger of sitting her sexy ass right where she shouldn't.

I came back from the bathroom and made another coffee as Sarah stretched herself out on the couch.

"Mind if I squeeze on, sweetheart?" Sarah brought her legs up so she lay in the fetal position, her head resting on a cushion on the arm of the couch. I sat down and suggested she get some sleep but she refused.

"Do you want me to go and see if they have tea here?" I noticed there was a kettle and milk, but no sugar or teabags.

"A cuppa would be lovely." She started to get up but I sat her back down.

"I'll make it. How do you take it?"

"I like it quite strong with a little bit of milk and one sugar. Thank you Mark." _I love the way she says my name. _I picked up her key card and made my way down to the first floor.

I got a few tea bags from the hotel desk and I came back in Sarah's room to find her asleep on the couch. _I'll leave her for a while._ I found a blanket to cover her over in the wardrobe of her bedroom and I admit, I was tempted to snoop around!

_Should I ask her on a date? Do I really feel that way about her?_

I made a drink and sat on the coffee table and looked at her while she slept. She looked so peaceful, like she didn't have the world on her shoulders. I brushed a strand of her hair away from her face and kissed her cheek, she smiled slightly and snuggled further into the cushion. _She's beautiful. _Looking at her sleeping made me feel something stronger than what ever I had felt for her before. This was beyond wanting to take her to bed. This was wanting to fall asleep with her and this was wanting to wake up with her beside me. Everyday. _I do feel this way. But can I trust her? _After what Sara did, I didn't think I could trust any one ever again.

I sat for about half an hour trying to think of how to ask if she would be open to seeing how things go between us, but I couldn't come up with one single way to ask if I can trust her without it resulting in her giving me a black eye. She looked well groomed and very lady like, but I could tell that she knew how to fight! _Write it!_

I got a pad of note paper from the little table next to the couch and wrote a note for her to read, trying to get across that I definitely do want to see her again. I scribbled my cell number on it and placed it in an envelope. _Where can I put it? _ I didn't want her to read it straight away because she had a lot to deal with when she got back home, so I decided the best place would be right at the bottom of her purse. _She'll probably find that straight away! _

It was getting on for five and I knew I had to wake her, even though I didn't want to, but she had to go and catch her flight soon.

"Sarah..." I rocked her arm and she didn't even stir. _She must be exhausted..._ "Sarah, it's time to wake up." Still nothing. "Wake up sweetheart." She began to open her eyes and sat straight up, not knowing what was going on!

I told her I had made a cup of tea and she took it in both hands and looked longingly into the cup. I knew that feeling. I couldn't do a thing until I had my morning cup of coffee! "This is just the right temperature!" She took a sip and then scrunched her face up. "You put milk in first, didn't you?" _So?_

"Yeah. I am an American you know, we don't drink tea!" _Lets see what she says to this... _"I promise I will remember for next time though!"

"Next time?" Sarah looked unsure of what I was trying to say, but she didn't look displeased at the possibility of there being a next time. I wanted her to see that I wanted to see her again, and not just for sex.

"Yeah, next time." I took her hand and hoped she knew I was being serious about this. "I know I have been behaving like a bit of a jerk, but please trust me when I say that I want to see you again and I want to be friends." I figured friends is what she would want right now and not somebody trying to get her into bed. She didn't say anything and got up to start packing. _Did she just brush me off?_

Sarah got her things packed and stood by the door, double checking the suite. I took her suitcase and asked if she needed driving to the airport. She looked at my watch and said she had a cab coming in ten minutes. _I only have ten minutes? _

We took the elevator and we didn't speak until we got to the hotel lobby and waited for her cab. I didn't want her to go, I wanted to ask her to stay. To stay with me. The sun was coming up and the sky was a burnt orange color and it made me smile. "I got to spend the night with you after all!"

"Yeah, well don't be bragging to your friends, or I'll have to tell them you couldn't get it right!" _What? _I saw the little cheeky smile on her face and realized she was joking.

"And what exactly couldn't I get right?" I nudged her with my elbow and she winked at me.

"Tea. It wasn't strong enough!" She giggled and then saw her cab arrive.

For a brief moment, I thought Sarah was just going to get in the cab and tell the driver to go, but she wasn't getting away this time. Not until I knew I was going to see her again.

"I want to ask a favour of you, and I really want you to say 'yes' to it." Sarah looked puzzled but asked me what it was. "Promise you will call me and promise me I will see you again." _She's smiling. Good start!_

"That's two favors! But seen as though I'm a generous person, I'll think about it!" She followed with a wink and it made me feel confident that I would see her again.

She got in the cab and then said she didn't have my number. "Yes you do sweetheart, you just have to look for it! Have a safe flight and I hope you will be OK. I'll see you soon." I closed the cab door and tapped the roof, letting the driver know he could pull away. I had to, or else if I had to look at her any longer, I would have asked her to stay. I didn't get to sleep with her, or even kiss her, but something was gained from our night together and that was knowledge. I felt I knew her a little better, and the more I knew, the more I wanted to know.

I spent a little bit of time with Stewie on the Sunday after the show and he said Sarah would definitely call, but it's now Wednesday afternoon and I still hadn't heard anything from her. I wondered if she had found the note or if she was ignoring it. Time will tell.


	15. One Door Opens

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

**One Door Opens...**

It had been just over two weeks since I had found Marks note and I still hadn't called. Not because I didn't have time, or because I thought he may be busy. It was because I simply didn't know what to say. I have had time to reflect on our last encounter and I felt embarrassed about how I behaved. Mark tried to tell me that we shouldn't sleep together, but I kept pushing and I still feel ashamed at how I almost threw myself at him.

My time had been taken up with the club openings across the country and every thing was going well so far, I was about ready to take the club global. I had found plenty to keep me occupied and I finally got around to buying a car, then I had a weekend away with a few friends after Christopher's funeral and had even got myself a new short haircut and a new tattoo!

But no matter how I tried to fill my time, I couldn't stop thinking about Mark. I tried to convince myself that I couldn't possibly feel anything for him after spending no more than 10 hours in total with him, but something didn't satisfy my reasoning.

I sat in my library looking blankly at a book I didn't remember picking up before I looked at Mark's note for the seven hundredth time and I still didn't know what to make of it. He said he wanted me but he pushed me away, then he writes this and asks to see me again. Did that mean he wants to be just friends, like he said we were? I know his divorce must be tough on him and maybe that's why he is a bit apprehensive, but I still didn't know what he was trying to tell me. _I could call him today... _Tuesday was the one day of the week where I can get some piece and quiet, so I had some time today to think it through properly.

"You will wear the ink away if you look at that one more time." Stewie appeared out of no where and handed me a cuppa.

I quickly put Mark's note in my pocket in a vain attempt that Stewie would un-see me reading it. "Thanks for the tea." I took a sip and it was just how I liked it.

"You need to call him. He's been asking why you haven't." _He's what?_ "Shit. I wasn't supposed to say that." Stewie knew he had to spill the beans now and I just stared at him in disbelief as he told me that he and Mark had sent the odd text to each other and Mark had asked if I found the note and if I was going to call him. "He even asked if you would be at home when he comes to London and if I thought you would want to see him."

I felt bad that he wondered why I hadn't called and I felt bad that he thought I may not want to see him again, but I did feel more than a little bit good that he was asking about me.

"You're off in your own head again. Aren't you?"

"Sorry. Just thinking about if I should call him of not. I don't want him to get the idea I'm interested in him." Stewie knelt down next to me and asked if I was lying. I was, but I was obviously getting better at it.

"Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and I did like spending time with him, but I just don't think of him as something more than a friend."

"But I thought you wanted to fuck him." Stewie was direct, as always.

"Maybe before, but I just don't feel attracted to him." I knew I was lying and I should have been honest, but I don't want to admit that Mark was under my skin. I refuse to let someone get close to me. Now more than ever. I only end up losing those I care about and I wasn't going to go through it again. I loved Christopher dearly and now he won't be around, it made me think about all of those I have lost. All I seem to find is death and loss.

"I don't know what to say, babes. I thought you liked him." Stewie looked a little deflated and then he had a look on his face that told me I wouldn't like what was coming next. "I sort of told him that you probably wouldn't mind him staying with you when he's in London." _What?_

"You fucking did what?" I stood up and spilled my tea everywhere.

"Fuck me, you swore! Sorry, babes, I really am, I just thought to two of you needed a little push in the right direction." Stewie ran off and I slumped back in my seat not knowing what to think, as my brain had flat lined.

_Thursday night...Will Mark be home?_ I had worked out the time difference, but I couldn't figure out if today was one of the two days he said he spent at home. I stared at Mark's number for about half an hour before giving up and getting a bath. _I'll call tomorrow._

The conflict was still raging in me after I had a long soak. I did want to see him again, and I enjoyed our time together, but I didn't want to feel anything for him and spending time with him would make it more difficult to ignore the fact that he is making me think and feel things I vowed I would never feel.

I sat on my bed and had worked out that if Mark did come stay with me, it probably wouldn't be that bad. Depending on what time he arrived, he would unpack and get settled in then he would be out doing publicity stuff, then maybe come back for some dinner before heading off to the arena. Then it would be back to change his clothes to go out for a drink. Probably crawl in at two or three in the morning then be up early and on to the next place. _I would hardly see him. No fuss, no mess._

I decided to be brave and I picked up my phone and called Mark. It rang a few times and considered hanging up when Mark answered. My mouth went dry and I couldn't even think to say hello! _Come on, idiot. Speak! _

'Mark. It's Sarah. Sorry I didn't call.' _That about covers it, can I go now? _Mark said it was OK and assumed I was too busy.

We chatted for a while about what we had been up to and then it was time to bring up seeing him.

'Do you think you will be busy in late April? The show is doing the Wrestle Mania Revenge tour over there and I would like to see you.'

'I'll make some time. You staying with me?' _Why the bloody hell did I say that?_

'Is that a question or a statement, darlin'?' _So it's back to darling again! _Didn't mind, though, it's quite sexy the way he says it! I wanted him to stay, but I needed to keep my distance from him. 'If you don't want me around, darlin' all you have to do is say and I'll get a hotel.'

'You can stay here, it's fine.' _Me and my mouth_. _I'll just have to deal with consequences later._ 'Just let me know the dates as soon as you can so I can clear my calendar.'

'Are you OK? You don't seem happy about this.'

'I'm fine. Just tired, I've had wall to wall meetings since eight and I didn't get back while after seven tonight. It's almost midnight here, so I'm ready for bed.' I was tired, but there was more to it. Ever since Mark picked up the phone, my heart had been pounding in my chest and I found myself smiling idiotically every time he spoke.

'I'm just sitting down to dinner and then watching a football game.'

'You mean soft American rugby?' I laughed and Mark made a comment about soccer, knowing I hated that term. 'It's football because they use their feet to play ball. Hence football! You guys carry the ball for half a yard and have a time out! Lazy gits!'

'Now hold on there, darlin', you don't want to be gettin' me all upset here or else I won't get a surprise for you when I visit.' _A surprise? I like surprises!_

'Now I am curious! It will keep me awake thinking about it and if I'm tired tomorrow, I'm going to tell you off!'

'You going to call again tomorrow?'

'Do you want me to?' It was a really lame response and I cringed at myself for saying it, but I couldn't come up with a 'get out' that quickly!

'Ain't that just like a woman! But I told you I was a gentleman, so I'll save you're pride and say you can call me when ever you feel like darlin'!'

'That's being a gentleman? You need to read up on what it really means! Enjoy your dinner and I'll call you...when ever I feel like!' Mark chuckled at me and we said our goodbye's.

That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I didn't feel nervous or struggled for things to talk about. It went well! But now as I lay in bed, I wanted to hear his voice again. I wanted to see his face again. I wanted to feel him against me again.

I turned off my light and wondered whether or not I should take things further with Mark. I was attracted to him -unbelievably attracted to him - and it may be a good thing to forget my one night rule and sleep with him just to get him out of my mind.

I wanted to call him back and ask what he wanted from me, but the best course of action was to just see how things play out before he comes here. It had been good to hear his voice again and that was enough for now.

The one bad thing about the phone call was that I ached for Mark more than I ever have, and I couldn't fight it for much longer. So many nights I have tried to think about something or someone else, but it always came back to Mark. It always came back to wanting his hands all over my body and the thoughts got so strong and vivid, that I always gave into it.

_Maybe I should go for it with Mark..._

I must have only been asleep for an hour or so when I was woken by my mobile phone sounding out. _Leave me alone! _I looked at the screen and saw a text message from Mark. I hadn't even read it and I was already grinning idiotically!

'It was nice to hear your voice, but don't leave it so long before I hear it again! Can't wait to see you. Sweet dreams x' _Can't wait to see you too..._


	16. Decisions

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

**What to do...**

I hadn't heard anything from Sarah and it had been two weeks. I even went so far as to text Stewie to see if she had found my note, he said she had and was a bit vague on why she hadn't called.

He eventually let me know that Sarah was a bit busy, but if I wanted to spend time with her when I come to Britain, then she probably wouldn't mind me staying at her house. I liked the idea of seeing her home and how she spent her time off.

I was driving back from a 'Smackdown' taping and I got a message on my cell, so I pulled over to read it.

'I thought you were going out with us? Maybe next time!'

I had been invited out to a club with a few of the others on the roster, but I really didn't feel like going. I was a bit passed nightclubs, and Glenn had gone to a local pool hall so I was going to join him there.

I got back to the hotel and changed. My cell sounded again and it was Sara, she sent me a picture of Chasey asleep and Gracie was asleep next to her with her arm over Chasey's face. I smiled thinking about how close they were for sisters, aside from the odd little screaming fight over dolly's they were the best of friends. I really miss them.

I won the third game in a row and Glenn tried to wimp out of the fourth game of pool.

"My shoulder has been playing me up. I think I'll sit this one out."

"Don't be such a pussy! I'll play with one hand if it makes it better."

Glenn started laughing "If you play with two hands, then you do something different to me!" I got what he was talking about and laughed too.

"Still doesn't change the fact you know you are out of your league!"

Glenn laughed and took a swig of beer "Speaking of out of your league...have you heard from Sarah Delgado yet?"

That killed my mood completely. Since the separation from Sara I had slept with a lot of attractive women, and even though Glenn was joking, he was right. Sarah was out of my league and I was probably kidding myself that she would want to be with me. I used to think there was something between us, some spark, but maybe I just wanted to see what wasn't really there.

"No." What else could I say? I couldn't tell him she hadn't called because she was busy, or because she was on vacation because those weren't the reasons. I couldn't tell him or myself that probably the real reason she hadn't called because she didn't want to.

"I'm sure she will. Just give it more time." _It's already been two weeks. How much time does she need?_

I went to the restroom and then to the bar for a couple more beers, when things got worse. I got a text message from Stewie, saying he had just spoken to Sarah and she told him she doesn't think of me as anything other than a friend. _That's that then. Only one thing for it. _I sent a text to say I was going to meet up out side of the club and I'd have a cab waiting.

"Here." I passed Glenn a bottle then I drank mine in one go. "I'm off to get a cab, I'm going to go meet up with someone."

"What's gotten into you? You have a face like a fucking smacked ass." Glenn motioned for me to pull up a stool and talk about it, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to deal with being pissed the only way I knew how.

"I've gotta go. I'm meeting Michelle."

Glenn's eyes widened and looked a bit dubious. "As in McCool? What are you doing?"

"I'm staying in my own league." I put my beer bottle down and headed outside to flag down a cab.

I woke up on Wednesday morning and Michelle was already up, so I couldn't do my usual disappearing act.

"You want to go get some breakfast?" She zipped up her jacket and looked like she was going out for a run.

"Maybe later." I buried my head under the pillow and wanted to go back to sleep.

"You are grumpy in the morning! I'll bring you back some coffee and see if that cheers you up." Michelle left and I just wanted to get out of here.

When I first met Michelle, I wanted to bed her, but I was married and I had to keep my distance but since leaving Sara, she had made her intentions clear and last night I made mine clear too.

I spent the rest of the morning with Michelle, we took a shower together and then we went for breakfast. I got the impression she thought this was the start of something, but I didn't want to go down that path. Not with her, anyway. I liked her enough, she was nice and she was attractive, but she wasn't Sarah.

"You seem distracted. Everything OK?" Michelle reached across the table and put her hand on mine. _Why don't I give this a go?_ Michelle was great and funny and smart, so why should I waste my time on something that isn't going to happen with Sarah?

"Yeah, everything is fine. I was just wondering what you are doing today and tomorrow?"

"Nothing. Just driving back home. Why do you ask?"

"You wanna come stay with me for a couple of days?" I asked because I would get to know her better and see where to take things from there.

Michelle had made herself right at home and I was very grateful to have more than one bathroom at the ranch, because she took a fucking lifetime to get ready in the mornings.

"I'm ready now so are we going shopping?" I promised last night I would take her into town today and she could pick herself some clothes out, as I dropped staying with me on her at the last minute and didn't have a lot of things with her. _Why did I open my mouth? I fucking hate shopping._

"Sure thing, you want to eat out tonight?"

"Why don't I cook?" Michelle looked happy at the idea of cooking for me, so I said we would swing by the grocery store on the way back.

"I hope you like shopping! I have never spent any time in Houston, so I want to go everywhere!" _Oh fuck, she better not mean that._

I was sat in the lounge while Michelle busied herself in the kitchen. I was fucking exhausted and I had drank three beers since getting back to calm myself. Michelle wasn't kidding about wanting to see everywhere.

There was nothing on the TV set and I was hungry.

"I'm gonna take a shower, will dinner be long?" I called through to the kitchen and Michelle said it would be ready in twenty minutes.

I stood up to go upstairs when my cell phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID and didn't recognize the long and unusual number.

'Hello?' I couldn't hear anything. 'Hello? Is anyone there?' _This better not be a fucking prank call. _I said hello one more time and was about to hang up, when the caller spoke and it made me need to sit back down.

'Mark. It's Sarah. Sorry I didn't call.' _And she calls me now, when Michelle is cooking my dinner?_

'That's OK, I hear you have been busy, so I assumed you would call when you had time. You been alright?' I could hear in her voice that she had something on her mind and put it down to the little boy who died.

'Yeah, everything is good here. I'm turning into a proper business woman! How have you been?'

We small talked and I couldn't stop thinking about the text Stewie had sent me about Sarah just wanting to be friends. _What if she was covering up? _I had seen her do it lots of times. If she was upset, she would say she was fine and then she would change subject. _What if she doesn't know what she wants?_

I brought up coming to see her in April and she said she would make time for me. '….You staying with me?' I didn't know if she was asking or telling, so I asked and she didn't answer. I could almost hear her thinking!

'You can stay here, it's fine. Just let me know the dates as soon as you can so I can clear my calendar.'

After arguing with each other about sports again, and telling Sarah she could call me when ever she liked, Michelle came into the sitting room and I didn't know how to react. For the time I was talking to Sarah, I forgot Michelle was here. _What does that tell me?_ I put my hand up to tell Michelle not to say anything. _How would Sarah react to her being here?_

'You get plenty of rest for running your business empire, and I'll speak to you soon. Goodnight.'

'Goodnight, Mark.' _I fucking love the way she says my name._ I hung up and immediately Michelle asked who I was speaking to.

"Just a friend from Britain. That reminds me. I need to call Will and tell him I'm not here this weekend." I dialed Will's number and Michelle went back to the kitchen. _Sarah has the right idea about this changing subject thing!_

We were half way through dinner and I hardly touched it. I couldn't stop thinking about Sarah. Hearing her voice again made me think about what I want to do when I see her next month. _I could see how things go with Michelle and be OK with just being friends with Sarah. Or I could tell Michelle this is just about sex and nothing more and try to see how things go with Sarah._ I was stuck. I hadn't had a problem with telling a woman that it was sex and nothing else, but I had never invited a woman to stay with me either.

"Are you OK, Mark?" Michelle looked at me and I could see that I probably could be happy with her, maybe not as happy as I would with Sarah, but at least Michelle lives in the same country!

"I'm fine, darlin'. Just got a few things on my mind is all." I went back to trying to eat my dinner. It was nice and Michelle was a good cook, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. Michelle came over to me and sat on my lap.

"Why don't I make you feel better?" She kissed me and I kissed back. I fucked her right there on the kitchen floor while I thought of Sarah.

Michelle was clearing the table and I went outside to feed my dog when I sent Sarah a text. I knew she was probably already asleep, but I still wanted to say something to her, just to get her to respond either now or when she woke tomorrow.

I felt bad that I was thinking of Sarah when I was with Michelle, but since speaking to her on the phone, I couldn't get her out of my head. _Funny...If she hadn't called, I would be thinking about seriously dating Michelle! _It's funny how life works out.

Michelle was sound asleep and I was restless. I got out of bed and sat outside with a pack of smokes and a coffee. I was torn between two women and I couldn't figure out what the right thing to do would be. On one hand, I had Michelle, who was nice and we got on well. She knows what life is like traveling all over and I wouldn't have to spend that much time apart from her. Then there was the fact she used to be a teacher, so she would be great with my girls. I felt attracted to Michelle and the sex is good. Michelle was the right choice.

But then there is Sarah. She doesn't talk, she doesn't give anything away and she lives in a completely different country. _But her smile...her laugh...her lips..._ I thought about all the things she makes me feel that Michelle doesn't and the list was quite long, but no matter how I feel when I'm around her, she told me she wants to be friends.

After a couple of hours, I had made my decision.


	17. And Slams Shut

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

…**.And Slams Shut.**

I went and did the shopping after speaking to Mark about what he likes to eat, but I would have to go back when he gets here, as some of the fruit and veg wouldn't keep for two days. I was feeling like a teenage girl going on her first date. The butterflies in my stomach was like a countdown clock. The closer the day was to Mark arriving, the more thunderous my butterflies got.

I was sat in the bath when Stewie knocked on the door. _I knew I would regret letting him keep his front door key..._

"Hey babes? Do you want to meet Alex for lunch?"

"Alex is in Hong Kong remember! And I'm going out tonight."

"Fuck off! Since when?" _He is such an idiot! _This was classic Stewie!

"Alex called you yesterday to tell you to feed his cat right after I told you that it's Elle's birthday. How the Hell do you remember to get dressed in a morning?"

"Oh. I've got to go make a call. You want a cuppa?" I said I did, and laughed to myself that he would probably forget to boil the kettle because he was sneaking off to feed Alex's cat!

I had some dinner with Stewie before he helped me in my room with make up advice. Every woman needs a gay best friend!

I had promised myself all day that I wouldn't think about Mark and about him coming here tomorrow night, but I failed miserably. I was more nervous now than ever and I was more confused than ever too. Things weren't so simple any more. At first I would have been happy just having sex with him, get him out out my mind once and for all, but now that we had spoken almost every day it was difficult not to want more than just sex. I kept telling myself it's because Mark told me in the hotel room in Baltimore that he wanted us to be friends so it was just a case of psychology. I want what I can't have. _And god, do I want him!_

"Hello in there! I asked if you mind me borrowing a book?" _I forgot he was here!_ He sat in my room, giving me advice on make up and I still hadn't seen a cup of tea!

"You want a book?" I was a bit surprised, as the only thing Stewie ever read was the cooking instructions on a bag of rice.

"Yeah. I figure since you are trusting me to work in your club, then maybe I should read up on business management and...stuff." _Stuff? He really knows what he's talking about!_ "Actually, while you are out tonight, can I stay here and just study in your library?" _What is he up to?_ I looked at him and I could see a little mischievous sparkle in his eye, but for the past few weeks he had been trying to get to know the ropes of book keeping and purchase orders and so on. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Sure you can. I'm really proud of you for taking this seriously."

"All fucking right, don't get all weepy on me I just want to borrow a fucking book, I didn't tell you I was pregnant!" Stewie got off my bed and started looking through my wardrobe. "You're definitely not going to your club are you? Because you will only get asked to look at some paperwork...ooh...you should wear this!"

I turned to see what he had suggested and I had to laugh.

"That's a nighty!" He picked out a purple chemise with a lace trim at the hem. "Besides, I have what I'm wearing already on." I always keep my bathrobe on top of my clothes when getting ready to go out that way, I don't get make up all over. "And I am definitely steering clear of the club. Last time I went in on a night out, I ended up working behind the bar for an hour!"

"Good. You should enjoy yourself tonight. So what are you wearing?"

I decided on my black fitted shirt with a red tartan tie, red tartan mini skirt and knee hight black socks. I put my black patent leather high heel shoes on and I thought I was ready, but Stewie decided to give me styling tips.

"You should complete the look with pig tails! Ooh...and you should unbutton your shirt. Just leave it buttoned where you need covering up!" He pointed to my chest and I was a bit dubious, but he did have good fashion sense. "Now loosen your tie...and you're done! Very sexy!"

"I'll blame you if I get hit on!" I tied my hair into pig tails that fell down my shoulders, rather than the school girl type, because something about that just creeps me out!

"So are you going to be hungover when Mark gets here?" _Mark? Since when does Stewie call him Mark?_

"You been texting him again?" He tried to deny it, but he was a worse liar than I was.

"OK, maybe once or twice. Just to see if he could tell me who was going to win at Wrestle Mania! So do you still think the two of you are just friends? Or are you ready to admit it may be something more?"

I had asked myself the same thing every day since first meeting Mark. It didn't matter how much I argued with myself that to have any kind of feelings for someone I hardly knew was ridiculous, I couldn't lie to myself about the chemistry and how attracted to him I felt. _But there IS something else._

I didn't know what that 'something else' was, but I knew it was more than just simply liking the way a person looks. It was more than wanting something simply because you couldn't have it. It was deeper than just surface, it was deeper than just wanting him in my bed. The way we had been with each other over the past few weeks, even though it was just over the phone, made me feel like I could trust him. I was getting comfortable with him and I never found it hard to think of things to say. And I still grinned like an idiot every time we spoke!

"Fuck me sideways! You are lost for words again!" Stewie pulled me from my inner debate and I didn't like the way he was looking at me.

"I never said I couldn't admit anything. There is nothing to admit, so just drop the subject. And no, I won't be hungover tomorrow because I won't be drinking tonight."

I was so drunk. I couldn't see straight and I had bumped into at least half a dozen people just trying to get to the toilets before I pissed myself.

"Can you believe this place? I thought it was supposed to be good." My friend Elle, who's birthday it was, wasn't happy with my choice of venue. Stewie text me to ask where I was and if I was having fun. I can't remember what I text back!

"I was told it was good." I elbowed a little woman out of my way and she was about to say something, but decided against it.

"Can't we go to your place? I like it there." Elle gave me the worst puppy dog look I have ever seen, but I gave in anyway. She started fiddling with her short silver dress and running her fingers through her long brown hair. _I miss my hair being that long!_

"OK. But if I get roped into working, you're in the shit." I finally fought my way to a stall in the toilets and then we left.

"This is so much fucking better!" We walked into my club and the place was packed. _Good for business!_

"Come on, lets dance!" I took Elle's hand and led her to the dance floor. I wasn't really into the type of music my club played, but I liked to dance to it on a night out.

We danced for about half and hour whilst fending off the guys that were trying to dance near us and we were having such a laugh, but I needed a drink.

"You want a Bacardi? I asked Elle, who nodded.

I got our drinks and Elle joined me at the bar. I got a look from David, the bartender, that tried to tell me he needed helping out, but I couldn't be bothered!

"Tell me about this guy." Elle asked and I didn't know what she was talking about. To be honest, I have had that much to drink, I didn't know what any one was talking about! I shook my head and she asked again.

"The guy from America who's coming to see you tomorrow." _Mark._ I tried not to think about him tonight, because all I had done was think about what to say to him when he gets here. _Moment of truth...although it probably is just alcohol that's making me talk this way..._

"I have decided to go for it. If we just end up in bed, then so be it, but I do want to see how things would work between us. I like him."

Elle almost choked on her Bacardi Breezer. "You are fucking kidding? You of all people are going to let a man in your life? Well I fucking never!"

I just nodded. 'Oh La La' by Goldfrapp blasted through the speakers and I had to dance. "Come on, I love this song! Let's show 'em how it's done!"

Elle and I were dancing really close - too close! We were surrounded by men trying to see if we were going to give them a lesbian show when Elle spotted a guy she liked and had been trying to get into bed for weeks.

"I hate to do this, but Eric is over there and I want to go dance with him."

"Fine ditch the girl who has paid for your drinks all night and got you a Fendy bag!"

"You don't mind?" Elle had improved her puppy dog look and I sent her on her way. "Thanks! I'll let you know how it goes with Eric! Text tomorrow, if you're not too busy in the sack with your American!" Elle laughed and I shoved her over to Eric.

"Another one?" David asked and he was just about to pour me another Black Russian, when I told him I was going.

"Nah, I've had more than enough. I'm going to go and get some beauty sleep and...Fuck me." I looked across to the other side of the bar and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. _I think I'm having an asthma attack...Wait...I don't have asthma. _

"Excuse me? You all right?" David waved his hand in front of my face and it made me realise I was still on Earth. _Is this what Stewie was up to? Is this why he was telling me not to come to my own club? Was that today?_

"Yeah...just seen someone I didn't expect to see."

Mark was here. On a good day, it would have been confusing. But after twelve Black Russians, figuring out how Mark was here was a fucking challenge.

I started to walk over but was stopped in my tracks by a feeling that must be akin to being kicked in the stomach. I watched as a tall blonde woman, probably no older than I, whisper something to Mark. _Fuck me. Why is he here? _They spoke for a few minutes before Mark handed the new kid behind the bar his jacket and walk out the rear door to the car park. Blonde in tow. _Fuck me. No...actually...Fuck you! Fuck you Mark for making me think I could feel something for once in my life._

"David. I'll have a Cuervo Black. Make it a double."

"You want ice and lemon with that?" David poured me a high-ball glass of the black medallion tequila as I shook my head.

"Just as is. Thanks." I drank it down in one go and my head started spinning straight away. "Another." I held my glass out and David poured me another. _What the hell is Mark doing here?_ I asked myself, but I didn't like the reply. _He's outside fucking some blonde..._ I was tempted to go out there and interrupt, to tell him how wonderful it was to see him and to see if he would introduce me to his easy lay, but I'm a woman and I don't get mad...I get even.


	18. Across the Pond

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**Across the Pond.**

I fucked my shoulder up pretty bad during Wrestle Mania and I had to go to physio for a couple of weeks but it was getting better. I had time off planned anyway, but with my injury, I had a lot more time off now.

I had spoken to Sarah almost everyday and she was getting to me. The notion of us just being friends didn't satisfy me any more, I wanted it all from her but I knew it was going to be an almost impossible task to get close to her.

Now I had all this time off, I took my girls to Disney up in California and then I spent some time at home fixing the place up, but I just wanted to be with Sarah.

I spoke to Stewie one day last week about spending more time in London than planned and he suggested I just turn up early and surprise her. So now I was staying for a whole week instead of two days.

The plane was about ready to take off when I got a voice mail from Stewie.

'I have made a monumental fucking mistake. Sarah is going out tonight and I forgot and I think I may have killed Alex's cat. We'll go out tonight instead if you want. See you later.' _He is one crazy bastard!_

Stewie picked me up at the airport in a really flash car and while he drove we talked about things to do in London. "Not far now."

We turned down a little cobbled street and pulled up outside a three story house, completely walled in and I could tell that Sarah probably chose this place for it's privacy. I knew how much she valued that!

"This is it. This is where Sarah lives." Stewie pressed a fob key and the garage door opened. In there was two really nice cars. I was a motorcycle fan, but I could appreciate a nice car when I see one. The door at the back of the garage led into the kitchen, which was spacious and had big windows that looked out onto the garden. "You want a coffee?" Stewie asked, but was already getting a filter ready. I just nodded as I looked around the kitchen. It was a clash of old fashioned cabinets and decor, but with highly modern appliances. "While that gets ready, I'll show you around. Let's start upstairs, then you can put your suitcase away."

He led me through a sitting room that was, again, old fashioned but with Modern appliances. That led into a huge entrance hall with white marble floors and end tables with vases of white flowers on them that were situated either side of the central staircase.

He took me up the stairs and straight into a guest bedroom. It had huge windows with thick mid-blue velvet drapes. The carpet was the same color and the king size bed had a slightly lighter blue satin sheet covering a thick goose down duvet. At the other end of the room, there was a walk in closet, and next to that was a en-suite bathroom.

"This is your room. Sarah's is next to yours on the left, so you can creep in without getting too lost, the master bathroom is the room to your right and the room at the end is absolutely off limits." _Creep in?_

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it was Steve's room and no one is allowed in there. Sarah would have a fucking seizure." _So it's not Sarah's home?_

"OK. But I meant what do you mean about creeping?" Stewie started to laugh and just gave me a knowing nod of the head.

He left me to get settled in and I went to meet him back in the kitchen after showering and changing clothes.

"I'll call a taxi. You ready to go?" Stewie asked as he picked up the telephone hung on the kitchen wall. When Stewie picked me up he suggested we go see Sarah's club. I could do with a drink, but nightclubs are not for me, but seen as though it was Sarah's, I would like to see what's kept her working so hard.

"Yep. Just let me get my jacket." I went back upstairs and as soon as I opened the bedroom door, I realized I had walked into Sarah's room. It was a lot bigger than the room I was staying in and with it being at the back of the house, her room had a balcony. Two of the walls was a Gothic purple wallpaper with a black flower design, the other two were plain white but had pictures of what looked like galaxies and other similar stuff hung that tied the room together nicely. The bed was a four-poster with an ornate black iron design on the head and foot boards. _I like it in here. I'd like to creep in here!_

We arrived at 'Club Supernova' and the music was too loud and full of half dressed people in their twenties. I already didn't like it, but I looked past the people and the flashing lights and saw it for what it was. The ceiling was covered with video screens from edge to edge with stars and galaxies shining down, just like a planetarium, the dance floor was under lit with what looked a birds eye view of our solar system and the bar itself was black marble with a load of glitter inlaid into it. It really is a nice place to look at. So, s_he has a thing for stars?_

After about an hour, and after telling a pretty young woman that I wasn't interested, Stewie said he had text Sarah asking where she was and he showed me her reply.

'In 100 on Bond. Place is shit. Moving on but don't know where to.' That's what it looked like in English, but the actual text was full of grammar and spelling mistakes, which was not like Sarah.

"She is absolutely shit faced! She said she wasn't going to drink much, but I bet she's going to spend all night throwing up!"

I laughed and was kind of happy that she was drunk. That way she might be a bit more honest in her reaction to my being here early and she may be a bit more loose in saying what she really thinks and really feels.

"What is she like when she's drunk?" I paid for my next beer while Stewie pondered it.

"Depends really. If she's in a happy mood then she'll just spend most of the night dancing, but if she gets hit on, she can be a nasty bitch and turn you into a shell of a man. If she drinks because she's in a bad mood or upset, then she stays in the corner and doesn't talk much. But in general, she's just really funny and quite brazen." _Brazen. There's that word again._ "I'm just going to talk to that guy over there." Stewie got off the bar stool and walked over to a man in his twenties and looked eerily similar to my friend Will.

I had finished my beer and ordered another when the young blonde woman who had tried to hit on me about five times came over again.

"You wanna come home with me big fella?" She hooked her arm in mine and tried to pull me off the bar stool without much success.

"I think you should go home alone, little lady, you seem like you have had enough for tonight. Come on, I'll get you a cab." She didn't look very happy with my suggestion, and whispered in my ear that it would be better if I came home with her, but I wasn't here for this. Not this time. I told her once more that she should leave and she agreed to go home alone.

I hailed a cab for the woman and handed the cab driver £50 and told him to make sure she got in safely. I had a smoke while I was out there and thought about how I should play things with Sarah. I know she has intimacy issues and it was near on impossible to get her to say how she feels about things, but the way we spoke on the phone and in our text messages made me feel like she wouldn't be too upset if I made a move on her. We flirted back and forth for a few weeks and we never ran out of conversation and had become good friends. _But is that all she still wants?_ I lit up again and got a message from Stewie.

'Where the fuck are you? Sarah is here and she is really drunk.' _She's here?_ I threw my cigarette away and went back in.

I found Stewie and asked him where Sarah was. He pointed to the dance floor and there she was, dancing with another woman and a hoard of men surrounding them both. _Fuck, she looks hot. _I watched her for a minute and in that time she had bumped into seven people and really wasn't steady on her feet at all.

_Hot and drunk!_ That was my type of late, but I couldn't take advantage of this situation, not with Sarah and not without knowing if she just wanted to be friends.

"She can move better than that when she hasn't had a skin full! She must be in a good mood though if she's still dancing in that state!" Stewie was laughing at Sarah, but I couldn't take my eyes off her. I wasn't the only one watching her, but one guy stood out. Unlike a few men who tried to get near to the two women, this guy stood right in front of Sarah and pulled her towards him. I felt agitated but I managed to calm myself, remembering Stewie had told me that she can be a nasty bitch when she gets hit on, so I decided to stand back and watch the fireworks!

There was no fireworks, but there were certainly sparks. I got to my feet as Sarah wrapped her arms around the guy and started to dance with him.

"Fucking Hell! She must be in a really good mood, or a really bad one. She never dances with guys." Stewie was still laughing away, and I was still very agitated. I started to walk over to her, ready to knock this guy out if he lays a finger on her, but was stopped in my tracks by Sarah making the move. I watched in shock as she kissed him. The music thumped in rhythm with the pounding in my head and I felt betrayed, even though I had absolutely no claim on Sarah, it still felt like a slap in the face.

I marched over pulled the guy back by his arm, Sarah had no look of surprise or shock on her face at all. _Does she recognize me? _

"Take a walk, son." The guy Sarah kissed walked away, mumbling to himself. I faced Sarah, she looked amused with me as we stared each other down. _What the fuck is she playing at?_

"I think you've had enough fun for tonight, you should get in a cab and go home." Sarah grinned at my suggestion.

"I think you're the one who's had enough fun for tonight. You were quick though, I'm a bit disappointed!" _What?_

"What are you talking about?" My question was met with a raised eyebrow and silence. "Come on, let me take you home, I think you should drink some coffee and get some sleep."

"No Mark, you go home. You're not in the locker room now, cupcake. This is my club, so this is my fucking yard!" _She really didn't just fucking say that._ I could tell she was deliberately trying to piss me off and it was working. My blood boiled at her blatant contemptuous attitude and I yelled at her.

"Get your drunk ass outside and get in a cab right fucking now." Sarah took a step back and for the first time, she looked surprised. For a brief second, a look of fear appeared on her face but was replaced by one of amusement again. I waited for her to either slap me or to walk away, but neither happened. Instead a sexy smirk spread across her lips and a smoldering flame appeared in her eyes that began to turn me on. _Not when she's drunk..._ She stepped into me and put her hands on my chest, things began to feel familiar.

"You're so damn sexy when you're angry. " _Fuck me._ Sarah looked fucking hot and I was finding it hard to keep what I was feeling at bay, but I couldn't take advantage of her in this state and I couldn't have her hating me in the morning.

"Thanks darlin' but I really think you have had enough to drink. Let's get you home." I held her hand and pulled her off the dance floor and over to the bar to get my jacket. The barman said a few things to Sarah while I told Stewie we were leaving.

"I bet myself £100 that she was going to break your face, then I bet myself £200 that you two were going to have sex to the next song. What the fuck was that about?" I laughed at him, but I couldn't explain to myself what just happened.

"I don't fucking know, she just...she's just drunk."

"So what if I am?" Sarah sneaked up behind me, her attitude was back in full force again. "Can't a girl have some fun? Speaking of which, shouldn't you be the gentleman you claim to be and go say goodnight?" _What the fuck is she talking about? _I was getting more and more pissed off and confused by the second.

"Sarah, what's gotten into you? You're never like this." Stewie interrupted Sarah facing off to me and I could only watch as she pointed her finger in his face and told him to fuck off. "Whoa! What the fuck have I done to make you mad?" Stewie got off his bar stool and his face looked the same as mine must have.

"You know full fucking well why I'm pissed off. Just don't..." Sarah trailed off and folded her arms across her chest.

"Come on, little lady." I took Sarah's arm and made her leave the club.

"So it's little lady now is it? Pick a fucking name and stick to it." _How about bitch? _Sarah was really trying my patience and I thanked what ever being governs us for a cab turning up before I really fucking snapped.

We got out of the cab and Sarah stormed off up to her room. She hadn't spoken a word to me and I know I thought seeing her drunk would be an eyeopener, but this was something else completely. This was like watching someone with schizophrenia.

I took a glass of water up to her and held my breath and counted to ten before going into her room.

"Sarah?" _There...I picked a name!_

"What?" She came out of her bathroom and her hair was brushed and fell around her shoulders in soft curls. _She's cut her hair. I like it. _I looked at how her face has softened, but her eyes were still fiery. She started to take off her little tie and unfastening the buttons on her shirt. _Not while she's drunk..._ I couldn't fathom how she could get me so angry yet still make me want to fuck her.

"You've shown me you got a mouth on ya. What else ya gonna show me?" I shouldn't have said it, but the prospect of seeing her undress in front of me made my mouth water and my brain not think. Sarah stopped what she was doing and told me to fuck off. I'd had enough. I left her room and went down to the kitchen to put on some coffee.

_What the fuck is going on? _I had never seen such fire in her eyes before tonight and part of me liked it. The other part made me wish I wasn't here. _Who the fuck was that guy she kissed? All the shit I hear about she doesn't like being hit on and she just fucking takes what she wants...Fucking women._

"Is there any left?" I jumped out of my skin and turned to see dressed in a satin strappy thing and she looked incredible.

"I thought you were going to sleep. You fucking need to." Hot or not, I was still mad with how she has behaved tonight.

"I can't sleep until the ringing in my ears stop. So is there any left?"

We sat down at opposite ends of the lounge and Sarah sipped her coffee and looked so tired. She looked at me, and I could hear her questioning herself as to why I was here.

"I came early to surprise you. And it has been a fucking surprise to me, I can tell ya. What the fuck is your problem?" I was too tired now to keep telling myself this was all just because she's drunk and I had a gut feeling there is more to it than her not being able to hold her liquor. Back in the club, she said things that made me feel it was my fault she's so pissed off.

"I just thought that I would try and...Nothing. Doesn't matter." _She won't even say how she feels when she's drunk._ "I just got mad because I thought you were here to see me." _What? _Sarah looked a bit upset now and hung her head. _Is she mad because I went for a drink with Stewie? That's just fucking stupid._

"I went for a drink with Stewie because you were out and I didn't find out until the last minute. I am here to see you." I thought that would put her at ease, but she just got mad at me again.

"I couldn't give a shit about you drinking with Stewie." Sarah placed her coffee cup on the oak table in front of her and brought her knees up to her chest. I could see she was fighting herself not to give anything away, but I could still see the sadness. I knelt down in front of her and took her hands.

"Then what is it? What have I done to make you think I'm not here to see you?"

"Because I saw you." Sarah looked angry again, the fire burned in her eyes, but turned her head away to stop me from seeing more. "I saw you go outside with that blonde and I..." _Oh fuck. She thinks I fucked who ever that girl was. But if that got her mad..._

"Did it make you a little jealous?" I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop the smile on my face. "Is that why you're mad at me?"

"I'm not fucking jealous. Why the fuck would I be jealous?" Sarah went to stand up, but I stopped her. _No way! You are not running away from me again. _"I want to go to bed now." _And I'd love to help you get in it.._

"OK. I'll drop this for now, but just sit here with me a while longer and I'll tell you what really happened." I sat next to her and she silently agreed.

We talked for a while and Sarah seemed to accept the fact I was helping out the blonde, she still had a flame flickering in her eyes though.

I went to make another coffee, when I got back Sarah had fallen asleep. _Deja vu!_

I picked her up and carried her to her bed. She didn't move a muscle until I covered her over and kissed her cheek.

"Sleep here." She wasn't quite awake, but she was definite in her request because she reached out her hand and grabbed my arm.

"I thought you never let men into your bed!"

"I don't. I just want you here with me." I swept the hair out of her eyes and she smiled her amazing smile.

"OK, sweetheart. I'm right here."

I turned off the lights and climbed in next to her. _Please God, let me keep my hands to myself..._


	19. Building Bridges

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

**Building Bridges.**

_My head..._I started to open my eyes and everything hurt. My stomach felt like a washing machine on fast spin and my entire body felt like jelly. _Where am I? _ My room was familiar, but from a different perspective. _I'm at the wrong side._ I swung my legs out of the left side of the bed and I hoped I wasn't going to be in a bad mood for getting out at this side. I sat for a minute to focus properly and to shake the cobwebs from my mind. _How did I get back here? _The last thing I remembered was getting angry at...something. _Did Mark tell me something on the phone that made me mad? _I remembered speaking to him, but that was as far as my recollection went.

"Morning, darlin'" _What the Hell? _I turned around and saw Mark, topless and in my bed. _NO! How did he get here? Did we..?_

"How are you...last night...did we...?" _I didn't sleep with him. Did I?_

"Are you telling me you can't remember last night? I feel used." _We didn't? _I was about to go mad, but then I caught the twinkle in his eye and knew he was kidding. _I can play that game!_

"Well, it couldn't have been worth remembering. It doesn't feel like I enjoyed it." Mark opened his mouth in surprise, but then realised I was kidding too and started laughing.

I got up and put on my bath robe quickly before Mark could see my tattoo and I went to brush my teeth while Mark stood outside the bathroom and filled me in on why he was here early and that he was going to stay a few extra days. _A full week with Mark?_ _Am I happy with that? Need a cuppa before I can think._

I came out of the bathroom and Mark was still topless. He still had trousers on though. _Gutted! Damn he looks good. _It took everything in me to not pull him into the bathroom and shower with me. If I wasn't in such a fragile state, I probably would have suggested it! I tried to avert my gaze, but I guess my blushing cheeks and the fact I walked into the door frame gave me away.

"Do you want me to go and get dressed so you can concentrate on what you are doing?" Mark grinned at me and I blushed some more.

"I think you should go somewhere, unless you're going to stand there like some sort of pervert while I get dressed."

"You didn't seem so shy last night." _What?_ Mark saw my shock and explained I started to undress and told him to go away. "...although, you didn't tell me to leave. You told me to fuck off!" _Why would I say that to him?_

"I don't swear. Not unless I'm mad at something." I thought back to my first thought this morning about being mad at something last night, but the memory was still surrounded by fog. "Was I mad last night?"

Mark burst out laughing and told me I must have been seriously drunk.

"How about I make you a cup of tea and I'll tell you all about it." I said that was a good idea, but he should go and get dressed first.

After taking a quick shower I felt more human, I went into the kitchen where I found Mark pouring milk into my cup.

"See, I remembered." He handed me a cuppa and he had taken the tea bag out before pouring in the milk.

"Thanks, you did good for an American!" I sat at the kitchen table and rubbed my head that was still spinning slightly. " I need breakfast."

Mark offered to make me something to eat, but I really wanted a fry-up. "I like a fried breakfast when I'm hungover, but I hate the smell it leaves in the kitchen. Fancy going out for breakfast?" Mark agreed and went to get his jacket.

_What did I do last night? Why was Mark in my bed? _I didn't know how I felt about Mark being here early, I figured I would have some time to prepare for it today but now I was thrown in at the deep end and I had no idea how to feel. _Feel...Why does that word pop up every time I think of Mark?_

"Ready to go?" Mark startled me but I got up and put my cup in the sink. I picked up my car keys and went into the garage. I opened the door to my Aston Martin DB9 and Mark asked me why I was taking Stewie's car.

"This isn't his car. What made you think that?" I asked as Mark got in the passenger seat.

"Well he picked me up from the airport in this yesterday, so I assumed it was his."

"I told him never to touch this car!" I started the engine and drove to my favourite café on Old King's Road.

"So, tell me what I did last night. Usually if I forget the night before, I know that I'll get flashbacks and eventually remember, but I have to admit, the suspense is killing me!" We sat at my usual table and Mark started to laugh. _Oh God, please don't let it be anything embarrassing. Oh my God, what if I puked on him? _He rested his elbows on the table and leaned over to me, a twinkle of amusement sparkled in his devastating eyes that made me feel so lost.

"Where do you want me to start? Do you want me to start with you dancing, you kissing some guy or do you want me to start with you yelling at me to get out of your yard?" My brain flat-lined. _Kissing someone? My yard?_ The fog was still thick, but being angry last night was something that definitely happened.

"Who was I kissing? Why would I do that? I never do that." I couldn't think for the life of me why I would throw myself at someone, drunk or not, it's just not who I am. Any more!

Mark said he didn't know and that I was really drunk so that's probably all it was. _No. I don't behave like that._ "Why was I mad?"

Juliet, who managed the café I came to, came over to take our order and left right away without her usual chat about the weather and politics.

"Do you want me to be honest about it?" I nodded my head and braced myself for whatever Mark was about to tell me. "OK. But before I do tell you, you have to promise not to go mental until I explain it ALL. Again!" I agreed.

"I was being a gentleman and helped a young lady outside and hailed a cab for her. You saw me go out and assumed I hooked up with her. That's why you got mad." _Crap. I remember now..._ _That's why I kissed who ever it was. I wanted payback._ I could feel my cheeks burn and felt ashamed of letting Mark see that he got to me. He leaned in closer to me and smiled. "Remember now? You were jealous!"

"Jealous of what? Don't flatter yourself!" Kicking and screaming was the only way I was to get out of this and I prepared myself for turning this into an argument.

"OK, darlin', I'll play along with your little charade, but I know better!" _So do I._

I never spoke to him until I finished my breakfast. He kept smiling at me, trying to get a reaction, but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

"Tit for tat." I almost spat out my tea. "I'll tell you something, if you tell me something. Do we have a deal?" Mark put out his hand for me to shake, I hesitated, but shook on the deal. "Tell me you were jealous." "Why are you so desperate for me to say something like that? It's a bit pathetic if you want me to be honest." I was in full defensive mode and I was a little harsh, but Mark had clocked me and just smiled.

"I know you will say anything to get out of admitting you're human but be honest with me, sweetheart."

"My name is...Oh, forget it. I give up." I took another mouthful of my tea and now I had the Eminem song stuck in my head. Mark kept looking at me, waiting for me to fulfil my part of the deal. _Oh sod it._ "Fine. Perhaps I was a teeny bit jealous. Perhaps." I finished my tea in one go and left the table before Mark could see me blush once again.

I came back to the table after paying the bill and Mark was still drinking his coffee. "What do you want to do today?"

"I'm game for whatever you have planned." _That's about as helpful as 'whatever.' _ I told Mark I had a meeting today and a few phone calls to make and Mark berated me for not taking time off like promised. _Don't argue with him._

I got up without saying a word and Mark asked who he should pay for breakfast. I told him I already had and we started a playful argument on how he should have paid and how I didn't give a rats ass if he was a man.

My meeting ran on longer than expected and I got back to find Mark eating in the kitchen. _I missed lunch!_

"Sorry, there was a few hitches at the meeting and I have to make more calls and go to another meeting later but I won't be long."

Mark put his sandwich down and looked cross with me. He said what he thought and I didn't have time for his outburst so I went up to my library and made my phone calls from there.

The calls and the meeting took about three hours and it was almost dinner time when I got back. Mark came down the stairs as I came in and followed me to the kitchen. Things had been strained between us because I had run out on him three times today and I did feel guilty for that. _I'll make it up to him. _

"I'm sorry about today. I wasn't expecting you until tonight, so it was too late to change things this morning. I promise I don't have any meetings or any business to tend to that can't wait."

Mark sighed and pulled out a chair. "That's OK, sweetheart. Sorry I got mad before. What do you feel like doing?"

I put the kettle on, and watched Mark take a seat at the kitchen table. _How do I feel about him?_ There was no denying I was attracted to him and every time I looked into his eyes I felt the world disappear and nothing else mattered. _Don't be soppy. He wants sex and nothing else, so just get him out of your system and have done with it._

"You're lost in your thoughts again, sweetheart. You do that a lot don't you?" I brushed the question off and asked Mark again what he wanted to do, but he didn't answer and I could see him waiting for me to suggest something.

"I thought you may want to stay in tonight if you are jet lagged or something." _Come on, Sarah, say what you want. Put the ball in his court. _"Or maybe you would want to..." I couldn't do it. I couldn't suggest he could take me to bed if that's what he wants.

Mark looked at me and studied my face, I could almost hear him questioning what it is I meant, but all he did was deflect the question back to me.

"What do you usually do on a Friday night?" I poured my tea and handed Mark a coffee as I sat opposite him at the table. _So he just wants to be friends?_ I felt disappointed, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was because he just wasn't attracted to me any more.

"Nothing much, I usually get back for about seven then get a bath and have my dinner while I watch TV. I watch Dexter then Smackdown, but I guess you wouldn't want to watch that!"

Mark chuckled and said a night in front of the telly would be nice.

So we did just that.

Stewie came over and we ordered Chinese and watched Smackdown, which was really weird! Here was I sat next to The Undertaker with his show on the TV and it hit me that I was sat next to a legend. I took another call, and I could feel Mark getting mad with me, but he just talked about his work.

"Won't be long before I get to retire and sit and watch this every Friday." That was the one thing any wrestling fan didn't want to hear.

"You can't retire! I haven't even been to Wrestle Mania yet, and Wrestle Mania without The Undertaker would be like Stewie without whiskey. It's just not right!" Mark and Stewie chuckled and said he wasn't ready for it just yet.

"Well, I'm off to leave you two to it." Stewie and Mark said goodbye and I set Stewie to the door.

"Stop being a fucking nun and go for it with him, I can see you want to."

"Not that simple! Mark told me a while ago that we should be friends, and I'm feeling the same way." We argued over it for a couple of minutes before he left and I went back to Mark. My friend.

We talked for a bit about holidays we have been on and how school over here is so different to that in America, just run of the mill conversation when I got an idea.

"How about tomorrow, I do something for your birthday?" I know it was a silly thing to say, but it seemed like a good idea to me!

"It was my birthday a month ago! You called me, remember?" Mark chuckled but I was insistent that I should do something for him.

"I know, but you said you didn't have any thing to do on your birthday, so now is your chance! We could go shopping and you could pick out a birthday present, then we could go to the pictures or to dinner. It's up to you. What do you want?"

Mark got serious and put his arm across the back of the sofa and then leaned right into me, a seductive expression made me wonder if he was going to make his move and I could get him out of my system. He looked in my eyes for the longest time and tingles were coursing their way all over my body.

"I want you." _Fuck me._ "I want you all night. No cell phones. No meetings. No interruptions." _Kiss him._ I could feel myself lick my lips, readying myself to show him what I wanted, but he stood up and left the room. _What the Hell was that?_ _What is going on? _

I was still questioning myself when Mark came back and handed me a beer. _I don't want a beer!_ I took it but placed it on the coffee table. Mark sat next to me again but closer to me than he was sitting before. "How about it, sweetheart? Do I get you and only you for one whole night?" Mark brushed my hair away from my eyes and I could have kissed him. The flames rose in me and the nuclear fusion was more powerful than it had ever been. My head was spinning and I didn't have much doubt as to what Mark was thinking and it's what I wanted too. _I want him all night too._

"If it's what you want, then it's what you'll get. Deal." I held out my hand and Mark wrapped his huge hand around mine. The sparks were flying and my knees wouldn't have been able to hold me up had I been standing. _Can it be tonight? _I asked myself, but Mark soon gave me my answer.

"Starting from when we get up tomorrow, you are all mine! I'm going up now, I'm a bit tired and I have a few things in mind that will tire me out tomorrow, so I'd better get plenty of rest!" Mark got up and left me reeling.

"Oh...OK...Goodnight." _A few things that will tire him out? _I was absolutely dumb stricken and I don't think I could have said my name had somebody asked me what it was.

I went up about 20 minutes after Mark and the tension was killing me as I lay down. _I could go into Mark's room and make this feeling of longing go away and then come back to my own bed and never have to think like this again..._ But over all these weeks since first meeting him, I knew deep down that one night with Mark wouldn't quench my thirst for him but I kept telling myself that it was the only way to forget the things he makes me feel. _Just go to his room. _I got out of bed and started to walk around my room, trying to pluck up the courage to go to Mark.

I stood outside his room and I could hear a gentle snore coming from the other side of the door. _Let him sleep. There is always tomorrow. And the day after and the day after that... _

I climbed back into bed and lay for ages trying to drift off to sleep, but the feeling of needing Mark next to me wouldn't subside. I kept telling myself that it would be selfish of me to wake him, it would seem pushy and Mark would think I was throwing myself at him, but I always had to argue back, even with myself.

_Just go to his bed...feel his lips against mine...feel his body under mine...just feel..._

I decided against it, I would just wait and see what tomorrow would bring. _But I could still think about what would happen if I went to wake him..._

I felt slightly relieved and very tired. I turned on my side and pulled the quilt all the way up over my shoulders. My eyes felt heavy and my thoughts were quiet. _See what tomorrow brings..._


	20. Don't Push it

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

**Don't Push It.**

I woke to feel Sarah moving around next to me and all I could think was that I finally got to sleep with her! I looked at my watch and it was only just after seven. _We have only been asleep three hours._ Sarah sat up and I turned my head to see her shaking hers. _She has absolutely no idea how close she was to me losing control last night. _

"Morning, darlin'" Sarah turned to face me and her surprise at my being in her bed was evident. _I'm going to have some fun with this! _She stumbled her words, but essentially asked if we had sex last night. _She must have been in a worse state than I thought!_ I joked that I was hurt that she didn't remember and the look on her face was priceless before she stated that it couldn't have been good between us if she didn't remember it. I couldn't believe she would say such a thing, but I caught the wry smile she was trying to conceal and laughed. _At least she's not grumpy in the morning. _

Sarah got up and went to the bathroom and I filled her in on why I was already here.

"I got injured and have more time off than I should have, so I came a bit early and I could stay until the end of next week if that's OK with you." The sound of brushing her teeth stopped and everything fell silent.

"Are you all right? You didn't get hurt too bad, did you?" _Is that genuine concern?_ With Sara, if I got injured she was happy about it because it meant I could spend more time with her, but I can't recollect her once asking if I was OK unless it was a pretty serious injury.

"Yeah, sweetheart, I'm just fine. So how about it? Can you handle a full week with me?" I listened at the door and I had a gut feeling she was going to deflect, or change the subject in some way.

"Yeah. If that's what you want." _Well, that was almost a straight answer from her._

Sarah opened the door to her bathroom and walked straight into the door frame, I tried not to laugh as she tried to look anywhere but at me. _What would have happened if I didn't put my pants back on? _I couldn't hold back a chuckle as I thought about that.

I asked if she would like me to go and get dressed as she went into her closet to pick out some clothes, which she laid out on her bed.

"I think you should go somewhere, unless you're going to stand there like some sort of pervert while I get dressed." _She does have a mouth on her!_ I told her that she wasn't shy last night and her face was a picture!

"I brought you some water and you were just starting to take off your shirt, and you didn't seem bothered one little bit that I was there, until I made a comment and you told me to leave, although, you didn't tell me to leave. You told me to fuck off!"

Sarah asked if she got angry last night and I couldn't hold back the fits of laughter. She seemed like such a smart young woman, but she was acting like a complete bimbo and it was so funny to see her not have an answer for something.

"Christ, darlin', you must have drank your club dry last night!" I offered to make her a cup of tea and tell her about it over breakfast.

_Tea bag out. Milk in. One sugar._ I hoped my memory was right about how she takes her tea. I looked out of the kitchen window and thought about how I should play things. I liked falling asleep with her last night and I liked waking up to her too, but I was a bit confused as to why she asked me to get in her bed as she openly admitted she didn't like to share her space, especially in bed. _Maybe it was just the drink. Don't read into it. _

Sarah came down wearing a pale blue cardigan over a mid-blue silk dress that stopped at her knees. _She does like to make a guy wonder what is under there..._

"See I remembered." I handed her the cup of tea I made and she looked pleasantly surprised that I got it right.

"I need breakfast." She looked really hungover and tired, but somehow still managed to look incredible.

"How about I fix you some toast, or some eggs?" I was getting hungry too and Sarah suggested we go out for a fried breakfast.

We went to a little cafe that I assumed Sarah frequented because she was met with smiles from the staff and she talked to a woman she seemed friendly with. We were led to a table at the far side next to a little window. Sarah asked me to tell her about last night. I could see her anticipation as she braced herself for details.

We took a seat and I was intrigued to see how she would react to this. "Where do you want me to start? Do you want me to start with you dancing, you kissing some guy or do you want me to start with you yelling at me to get out of your yard?" I saw her face turn gray and her jaw dropped, she really wasn't expecting that and I waited for her to change the subject and start talking about the weather or something, but she was actually curious too. She asked who she kissed and was vehement that she never behaves like that. _Could I trust her? _The thought startled me. I was beginning to admit to myself that I was starting to have feelings for this woman, but I never thought about things long term, or even how things could possibly work with us two in different countries. _Not that it's up to me. I'm thinking this about a woman who doesn't give her heart away._

Sarah asked why she was so angry last night and the woman Sarah was talking to when we walked in came over to our table and took our order. I asked for a bacon and tomato sandwich with a coffee and I was impressed to hear Sarah order the full works. _I guess she does have an appetite!_ The woman went and Sarah looked to me for answers. I asked her to promise that she wouldn't get angry with me again before I could finish.

"OK. I might promise!" Sarah smiled and I told her why I thought she got so mad with me last night and her cheeks turned red and the recollection was written all over her.

"Remember now? You were jealous!" I smiled and her face scrunched up, telling me I was flattering myself, but she didn't meet my eyes and I knew she was lying.

I watched as she ate her breakfast and, boy, could she put it away! I could see her thinking away to herself and I tried to let her know that it was OK to talk to me about what she thinks, but she never uttered a word. I knew that she never volunteered information, but I had an idea that she might negotiate.

"Tit for tat." I watched as she almost spat her tea out and wondered if she would take the bait. "I'll tell you something, if you tell me something. Do we have a deal?" She looked dubious, but shook my hand. I asked her to admit she was jealous, and as usual, she didn't give me a straight answer and actually got a bit mean. I knew she was just trying to get out of it so I let her know I wasn't bothered by her comments. I stared at her playing with a strand of hair, before she almost in defiance told me that perhaps she was a bit jealous. She took a mouthful of her tea, almost as if she was washing away the taste of being honest, and left the table before I could tell her I was jealous too. _She actually admitted it! _I must have looked like an idiot sat smiling away to my self, but I couldn't stop it. Reasoning told me that for her to be jealous by what she thought she saw, then she must feel something for me.

Sarah came back to the table and we discussed what to do today. "I do have a meeting just before lunch and then I have to make some phone calls to suppliers and then some calls to sort out a charity event next month, but I shouldn't be too long." _She's working today?_

"Why are you working? You said you were taking time off while I was here, and now you're going to be working?" I was a bit too vocal in my disapproval and Sarah flinched before standing up to put her jacket on. _Fuck. Just calm her down. _"Sorry, sweetheart. Should I go to the woman who took our order to pay for breakfast?"

"I already paid for it when I went to the bathroom."

"I should have paid."

"Why? Because you have a penis?" Sarah laughed and it made me laugh too.

We got in her car and she drove us back to her home. "I'll try not to be too long, but I still have to make some calls when I get back." Sarah put down her purse and hung up her jacket and went to get a change of clothes before I could make any protests at her working today.

I made a coffee and called Sara to talk to my girls, then I went snooping. In a room just off the kitchen was a laundry room where the vacuum and other cleaning stuff were kept, then I went upstairs.

Stewie had shown me the rooms on the right of the corridor, but not the left. I went into the room that was at the front of the house and it was a huge library, books were floor to ceiling and a big mahogany desk was in front of the window with a big reclining leather chair behind it. I looked at the books on the shelf's and there was everything from Aztec's to the Zoroastrianism religion and everything in between. I noticed there was a whole book case just on President Kennedy and related matters. One of the books had a piece of paper next to it. I took it out and looked at the feminine handwriting, it was notes about checking a witness statement and times. _So these are Sarah's books? _ _Who would have thought she was a conspiracy nut? These other books must have been her dad's. _

In the next room along was another guest bedroom and the room after that was a gym. Not full of modern equipment, and that made it so impressive. It actually reminded me of a place I used to train at in Dallas years ago.

The room next door was an office, that I guessed belonged to Stevie Delgado. The walls were filled with Platinum records and family photo's. I looked at pictures of Stevie and Sarah together and she looked a lot like her dad. She had the same Latino flavor to her and the same smile as her father. The pictures of her as a little girl were adorable, but I noticed she didn't smile a lot, it was only in the pictures taken in her teens that she had her amazing smile. _No pictures of her mother?_ I knew from what Stewie had told me that her mother had a drink problem, but he never gave me any reason to think it was so bad that her mother had been cut out of her life completely. _Maybe I'll ask about it. Not that she will tell me._

In the room at the back was a media room. A huge TV set hung on the wall and there was hundreds of DVD's and CD's. A big red couch sat in the middle of the room, with an end table at each arm. I took a quick look at some of the movies on the shelves, there was a mix of classics and modern movies. And a load of WWE ones! _She said she missed a few years. I guess she caught up!_

I went to my room and lay on the bed wondering what to do for this week. I was a bit mad that Sarah had gone to work and wondered whether she would have any thing else crop up over the coming days. We shared a nice breakfast together and we talked and laughed, but she always seemed uncomfortable and on edge. I knew she didn't trust very easily and she was a bit of a loner, so having me here for a whole week must be her idea of Hell, yet she never gave me the impression she didn't want me here. _Unless her running off to meetings was the hint? _

_Where the fuck is she? _I sat at the kitchen table with a sandwich and looked at my watch. Sarah had been gone for almost four hours and I was getting pissed with her. Was this her way of telling me she didn't want me here in the first place? I was considering sending her a text to ask where the fuck she was when I heard the front door slam shut. Sarah came into the kitchen a few minutes later an put the kettle on before realizing I was sat here.

"Sorry, there was a few hitches at the meeting and I have to make more calls and go to another meeting later but I won't be long." _ Is she fucking serious? _

"Are you planning on being home at all this coming week? Or should I just find things to do by myself?" Sarah looked like she was going to yell at me, but she shook her head and went upstairs. _Running away again._

I went to my room to take a shower and I thought about the trust and intimacy issues she has. I thought the trust issues were from guys trying to get her into bed because she was Stevie Delgado's daughter and I knew all too well how that felt. For years I have had women trying to throw themselves at me, but they just wanted The Undertaker. Not that I was bothered by that and I usually didn't put up much of a fight, but now I had been married twice and have children, it all seems so empty. I wasn't happy and I wasn't fulfilled by the single life and thinking back on it, the only time I felt like there wasn't something missing was when I was around Sarah. _Is she the thing that's missing?_

I had often told myself I was crazy for thinking that Sarah and I could have something together, because I hardly knew her and she never once gave any indication that she wanted to be with someone or was in any way willing to let someone try to get close to her, but here I was. We share a chemistry and no matter how much either of us denied it, I knew we would end up in bed together at the very least.

The only way to attempt to get close to her was to figure out what I felt and to not give in to what I have wanted to do since seeing her again. There was only one way to get close to Sarah and I think I knew what that way was. I came up with an idea on how I would get her alone and show her that I have feelings for her, but it would all depend on how and if she shows me how she feels. _I'll talk to her tonight about what she __wants from me, but I'll do it when it's too late for meetings and she has nowhere to run._

It was just coming up to six that evening when Sarah finally came back, I went down the stairs as she was stood in the entrance hall taking off her shoes and untying her hair. She looked so different with her hair down, almost relaxed. She smiled at me and asked if I wanted a coffee as she went into the kitchen before I could even say 'yes'. _Maybe I should just corner her somewhere?_

Sarah was stood against the counter and she sighed and apologized for today, explaining she wasn't expecting me early and couldn't change things around. _She sounds genuine enough. _I took a seat at the breakfast table and said I was sorry for getting mad with her, I asked what she felt like doing and I hoped she was going to tell me she was hungry then I could ask her out to dinner. Ask her on a date. I looked at her for an answer, but she was playing with a strand of her hair and although she was looking right at me, she seemed to be looking through me. I did like that far away look she got when she was in her own little world, but I wished she would share what she thought about.

"You're lost in your thoughts again, sweetheart. You do that a lot don't you?" My question brought Sarah's attention back and she started getting cups out of the cupboard. _Not going to say anything about it then?_

"Sorry, I'm a thinker! What do you want to do later?" _I want to do her. Never mind later, I want her now. _"I thought you may want to stay in tonight if you are jet lagged or something."

Sarah's gaze dropped to the floor and her cheeks pinked up _Why is she blushing? _"Or maybe you would want to..." _Does she mean...? _The expression on her face suggested we go to bed. Together. _Fuck, I could go to bed with her and stay there all week! But I would blow things._ The angel won the argument this time and I just asked what she usually did on a Friday night.

"Nothing much, I usually get back for about seven then get a bath and have my dinner while I watch TV. I watch Dexter then Smackdown, but I guess you wouldn't want to watch that!" Sarah giggled and I followed suit.

"Maybe I'll make an exception just this once! A night on the couch in front of the TV set with you sounds nice!" _Maybe I'll get her all to myself finally!_

Having Sarah to myself was a bit optimistic. Stewie came over and as much as I liked the guy, I wanted him to fuck off. Sarah's cell kept ringing and it was driving me mad, but I kept my cool and it was really uncomfortable sitting next to Sarah and knowing that she would never be completely 'here', she would always be thinking about work and finding things to keep her busy.

Stewie left after 'Smackdown' and I was getting tired. The show was on much later over here than in the US and it finished after midnight.

After five minutes or so of talking at the front door with her brother, Sarah came back to the lounge and sat as far away from me as she could. She started talking about school systems and vacations, all sorts of topics that wouldn't give me any clue about who hides behind her walls. _Is she nervous about being alone with me?_

It appears as though she is, so how would she feel if I were to ask her on a date? It seemed that she wanted to be just friends, she even said so to her brother, but something in the way she sometimes looks at me..._What the Hell goes on in her head?_

I was about to ask her if she had any plans for tomorrow, so I could take the first step and ask her to dinner but she beat me to it with an silly, but sweet, suggestion that we celebrate my birthday from last month!

I reminded her that my birthday was in March, but she didn't care and looked excited by her idea. For the first time, she looked happy about something.

"...We could go shopping and you could pick out a birthday present, then we could go to the pictures or to dinner. It's up to you. What do you want?" I looked at her smiling her amazing smile and felt heat building up in me. _I fucking want you...That's it! That's how I'll get her to myself, and perhaps even share a bed with her again._

I told Sarah I wanted her and she looked shocked with my suggestion, then I told her I didn't want her cell phone and I didn't want company, just her for one night. Her expression softened and she slowly and seductively licked her bottom lip. It turned me on so much that I would either have to leave the room or fuck her on this couch right now. _ Just fucking walk away. She won't trust you if you start ripping her clothes off._ The angel won again and I went into the kitchen to calm myself.

_Fuck. I want her, I want her, I want her._ I knew I couldn't act on it and it made me want her even more, the feeling of wanting to be with her was getting stronger and stronger every time I looked at her and I couldn't fight for much longer that I wanted to be a part of her life and her heart, just like she was part of mine.

I grabbed a couple of beers from the refrigerator and went back into the lounge. Sarah was sat playing with a strand of hair and that told me she was thinking away to herself again. _What goes on in that pretty head of hers?_ I sat down beside her, way too close to her and way too close to be able to stop myself from kissing her if she licked her lips like that again.

"How about it, sweetheart? Do I get you and only you for one whole night?" I had to keep my distance, but when Sarah looked up into my eyes, a strand of hair was touching her long dark eyelashes and I instinctively brought my hand up to her face to brush it away. _God, her eyes are beautiful._ _God, I want to carry her up to bed._

"If it's what you want, then it's what you'll get. Deal." Sarah held out her hand and it was the first time she had offered any kind of physical contact. I took her hand and fought the urge to pull her over me and feel her body pressed against mine while I kissed her and showed her how she made me feel. _Don't do it.._

I told Sarah I was tired and was going up to bed because if I looked at her a second longer, I wouldn't stop myself from telling her I wanted her to be naked next to me and that I needed to fuck her.

I got straight into bed, I didn't even bother getting washed or brushing my teeth, I just needed to relieve myself before I took my sexual tension out on Sarah and fucked everything up. I had no idea that any one could make me feel like this. If I wanted to sleep with someone, I did it. I didn't give a fuck about feelings or think about possibilities, I just got what I wanted and moved on. Even with Sara, I was attracted to her when we met but never like this. Never this strongly and never this physically.

I thought about those pictures she did in that magazine and about her lips softly brushing against mine the first time we met. Images of Sarah pleading with me to be inside her tipped me over the edge.

I got back into bed after getting cleaned up and brushing my teeth when I heard Sarah come up the stairs. Her footsteps slowed as she reached my room and I thought she was going to open the door and climb in bed next to me. I hoped she did, but she kept on walking to her room.

_I want her next to me. I want her in my arms. _Thinking that way made me realize she really did have me by the balls and I wanted to go to her room, not only for sex, but to tell her I have feelings for her that I wasn't going to fight anymore. To tell her I was falling for her.


	21. Tables Have Turned

**CHAPTER TWENTY ONE**

**Tables Have Turned**

My alarm woke me at half past five and I wasn't ready to wake up yet, so I hit the snooze button and turned over in my bed. _Why did I set it half an hour early?_ I pulled the covers back up over my shoulders and snuggled my head into my pillow, ready to go back to sleep. _Mark._ I sat up and remembered why I needed to be up earlier than usual.

I went downstairs still in my night clothes and put on a pot of coffee while I boiled the kettle for a cup of tea. I checked the 'fridge to see if I had everything I needed and was relieved that I didn't need to go to the supermarket this early too.

I had my cup of tea and went back up to get dressed. I brushed my teeth but skipped my shower for now and slipped out of the house.

I came back just after six and started chopping tomatoes and put on some bacon. While that was cooking, I went for my shower and got re-dressed and hurried back down to turn the bacon.

Everything was ready and I crept upstairs, I don't know why I crept as I was on my way up to wake Mark anyway! I had a few plans for today but I left a few gaps in case Mark wanted to do something else.

I opened the door and Mark wasn't in the bed. I set the tray down on the bed and went over to the bathroom, I could hear Mark turn off a tap and I lightly knocked on the door. I expected him to talk to me from behind the door, but he opened it, and he was dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. _Bloody Hell!_ I couldn't stop my face from turning crimson and I couldn't stop thinking about him taking that towel off and to Hell with breakfast!

"What is it with me and you and a bathroom door? And why is it I'm always half dressed?" Mark chuckled and I blushed even more.

"Don't know! Maybe you were a naturist in a former life!" I laughed it off, but I still couldn't stop looking at Mark's half naked body. Although, I was getting better at hiding it!

"So, what to I owe the honour of having you in a bedroom so early?" _I could have woken up here if I came in last night..._

"I brought you breakfast in bed." Mark looked over my shoulder and saw the tray on the bed. He thanked me and I had to turn my back while he dressed. It was torture. The kind of torture the Geneva Convention frowned upon. _I want to see him.._

"OK, darlin' you can look now." I turned to find Mark dressed._ Gutted!_

He sat in bed and asked me to sit with him.

He ate his bacon and fried tomato sandwich and saw the envelope under the plate.

"What's this?" Mark opened the envelope and started laughing. "You are serious about this aren't you?" He kept laughing and I wondered if it was mocking laughter or pleasant laughter.

"I know it's silly, isn't it?"

"Maybe a little bit, but it's also incredibly sweet." Mark put the envelope down and put his hand on mine. "Thank you, sweetheart." I pulled my hand away and immediately regretted it. _How am I going to get him out of my system if I won't even let him touch me?_

Mark looked confused and I wanted to do what came natural to me and find something else to do, but I forced myself to stay where I was.

After we came down from breakfast, I put some washing on and was stood washing the pots when Mark came behind me and put his hands on my hips. _Crap, I've no where to run this time._

"I never told you my 'something' yesterday." I was confused at first about what he meant but then remembered about being sat in the café yesterday and he said if I told him something, then he would tell me something.

I nodded, letting Mark know I was ready to hear it, but it took all my strength to listen to him because I was trying so hard not to get turned on by him being so close to me, I felt his breath on my shoulder as he whispered to me in a low, sexy voice that he got jealous too.

My knees almost gave out and Mark walked away leaving me in my stupor. _He got jealous of me kissing someone else? _I hoped that meant he felt something for me, but then it dawned on me what it actually was. He was mad that I had walked away from him so many times, yet I behaved like that with a complete stranger. That's what it was. Stupid territorial cave man crap.

I finished drying and putting away the pots and went to see Mark, who was sat in the front room watching a breakfast TV programme.

"I thought we could go shopping and get you a present, since I never got to see you on your actual birthday."

Mark laughed at me and said he thought I didn't like to shop, which I didn't. "I don't mind shopping for someone else and I really want to get you a present. In fact, the only thing that gets me through a shopping trip is to get a gift for someone I care..." _What the...? _I stopped myself and wondered where the Hell that came from.

"What was that, sweetheart?" Mark looked at me, daring me to finish what I almost said, but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

"I thought we could also have lunch out, maybe a picnic since the weather is unseasonably warm, then we could go to the London Dungeons and do tourist stuff, but if there is something that you would rather do, then we'll do that." I knew I was rambling, but the way Mark kept looking at me made me uncomfortable. Not like creepy uncomfortable, but more like that uncomfortable no reason to feel guilty but do anyway feeling you get going through the metal detectors at an airport. "What?" It was doing my head in what he kept staring at me for and Mark stood up, moving so close to me that my temperature soared and my heart was on the verge of giving out.

"Nothin'. That's your favourite word, isn't it?" _Am I lost somewhere?_ "If I asked you to tell me what you were thinking or to tell me what you were going to say, that's the word I would get, isn't it? Nothin'."

"Why are you being weird?" _Don't let him see he has my number._

"I'm not being weird, I'm just being curious. I know you're a stubborn thing and I know to get you to say how you feel would be like pulling teeth, but why don't you try it once in a while?" _This is all because I said something I shouldn't have. Me and my damn mouth._

I started to walk out of the room, telling Mark he was being stupid, when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Get off me." I yanked my arm free and pushed him. I tried to run, but I was kept grounded to the spot.

Mark took a few steps back and pointed to the kitchen. "Go on then, run off like you always do, I won't stop ya." He looked so pleased with himself that he made me react, but I couldn't do anything but react to him. _He wants me to run off so he's right about me. Well, I see what you're doing, Calaway. _

"Fuck you. I'm not going anywhere." I stood my ground, I was resolute and Hell bent that he wouldn't let me feel anything. Mark looked amused and it pissed me off all the more. "What are you being such a dick for? I'm just trying to do something nice for you, and all you can do is attack me, so I think you're the one who needs to start fucking talking."

"How about you go in the kitchen where you belong and make a coffee and we'll have a nice chat?" _Is he fucking serious?_

I told him exactly what I thought about his suggestion and where he could stick it, but he just laughed at me.

"I really don't think you'll survive a week with me so you better go home now." Mark looked at me for a minute, wondering whether I was serious about him leaving, but then he started smiling again. _Stop fucking smiling at me._

"I won't survive? Are you a serial killer or somethin' darlin'" _You fucking prick..._

I let my mouth run and run, not stopping for air until I had wiped that smile off his fucking face. I had said too much in my little rant, but at least he wasn't smiling any more!

We stood silent and I knew I had really gone overboard, but he pushed me into it and I wasn't sorry. In all this, I had learned he was stubborn too and we both waited for the other one to say the first word, to make the first move, but it wasn't going to be me!

"OK, you win, I was just trying to get you to open up. I'm sorry that I made you mad." Mark tried to take my hand, but I stepped away, interlacing my fingers behind my back so he couldn't try it again. I stormed off into the kitchen and put the kettle on and replaced the filter in the coffee pot. I tried to calm myself, but the more I tried, the more it upset me. _How is it that he can get to me? I don't even know him!_

Mark came and sat in the chair he seemed to have claimed as his own around the breakfast table and asked if he was allowed to speak to me again and gave me a puppy dog look that Elle could only dream of! _At least he's learning!_

I made the drinks and sat opposite Mark and asked why he started having a go at me.

"The only time I have seen you give in to how you feel was the other night. I saw heat and so much energy coming off you and I really liked what I saw. I like you fired up!" _Is he kidding? He pissed me off because he finds some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me angry?_ "I know that sounds strange, sweetheart, but I noticed that when you got mad with me the other night, you said things that I know full well you wouldn't say unless you had no control over yourself. I figured it could either be because you were shit-faced, or it was because you were angry, so I decided to see which one it was."

"That was a test? Some sort of experiment to get me to tell you that I want to..." _Stop talking! _Mark was looking very pleased with himself that he could get me to almost say what I really think. "...Fuck you!"_ OK, that was exactly what I tried to stop myself from saying!_

Mark just sipped his coffee and never said a word, but his expression told me everything. He was happy with himself that he had managed to get under my skin, like it was some sort of Olympic sport and he had won gold. I wasn't going to let him think he had won, so I did what I do best and acted like everything was fine and I left the table to wash my cup.

"You still want to go out today?" I said it in my most pleasant voice, the voice I reserved for meeting important people who could swing decisions to my favour. I laid it on thick that we should still go ahead with celebrating his birthday and Mark asked why I was being weird this time!

"You said you were sorry, so lets move on. This doesn't have to ruin the rest of the day."

We spent the day doing tourist stuff like going to Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Circus (although, it looks so much better at night) and we went to the Tower of London. I have to admit, I have had a really nice time and have genuinely enjoyed the day so far. Without even trying, Mark and I had grew closer and I liked to see him happy.

"Lets head back and I'll pack a picnic if you want, or we could go to the famous Harvey Nichols for lunch if you want to stay in keeping with Tourist stuff."

"A picnic sounds great to me."

We headed back out of the house and I took Mark to my favourite spot in St. James' Park. I laid the blanket out next to the little duck pond that was concealed under a huge Willow tree and Mark unpacked the picnic basket.

"I'm starving, I hope you packed the whole refrigerator!" Mark dug into his sandwich before I had even sat down! "You make a mean sandwich, sweetheart."

"Don't give yourself indigestion! What do you want to do when we've finished here? We could go to The Natural History Museum, or to the Planetarium, which is right near Baker Street if you want to visit 221B!"

Mark started laughing at my eagerness to find more things to do together, but the truth was, I didn't want today to end. I have had the best day I've had in a long time and it was all down to Mark.

"Let's just sit and enjoy this before we talk about later."

Every scrap of food was gone and we fed the ducks with some bread that I had packed when Mark started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I just realised something has been missing all day!" I asked what and Mark started laughing again. "You're cell phone! I haven't heard it ring once!"

I started to laugh and I had to admit it was nice to have a day off from everything. Just one day to relax and not worry about work and being able to get through a meal without interruption.

"I left it back at the house. In fact...are you ready for this?" Mark smiled and nodded. "I switched it off last night and I haven't turned it back on!" Mark joked around and smiled a wonderful smile and tried to hold my hand, but I once again pulled away. _What is wrong with me?_ Mark looked confused and a little put out that I had refused to have any kind of physical contact with him and I was just as confused.

As much as I had started to feel at ease with Mark, and I knew sex was the one way to stop him from making me feel anything for him, something inside put the breaks on every time we got close and I didn't know what that was.

"Sorry. I just don't hold hands."

"I did notice that darlin'. You ready to pack up now?" Mark pointed to the picnic basket and then I remembered the most important bit of this. The reason I suggested a picnic in the first place.

"Not just yet. Go sit down because I have something for you." Mark made a suggestive comment and I blushed. _How can he make me feel like a bloody school girl?_

We sat back down on the blanket and I took out a cup cake with a candle on. Mark burst out laughing, but so what? I lit the candle and told him he had to make a wish.

He blew out the candle and asked me if I wanted to know what he wished for.

"No because then it won't come true will it!" I never thought of myself as superstitious, but I guess I was after all!

"If I don't tell you my wish, it won't come true. I need you to make it happen." All sorts of things went through my mind, so I cautiously asked what his wish was. He shuffled over to me and leaned over, inches away from my face. "I wish for a birthday kiss." _Oh crap._ I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't at the same time. Kissing Mark would be something I probably couldn't come back from and I didn't want to see what lay beyond the darkness. _Quick. Do something!_

Mark was inching ever closer to me so I panicked and kissed his cheek.

"Happy birthday." I got up and started messing with my hair and fiddling with my belt. Anything to avoid looking at Mark

"You wanna head back home now?" _Home?_ _I don't have a home._

"But I haven't got a present for you yet. We could go to Camden or Notting Hill, they have some really good independent shops there and you might find something you like."

Mark got an expression on his face, that was now starting to look familiar. A very mischievous, yet very sexy expression.

He told me he already knew what he wanted, and that he couldn't get it in any shop. My heart rate doubled and I'm sure I blushed! _I wish he wasn't just after sex. Where did that come from?_

I started tidying up and we took the tube back to the house.

We spent the rest of the evening watching TV and I said goodnight and went up to get a bath. My feet were killing me after all the walking we had done today and in heels too! I usually wore flats unless I was at a fund raising thing, but with Mark here I wore them all the time just to be closer to his height!

I was just about to get in the bath, when Mark knocked on the bathroom door. _Me and you and a bathroom door!_

"If I open this door, you better not be half naked out there!" I heard Mark let out a riotous laugh and I had never heard anything like it. It made me smile that he was happy, although I kind of hoped he was wearing nothing on the other side of the door!

"I brought you up a cup of tea and I want to talk to you about something." My chest tightened and a panic set in.

"Er...OK...give me ten minutes and I'll come find you." _What does he want to talk about?_

I lay in the warm water and let the tension leave me, but it didn't last. _Is tonight the night I let myself forget him?_

After getting out of the bath and putting on my night dress, I found Mark in his room and he was stood by the window waiting for me and I could sense straight away that something wasn't right. He was stood with one arm on the window and his other arm hung loosely by his side.

"What is it Mark?" He looked like his world had ended and I instinctively went over to comfort him. The feeling I got was not a good one and my heart sank as I thought it could be things with his wife that were upsetting him. I rubbed his back and rested my head on his shoulder and this time, no breaks were applied. I felt his muscles tense and it worried me. "Are you all right?" _What's wrong? He was fine earlier._

Mark turned around, giving me a reassuring smile and placed his hands in his jeans pockets. He said he was tired and had a lot on his mind. _His wife?_

"What is it what you wanted to talk about? Is it your wife?" Mark looked almost angry, but then the look went within seconds and he took his hands out of his pockets and wrapped them around my waist, my hands were on his chest and I could feel his heart beating fast. He reminded me that things were fine and that he just had a lot on his mind.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mark shook his head "Well do you want me to go if you're so tired? We could talk in the morning." Mark held me tight to him and told me he didn't want me to go. He pushed my

hair behind my ear and smiled at me. _Nuclear fusion._

"Remember when I said I wanted a gift, but I wouldn't get it in any store?" I tentatively nodded my head. _Is this where he tells me to get in his bed? _I didn't know how to feel about it. I wanted to be with Mark, more than anything, but there was something that stopped me. "Well...the thing is..." Mark fumbled his words and I knew what he was trying to say. Or at least I think I did. "I asked you for the whole night, and that's what I want. I liked falling asleep with you the other night and I want to do it again." _Fall asleep with me? _I was half gutted and half relieved.

"Er..I have no idea how to respond to that." Mark started chuckling at me and asked me to sleep next to him. My thoughts immediately went to Baltimore and Mark teasing me about being in the room next to his.

I agreed, but I still wasn't sure what all of this was about. _Maybe he's a bit lonely after his wife left?_

We both went to the same side of the bed. "Hey, that's my side!" Mark said and jokingly shoved me out of the way.

"No, I sleep on the right." And I pushed him back.

"It's my bed, so it's my side!" And shoved me again. We were like a couple of kids and it warmed me to see Mark smile again.

"You invited me into 'your' bed, so be a gentleman and give it up!" I punched Mark in his arm.

"Ouch! That was uncalled for! Go easy with that right hook!" Mark said as he rubbed his arm. I laughed at him being a wimp.

"I was going easy. I'm a lefty!" Mark walked around to the other side of the bed, still rubbing his arm!

"Remind me never to piss you off. I don't want to be on the other end of your left hook if that's how you hit with your right."

"If you snore, I'll give you a demonstration!" Mark sat down and took off his T-shirt. I was a bit disappointed when he left his shorts on.

I sat in bed and watched Mark fidget, trying to get comfortable on the wrong side of the bed.

"I don't like this. It's all wrong." Mark fluffed his pillow and turned on his side to face me. "Talk to me about something, sweetheart." _Oh crap. He wants me to get personal._

"Once upon a time..." I giggled and Mark laughed and playfully shoved me.

"I'm being serious! I mean tell me about you. Tell me why you're never home." I didn't know what to say, and Mark saw me recoil. "You have trouble talking, I realise that, but you always find places to go and I think you work so much so you don't have to be here. Why is that?" Mark swept my hair away and lifted my chin so I would look in his eyes, but I pulled away and sat up, the darkness building up in me.

"I'm never home because it's not my home." _Why did I just say that?_ I felt a tear slowly streak down my face and I couldn't believe what was happening. I had never cried in front of anyone.

Mark sat up beside me and put his arm around me, pulling me towards him. _No. If he hugs me, I won't be able to stop the flood gates._ I pulled away once again and Mark tried to get me to look at him, but I fought him all the way.

"Then why don't you move out and get your own place, sweetheart." I pulled the covers up to my chin and buried my head in my arms.

"Because this is where my dad died. I watched him suffer for so long, he was in so much agony, even having silk sheets against his skin caused him pain and when he finally died, I was happy." I looked up at Mark, who still had his 'Alex' face on. "Can you believe that? I was happy he died." The tears started to fall but there was too many to hide.

Mark pulled me into him and I lost all strength to fight him. "That's why I stay here, that's why I can't bring myself to move out. I deserve to have to see where he died every day, I deserve to live with death." Mark held me tighter to him and tried to tell me he understood and I was wrong, but I wouldn't listen.

I stopped being soft and Mark brushed his fingers through my hair as he told me he was sorry he made me talk about my dad.

"Forget it. I'm just tired, that's all it was." I turned out the light and lay down and pulled the covers over me, while Mark propped himself up on his elbow and continued stroking my hair. The room was pitch black and silent. I wished my head was the same.

"You don't have to brush everything off, sweetheart." _I'm done talking._

"I should tell you, I might turn my back on you, but it's not because I'm being ignorant, it's just I like my own space when I go to sleep. I don't like anyone being near me."

"You told me about that, but when you are in bed with someone, how do you fall asleep in their arms?"

"I don't. I also told you I don't cuddle." _I don't like talking about this._

Mark put his hand on my shoulder and moved a little closer to me. "It's not being helpless or weak, it's intimacy. It's being close with someone. How could you never have had that?" I just shook my head. Mark laid on his back and lifted his arm up. "Here, let me show you how it's done." _Fine. Just to shut him up._

I moved across and rested my head just under his chin. It was a perfect fit. Mark wrapped his arms around me and I could feel all the energy drain away.

"See. It's not so bad is it?" I smiled and had to concede, I did feel relaxed. "No. You may have a point. But I can't sleep like this, I'm not ready for that level yet. Just baby steps for now!"

Mark ran his fingers back and forth over my arm, the lightest touch made my butterflies come back. I gently stroked his chest and I felt like I never have before. Safe. Contented.

"You can have as many steps as it takes." My brain and body were running on vapour and I didn't really register what Mark had said.

"Takes for what?" I listened to his heart beating and that was the last thing I heard.


	22. Break the Walls Down

**CHAPTER TWENTY TWO**

**Break the Walls Down**

I woke to a noise, which registered as a door being closed. I sat up and stretched and heard the sound of running water. _Sarah's in the shower._ I looked at my watch and it wasn't even seven yet. _Why does she get up so early? _I got up and took a very long shower to wake me up and get myself ready for whatever she had planned for 'my birthday' _Was she really serious about that? _It was sweet, but a bit odd. Just like she is and it's just how I like her!

I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me as I heard a soft knocking at the door. _Let's see if I can make her blush again! _I liked seeing her face that shade of red, it made me think I was getting to her. I opened the door and was greeted by the sight I liked to see and Sarah tried to look in my eyes, but I caught her gaze drifting slightly!

"What is it with me and you and a bathroom door? And why is it I'm always half dressed?" Sarah laughed and made a comment but she was still red faced.

"I brought you breakfast in bed." Sarah tilted her head towards the bed and I looked over her to see a tray with a cup of coffee, a toasted sandwich and a bagel with cream cheese. _She did that for me?_

"That's just what I need. Thank you, sweetheart."

I was tempted to sit in bed with just my towel on, because it seemed to get Sarah so flustered and I love to see her like that, but it was probably for the best if I dressed.

I got on the bed and placed the tray on my lap while Sarah was looking a bit nervous and looked towards the door. "Why don't you come sit here with me, so you can see how much I'm going to enjoy this?"

She started to make her excuses to leave, but I didn't want her going anywhere and she stayed.

I ate my toasted sandwich and my bagel and was about to drink my coffee when I noticed something under the plate. I looked at the white envelope and inside was a card with a scruffy teddy bear holding a drooping flower and 'Sorry it's late' was inscribed at the top. Inside the card Sarah had written 'Happy Birthday' and 'it's better late than never', but it was signed 'from' and not 'love from'. It was incredibly sweet of her to get me a birthday card and it was nice to see a soft, sentimental side to her.

She made a comment about it being silly, but I told her it was a sweet thing to do and I tried to take her hand, but she pulled away, making me wonder if we would ever be more than friends. Sarah started talking about what to do today and she was deflecting more than I had ever seen before.

Sarah went down and I sat on the bed trying to figure her out. She has more than once shown concern for me and she has done the unthinkable and taken time off work to spend time with me, but I still couldn't reach her, she wouldn't even let me near her. _Maybe I should show my hand first?_

I went into the kitchen and Sarah was stood at the sink washing dishes, humming away to herself. _I could corner her and tell her about that night I saw her kissing that guy.._She was dressed in her usual baggy clothes and I really wished she would dress more like she did in Baltimore, that figure hugging dress that really showed me what she hides. I felt a stirring as I thought about the shape of her ass, the perfect curve to her hips and her breasts that were almost spilling out of her outfit. _And where in the Hell does she have a tattoo?_

I stood behind her and she still didn't realise I was here, I was seriously considering turning her around and kissing her until she gave into me, until she let me see her fully. _Not the time Mark!_

I put my hands on her hips, making her jump out of her skin, but she stood still and didn't try to run. I was tempted to press myself against her ass, making her feel what she did to me, but chances are she would run and never come back.

"I never told you my 'something' yesterday." Sarah nodded, letting me know that she understood what I was referring to. I rested my chin on her shoulder and swept her hair away from her ear, so she understood me loud and clear. "When you kissed that guy the other night, I was about ready to knock his head off for touching you. I didn't want him or any one else touching you. So perhaps I was a tiny bit jealous too. Perhaps!" I mirrored her words and walked away, leaving her to take it in that she got to me. _Let's see what she has to say to that!_

I sat watching the local news on the TV set and I could heard clanging coming from the kitchen and banging of cupboard doors, I figured Sarah was putting away the dishes she had washed and was avoiding coming to talk to me. I thought about how to get her to say what she thinks and what she feels but the only time I had even seen anything close to her doing just that, she was drunk. _Unless... _My first night here, when Sarah was plastered, she looked so alive when she was yelling at me, the fire raging through her melted her icy exterior and I never realised at the time how much it made me want to see the lava that coursed through her veins. Hell, she even said I was sexy when I was angry! _Maybe that's the way to get her to open up to me... Or maybe it was just because she was drunk and not because she was pissed at me._

Sarah came through and acted like I never said anything to her in the kitchen and started talking about going to get a gift for my belated birthday.

"I thought we could go shopping and get you a present, since I never got to see you on your actual birthday." I laughed at her, and she got the cutest little look on her face.

"You once told me you didn't like shopping, didn't Stewie offer to go with you so you didn't kill anyone?"

"I don't mind shopping for someone else and I really want to get you a present. In fact, the only thing that gets me through a shopping trip is to get a gift for someone I care..." Sarah stopped in her tracks and it made me stop too. _She cares about me?_ She knew she almost said something she didn't want to admit and her expression was evident that it panicked her.

I asked her to repeat herself, giving her the chance to for once say what she feels, but she started going on and on about things to do today, completely ignoring what she almost said. _Just let me get close...close enough to touch. Close enough to see you._ She stopped her rant and asked what I was looking at.

I stood in front of her, so close that I could feel her breath on me. All I had to do was reach out and I could touch her and make her feel something for me. I mocked her slightly, saying if I asked her a question she would answer me with 'nothing.'

She looked uncomfortable that I knew her better than she thought and she asked why I was acting strangely.

"I'm not being weird, I'm just being curious. I know you're a stubborn thing and I know to get you to say how you feel would be like pulling teeth, but why don't you try it once in a while?"

I watched as she looked for an exit and tried to take it.

"Stop acting so stupid, I'll say what I want when I want." _It's working...she's getting pissed with me._ But I wasn't about to let her walk away from me, so I took her by the arm and pulled her back, making her face me. _Come on, darlin' let me see that fire in you._

She yelled at me to let go, and managed to wrangle free and gave me the biggest shove. _Not as fragile as she looks, then!_ _Let's try a little reverse psychology.. _

I told her to run away like she always does if that's what she wanted, but I forgot she was smart and she knew straight away what I was up to and told me to fuck off! _Now she's cursing, that means she is really mad!_ I could see the fire ignite in her and I loved it, the passion and life were building up in her and all I had to do was keep pushing until she told me **something** about how she feels. I had tried laughing at her before and that seemed to make her real mad, so I stood grinning at her like she was amusing me.

She started with the insults and the cuss words kept flying, but she still wasn't giving any thing away, so I thought I would try being a pig, as that seemed to piss most women off.

"How about you go in the kitchen where you belong and make me a coffee and we'll have a nice chat?"

Sarah's face almost turned purple with anger and she pointed her finger right in my face, her long nail almost taking my eye out and she let fly.

"I'm sick of your fucking Neanderthal attitude, you can take your backwards fucking views and shove them straight up your arse. You want a drink, go fucking make one cave boy." _Sick of it? When have I acted like this toward her before? _

I was a bit confused by what she meant, but seeing her come to life like that made me happy and I couldn't stop myself from laughing at the absurdity of having to act like this just to get information out of her, but the laughter did not go down well and she told me to go home because I wouldn't survive a week with her. _Is she being serious? _I had to stop and think if she would really send me packing or not. _Nah, she'll calm down!_

"I won't survive? Are you a serial killer or somethin' darlin'" I smiled at her and I wished I didn't.

"If you think you can do to me what Alex does, then you can fuck off. I don't give a shit if I don't fucking cry at Bambi, and I don't give a shit if I don't believe in love or happy ever after. I'm the way I am because I want to be and I don't give a flying fuck if you have some kind of fucking super power that makes me like you, because I WILL NOT let any one get the better of me, I've fucking grown up now. So in case you missed any of that, I'm telling you to fuck off and don't fucking speak to me." _She likes me?_

Her outburst was more than I could have imagined and I had pushed her too far. I could see the sadness in her when she yelled at me that she wouldn't let me get the better of her and I felt guilty now. I didn't expect to see any hurt in her beautiful eyes.

I could see she was waiting for me to either retaliate or to say I was sorry, but I was too stunned to form a sentence. _What has she been through to make her hurt? _She told me she had never been in love, but it seemed to me that someone had broken her heart to make her not even believe in love. Sarah raised her eyebrow at me, still waiting for an apology and I caved.

"OK, you win, I was just trying to get you to open up. I'm sorry that I made you mad." I went to take her hand, to show my sincerity, but she again pulled away and went so far as to hide her hands behind her back. Sarah had had enough of me and stomped off to the kitchen. _Fuck. She's either going to make me feel like shit for this, or she's going to poison me._

After a few minutes I plucked up the courage to go and see how she was. I almost expected a plate to fly at my head as I walked into the kitchen, but was surprised to find the smell of fresh coffee drifting through the air.

I took a seat at the breakfast table, and if looks could kill, I would be finding out if there is an afterlife!

"Can I speak to you yet sweetheart?" I tried to look like I was sorry and I think it worked because Sarah brought me a coffee and sat down with me.

"Well that depends on if you're ready to tell me why you were being a prick or not. What was all that for? What did I do?" She looked genuinely upset and I felt like a world class jerk for her thinking it was her that made me act like that. I tried my best to convey why I wanted to get her mad, and her sadness left and in walked anger.

"That was a test? Some sort of experiment to get me to tell you that I want to..." Sarah held a hand up to her mouth to stop any more words falling out and I knew right then, with absolute certainty, that she was holding something back. And it was something about me. "...Fuck you!" _Any time, any where!_

I drank my coffee and watched Sarah twist a strand of her hair around her finger time and time again and hoped that the day would come when she left her own little world behind and just talk to me about what goes through her mind. She took a deep breath and I thought she was going to say something, but she got up and washed her cup in the sink.

"You still want to go out today? It would be a shame to stay in on a day like today and I did have a few things planned for your birthday, so we could get ready and go if you want to."

I smiled at her trying to put what had happened behind her, like she could just dust down and walk it off if she tried hard enough, but I could still see that I had gotten to her and part of me was pleased that I had.

"Now who's being weird?"

We had spent a few hours hitting the tourist spots and Sarah gave me a history lesson on every place we went. I wasn't the academic type, but I loved to watch her shine and she did actually make it quite interesting and fun to listen to. When push come to shove, she could talk about ocular fluid and I wouldn't care. Her accent was intoxicating. _She is smarter than I thought. _She had told me she got a degree in History, but listening to her today, she proved that she really knew her stuff and, more importantly, she was passionate about it too.

"Lets head back and I'll pack a picnic if you want, or we could go to the famous Harvey Nichols for lunch if you want to stay in keeping with Tourist stuff." On cue, my stomach moaned at me that it was empty, so I agreed to a picnic. _Are those still considered romantic?_

After getting the picnic basket from Sarah's house, we went to a park miles away from her home and she said she was talking me to the place she likes to sit, that was almost hidden from the rest of the park. Sure enough, the spot was obscured from view by a huge Willow tree, next to a little wooden bridge that ran across a small duck pond. It was a beautiful spot.

"This is my second favourite spot to sit. I have a little part of the garden hidden away from the rest of it and I always sit there, it's where I go if I need to get away from things. It relaxes me." _Why am I not surprised she hads somewhere to hide!_

We tucked into the food and Sarah was relaxed, more relaxed than I had ever seen her before and she was almost glowing. It felt like I was finally getting her to be comfortable with me, and maybe even close.

We fed the ducks and even though the park was packed with people sunbathing and playing soccer, this place was peaceful and quiet. I watched her sit cross legged next to the duck pond and her face was illuminated by a smile. _She looks so happy._ My thoughts drifted to Providence and the way we just seemed to connect, and even though she seems to dislike physical contact of any kind, she never pulled away from me then. Nor did she in Baltimore. In fact, she tried to get me into bed! _What was so different then?_ I couldn't figure it out. I was different then too, I had been a little forward in letting her know I wanted her but since then, things have gotten...complicated. Last night things seemed so clear to me. I felt like I was falling for Sarah and today was no different. In fact, all I could think about right now was the conversation I had with Glenn all those weeks ago. His words resonated in my head. '_You can't tell me that when you look into her eyes, you can't see yourself without her.' _He was right then, and he's right now. _Am I really falling for her?_ I looked at her throwing the last piece of bread to the ducks and she looked up to me and smiled her amazing smile. My heart leapt and I knew then. _I'm falling for her. _

I listened to the birds cheeping and tried to figure out how to tell her, or even if I should. I had to think about something else, I was getting myself agitated with letting things cloud my head. If things were going to work out, then nature would take it's course, but the lack of noise made it difficult not to get lost in my thoughts. _Where's her cell? _It occurred to me that we had made it through a meal and conversation without her damn cell interrupting every five minutes.

"What's so funny?" Sarah asked, and I joked about not hearing her cell once today. She laughed too and told me that it was switched off back at home

"You're telling me that you gave up your cell phone for me? This really must be my birthday!"

Sarah gave me a sexy little giggle and I reached out to take her hand, but she snapped her hand back and she went from relaxed to on edge within a matter of seconds.

I had a choice. I could either quiz her about always backing off from me which would probably start an argument and result in her not speaking to me for the rest of the day. Or I could say nothing and hope I come across as being patient with her and spend the rest of the day talking and laughing with her.

"Sorry. I just don't hold hands." Sarah looked apologetic enough, but still kept her hands in her pockets.

I asked if she was ready to go back, I figure she would be more comfortable back home, but she told me go sit back down. "...I have something for you!" The images that went through my mind...

"What if someone walks by? Wouldn't we get arrested?" I watched with delight as her face went bright red and she just shooed me over to the blanket.

"Here." Sarah brought out a cup cake covered in chocolate frosting and had one blue candle in the middle. I had to laugh at how seriously she took this, but deep down, I was actually moved that she put this much effort and thought into giving me a good day. She took a lighter out of the basket and lit the candle. "Don't forget to make a wish first."

I already knew what I wanted. I blew the candle out and wanted to test if wishes do come true. "You wanna know what I wished for, sweetheart?" She gave me the superstition about it not coming true but looking at her being happy, I really wanted my wish.

I scooted next to her and was so close to pushing her on her back and doing more than talk to her. "I wish for a birthday kiss."

Sarah's eyes darted this way and that, looking at anything but me. _Come on, just show me you want this too._ She quickly kissed my cheek and stood up, her nervous disposition was evident and for a second, I really did wonder if she had even kissed a guy before. She was clearly on edge and I had to do something to put her at ease. I suggested we go back to her home, thinking she would be more at ease there, but she seemed to want to avoid that too.

"But I haven't got a present for you yet. We could go to Camden or Notting Hill, they have some really good independent shops there and you might find something you like." Sarah looked a bit put off with the idea of going home, but I have had enough for today. Plus, I wanted to see how she would respond to what I had in mind later.

"There is something I want, something I can't get in any store, and it's only something you can give me." Sarah blushed, but gave a coy smile too. She looked like she didn't know what to make of my comment, and as per usual, she deflected and started to tidy up the picnic. _At least she smiled. That's a start!_

"Let's get the tube back. I'm worn out!" _Tube? _Then I realised she meant the subway.

We ate sandwiches and chips for dinner, as we were still both full up from the pasta and all the other things from the picnic as we watched a boxing match on TV. I didn't know who these two guys were, it was just some bantam weight bout between two guys from South London.

"Well, that's me for the night, I'm exhausted. Who knew taking a day off work would be so tiring?" Sarah laughed to herself and got up off the couch. _But what about my plan? _I had to think of something fast to get her to delay going to bed.

"You're not going to sleep right away, are you?"

"No. I'm going to have a soak in the bath first to get the city off me. Sleep well and I'll see you in the morning."

"Oh, OK. Goodnight." _What can I do? What can I say?_

I listened as she went up the stairs and wondered if I should follow her up. _She won't refuse a cup of tea!_

I made it just the way she likes it and took it up to her room, hoping she would fall for my ploy of gaining that little bit of extra time I would need.

Her room was flooded with moonlight, the curtains were still open, but she didn't have any lights on except for the faint glow coming out from under the en-suite door. The sound of running water stopped and I prepared myself for what I was about to say to her.

I was about to knock when I hesitated. _She'll never go for this._ I knocked gently and waited for an answer.

"If I open this door, you better not be half naked out there!" That was the last thing I expected her to say and I couldn't hold back the laughter. _You, me and a bathroom door!_

The laughter faded and I had to take a deep breath to focus. I told her I brought her a cup of tea and that I wanted to talk. I could almost see the smile leave her face as she nervously told me to give her ten minutes.

Looking at the night sky out of the window, I started to change my mind. Not about how I feel, but about telling her and asking her to let me in her life. _I'll just see if she lets me into her bed first._

"What is it Mark?" I never even heard Sarah come into the room and I couldn't hold back a sigh. _Am I doing the right thing? Am I ready to let some one in my life again?_

I felt her hands on me, giving reassurance when she didn't even know I needed it. The warmth of her hands seeped through my shirt, it warmed me too. She asked if I was OK, and the concern in her voice shone through. _Does she really care about me?_ I turned to see if her eyes would tell me and they spoke volumes.

"Sweetheart...don't worry about me. I've just got a lot on my mind right now and being tired just makes things difficult to resolve, that's all it is."

"What is it what you wanted to talk about? Is it your wife?" _My fucking what?_ I had to calm myself. I never wanted Sarah to talk about her again. I wasn't going to let her ruin what could be. _What could be..._ I wrapped my arms around her, and she didn't pull away, she didn't even flinch. Her hands rested on my chest and everything felt familiar. Out side the hotel in Providence, her hotel room in Baltimore. Her club! She just had an incredible ability to make everything feel like it was going to be all right when she put her hands on my chest and looked into my eyes. Almost as if she kept her hands on my heart long enough, she could mend it.

Sarah asked if I wanted to talk about it and I could see her heart through all the stone she had built a wall with.

"Well do you want me to go if you're so tired? We could talk in the morning." _I never want you to go._

"No, sweetheart, I don't want you to go. I want you here with me tonight." I looked into her eyes and was convinced I was falling for her. "Remember when I said I wanted a gift, but I wouldn't get it in any store?" Sarah looked worried, probably wondering if I was asking her to finish the kiss we had started all that time ago. _How do I say this without sounding like a pig? _"well.. the thing is..." _I can't make it sound any better than 'I want to share a bed with you'. _"I asked you for the whole night, and that's what I want. I liked falling asleep with you the other night and I want to do it again." It was the only way to make it sound what I had intended.

Sarah looked puzzled and I could see her searching for an answer, and for once, she told me what she was thinking. "Er..I have no idea how to respond to that." _Nothing deep and meaningful, but honest none the less!_

"What do you say, sweetheart? You gonna be sleeping next to me tonight?" I could see the smile on her face, telling me she remembered what I said to her in the elevator last time we met.

"Er...OK. Just don't snore!"

I closed the curtains as Sarah turned on the bedside lamp and tried to get in the same side of the bed as me. I teased her that it was my side of the bed and I gently pushed her away, she came back at me with a harder push and a bigger laugh. We carried on laughing with each other until she punched me in my arm and it really hurt! I told her to watch it with her right hooks, then she told me she was a lefty. _Great. She would probably break bones with a left hook!_ I didn't want to find out, so I gave in and I went to other side of the bed. It felt great having fun with her like that.

I tried to get comfortable, but it just didn't feel right being at this side, and I didn't even have the pillow I had gotten used to! I turned on my side and Sarah was laying on her back, hands on her chest and she looked a bit nervous, but this was my chance to get her to open up to me. I asked her to talk to me about something, but she started being funny and began a bed time story. I gave her a nudge and asked her to be serious and to tell me why she's never home.

I eventually got it out of her, but at a price. I forced her to talk about something that was obviously painful for her and I held her tight to me as she cried her eyes out.

"Sweetheart, any one would be relieved to see the suffering end. You wasn't happy that he had died, you were happy because he wasn't in pain any more and you don't have to feel like it was your fault or that you deserve to be haunted, you have to move on and think about the happy times."

She never said a word for ten minutes until she had calmed herself. It was a selfish thing to think, but I felt I knew her better and that she trusted me enough not to put up too much of a fight and that made me feel like this really was the start of something.

I lifted her chin and I looked into her eyes, that were now a beautiful turquoise colour, and brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm sorry I asked you about that, I never knew it would have been about your dad. I just wanted to know you a little more. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

As fast as her walls came tumbling down, she started rebuilding them just as quick.

"Forget it. I'm just tired, that's all it was." She turned off the light and lay back on the bed. I told her she didn't have to evade everything, but she must have thought that's what I was telling her to do, because she did exactly that. She started talking about having her own space in bed and I shouldn't be offended when she turns her back on me. I asked her how she fell asleep in someone's arms since she liked her own space. She reminded me she doesn't cuddle and the resolve in her voice was telling me she never would. _She is so damaged._ I tried to assure her that it wasn't weak, it was intimate. I needed to show her how good it could feel and I needed her to know that I want to be close to her. I raised my arm and Sarah obliged my invitation. She nestled her head on me and her hand found it's way to my chest. This was perfect. I held her and wanted to hold her forever. I could feel her relax and I told her that it wasn't so bad after all and I felt her smile.

"...You may have a point. But I can't sleep like this, I'm not ready for that level yet. Just baby steps for now!" _Please don't move from here._ I didn't want her to push away, but I also knew that this probably felt like a big step for her and I shouldn't push my luck.

"You can have as many steps as it takes." Sarah was running her fingers over my chest and it felt electric. It made me feel like anything is possible.

"Takes for what?" _To fall for me..._ Like I was falling for her. And falling hard. I felt my heart swell and I knew that it was the right time to tell her. "To feel for me what I feel for you."

Silence. "Sarah?" Silence. _She's asleep. I can't believe she fell asleep on me._ I held her close to me and could hear her breathing, deep and even. I never want to let her go.


	23. A Walk in Space

**CHAPTER TWENTY TWO**

**A Walk in Space.**

I could see the dim digital display of the alarm clock. 5:42. It was already light outside and I usually got up at this hour but the first time in a long time, I turned over on to my side and decided to go back to sleep.

Mark began to stir as he moved his arm across my hip and shifted closer to me, the warmth of his body and his breath on the back of my neck catapulted me straight to Tinglesville. Mark's hand started squeezing my hip and without conscious thought involved, I reached my arm back and touched his leg, the feeling of cotton disappeared and my fingertips were met by the heat of the back of his thigh. I pushed myself backwards, my bum nestling on his thighs, like I was sat on his lap and Mark responded by sliding his hand down my leg and gliding back up again over and over, his head inched closer to the back of my neck, his breath becoming hotter and deeper.

"Mark, are you awake?" I whispered.

"Unless you get out of this bed, there won't be much of me left that isn't awake, darlin'" He kissed the side of my neck just behind my ear, a few inches above the spot that would stop my thoughts all together. His kisses were soft and lingering, the voices in my head screamed that we shouldn't do this, but the heat was rising and my heart was pounding so loudly that the voice was nothing more than a whisper. Mark's hand glided up over my oversized t-shirt, every sensation heightened through the haziness of waking and his every caress set me on fire and I couldn't fight the flames.

I feebly tried to tell Mark that this would be a mistake, but I don't think my voice carried because Mark's lips found my hot spot and there were no more voices, no more thoughts except one. _Let it burn._

I pushed myself back, as close to him as I could get, and was met with a very hard and very big surprise. _That'll hurt! _Mark's hand immediately slid back down and lifted my t-shirt slightly and started squeezing my bum.

"Tell me to stop." Mark whispered to me, but I never replied, I couldn't. I was in and out of conscious thought, words and thoughts blended together and I was at a loss to think straight. "Just know that if I kiss you, I won't be able to control myself." _So kiss me._

I turned on my back, Mark's knee pushed it's way in between mine, forcing my legs to part, and manoeuvred himself over me. His weight pressing down on me almost pushed all the air out of my lungs, but I didn't care. I couldn't keep my hands from exploring the expanse of his back, my legs drawing up, so I could feel his hardness against me all the more. His skin felt hot to the touch, melting any doubts into a puddle. _We shouldn't do this...but..._

I fought with all my might that I couldn't lose control, but Mark went straight back to kissing my neck and my rational thoughts went straight back into the abyss.

"I love the way you feel." Mark held one of my hands down over my head, while his other explored anywhere he could reach. "I want you so fucking much."

I reached my one free hand down in between us, feeling him squirm as I reached his stomach and the waistband of his boxers. _I want this. I want him. _I reached into his shorts and teased him with my finger tips, his words became jumbled and I liked it so much it me want to see what else I could make him do. _What does he like? _

"Mark..." My words were cut short by his lips against mine, I opened my mouth to taste him deeper and he took full advantage. The kiss become fuelled with such hunger and such need, my hand tightened around his full length and I started to move, just slowly at first. Mark let a low rumble escape from his throat and he kissed me harder still. _God, he's so...mmmm. _ His hand travelled under my t-shirt, finding it's way to my breasts, his touch so light and so proficient it sent me on a downward spiral that I could never hope to escape.

"I fucking love your hand on me. God, baby, I fucking love how hard you make me."

Mark's softly spoken words were turning me on, like I have never been turned on before, I let go of the faintest whisper telling me this was wrong and let the flames devour me. Mark jolted slightly, I must have inadvertently tickled him or something, but his kiss slowed, his pace slowed and his lips trailed their way down my throat and back to my hot spot, his kisses became teasing and it brought me to the brink of wanting to give up the fight. _Maybe he wants me to slow down too. _I took my hand off him, and started to _pull __down his shorts._

I managed to free him of his boxers and I could feel him against me, so close to being as close to him as I could possibly be and I wanted it, I wanted to feel him inside of me. Mark let go of my other hand, and pulled my thighs open, readying me for his push into me. _Am I going to do this? Am I going to forget him?_

Mark whispered my name and he let it linger before whispering to me again. "...stay with me...don't leave..." _He thinks I'm his fucking wife? _

I pushed him off me and ran out of the room as fast as my legs could carry me. _He still loves his wife...He doesn't want her to leave him._ I locked myself in the bathroom and fell to the floor, breathing became painful and laboured, I felt a sting behind my eyes and fought not to fall apart. _Why did I let him make me feel? How could I let him make me feel..happy?_

I was torn from my thoughts by a banging on the door. "Get out here and talk to me. What the fuck was that about?" I never answered and Mark kept pounding on the door, his voice getting louder and it opened a whole other can of shit. A fear gripped my chest that I swore I would never feel again. I learned to fight so I didn't have to be a frightened little girl any more, but Mark's voice and his size were more than any self defence class could handle.

"Stop being so fucking stubborn and open this door now." Mark kept pounding on the door and I had a feeling he was going to bang straight through it. "Open this fucking door. What the fuck was that all about? What the fuck is going on with you?"

"Just leave me alone. Go away." In my head, I put so much venom in what I wanted to say, but what fell from my mouth was nothing more than a pathetic plea.

The banging on the door stopped and his voice softened, his demands turned to pleas, but I was too smart to fall for that again. The times I used to lock myself in a room while Eddie would be yelling and threatening me, but then he would appear calm and tell me he was sorry and that he would never do it again when in truth he only said it to get me to come out so he could really show me how much I pissed him off. _Not again._

"Please come out here and tell me what I've done." Mark banged his fist on the door one more time and he fell silent. _Has he gone? _ I stood up and put my ear against the door, I couldn't hear anything but my heart thumping. I put my hand on the door handle and poised myself to unlock the door, but as I was about to turn the handle, Mark started pleading with me to come out again. _Shit. I need my phone. I need to call Stewie._

"Please sweetheart, please just come out here and talk to me. Did I do something to upset you? Did I hurt you?" _Yeah. You thought I was your wife. _ I dried the tears he made me cry and told him once again to go away, but he wouldn't shift from guarding the door.

"I'm not going any where, please just tell me what I've done." _You used me to get back at your wife for cheating on you._ "Sarah." _Eh? _

"You never call me that." I thought I was just thinking to myself, but Mark asked me what I was talking about. _Fuck hiding. I am NOT a victim. Not again. I'm going to show him not to fuck with me and my...feelings?_

I opened the door and Mark was leaning against the door frame and almost jumped out of his skin. "Fuck...you move fast for a little lady." Mark put on a pathetic attempt of a smile, but I saw something in his eyes. He was sorry. _But sorry for what? Will he admit to what he has done?_

"Why did you call me Sara?" I was of course asking why he said the things to me he wanted to say to his wife, but Mark was pleading ignorance. "I don't mean just now. I mean in bed."

"I don't understand, sweetheart." To his credit, he did look at a loss.

"You said Sara...and other things." I couldn't even bring myself to say the words.

Mark let out a huge groan and started pacing up and down. "You're upset because I called you by your name? How can you be upset about that, but not bothered by what I said?" _Is he really trying put this on me? Well..it ain't happening!_

"No Mark, I'm not upset. I'm PISSED OFF because you said things to me that you wanted to say to your wife."Mark dropped onto my bed like all the strength had left his body and he started to laugh. "What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"Nothin'. I can't believe how wrong I got this." Mark got up and left my room and went into his. _Wrong? What the Hell is he talking about? _I was left more confused than ever and there was nothing in me, no reasoning or logic, that could help make sense of this.

I took a shower and got dressed before going to the kitchen to boil the kettle and then it all made sense to me. _ I woke up in the Twilight Zone!_ It was a reach, I admit, but at least it made more sense than what has transpired thus far. Mark shouted through to me that he was going out and slammed the front door behind him. _That's right, run away..._ I had my full on defiance mood flowing and I couldn't give a crap if he stayed out all day. _God damn you for making me feel weak._

It wasn't long before my stubbornness subsided and the thoughts crept in. His closeness, his warmth. Images of this morning flooded my mind and it made me take real notice of the voices that I had tried to keep quiet for a long time. _I want to be with him. I want to let him in. _The kiss this morning made me realise that sex with Mark wouldn't make me forget him, the kiss had planted him firmly in my system and he wasn't going anywhere. He was in my head, in my blood and in my every thought.

So much so, that my thoughts didn't hear him come back.

"I'm going to get you plastered." A bottle of Becks appeared in front of me and I looked up to find Mark with a look I hadn't seen on him before. "Drink up."

"It's lunch time, I'm not drinking this early." I pushed the bottle of beer away and Mark sat down at the kitchen table opposite me, the look of resolve got stronger.

"I want to get you drunk because that's the only time you say what you think. So get drunk or talk. Either way, I want to know what the Hell is going on."

"Why are you so interested in what makes me tick? It's not like you're visiting me to swap recipes. I know why you are here and that's why you were mad at me. You didn't get what you came for." _That was harsh! _ My mouth did have a tendency to run away with it's self, even though I knew he was just here for sex, but I could have been a bit more tactful. Mark looked absolutely dumbfounded by my remark and I could see it pissed him off. I couldn't blame him. "Sorry." I tired to think of what to say to ease things, but there were no words.

"Well, if you think I flew all this way just to get laid, then I guess we really don't have anything to talk about do we, Sarah?" _That last part hurt._ Mark walked away and it bothered me that I had upset him, but I was also confused. The last two times we had met, it seemed obvious to me that he thought he could bed me and then throw this morning into the mix... what else could I think?

I had done a lot of thinking and after watching Mark walk away from me, it made me realise I didn't want to see him do it ever again. Not now. Not ever. _What is he doing to me? How is it he can make me feel?_

Mark was in his room and I stood motionless, trying to pluck up the courage to knock. _What can I say to make things better? Why does it feel like my heart hurts?_

I finally knocked and Mark took a few seconds to answer. He stood in the doorway, not looking particularly pleased with my presence.

"I'm so sorry for what I said. My brain doesn't have much of a filter and I can't always stop what falls out of my mouth." I tried my sad little girl look that used to wrap my dad around my little finger, but it wouldn't wash with Mark. His muscles tightened in his jaw and what was usually a deep, luscious voice turned to hissing.

"What bothers me, darlin' is that you did think that, but you're just sorry about how it was said. Do you really think of me that way?" _Good question. Do I?_ "I know you have issues with honesty, but now would be a good time to get over it." _Don't get mad...Don't get mad..._

"Why would I think of you any other way? I haven't had anything else to go on, have I?" As soon as I opened my mouth, I realised I had screwed up again. "Sorry. I'm just not used to these kinds of conversations." I really wasn't, but something about Mark compelled me to not give up and to try. Any other person I would have walked away long ago. Hell, any other person and I wouldn't give a flying crap that I hurt their feelings.

"Look, darlin', I know you have a big bitchy chip on your shoulder, but can you tell it to shut up for one minute?" I had that many swear words trying to come out of my mouth at the same time that the words got stuck. "Come here." Mark opened his bedroom door fully and stepped aside for me to go in.

I looked at the bed and I felt my cheeks burn at the memories that would now plague me every time I come into this room in future and I felt sad that there may not be any more memories to be made.

"Are you going to tell me what this morning was all about?" Mark sat on the bed and I sat next to him not really wanting to discuss this but I had to. I couldn't watch him give up on me, like every one else had. "Tell me why you thought I was talking about my ex-wife."

I told him my reasoning and he laughed at me. _I'm going to punch that laugh right out of his chest..._ I got up before I actually did, and Mark asked me not to run away, not knowing I got up for his safety!

"I'm not running away. I want to stand up and I want you to stop laughing before I do walk out of here." The smirk on his face disappeared and he apologised to me.

"Fine. You want to tell me what it is you got wrong and why you insist on being a prick and keep laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing at you, sweetheart, I'm laughing at the situation. All the times you tell me to call you by your name..." Mark started to laugh away to himself and I had to see the funny side too. "I never call you by your name because I don't want you to think that I'm thinking about my ex-wife, and I know this morning was probably the worst time to start...but honestly..." Mark looked all serious and I was about to make a joke how it was a stereotype that Americans supposedly didn't understand irony, but Mark's words made my heart explode, my brain stall and my mouth lock open. "...you're the only Sarah I want. I was just asking you to let me in your life and to not run away. That's what I got wrong. The timing."

Mark walked over to me and tried to take my hand, which I promptly snatched back. I saw the look on his face and it made me wish I could be like other people and just give in to how I feel or even do something as simple as hug or hold hands, but it was impossible for me.

"Sweetheart, I don't know the real reasons it's so tough for you to just let go and I'm never going to give up on you, but you have to try too. Please just find some way to let me know if you'll let me in your life." _The stars aren't_ _out of reach, my baby girl._ My dad's words resonated throughout my head and it always made me try harder, learn more and be more determined every time he said it to me.

Things started to work again. I could feel life surging through me and my heart felt less heavy. I was like a computer that had been rebooted after it had crashed. I took a step forward and reached out and held Mark's hand in mine. I could feel the smile sweep across my face and my darkness seemed a little lighter. _One small step for man..._

"I meant what I said last night thoguh. Just baby steps." I took one more step closer to Mark,my heart felt ready to burst.

"And I said you can have as many steps as it takes, but I may make you walk a little faster at times!" Mark then pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. No breaks, no panic. Just happiness. _One giant leap..._


	24. Progress

**CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR**

**Progress**

Sarah waking next to me scared me. We had shared the same bed only twice, but it was already feeling comfortable and it was a feeling I wanted to hold on to. I turned over to hold on to her a while longer before she got up but as soon as I touched her, everything began to stir. Sarah made a gentle 'mmm' noise and it was music to my ears. My blood started rushing in the wrong direction and if she got too close to me, she would be able to feel what touching her did to me. She shifted slightly and I thought this was the part where she told me to piss off, but she didn't. I felt her warm hand on my leg, gently stroking until she reached the back of my thigh and nestled in closer to me. _Does she want this? How far can I push her? _ She shuffled backwards, parking her ass against my thighs and I was close to losing my shit. _How far can she push me? _

She asked if I was asleep and I gave her the option to end this before it really gets started, but she stayed exactly where she was.

Kissing the back of her neck was greeted with more sexy noises from her and it spurred me on all the more, I lost control of my hands, they began searching her body, looking for wherever pleased her. Her nipples tightened under her tee and I wished she would turn over so I could put my mouth to them.

"We shouldn't..." Sarah tried to tell me this was a mistake, but she lacked the conviction to make me stop, especially when I kissed her on the curve of her neck, where it met her shoulder. _I found a sweet spot!_ Listening to her breathy moans made me want to fuck her until they turned to screams. She pushed herself back even closer to me, so close there was no space for air between us, she wriggled her ass right up to my cock and kept wriggling. _Fucking Christ. I want to fuck her like this._ I felt the hot flesh of her ass and couldn't take my hand away, it was such a delicious change to be with a woman who had a bit of meat on her. _I can't control this much longer._ I was getting harder and Sarah was getting hotter, one kiss from her would be all it would take for me to give in to how she was making me feel.

I gave her the chance to stop, warning her what finishing our kiss that started long ago would do to me, I listened intently for any protest, but all I heard was a faint whisper that drove me almost insane.

"So kiss me." _She wants this._ Sarah turned on her back, a subtle invitation to feel her under me and I took it.

Her legs clasped around me, letting me know she wanted me to stay where I was. I had no intention of fucking going any where! My hands couldn't stop feeling her hot thighs, her curved hips. My lips couldn't stop kissing her neck, finding the sweet spot that made her wriggle under me. The tingles and the electricity ran through me and had no where to go until I was inside that hot, wet place that would make me lose my soul to her.

I felt her fingertips in the top of my shorts and I realized right at that moment how much I needed her to touch me, to bring me to the brink and then take all of me in her. Her every touch was like a preview of what she could really do to me if she wanted to, her touch was teasing and torturous, slow and deliberate. I had never been touched in such a way, her gentle exploration of my cock drove me more crazy than I ever had been beofre.

I looked into her eyes, they danced with fire as she slowly bit down on her bottom lip. _Fucking Hell, she's so fucking sexy. _

"Mark..." _ Fuck...the way she says my name...fuck._ I kissed her to stop the seductive way she said my name from losing what little control I had left, but her lips against mine, her tongue tasting me made me lose it anyway.

I gave her everything I had with the kiss I had waited so long for and she responded in kind. I had never been kissed like it and I was in danger of becoming addicted. _I need to touch her.._ But my thoughts were cut short by Sarah's hand wrapping tightly around my cock and moved up and down in a slow rhythm, god it felt fucking amazing, but the need to touch her was still there and stronger than ever.

I slid my hand under her tee and her skin was so hot and so soft that my fingers glided over her with ease. I touched her breast, and she let out a moan as I grazed the underside of the soft smooth flesh. _Did I just find another sweet spot? _I went back to the same place, caressing her slowly and another barrage of sexy noises escaped her lips. _Yep!_

Her hand gripped my cock tighter still and her rhythm quickened, almost bringing me off and I didn't have the strength to stop it. I whispered in her ear how much I love her touching me and then a thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. _I love her. I'm not falling in love... I am in love._

I became more aware of what was going on and I became aware of never wanting anyone else in my life.

From this moment on, she was the only Sarah I wanted in my life. No Sarah with an 'h', no Sarah that I met backstage, no Sarah from England. She is My Sarah.

I could feel the tip of my cock against her entrance, just one push and I would be inside her. _But this is her first time.._ It was tough for most women to accommodate me without being a virgin and I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to think that this was all I wanted and that I was like all the other guys she said have tried to get her into bed before, so I braced myself to tell her how I feel for her.

"Sarah..."_ Maybe if I push in to her as I say I love her, then maybe it will be easier on her._ I whispered to her that I wanted her to stay with me, that I didn't want her to leave me and as I was about to tell her I love her, she pushed me off her before I could finish. She flew out of the room and I didn't know what the fuck to think.

_What the fuck...? She wanted this, I know she did so what the fuck is going on?_

I heard a loud bang as she slammed a door in her room and I got out of bed and pulled my jeans on.

Maybe leaving her to calm down or to come out of hiding was probably the best thing to do, but I wasn't about to give her time to come up with some excuse or some way to get out of talking to me. I pounded on the door, telling her to come out and talk to me, but she stayed silent. I knew she was stubborn and I knew she was probably use to people just leaving her to calm down, but she wasn't going to her get her way this time.

"Get out of there and just fucking talk to me, stop hiding and come out." I was met with more silence and I was getting pissed at her blowing hot and cold with me. "Open this fucking door. What the fuck was that all about? What the fuck is going on with you?"

"Just leave me alone. Go away." Her quiet voice barely made it to my ears and I thought I heard her sniffle. _ Is she crying? What the fuck have I done? _The thought of her being on the other side of the door crying broke my heart. I thought she was just being stubborn and freaking out that she got so close to me, it never occurred to me she was upset.

"Sweetheart, what ever it is I have done, I'm sorry. Just come out here and talk to me." I heard more sniffles but no reply. _Jesus Christ, what have I done? _

"Please come out here and tell me what I've done." I couldn't hear anything. I walked away from the door, trying to make sense of what had happened and then it hit me. _Did I lose control and push her too far? Did I push into her? _I didn't think I did, but what if I had hurt her? What if she was upset because I caused her pain? I couldn't bare the thought and I asked her one more time to come out and tell me if I had hurt her and I could hear now that she was upset.

"Please Mark, please just leave me alone." Her voice trembled, but it was louder now. I asked her again to come out of there, but she didn't speak and didn't open the door._ What the fuck did I do to her?_

"...Sarah..." I was about to tell her I was going to make her a cup of tea and leave her to calm down, when she spoke up.

"You never call me that." _What?_

"What are you talking about?" I had almost given up on her cryptic behavior, when she opened the door and it startled me.

Her eyes were the same turquoise color as they were last night when she got upset and it left a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. _I made her cry._

Her expressions were unreadable and she looked like she was readying for battle. She asked - well more like demanded - to know why I called her by her name and I was confused.

"Is this why you've come out of there? Because I stopped with the pet names you insisted I didn't use?" If that was the only reason she was talking to me, then she could have her battle.

"I don't mean just now. I mean in bed." She folded her arms across her and waited for an answer, but I was really confused now. I asked what she meant, and threw in a pet name just to see how she would react, but the pet name didn't bother her in the slightest.

She started to, quite angrily, tell me that I had said 'Sarah', but then her voice lost momentum and she dropped her head. "..and other things." _Is she fucking kidding? She's pissed because I said her name?_ I thought she would have at least said something about what I did actually say to her, but she had a bug up her ass for using her name. _What the fuck should that matter?_

"You're upset because I called you by your name? How can you be upset about that, but not bothered by what I said?" I looked to her to explain this to me before my head exploded and I saw her go from a little bit pissed off to really fucking mad.

"No Mark, I'm not upset. I'm PISSED OFF because you said things to me that you wanted to say to your wife."I was fucking stunned. I lay on her bed to stop me from walking over and shaking some fucking sense into her. I said to myself all along that I didn't call her by her name so she didn't think I was talking about that bitch. The one time I do and._..._I couldn't hold back the laughter. The irony was ridiculous.

Sarah asked what was so funny and I know because she was cursing I should try to curb her temper, but I couldn't stop laughing and I couldn't resist getting my own back on her.

"Nothin'. I can't believe how wrong I got this." I used her favorite answer for everything and she didn't have a clue what I was laughing at. The utter confusion on her face was a beautiful picture and I walked away satisfied that I had made her feel how she made me feel so many times before.

I took a quick shower and I was still astounded by what had happened. _Why the fuck does she think I'd want Sara?_ Women and their issues were something I steer clear of and today wasn't going to be any different, but I did need to know what was going on with her. She cried because she thought it wasn't her I wanted, she got jealous thinking I'd fucked some stranger and she always had such strong emotional reactions to me so for someone who played things close, she gave a lot away. Not the things I wanted to know, but still, she must feel something for me to react how she does. _I have to know what her damage is._

I text Stewie to ask him to meet me. He seemed to be the only person she confided in and I just hoped he wasn't loyal in her confidence.

I went to the front door and waited for Stewie to come pick me up. He suggested that the best way to talk about women was over caffeine.

I finally got into Stewie's car. It took me a few seconds to remember that the passenger side in America was the drivers side in England.

"Tell me what's happened." Stewie pulled away from Sarah's house and I told him to stop off somewhere so I could buy a pack of smokes first.

We arrived at a quiet cafe and Stewie ordered us both a coffee and we sat in a corner sipping away as I tried to figure out what to tell him.

"What has she done this time?" Stewie was the first to speak and I didn't know how to tell him that I had upset his sister.

"Sarah hasn't done anything. It was me." I took a mouthful of coffee and told him that we went to bed together. "I thought we were getting closer, I though she was starting to let me in because last night she fell asleep in my arms and she seemed so happy..."

"WHOA! She fell asleep on you? What the fuck did you do? Drug her?" When I stopped laughing at him, I saw that part of him was being serious.

"No. Nothing of the sort, she was just...happy to. But anyway. When we woke this morning, I cuddled up to her and she started to..." _ Fuck...this is her brother I'm talking to. _"...touch me." I waited for him to tell me that he didn't want to hear any more, but he actually wanted details.

"And..? Did you fuck her?" He almost looked hopeful that I did, and I was a bit confused.

"No, but we were so close...I was just about to tell her how I feel about her, thinking it would let her know her first time meant something and then..." I was halted by Stewie laughing so loud that the other people in the cafe looked at him. _So she's not a virgin then?_

Tears steamed down his face as he tried to ask if Sarah told me she was a virgin.

"No she didn't, but you told me before that she hates men and then I asked if she had ever had a man in her bed and she wouldn't answer. I thought at first you were trying to tell me she was gay but.." Stewie fell into fits of laughter again, so much so, he knocked his coffee over and almost fell of the chair.

It took about ten minutes for Stewie to calm down and a waitress came over and cleaned the table.

"Look, I'm sorry for laughing, I just can't believe you thought she was a virgin. That is going in my diary!" He started to chuckle again but controlled it this time. "Sorry. Tell me why things went south."

"I tried to tell her that I wanted to be with her, but then she flew out of the bed and locked herself in her bathroom. I was banging on the door and yelling, but she wouldn't come out. She did eventually, but she is one stubborn lady!"

Stewie wasn't laughing any more. He wasn't even smiling. He got up of his chair and looked really pissed off with me. "If I go back there and find bruises on her, I will fucking kill you. She isn't going through that again." _Bruises? What? _I was about to knock him on his skinny ass for threatening me and for thinking I laid a hand on her when the penny dropped. _Not going through that again.._

"What do you mean by again?"

Stewie's face dropped. "Oh mother fuck. She hasn't told you has she?"

I was confused and still pissed. "Told me what? I swear if I get the same cryptic shit out of you too I'll.." I didn't need to finish the sentence.

"Dude, you may be The Undertaker, but I'll be the Dead Man if she knows I let this slip. You may be fucking huge and you're hands are the same size as my head, but Sarah scares me more." I felt the anger drain from me and I saw his point.

"Yeah, she scares me too." _It scares me that she'll cut me out of her life completely._

"Look, I can't tell you the whole story, but one reason Sarah doesn't trust anyone and one reason she swore she'd never get close to anyone is because she really cared about her last real boyfriend, she wasn't in love with him, but she was falling. She found out he cheated on her and when she confronted him, he hit her. And I mean really hit her. Put her in the hospital and everything." _Jesus Fucking Christ._

"I swear I never... I would never..." I felt like such an asshole. No wonder she wouldn't come out of the bathroom. No wonder I made her cry. _You are such a fucking prick Mark. Well done big guy._

"I'm not supposed to talk about it, even with her and if she knows I've let on to you, she would kill me. And I mean she would literally wrap her hands around my throat and choke off my air supply. She would fucking kill me."

I went outside for a smoke and to clear my head. I hated anyone who hit women and I hated it even more that some cunt hit Sarah. My Sarah.

Back inside the cafe, I told Stewie exactly what pissed Sarah off, that she thought I was talking about my ex wife.

"I can sort of see why she thought that. She always complains to me that you use pet names for her, and it does piss her off. Alex calls her kiddo, I call her whatever falls out of my mouth, Stevie used to call her baby girl. No one ever calls her by her name and the one time someone does, it happens to be the same name as his wife!" Stewie started to laugh again, and I joined in. "Talk about saying the right name at the wrong time!"

I walked in and Sarah was sat at the kitchen table, hair twirling and looking lost. _Will she ever tell me what happened to her? _I felt like a piece of shit for frightening her and I still felt sick to my stomach that someone would hurt her like that. _I have to watch my step. I can't lose my temper in front of her again. Even though she thought I was sexy when I got angry!_ I smiled thinking about the fire in her when she was drunk. _I can't piss her off to get her to talk, so drunk it is!_

I took a bottle of beer out of the fridge and she never even noticed. _I hope she's not thinking of telling me to leave._

I gave her the beer and told her I wanted her to talk.

"Why are you so interested in what makes me tick? It's not like you're visiting me to swap recipes. I know why you are here and that's why you were mad at me. You didn't get what you came for." _Is she fucking serious?_ I couldn't form any words, even if my life depended on it. I was so shocked at her little theory that I reconsidered staying here at all.

Sarah looked just as shocked as I must have at what came out of her mouth, but I knew her better now and I'd stake my first Harley on the fact she was more bothered about saying it out loud than for thinking it. She muttered a feeble apology, but I didn't want to hear it.

"Well, if you think I flew all this way just to get laid, then I guess we really don't have anything to talk about do we, Sarah?" I walked away from her, knowing that calling her by her proper name must have been a kicker, but I hoped it would sink in that she had gone too far.

I my cell up to my room and walked up and down on the thick carpet, trying to walk off the anger, but it never wavered. Even after calling back home and waking Will up from a deep sleep and a hangover still didn't amuse me or make me feel better, but he did tell me to leave her alone and not talk to her again until she sorted her life out. I couldn't do that, I couldn't walk away from her no matter how much I wanted to sometimes. She was in my heart now and she would just have to get used to me being around as much as possible.

I heard a knock on the door. _Here we go again..._ I opened the door but blocked her from coming in. She had a sheepish look on her face and I kind of liked seeing her on my side of the fence for once.

She made her apology and tried to be cute with it, but I wasn't going to let her think this was over. She had serious issues and she had to realize I'm not her last boyfriend, I'm not one of those guys who just wanted to use her. I asked if she really did think of me like that, of just wanting sex from her, and then she made me have to count to ten.

"Why would I think of you any other way? I haven't had anything else to go on, have I?" She tried to apologize again, but even though what she said pissed me off, I had to concede that she may have a point. Every time we had met we come close to kissing and close to having sex. I've flirted with her and I've asked her to spend the night with me, so what else would she think? She was right, but I wasn't going to let her know that!

I invited her into my room and she immediately looked over to the bed, her cheeks burning with the same flashbacks I got every time I looked at the bed too. She came and sat next to me on the bed, but not too close, and I asked about why she got so mad and she gave me the same as she did earlier, but with a little extra.

"When you said her...my name, I thought you meant me, but then you said stay with me and don't leave. I had already thought you were upset about your divorce, then with what you said this morning, I assumed you didn't want your marriage to be over and it hurt because I thought you were just using me to get back at her for cheating on you."

I didn't know whether to hug her or holler at her for being so soft in the head. I had to laugh at all of this craziness and I think it offended Sarah, but I couldn't help it. She got up to leave, clearly mad that I wasn't taking her feelings seriously.

"Don't run away again, I want to talk this out with you." I managed to get her to stay in the same room, but she wouldn't sit back down.

"I'm not running away. I want to stand up and I want you to stop laughing before I do walk out of here." She stood, arms folded and I think I really have hurt her feelings. I said I was sorry and she asked me to explain what I found funny. I started to tell her about purposely avoiding calling her Sarah to avoid this exact situation and she found it funny too. She flashed her amazing smile and gave her little giggle that I found so sexy. _Finish what you started. Show her she can think of me another way._

"...you're the only Sarah I want in my life. I was just asking you to let me in your life and to not run away. That's what I got wrong. The timing." I saw her mouth open but no words came out. I got up and tried to take her hand, to let her know I was serious, but she did what she did every other time. She pulled her hand out of my reach and almost looked violated.

I hung my head, as I couldn't bare to see her walk out, when she stepped close to me and put her hand in mine. _Does this mean she's willing to try? _No sooner had I thought it, she answered my question, telling me she still wants to stick to her baby steps. She took another step closer to me, and I couldn't resist the urge to do one thing I have wanted to do since we talked all night in Baltimore. I pulled her into me and hugged her. She didn't fight it and she didn't tense, she just nestled her head into my neck under my chin and brought her hand up to my chest. She fit there perfectly.


	25. My Perfect Place

**CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE**

**My Perfect Place.**

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful, I went for a late lunch with Elle as I missed breakfast while Mark said he needed to see if he could get some anti-inflammatory tablets for his shoulder because he had ran out. I said I would get him some ibuprofen on the way back, but he said he needed stronger ones and would have to get them from a doctor.

I met Mark near Tower Bridge and we took a walk along the Embankment, before dark clouds threatened the unusually warm April weather.

"Why don't we go up there and wait out the rain?" Mark pointed to the London Eye but I chickened out.

"No! I'm scared of heights and that thing moves so slowly I would hyperventilate and pass out before we were half way around!"

"Come on! Don't be so melodramatic!" Mark playfully tugged my arm but I wouldn't budge from my perfectly rational fear!

"You go up and I'll sit down here with a coffee. That's the only deal I'm laying on the table. Take it or leave it!" I put my spoiled little brat face on and Mark gave up.

"Fine! You spoil my fun! And since when do you drink coffee?"

We got into a discussion about hot beverages but then the rain started to lightly fall, the kind of fine misty stuff that soaks you through before you realise it.

We decided on taking a walk around the London Aquarium as it was near by. We spent an hour in there before the rain subsided and headed back to Knightsbridge and strolled along there, just window shopping before we walked towards the Natural History Museum, or the Geological Museum as some people called it.

"Another museum, darlin'?" Mark looked bored before we had even got into the building.

"Sorry. I know I ramble on a bit about unimportant stuff! What do you want to do instead?"

Mark stroked his beard and was in full-on thinking mode as he looked me up and down. _Tell me you want to 'do' me! _"How about we go back to yours and plan what to do tonight? The evenings are so much more fun, don't you think?" Mark gave me a sly wink and it set my tingles on overdrive. I think I stuttered something, but I have no idea what. All I could think was that Mark could do what ever he wants to do this evening, as long as it involved me, him and no clothes.

I put the kettle on and made us both a coffee. "See, I told you I drink coffee when it's not that filtered stuff." I sat down and realised I have had lunch with Elle but I hadn't seen Mark eat anything. Not even breakfast this morning. "You haven't had lunch have you? Do you want me to make you something?"

Mark smiled at me as he sat opposite me at the kitchen table, saying he was fine then he went all serious. _I hate it when he does this._

"You and me, darlin'...Are we OK?" Mark put his hand on mine, and I let him.

"How do you mean?" I took a sip of my coffee to calm my nerves before this turned into another 'deep and meaningful' that Mark seemed so fond of.

"I just mean about this morning. I know I got mad and I know it must have frightened you because..." Mark's voice trailed off and he looked a little pissed off, but then he continued. _Because I didn't give him what he wanted? _"I had no right to get mad at you like that and I didn't mean to scare you sweetheart. I'm really sorry." I felt bad now that he thought he frightened me, even though he did, but didn't mean to make him feel guilty for it.

I got up and, in an uncharacteristic endeavour to make him feel better, I bent over to hug him. "We are just fine." I felt Mark's arms around my waist as he rested his head on my chest.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." I told him to forget all about it and went back to sipping my coffee.

Forgetting about this morning was easier said than done. Now I knew what having his hands all over me felt like, it left me wanting more and he was well and truly in my system and I found myself thinking that I was right, my head childishly saying 'Told you so!' over and over again.

From the get-go, my gut told me that one night with Mark wouldn't get him out of my system, it wouldn't satisfy my craving for him and it wouldn't make me forget him. Now I knew for certain that one night wouldn't be enough. No where near enough. _What if I didn't get the wrong end of the stick? Would we have …?_ I gave it some thought and was convinced that we would have had sex and I was even more convinced that it would have been great sex to boot.

"Sweetheart, you're off in your own world again." Mark was looking right at me as I blinked my way back to this dimension.

"Sorry. Was just thinking about what to do for the rest of the day." It wasn't a complete lie. I had thought about spending time in bed with him in great detail! Mark smiled that sexy little half smile he does and asked what I had come up with. I stuttered and turned bright red. I used to be so good at having a 'get out of this conversation' line, but Mark had sent my talent to a dark room I didn't have the key for. I got up and said I was off to get a shower.

"A cold one, darlin'?" Mark looked amused with himself. _Oh crap...can he really read my mind? _

"Yeah. A beer would be nice." I ran off upstairs and ran into the shower, trying to wash the embarrassment off me. _At least I'm thinking well enough to get out of his cold shower remark!_

After my shower and managing to avoid any kind of conversation with Mark that would leave me flustered, I checked the football scores, but remembered my team wasn't playing until Monday.

"You said you would take me to a soccer game." Mark had a wicked smile on his face, knowing full well that referring to football as 'soccer' pissed me off!

"When they invent soccer, I will. Until then you will have to make do with football!"

We continued our weeks long debate about sports and I had a brain wave!

"How about on Monday, I give you a taste of England?"

"Is that what you call pussy over here?" Mark looked down to my jeans and I was absolutely outraged!

"I HATE that word! And no." I knew what Mark was referring to, but I wasn't keen on the idea at all. I didn't want to disappoint him by being disappointed. Men have tried and men have failed. They were too inexperienced and too influenced by porn to really know how to please me.

"Sorry sweetheart. I should watch my language, not just that word, but I really shouldn't cuss in front of a lady." Mark slid across the sofa towards me and looked half amused, half sorry.

"One- I'm not a lady! And two - as far as swearing in front of me goes - have you met Stewie?" Mark started laughing, knowing that it only takes thirty seconds of meeting Stewie to know he has a mouth like a docker!

Mark asked what I actually meant and I gave him my idea,

"I thought we could do the stereotypical English things. Go to the pub, have fish and chips for dinner and then watch the footie."

It was getting close to six and I was starting to get hungry.

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked Mark, who was looking at his mobile phone.

"Well, I actually have an idea of my own! Why don't you sit here and watch TV and I'll be back down in a while." Mark looked like the cat that got the cream and it set my spidey senses tingling!

"You're freaking me out. What have you got up your sleeve?" Mark just grinned and said he was just being a gentleman. "Now I am worried!"

"Don't you worry about a thing, sweetheart. You just sit here for a while and I'll be back!" He finished that in his best Arnie impression, which wasn't up to much!

I turned the TV over and got bored. I went to make a cup of tea for me and a coffee for Mark, who was taking forever at what ever it was he was up to.

About ten minutes later, Mark came downstairs to find me sat on the sofa watching a programme I actually found interesting.

"There's a coffee for you there." I pointed to the coffee table and drank the last sip of my tea.

"Thanks, but I'll have it in a bit. You need to come with me." He took my hand and pulled me off the sofa. "I've got a little surprise for you!"

He led me up to my room and stood blocking the door to my bathroom, like a bouncer at a nightclub.

"What are you up to?" It was obvious that he had done something in there. "Oh...have you re-grouted the tiles?" I faked being excited with that idea and Mark laughed at me.

"Sorry to disappoint, darlin' All I did was this..." Mark opened the door and I walked in to find candles surrounding a bubble bath. I was speechless. Well, almost.

"What the fuck is this?" I turned to Mark, who's smile faded fast.

"How has this pissed you off?" I realised he thought I was mad because I swore at him.

"Sorry, I swear when I'm a bit...overwhelmed, too. What have you done this for?" _Is he getting in too?_ My tingles came back with reinforcements at the thought of having a wet, soapy and very naked Undertaker in my bath!

"I just thought you might learn how to relax. Now get in and I want you to stay up here until I come get you!" With that, Mark closed my bathroom door and left me in absolute astonishment. _Well, it does look inviting... _"I'll only need half an hour, but stay in there longer if you want to."

I undressed and got in, the water was just the right temperature and I slid down under the bubbles.

_How much longer do I have to be kept prisoner in my own room? _It had been well over an hour and I finished in the bath ages ago. _What is he up to? This better not take long, I'm starving. _The curiosity was getting the better of me and I went out of my bedroom and crept to the top of the stairs to see or hear of anything that would give me a hint, but the only hint I got was a 6 foot 8 tattooed American at the foot of the stairs.

"I told you to wait until I come got you!" Mark shook his finger at me as he climbed the stairs.

"You said it would be half an hour an hour ago and I get bored easy!"

"Get back to your room, Ms Delgado!" I followed his instruction, but I wasn't happy about it! "Now, close your eyes and don't move."

"You're being quite bossy to someone who's about to kick your arse." But I did as he said anyway.

I felt Mark behind me and his breath on my slightly damp hair gave me chills. "Like you could take me!"

I argued with him that I had some skills, but he just laughed it off.

"Why am I stood here like an idiot with my eyes closed?" This little charade of his was fun at first, but now I was getting a sinking feeling.

"Because I want to do something." _Finally! _With eyes still closed, I could sense Mark right in front of me. I felt his breath in my face and the tingles were wreaking havoc on my body.

"I wanted to do this the first time I met you." I felt Mark's lips softly touch mine and pull away. His fingers tangled in my hair as he placed another gentle kiss on my lips. "I want to do things right and I want for you to let me in." _As in...sex? _

Mark kissed me again but didn't pull away this time. I felt myself ready to rip his clothes off and I kissed him deeper, but Mark stopped me.

"I said I wanted to do this right. Let me savour this." Mark lightly and teasingly kissed my neck as his hands glided down my arm and gently caressed my waist before running his hand up my back, giving goosebumps and insanity a free for all. _Christ on a crutch, I think I'm going to stop breathing now._ The gentleness of it all and the sensuality of it all was doing more to me than if he just threw me onto the bed and screwed me.

"So much for baby steps!" I smiled but when I felt Mark take a step back, I opened my eyes and found him not looking happy. "I don't want..."

"No, you're right. We should take things slow. Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to give you." Mark cut me off before I could tell him I didn't want him to stop. _Spoil sport. _"Can you dress up for me and come downstairs? I have a surprise for you."

"I don't think I could take another one of your surprises right now."

"Are you hungry?" _Not for food..._ "Come downstairs and I promise I will be a gentleman." _I don't want a gentleman. Right now, I want a bad boy._

Mark left my room and I was more than a little frustrated. _Why can't he just be a man and get me into bed?_ I know I bitched to myself before that I wished he would want me for something other than sex, but now we had taken steps in the direction of a relationship, I wanted the sex! _Oh sod it. If he's so determined to be a gentleman, then I'll have to make him stop and think!_

I got dressed in my sexiest underwear and put on my favourite dress, the one I reserved for very special occasions. I had never worn it! It was a long red satin dress that had a corset like body and diamond spaghetti straps. The balconette cut of the neckline showed off my chest a little more than I would have liked, but if Mark still insisted on being a gentleman, then I would give him pause for thought.

_OK, deep breaths._ I made my way to the living room and Mark was the one who made me pause for thought. Mark was wearing a pair of black trousers and a dark blue silk shirt. I remembered how good it felt on his skin the last time he wore something similar and I wanted to feel it again. Mark looked me over and even that gave me tingles!

"You look fucking edible!" He smiled that sexy little smile and I didn't care my stomach was empty, I wanted something other than food to fill me up. I took a few steps toward him and felt the silk smoothly slide over his chest. _Yummy!_ I stood on my tip toes and gently kissed him. _Give in to me.._

"You taste edible too, darlin', but I'm hungry." _So am I!_ "Come on." Mark pushed his elbow out and waited for me to hang on to it.

He led me through to the kitchen and held open the back door for me.

"What the Hell are we going into the garden for?" I was getting a bit puzzled and a lot frustrated.

Mark walked me over to the foliage where my little garden was hidden from view and told me to close my eyes again. _What the Hell is he up to? I hope this just means he likes it outdoors._

I heard him rustle around at something and heard what sounded like a lighter being fired up. _I forgot he smokes._ But as Mark took my hand and blindly made me walk ten steps forward, I couldn't smell any cigarette smoke.

"OK, sweetheart. Open your eyes." _He better be naked._ I opened my eyes and wasn't in the least bit disappointed that he was still fully clothed.

My little part of the world was littered with lanterns and a blanket full of food was laid out in front of the fish pond where floating candles gently swayed on the ripples of water.

"Fuck a duck." _I'm in deep shit._

"I hope that's a good swear and not a bad one." Mark gripped my hand tightly. I couldn't speak. I had never been big on romance, I thought it was a load of crap used to get laid. Or maybe I wasn't big on it because no one had ever done something like this for me. What I was feeling was incredible, I had never felt this happy and this...safe.

Mark kissed the top of my head and told me he wanted to do things the right way. I didn't really know what he meant, but I wasn't bothered in the slightest!

"I was going to take you out for dinner, but I thought you would prefer it at your favourite place." Mark smiled and in the light of the lanterns and candles, I saw how truly handsome he is. I felt something in my chest thump with something other than fear. _Don't think...feel._

"This isn't my favourite place." Mark looked confused but as I nestled into his chest, finding the place I fit into perfectly and feeling his arms and the happiness surrounding me, I let on that I was in fact part human. "This is my favourite place."


	26. Ready?

**CHAPTER TWENTY SIX**

**Ready?**

My shoulder was killing me and as I went to take a pill for it, I realized I was running low and I would run out before I flew back home. I called around to see if I could get a refill over here, which I could, so while Sarah was out to lunch with her friend, I took a cab to an outpatients clinic near to the London Eye. I wanted to take Sarah up there, I figured it would be a good way to keep her cornered with nowhere to run while I told her how happy I am being with her.

It was something I planned on doing much later in the coming week after getting to know her more, but I never imagined I would fall this quickly for her. I wondered whether to ask her on a date or just set it up and surprise her, but seen as though I forgot to bring the surprise with me over to England that I had got her a month ago, I settled on this being the surprise.

"Hey!" I called out to Sarah who almost walked straight passed me, on her cell. She merely looked up at me and waved her hand for me to be quiet. _Don't get mad..._

"Sorry, just had to talk to a guy about some work he was meant to be doing. Did you get sorted? Are you OK?" There she went again, asking if I was all right.

"Yeah, I'm just fine sweetheart and I got the pills I needed." _And the other things I'll need for tonight._

Dark clouds gathered above us and I made my suggestion that we go up in the London Eye, but Sarah vehemently shook her head, saying she was afraid of heights.

"Oh crap. It's starting to rain now. Aside from getting me in something that would have me all foetal position and rocking in a corner like a nut job, where shall we go? The aquarium is just over there."

Sarah pointed to a huge building a block away, I nodded and she led the way.

It was a nice place to visit with plenty to see and do, but I just wanted to get her back so I could put things in to motion.

I still had to shave and knowing women, Sarah would need about four hours to get ready for tonight. After an hour or so, the rain had stopped and the sun came out again.

"Let's get the tube back and we could take a walk around Knightsbridge if you want."

"Sure." _As long as we don't go shopping!_

We took a stroll around the famous Harrod's store and Sarah looked at a few things before ranting about how much stuff in here costs.

"Let's get out of here then if you don't want to get anything."

We walked outside and I said we should get a cab back to hers, as the dark clouds were threatening once again.

"The house is at the end of this road, we may as well walk it."

I almost got dragged into another museum, but between hitting all the tourist spots yesterday and seeing the aquarium today, I was all schooled out. And I was getting hungry!

Sarah asked what I wanted to do instead and I really had to watch my mouth! I looked down at her well hidden body and thinking about the shape she hid underneath and touching her like I did this morning, how she responded to me, it made me want to spend the next few days making her scream. _Just get tonight out of the way first.._

"How about we go back to yours and plan what to do tonight? The evenings are so much more fun, don't you think?"

"I...er...if you...OK." Her cheeks turned crimson and I love to see her at a loss for words. _She does blush a lot for someone who claims to dislike men and who has so much front! _I started to think about what front she does have and my thoughts strayed once more to touching her this morning.

"Right, let's get you back before it starts to rain." _And before I fuck you in the middle of the street._

Sarah placed a coffee cup on the breakfast table for me. "You haven't had lunch have you? Do you want me to make you something?" She started to get up before I could even answer, but I told her to sit down.

"I'm just fine, darlin' I'll get something later, just sit down." Part of me wondered if she was actually concerned with my not having anything to eat yet, or whether she was just avoiding being sat with me with no distractions to stop her from relaxing around me. I looked at her face and saw it was genuine concern. _How could any one hurt her? _

I put my hand on top of hers as I asked if things were OK between us. She looked like she wanted to run away from this, but she didn't move. She never even took her hand away.

I tried to say I was sorry about yelling and shouting at her, but I couldn't do it without thinking about that bastard hitting her. And I couldn't let on that I knew because in all likelihood, she would just fortify her defenses and I would have no chance in getting close to her.

"I had no right to get mad at you like that and I didn't mean to scare you sweetheart. I'm really sorry." I couldn't read her emotions, but whatever was written on her face made me want to crawl under a rock. She pulled her hand away and stood up. _I've fucked up. I shouldn't have said anything. _I held my hands to my face, but then I felt her arms around me, pulling me into her.

"We are just fine." She said as she placed a kiss on the top of my head. _Is this another baby step? _I put my arms around her and rested my head on her chest, not wanting her to move away from me. The warmth of her body seeped through her clothes, but the gentle way in which she rubbed my shoulder warmed me more. I was quite comfortable!

"I'm sorry if I made you feel bad too, but it's over with now so lets just forget about that and move on." _Forget about my temper? Or forget about what happened before?_

Sarah went back to her seat and quietly drank her coffee until she had ran out and started twirling a strand of her hair around her index finger. Her eyes drifted downwards and her chest heaved while she bit on her bottom lip. I had seen her go off in her own little world before, but the tell tale sign of that was her playing with a strand of hair. This bottom lip thing was new. And sexy! _What does she think about? _I was tempted to bring her back to reality, but I liked to watch her think away to herself and with this new thinking addition, I really liked to watch her.

I said her name, but my voice didn't register. She stopped twirling her hair and started to look like she had finished thinking about whatever it was.

"Sorry. Was just thinking about what to do for the rest of the day." She slowly bit down on her lip for the last time and her cheeks started to pink up and I noticed her pupils were almost fully dilated in a very well lit room. _Was she just thinking naughty thoughts?_

"So tell me, darlin', what ideas has that creative mind of yours come up with?"

"Er..just...nothing...I need a shower." She got up, lowering her head, hoping her hair falling down her face would hide her bright red cheeks, but all it did was confirm to me that she was indeed thinking naughty thoughts! I made a joke about having a cold one and she hurried even faster out of the kitchen muttering something about a beer.

I just sat there and chuckled to myself while I finished my coffee. _Who knew she had such a mind? _ I always thought she was kind of innocent with her sexuality, not just when it came to the physical side of it, but with everything connected. Unless the occasion called for it, she never really showed off her amazing curves, never wore make up or anything that would draw attention to her and she never spoke teasingly or suggestively. But the way she touched me, the way she kissed me was so purposeful and so masterful it made me wonder if it was just one more thing she was good at hiding. Although, her blushing cheeks were now becoming an almost permanent feature! _I'd love to know what she thinks about..._

I went upstairs with the intention of shaving, but I couldn't stop wondering what she was thinking about at the breakfast table. And then another thought hit me that made the stirring in me worse. _What does she fantasize about? Has she ever fantasized about me? _The idea turned me on, but not as much as the mental picture I had in my head of her laying in her bed and pleasing herself. That was the one thing that set me on fire. Ever since I saw the photos she did for that magazine, I had fantasized about her slowly stripping for me and then telling me I could look but she was the only one who got to touch. It got me every time and this time was no different.

I came down the stairs, freshly shaven, and Sarah followed about two minutes later. She made me some lunch, even though I never asked her to, and started talking about housework and other mundane things and never once looked me it the eye. _Was she thinking about me at the table? _Her avoidance at any kind of contact and the way her cheeks flushed when she did steal a glance made me think that she was. _Damn, I'd __love to know what she was thinking. I'd love to do to her whatever it was she was thinking._

I sat and ate my sandwich and watched as she wiped down the kitchen counter and did the dishes, then she disappeared into the lounge and turned on the TV set.

I washed my plate and went and stood next to her as she looked at the soccer scores.

We got into our favorite pastime of arguing about our national sports and Sarah said she would give me a 'taste of England' on Monday. I couldn't resist making an obscene comment and Sarah looked thoroughly offended at my choice of words.

I apologized and said I should watch my language around a lady, to which Sarah sat down and giggled. "One- I'm not a lady! And two - as far as swearing in front of me goes - have you met Stewie?" I laughed, knowing from first hand experience that Stewie's mouth didn't filter what ever it was that fell out of it. He was so much like my friend Will. Every other word was a cuss word.

She asked my opinion on what she would like for us to do on Monday and it sounded like a pretty good way to spend the day. Not as good as being in bed with her, but still!

We spoke for a while longer about maybe heading down to the coast if the weather was OK tomorrow and then I noticed what time it was. _Shit. It's a quarter to six. I have to make my move._ I pulled out my cell and text Stewie not to call, like he said he was going to and as if Sarah was reading my thoughts, she asked what I wanted for dinner. This was my chance.

I had planned on getting her relaxed first, so she would be less likely to run away from what I have had planned for two days and she looked rather skeptical at the fact I had ideas of my own.

"You're freaking me out. What have you got up your sleeve?" She raised her eyebrow at me and it was so hard not to ask what she has up her sweater.

"Don't get worried. I told you a while ago I was a gentleman so just indulge me a little while I try and prove it to you."

So maybe having an ulterior motive for doing something nice for her wasn't really being a gentleman, but I planned on getting everything right later on.

I went to her bathroom and poured bubbles into the hot water that was filling up the bath while I went to dig out the things I had gotten while Sarah was out to lunch with her friend. _OK, now for the difficult bit. _I had to sneak these things downstairs without Sarah seeing and I had to hope she was like other women and spent an hour in the bath so I could get dinner ready.

I stopped the bath and and lit some candles. _Here goes._ I went downstairs and hid the bag of lanterns and candles under the end table in the entrance hall and found Sarah on the couch where I left her. She was sipping a cup of tea and was watching a program about knights. Not the mythical dragon slaying kind, real ones. _She does like her history!_ Sarah pointed to the table, saying she had made me a coffee but I really didn't have time for that.

I asked her to come with me, that I had a surprise for her and she looked even more skeptical and 'freaked out' then she did before, but she still took my hand and I led her to her room.

I stood by the bathroom door and smiled as she tried to see past me, even though the door was closed and she had no chance of seeing through wood.

"What are you up to? Oh...have you re-grouted the tiles?" Sarah jumped up and down on the spot and clapped her hands like a child at Christmas, she was clearly mocking me, but she looked so cute doing it.

I opened the door and she took a few tentative steps in. "What the fuck is this?" Her face was full of confusion, not anger, yet she swore at me. "Sorry, I swear when I'm a bit...overwhelmed, too. What have you done this for?"

I said I just wanted her to relax and I implicitly instructed her to stay in her room until I came back for her. I closed the door behind her and waited a few seconds until I heard her get in the water and I knew it was safe to go and prepare.

I got a chicken salad and pasta ready while I cut the strawberries and left them to get to room temperature and left a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice before I noticed her cell on the kitchen counter. It was flashing that she had a missed call and I don't know what made me do it, but I looked who had been calling her. _Alex? Oh, yeah. He was the drummer in her dads band. _ I put her cell down and then realized she would know I looked because she wouldn't have a missed call and new message icon on the screen. _Fuck. She's going to go mental about this. Oh well._ I looked at the rest of her in box and her call history. I shouldn't have, but I figured it would give me a hint if I could really trust her and give me an idea about who her friends were and what she talked about, because she didn't tell me anything about her life. They were mostly calls to and from contractors judging by the names of them, and Stewie and a girl called Elle, who I know she met for lunch today. But there was no personal stuff to speak of.

I did look at her saved text messages, knowing she wouldn't find out about that. _What the fuck? She saved these?_ All the ones she had saved were from me, dating back at least a month. _She really saved these?_ I couldn't believe it. I discovered the other day when we had my 'birthday' that she had a sentimental side, but I didn't realize the sentiment was for me.

One text stood out and I remembered it started an entire thread of text messages to each other.

'It was nice to hear your voice, but don't leave it so long before I hear it again! Can't wait to see you. Sweet dreams x' _I sent her that the night when she first called. The night I chose her over Michelle._

The next morning Sarah had sent a text back and it felt like I had made the right decision. She sent back that I could call her too and that she was looking forward to seeing me again. I knew even back then that her text was about as close to showing emotion as she got, but it still made me feel like everything would be worth while. _ Should I go up to her?_

I wanted to. I wanted to go up to her and kiss her until she knew it was OK to feel the things she clearly did, but that's partly what tonight was for. She had to see I wasn't a bad guy who would hurt her and in doing that, then maybe she would start to let me into her heart.

I finished preparing the food and set out all the lanterns ready to be lit and was about to go up the stairs to get dressed when I caught Sarah peering over the banister trying to see what was going on and asked why she had been kept waiting. I told her to go back to her room and to my surprise, she did as I asked with no back chat or snarls!

In her room, I was greeted with a very stubborn looking Sarah, but seen as though taking control a few seconds ago worked, I thought I'd try it again. "Now, close your eyes and don't move." There was no real reason for her to close her eyes, I just wanted to see if she would do as I say.

"You're being quite bossy to someone who's about to kick your arse." She turned her back, arms folded across her chest but she gave me a playful smile as she did. I stood right behind her and it took all the strength I had not to find that sweet spot on her neck that made her wriggle under me this morning.

"Like you could take me!" _I'd fucking love to make you tap out._

"Hey! I could take you! I grew up watching wrestling remember, and I do have some skills of my own!" I had to stop my mind from picturing what her skills were, as I was so close to telling her to give me everything she has. She changed the subject pretty quickly before I listened to the little devil on my shoulder that was telling me to touch her everywhere.

"Why am I stood here like an idiot with my eyes closed?" I walked around to face her and sure enough, she did have her eyes closed! _OK, so this taking control thing works! _

I said I wanted to do something, but looking at her now I changed my mind. I wouldn't tell her. I would just surprise her. I wanted to do something nice for her, to show her I wanted her in my life but seeing her stood silently waiting for me to speak and seeing a drop of water drip off the end of her hair and trickle down her chest in between her breasts made me want to do something else entirely. _God, she's so fucking beautiful._

I became aware I had moved closer to her and I couldn't fight the urge to kiss her.

The faint minty taste on her lips and the sweet coconut scent of her hair drove me insane with desire to take all the time in the world exploring her and relish every sight and sound and taste of her. She made that sexy 'mmm' sound again and it turned me on so much that I couldn't stop myself from kissing her deeper. I wanted to lose myself completely to her.

"So much for baby steps!" Sarah said in my ear, and I had to pull away. _Am I pushing her too far?_

No matter how much I wanted her right now, she needed me to take things slow so letting her stick to her baby steps -that she asked for- was for the best. G_od, I just want to hear her scream. _"I don't want..."

"No, you're right. We should take things slow. Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to give you." _ She doesn't want me touching her? _I didn't understand what was going on, but if she wanted things to go slow then I had to respect that. No matter how much it was killing me.

I said I had a surprise for her and her attitude flowed once again, telling me she didn't want another surprise. Maybe kissing her was pushing her too far and it really wasn't what she needed from me, but I was getting frustrated with the mixed signals.

I told her to meet me downstairs and I left her to calm down.

I got dressed and paced the entire width of the room several times questioning whether of not I should tell her how I feel tonight. I wasn't even sure if I could trust her or sure if I was really ready to be involved again this soon, but they are just doubts that can be easily countered by thinking of her smile and her warmth.

_I'm ready._ I waited in the lounge and couldn't sit still. I was nervous and I found myself praying that tonight would go as planned.

I heard Sarah's footsteps echo in the vast entrance hall and I got to my feet. _OK, here goes._ When she walked in, I couldn't believe my eyes. She looked fucking stunning. And really fucking sexy!

"You look fucking edible!" I should have kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to taste every inch of her. A seductive smile spread across her red lips and I could see a spark ignite in her eyes. _Stick to the baby steps._

She walked slowly over to me, not breaking her gaze from my eyes and I couldn't keep from thinking of her looking into my eyes while I fucked her on this floor.

Her hands made their way to my chest, just like they always did, but this time it didn't bring the calming feeling it usually does. I felt the opposite. _Baby steps, Mark, baby steps._

I managed somehow to break away from the seductive trance Sarah was putting me in and led her out to her part of the garden that she said was her favorite place and asked her to close her eyes while I went to light the candles. _Not bad! _I was quite impressed with myself at the set up and as I looked at Sarah standing with her eyes closed waiting again, I felt my heart explode. _I am ready for this. I do feel this strongly for her._

"OK, sweetheart. Open your eyes." Sarah slowly opened her eyes and I couldn't wipe the smile from my face as she looked absolutely speechless. Well, almost speechless!

"Fuck a duck." I couldn't help but to wonder if this was another one of her 'overwhelmed' moments, or if she was pissed with me.

She just stood shaking her head, and I thought I saw the corners of her eyes glisten with moisture.

"I did all this because I want to do things properly. I don't want to rush and fuck things up."

Sarah still didn't say or do anything until I told her I thought she would prefer dinner at her favorite place, rather than a restaurant. Plus, I didn't want the usual argument of who was paying.

"This isn't my favorite place." _But she told me..._ I didn't understand but I didn't have time to think about where her favorite place was as Sarah willingly and without prompting hugged me and held me tight. _Another baby step?_ "This is my favorite place."

My heart exploded once more and felt that we were finally together.


	27. Awaken

**CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN**

**Awaken.**

We ate the lovely meal that Mark had made and this really was the best night of my life. I was a little tired but I wouldn't let lack of sleep get in the way of ruining what ever else the night had in store.

"Ready for desert, sweetheart?"

"Just about. I'm so full, but I think I could manage something sweet!" _Mark looks sweet enough. Does he come served with ice cream?_ The thoughts that were now going through my head gave me such a jolt of tingles, that I physically responded.

"You cold, sweetheart?"

"No, I just got the judders. Must be someone walking over my grave." _Or it's someone sat opposite me, looking sexy as Hell._

Mark leaned over to the picnic basket and pulled out some strawberries. _Does he have ice cream in there too? _I couldn't keep the smile from my face as I thought once again about licking it off his...everything!

"Good to know you like them." _Eh? _"Strawberries. It's good to know you like them." _He caught my smile. _I blushed but thankfully, my little part of the garden wasn't well lit enough for Mark to see it.

I ate a few but I was too full now and started to get that horrible bloated feeling. "Stick a fork in me, I'm done!" I dropped my spoon and wished Mark would stick something in me other than a fork! _How much champagne have I had?_ I looked at the bottle and there was probably one glass worth left and Mark has only had two glasses. _Oh dear...Oh well!_

"You want a coffee?" _No. I want you. And ice cream!_ I shook my head and tried to shake the dirty thoughts out of there too. "You look about ready for bed, darlin'." _I've got no chance now! Damn bubbles!_

I blushed again and stuttered before Mark took hold of my hand and looked right into my eyes.

"I told you I wanted to do things right, so I want to get to know you more. Talk to me about something." _This isn't the kind of getting personal I hoped for. _"let's start simple. What do you want out of life?" _That's starting simple?_

"Er..I don't think of any thing specific, but I do see myself with a job. At the moment I just kind of in between the NSPCC, the clubs, the record company and studying. I want a job that's in one place and something that I'm happy doing."

"That's it? That's all you want from life? A job?" Mark looked a bit disappointed with my answer but I couldn't tell him anything else. My 'one day' dream was just a silly little girls fantasy that wouldn't happen for me.

"What did you expect me to say? A husband? Kids? White picket fence? I can't think about stuff like that."

Mark had the same look on his face as my dad once did when I told him his little princess wanted to be a mechanic. Mark asked me to elaborate on why I can't think about that kind of thing but I wasn't going to answer. I don't think I could without it awakening the darkness in me but I still felt compelled to tell him something.

"I don't believe in marriage because I'm not religious, I can't have kids and I told you before that I'm never moving." _Please let that be an end to it. _I could feel the rage building but Mark still wouldn't drop it.

"Why can't you have kids?" Mark's eyes almost dared me to tell him, but I point blank refused and he saw then how serious I was about not talking this through. "Sorry, but you can't say something like that and not expect me to ask why."

I felt a bit bad for going overboard. It must be hormones or something. I made my apologies and offered a compromise. "How about I say that I will tell you one day?" I had no intention of divulging anything about that, and that's why I never said 'I promise to'. Technical loophole and a bit of a cheap trick, but I was so used to getting out of this sort of thing and being around Mark was making it more difficult to keep my defences up.

With the subject dropped, we talked for a while longer before the temperature dropped below comfortable level and it was time to pack up and go back inside.

"Come on, sweetheart. I'll make us a hot drink." Mark stood up and extended his hand to pull me up. _This is it. Tonight I get what I want._

We started to walk back to the house and as much as I wanted to close the door behind us then throw Mark up against it while I stripped him naked, I couldn't stop thinking about the mess we had left behind.

"I'll clean up in the morning!" _Am I that transparent? _"I just want you to relax. Go and put your feet up and I'll make us both a coffee." _Sod it. Here goes._

"I don't want a drink. I want to go to bed." I looked into his eyes as my head screamed at him to follow me.

"OK, sweetheart. Let me walk you to your door." _And to my bed. _Mark pushed out his elbow and waited for me to take it. _Here goes._ I took his arm and he walked me up the stairs to my bedroom door. We stood facing each other in a silence that hung in the air like a lost cloud.

Finally, Mark brought his hand up to my face and I thought he was going to kiss me. His hand trailed it's way over my shoulder and down my arm. He kissed my hand and told me good night. Too many questions tried to fall out of my mouth at once and I ended up completely tongue tied.

I stood absolutely puzzled as I watched Mark disappear into his room. _What the f...He makes me swear too much._

I had been tossing and turning in bed for over and hour and I still couldn't figure out why I was in bed alone. I'm sure I wasn't too subtle in letting Mark know what I wanted, but men can be a little bit slow on the uptake sometimes. _Maybe I shouldn't have waited for him to make the move. Maybe I should have just dragged him into my room and tore his clothes off. No doubts there!_

_Or maybe it's because of this morning. Maybe he didn't like the way I touched him or the way I kissed him._

I gave up trying to sleep. It was a warm night and I changed my pyjamas for a oversized silk shirt that Alex gave me when he had lost weight last year. It was the most comfortable thing I owned and comfort is what I needed right now. I sat in my little chair and picked a book off the shelf and started to read. Reading late always made my eyes heavy and could get me to sleep on the most restless of nights.

I chose a book by a promising author and it was about finding proof that God and Jesus never existed and how to use that information. It was a good theory. If the world knew of this, then would wars cease? Or would the world go to Hell if people no longer had faith or something to pray to when things were bad? _Faith._ _I could use a little of that right now. _

Tonight I told myself I had to stop thinking and start feeling. I tried, but I'm still in my room alone and not sharing my bed with Mark tonight has left me faithless.

I has been another hour since I picked up my book and I still hadn't made it through one chapter. I got back into bed and still sleep wouldn't come. Something didn't feel right and it kept me from the deep sleep dreaming I needed. _Is that 'something' Mark? Is him not being here what's keeping me awake?_

3:46. My clock almost mocked me as I looked at it. I could almost hear it saying 'ha ha. Still not asleep!' _Why am I so restless?_ _Sod it. Maybe I'll have a bath. _It was a bit of an unorthodox hour to take a bath, but I always felt warm and relaxed afterwards, so I got up and no sooner had I flipped the light switch in the bathroom, I heard a light tapping noise. _What on earth is that?_ I swung the bathroom door until it was almost closed thinking it was the hinges, but it wasn't.

I looked out to the balcony doors to see if a vine from the ivy that grew up the side of the house was being blown against the door by a breeze. _No._ I walked around my room to see if I could hear it again, but I couldn't. _Wait. _I heard something near the door to my bedroom and held my breath to see if I could hear it again. _Now is not the time to start haunting me, dad. I'm too tired!_ I heard the light tapping noise again and knew it was coming from the other side of my door. _Mark? No. He'll by sound asleep by now._ The handle started to turn and although I wasn't easily spooked, I fumbled around for something to defend myself with. The door started to open slightly and the only light was coming from behind the almost closed bathroom door and that didn't illuminate much, all it created were long shadows.

"Sarah?" _Jesus Christ._

"Mark? What the Hell are you doing? I almost took your head off." We both looked at my hand, that was poised, ready to strike. _A paper back book? That's what I picked up?_

"I don't think so, sweetheart." He chuckled, but something in his laugh told me something wasn't right with him. I asked if he was all right and what he was doing in my room that he invited himself into.

He told me he had trouble sleeping. _It must be something in the air!_

"Do you want me to go make you some warm milk? I add nutmeg and it really works." _Why didn't I think of __that three hours ago? Stupid!_

I went to the door and held out my arm to open it, when Mark pulled it back down. "I don't need milk to sleep." Mark stepped close to me, his hand going straight to the back of my neck and he pulled me into his chest. Into the place that I fit perfectly. "I just need you." _Fu...I mean crap._ Some strange instinct made me hug him back and I felt the doubts creep in. Doubts about myself and doubts about Mark. _Is he just here for sex? Are we just friends? Or is this something I should run away from?_

I wasn't so sure what I wanted any more. I was certain earlier, and all of today, that I wanted him in my bed but now I could be faced with it, I didn't know how to react. I stuttered something but I have no idea what.

"I'm sorry. I just thought going to bed alone would be the right thing to do, the gentleman thing to do, but I can't sleep without you next to me." My heart pounded in my head and I got so close to feeling something that I couldn't describe. It was almost like the feeling of being happy, but it was something that lay beyond that and I didn't know what it was. "Do you mind if I sleep in here with you, sweetheart? I promise I will be a perfect gentleman." _Now,_ _I know what this feeling is, I know what that one feels like. Too well._

The stab of disappointment made me absolutely certain what I want from Mark. I looked up at him, his face only just visible in the shadows cast by the light of the bathroom door. _Sod it. Time to grow a set._

"What if I'm not a perfect lady?" Before Mark could say any thing, I stood up on my tip toes and kissed him softly, but left my intentions firmly in place. "Am I out of line?" I asked, but didn't let him answer. I kissed him again and felt his hands grab the top of my arms and he pushed me away.

"Sarah, I just want to get this right. I just want things to be what you need and you need to stick to your baby steps. Tell me what it is you want." _I'll show you._ I unfastened the only three buttons that remained closed on his shirt and kissed his chest, lightly and feverishly. My finger tips couldn't stop from exploring all the skin I had exposed, every last ounce of strength I had went into not pulling off his trousers and demanding he make me forget him.

Mark moved his hands back to my waist and pulled me into him once again. "Tell me what you want because you're killing me here." His voice nothing more than a pleading whisper. He slid his hand under my shirt and gave my bum a gentle squeeze, pulling me against him, he was so hard and it made my mouth water thinking of getting my hand, my mouth, myself around his cock. He ran his other hand through the under side of my hair, and pulled gently to make me look up at him. "Please tell me what you want from me before I really lose it."

I stood on my tip toes once again and kissed his neck as I whispered to him what I want. Mark pulled me tight to him and found my lips, he kissed me with a passion I share and a passion I was about to let explode into life. I couldn't hold back. Mark had awoken something in me this morning and it grew stronger every time I looked at him.

I pulled his shirt off and pushed him against my door and kissed him like I had seconds left to live. Mark's hands were all over me and I could no longer think for myself. All I had to go on were instincts, like some animal.

Mark stepped forward, taking me with him and broke off the kiss. "Fucking hell, darlin'. You are definitely going to kill me!" I wasn't in the mood for conversation. I pushed myself against him again and took off his belt, but Mark stopped my hands from getting any where else. "I said I wanted to get this right, so just let me try." _What is he on about? Just shut up and kiss me._ Mark walked around to the back of me, keeping one hand on my waist. "This is what you want." He pulled my shirt down at the collar and my knees almost gave out as he kissed the hot spot at the back of my neck. I was forced to hold my arm out and find the door to stop me from falling forward as Mark unbuttoned my shirt at the top and slipped his hand in, finding yet another sensitive spot on the underside of my breast, I couldn't take the sensory overload and I let out a moan of pleasure I had tried to hold in.

"You have no idea how much I fucking want you. Tell me you don't want me to stop." He gently squeezed my breast, and he run his thumb over my nipple time and time again. His other hand stroked the inside of my thigh, every caress took him higher. _Oh, fuck. _My knees were about to give out, my body was screaming out for him not to stop, to keep going until I couldn't take it any more.

"Don't...ever...stop..." I managed to tell him this is what I want, but I wasn't capable of anything else as Mark touched me in the most intimate of places and he really knew what he was doing. Every stroke touched all the right places and the waves of pleasure rose and I wanted to drown.

_Oh fuck. I can't hold on much longer. Oh fuck_. Mark whispered to me that I should give in, and the way he said it was so sexy, I had no choice but to obey. I stood upright and I could feel how hard he was pressed against me. I reached my hand behind me and slid my hand in his boxers, _Fuck me, he's big. This is going to hurt. _Mark let out a soft moan and started squeezing my breast harder, kissing my neck harder, touching me harder. He tipped me over the edge, I couldn't fight how good it felt any more. My body screamed for release and I gave in to it's demands.

"Faster..Mark...please..." Mark bit my shoulder and obliged.

The intensity pulsed through me and I tasted blood as I bit down on my lip to stop from screaming out Mark's name. _Fuck me, that was intense._

I turned around and Mark swept the hair from my eyes. He came in so close that I could feel his ragged breath on my face. He looked in to my eyes and everything fell away from us, like we were the only people in the universe. _Nuclear Fusion. _

"This is deep shit." I managed to say unexpectedly and Mark smiled and kissed me. A slow, deep, lingering kiss that took what ever strength I had left.

The kiss turned into something more powerful and with such hunger that I was losing myself and I surrendered completely to my body asking for more. I ran my hands up Mark's body, his skin was perspiring and I couldn't help but scratch my nails down his back. I pulled him in so close to me, but it didn't feel close enough. Mark moved his lips to my neck and I took off his trousers, he lifted me and I knew this was it, this was what I had wanted since the first moment I saw him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and as I felt him just about to enter me, he stopped. _What the fuck? _

"I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I promise it won't hurt for long." I was nervous now. It had been a while since I have had sex and Mark was a big boy. _OK. Deep breaths. _Mark pushed into me ever so slightly and my body exploded with the exquisite mix of pleasure and pain. "Is this OK?" Mark asked but I wanted him to stop talking and just fuck me.

"No. It's not enough."

"My god baby, you don't know what you do to me." I squeezed my legs tight around him, forcing him to push his cock deeper into me.

Mark moved slowly, I could feel the most minute of motions and it was delectable. His breath was becoming more and more laboured, he kissed me, his hands were all over me, touching and grasping. He nestled his head into my neck and kissed and lightly bit my shoulder. _Jesus fucking Christ, I'm going to cum again. _

His pace became a bit faster and I really couldn't hold on much longer, the feeling welled up in me and it was so powerful that it threatened to render me lifeless.

I could feel Mark was on the brink and I wanted to feel him explode inside of me, the thought alone took me to the very edge of existence.

"Sarah..." He looked into my eyes and slowed his pace once again. "...Stay with me..." _He said that before. But he's talking to me now. _

"I'm not going anywhere." And in that moment, I honestly meant it. I didn't want to be anywhere than with Mark. Always. He kissed me so fiercely that it reopened the wound I self inflicted during the throws of my last orgasm, an orgasm that wasn't finished by a long way and it whispered inside of me, waiting for the crack of lightening to let it roar.

He slid his hands in between the door and my back, making me feel him deeper "Hold on." _I'm fucking trying! _Mark turned around and while holding me up he walked over to my bed and lay me down on the edge and stopped everything. He knelt on the floor and I could still feel him pulsing inside of me and I wanted to scream at him to keep going, that I didn't ever want him to stop. He slowly unbuttoned the rest of my shirt, it was agonising waiting for him to just bring me off. His finger tips skimmed across my stomach, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

Mark leaned in and buried his head in to my chest, kissing and licking every part of my breasts, he was driving me wild, I needed release. I squeezed my legs around Mark's waist, trying to feel him deeper, his body responded and Mark began moving faster and harder, his breathing was unrestrained and I could feel he was close to breaking. He slid one hand under me, slightly lifting my hips and it changed everything. He hit the holy grail. I let out a moan and Mark followed suit.

"Mark...you're going to make me...I want to feel you..." He pressed his lips against mine, stifling my screams. I couldn't control it any more, the overwhelming pleasure consumed me, intense ripples of ecstasy ran through my body as Mark trailed his kisses to my neck and I felt him explode inside of me, the feeling was incredible and it was a feeling I wanted again and again.

Mark rested his head against my chest and his breath was slowly returning to normal, but the aftershocks still raged through me. _Fucking Christ on a bike, that was good!_ My senses returned to the right places and my brain was now starting to make rational thoughts once more. _Fuck. I have never swore so much in my life!_

"I never knew it would be this good between us. I always thought it would be great, but that was something else!" Mark kissed my chest and it produced another aftershock. _Fucking tell me about it!_

He knelt upright and picked me up with him. "Ready for bed now, sweetheart?" I really was!

"Yeah. You tired me out!" Mark lay me in the bed, and covered me over.

"Not as much as you tired me out!" he walked around the bed and he had absolutely no shame in being completely naked! I couldn't stop the smile that broke out from looking at him.

He got in bed and turned to face me, his hands found me and he pulled himself over to me. A strange thought entered my head and I didn't know what to make of it. _This is where I usually tell a guy to leave, that I got what I wanted. Why is Mark still here?_

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart" he ran his fingers through my hair and I didn't want to tell him that he should go, but I couldn't sleep next to him again. What if I got used to it?

"Nothing." I saw the smile disappear from Mark's face and I knew I was in trouble.

"Why can't you just tell me? It doesn't matter what it is, just tell me." _Fine. But it's your fault if you don't like it._

"I was just wondering why you were still in my bed. I'm not used to company after sex." I waited for Mark to ask if I wanted him to leave. I would tell him 'yes' but it's not what I want. I want him here with me and not just in my bed. I didn't like the weakness it made me feel and I knew I would fight to the bitter end to not feel weak any more.

I thought Mark would be mad at my comment, but he didn't seem affected at all. If anything, it made him smile. "I told you I'm not a bad guy. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed me and something in my chest exploded and I had to learn how to breathe all over again.

"I have to..I have to turn out the light." I started to get out of bed, to escape this claustrophobia that made my chest feel tight, but Mark stopped me.

"I'll do it, you lay down and get warm. You feel really cold." _You have no idea._

I pulled the covers almost all the way over me and turned on my side, away from Mark.

"Hey, I've been gone for two minutes and you've already stolen the duvet! I'll keep you warm, sweetheart." Mark pulled the covers off me and lay on his back, his arm up, waiting for me to cuddle up to him. _Don't think. Feel._

I shuffled close to Mark and rested against him. _It's just a cuddle. It can't break me. _His arms wrapped themselves around me, the warmth and the calm slowly returned and I felt the last trickles of energy slip away. _How does he make me feel so powerless?_

"I told you I couldn't sleep without you. I knew you were all I needed." Mark kissed the top of my head and as he did last night, he gently stroked his finger tips back and forth over my arm and sleep was hunting me down. I looked at the clock and I couldn't believe it. _5:02? Are you fucking kidding?_

"I didn't hurt you did I? Are you OK?"

"I'm fine Mark, you didn't hurt me, I'm fine." _Did I just repeat myself? _I didn't know and I didn't care. The whispering voice of dreaming sang it's alluring melody and I was helpless against it.

"Sarah? How do you feel sweetheart?" Mark's voice blended with the intoxicating music, bringing harmony and I smiled at the sweet surrender.

"Happy." Mark's heart added it's own beat to the mix and it was the perfect lullaby.

***Not my best pairing of chapters, but I have had some help later on with description, so I decided to leave these as they were so you all can see how much she's helped. Thank you Kate! And thnk you to everyone for the reviews. I'm not a very confident writer and this is my first attempt at any story, so thank you for the confidence your reviews have given me. xxx**


	28. Perfect

**CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT**

**Perfect.**

Tonight was going better than expected. Sarah seemed more relaxed and more happy than I had ever seen and her smile that had been lacking of late illuminated her face. But for the past twenty minutes, she had been quiet and only spoke when spoken to, she insisted that she was fine, but something made me feel worried. It had been my intention to do things right, to let her see this wasn't about sex and this wasn't about a fling. This was about being in love with her and showing her she didn't have to be scared of feeling the same way. It had been going so well, but now I had a sinking feeling and Sarah looked tired.

I watched as the flames from the candles flickered across her body and her face. Her black curled hair moved in the gentle breeze and her dark eyes and her tightly fitted dress gave her a seductive vampire like look and part of me wanted to let her sink her teeth in, but no matter how much looking at her made me want her, I had to let her take this at her own pace. She asked me to let her stick to her baby steps and I had to abide by it no matter what.

I asked her to talk to me, to share something about the life she never spoke of but she shook her head slightly. I wasn't really surprised. The last time I asked her to tell me about her, she spoke of her dad dying and it made her cry. I asked Sarah what she wanted from life, hoping it would give me a starting point, but she looked like I asked her to describe custard to a Martian.

"Er..I don't think of any thing specific, but I do see myself with a job. At the moment I just kind of in between the NSPCC, the clubs, the record company and studying. I want a job that's in one place and something that I'm happy doing." _Seriously? __What did you expect? I want to spend my life with you? Don't be an old fool. _

I questioned her lack of ambition and it was met with a very icy stare. "What did you expect me to say? A husband? Kids? White picket fence? I can't think about stuff like that."

Something in her sentence made me think. There was no elaboration, no 'because I'm still young', or 'I'm not ready.' it was just a very blunt 'I can't think about that stuff.' It wasn't even followed with just a simple but hopeful 'yet.'

"Why can't you think like that? I thought all women used to dream about their perfect wedding dress!" I tried to get her to laugh, but it was a big mistake and it was my mistake for thinking she was like other women, when I knew full well she wasn't.

She growled at me that she's not religious, so no marriage and that she's never moving out of her dad's house, but the thing that made me stop dead in my tracks was that she told me she couldn't have kids. The feeling it gave me was one I didn't dare admit to myself. I asked why she couldn't have children and I had a funny feeling I was going to be sleeping outside tonight.

"You just don't fucking quit do you? Are you training to be a shrink? Or do you just like to push peoples buttons? It that how you get your kicks? I am not talking about this." Her jaw tightened and her hand was almost crushing mine. _God, she's fucking strong._ _Calm her down before she decks you!_

"Sorry, but you can't say something like that and not expect me to ask why." Her face softened and the grip on my hand, thankfully, loosened.

"You're right. I'm sorry for snapping, I get a bit cranky when people make me drink too much champaign!" We both laughed and the tension dispersed. "I know this won't satisfy your curiosity, but how about I say I will tell you one day?" I couldn't really say no to it, she was so aggressive in her refusal to talk about it that I had to wonder if something really bad had happened to produce such a strong reaction from her. _Is there something else I should know? Just how damaged is she?_ I had to drop it.

"That's fine with me, sweetheart."

"So this soccer match tomorrow..." I knew it would wind her up, but I love to see that little flame in her eyes when I did. I got the snarl I expected and asked about the game tomorrow. "Who is playing? Manchester United?"

"Don't swear at me! That team is absolutely forbidden in this house! Magpies all the way!" _What? _"Alex and I support Newcastle United. A team from up north where Alex grew up." With the smile back on her face, it was time to go back indoors. I took her hand and pulled her up.

As we got back in to the kitchen and after I noticed Sarah fidgeting about leaving a mess in her garden, something hit me that couldn't comprehend. _How am I going to be with her if she won't move out? I can't move here._ I was in utter disbelief with what I thought. I had never thought past this week, let alone next month or next year. _How would it work between us? Do we have a future? _I needed to think about this further before I told her how I feel, so I suggested she went to sit down while I made us both a coffee, but Sarah didn't look happy with that.

"I don't want tea. I want to go to bed." _Maybe she's tired._ She still looked devastating but I know she hadn't slept much and neither had I. She took my arm and we walked up the stairs to her bedroom door. She leaned back against the door with her hand on the handle and I really wanted to follow her in but I couldn't give into it.

I looked at her for what seemed like hours and all the while I was fighting not to kiss her, not to take her to bed and fuck her until we were both exhausted.

Sarah slowly scraped her teeth over her bottom lip and the look in her eyes made me want to throw the rules I had set for myself out of the window. I was only going to kiss her on her cheek and go to my own room, but something on Sarah's face told me she wouldn't be happy with that. _Oh god. I've seen this look. This is the look she got in her hotel room when she played with fire and liked it._ I asked once again to who ever was up there to give me strength to say no to this. I wanted her. I wanted to give in to how hot she made me, but I can't take that step with her until I know how she feels.

I kissed the back of her hand and she looked like she was going to yell at me or something, and I knew deep down that things would be awkward between us in the morning but she asked me to let her stick to her baby steps and that's the only thing I could do for her to make her see that she can trust me.

"Sweet dreams and I'll see you in the morning." It took all my self restraint to walk away from her and as soon as I closed my door behind me, I went and took a very cold shower.

I couldn't sleep. I spent a long time trying to, but all the while something in my mind kept telling me something wasn't right. It wasn't a feeling like something bad has just happened, it was more like something was missing. I had been through my whole bedtime routine of getting washed or having a shower then brushing my teeth, stretching my shoulder and laying in bed before turning out the light. _I didn't fold my clothes._

I got back out of bed and folded my clothes and lay them on a chair beside the bed. _There...now I've done everything. Time to sleep._

It was driving me insane. I tried to ignore the smell of Sarah on my pillow, but her scent was intoxicating and it made it difficult to put it out of my head that I needed her with me. _She was right here in this bed last night. She was right here in my arms, sound asleep._ I even went so far as to lay at the wrong side of the bed, the side Sarah made me sleep at, but nothing worked. I told myself that it was Sarah that was missing, but I couldn't let myself agree. _I can't be this nuts over her. I just can't. _

But no matter how many arguments or inner debates I had, the truth is that I love her. I smile when I think of her, I feel like a better person when I'm with her and even though she's sleeping in the next room, I miss her. I miss her hand on my chest, gently stroking and caressing like she was going on intuition. I miss the sweet coconut scent of her hair and the way her nose crinkles when she gives me that sexy giggle of hers. _Go be with her. Be with Sarah. My Sarah._

It was 2:55 and I knew she would be fast asleep but I really wanted to go to her bed and hold her. I laughed to myself remembering what Stewie told me when I arrived here. _'...__so you can creep in without getting too lost'_ I really want to creep in her room and climb into bed with her, but I made the decision to give her what it is she really needs and not what she thinks I want. _Baby steps._

_It's no use. I can't sleep without her._ I let go of the pillow I didn't realize I had been holding and tried to stop myself from going to her room, but I semi-consciously found myself putting on my shirt, only fastening half the buttons, and put my trousers back on and opened my door. _Even if she lets you into her bed, how are you going to keep your hands off?_ I didn't have the answer to that but I honestly didn't care right now. _She'll be asleep, just get in her bed and lay with her. _

I saw a light come on from under her door. _She's awake? _I knocked softly, but the light darkened. _Well, she __did have a lot to drink, she's probably using the bathroom._

I decided to give it a few minutes and then knock again figuring I could ask her to share her bed, rather than just creep in. _But if she's awake, then maybe I could get her to talk about a real date. Maybe even for her to tell me if she feels anything for me._ "Stupid." I berated myself under my breath for thinking that she would ever be mine.

I heard soft footfalls on the other side of the door, so I knocked softly again. The footsteps stopped and there was complete silence. I turned the handle and called her name before I came in so I didn't startle her.

"Mark? What the Hell are you doing? I almost took your head off." She startled me instead. I peered around her door and looked at her hand held high, ready to clobber an intruder with a paperback book.

I laughed at her and went in. She wasn't completely visible, just a silhouette. A silhouette with great legs!

"I thought you would have been asleep hours ago. Are you all right?" There she was showing me concern again. It warmed me to know she cares, but confused me too.

"I'm fine, sweetheart. I just can't sleep." Sarah offered to go and heat some milk for me and the confusion got stronger. _ Is she willing to do that for me, or is she just looking to run away?_

I tugged her arm and pulled her away from the door and held her in my arms, in the place that I wanted her to feel happy. "I just need you." I felt her tense, but she still reciprocated and wrapped her arm around my back and placed her other hand on my chest. The soothing feeling that it always seemed to bring was still there.

Sarah had relaxed a bit, but she stopped stroking my chest and her hand loosened from around my back.

"I don't know what's going on." I felt her shake her head and I'm sure her question was only meant to be heard by her, but now it seemed clear as day to me that she was just as confused about things as I am. _My bad. First I tell her I want to send the night with her, then I yell at her for thinking that's all I want and now I'm in her room in the middle of the night telling her I need her. No wonder she's confused. _

"I'm sorry. I just thought going to bed alone would be the right thing to do, the gentleman thing to do, but I can't sleep without you next to me." I know it didn't clear up anything, but I made a decision to talk all this through in the morning. After I could get some sleep knowing she was right beside me.

She looked up at me, and I couldn't see anything in her face that would tell me what she wants. I couldn't really see anything. Period. "Do you mind if I sleep in here with you, sweetheart? I promise I will be a perfect gentleman." I figured that would put her at ease, but it didn't. She tensed again before placing both her hands on my chest.

"What if I'm not a perfect lady?" _What the fuck?_ Sarah placed a gentle kiss on my lips and it felt incredible. _Is this what she really wants?_ "Am I out of line?" _Hell no!_ Her hands slid up my to my collar and her nails lightly tickled the side of my neck as she kissed me again, pressing her lips against my mouth more firmly and for longer. Every part of me wanted to kiss her back, but I didn't want her to hate me in the morning for allowing her to do something I think she's not ready for.

I had to push her away, I had to know what to do because I couldn't hold myself back much longer.

I tried to explain she needs to stick to her baby steps, the baby steps she asked me for, and I couldn't wait until morning, I had to know right now what it is she wants from me.

I felt her lips on my chest, lightly kissing every inch, her hands explored my stomach and my back, sending me to a place I could only pray to escape from. I felt her body pressed against mine and there was nothing to stop me from pushing her down and fucking her until I made her tell me how she feels. I almost begged her to tell me what she wants from me, but either she didn't hear me or she chose to just show me instead.

I slid my hand under her shirt and grabbed her ass, holding her against the hardness she had created and my cock was screaming to be inside her. I made her look at me, not that I could see much. "Please tell me what you want from me before I really lose it." _Last chance, because I'm going to fuck you in five seconds._

I think I saw a smile, but she soon buried her head in my neck and kissed me, her lips trailed up to my ear and my self control was all but gone.

"I want to feel you inside of me. I want you to make me feel." _Jesus fucking Christ. You've fucking had it now. _I pulled her head back and kissed her with a ferocity I didn't know I was capable of. Everything in me exploded with a need for her and as she pulled my shirt off, I knew this would be fucking incredible.

She pushed me against her door with a force that almost winded me but as soon as she pressed her body against mine and kissed me again, I didn't give a fuck what she did. I didn't give a fuck if a nuclear bomb went off.

I couldn't keep my hands off her, they took on a life of their own as I heard those fucking sexy moans try to escape from her mouth. All I needed was her, all I needed was to push into her and it would be all over. _I've got to slow down. I want to hear her scream._

I tried to push her away, just to slow things because I was in danger of spreading her legs and fucking her where she stood, but she just came back at me and pulled off my belt, showing me she wouldn't care if that's what I did. _No...I can't...I want to savor this._

I went behind her and kissed the back of her neck which was greeted with another soft moan that turned me on all the more, I reached my arm over her shoulder and slid my hand into the top of hr shirt. Her breasts felt full and her nipples were hard, I couldn't stop caressing her even if she begged me to.

"You have no idea how much I fucking want you. Tell me you don't want me to stop." I wasn't usually a talker, but I couldn't stop the power she has over me. I felt her hand reach back and she rested it on my thigh, and I could only just feel her nails dig in through my trousers. _If she fucking touches me, it's all over. _Her muscles tensed, but her body surrendered. Just hearing how much she relished it made me so hard, I wanted to be inside of her, to show her how much she excited me. I stroked the inside of her thigh, her body trembled as I touched her in between her legs, she was so wet, so hot. I slid a finger inside of her and back out again over and over, doing to her what I wanted to do with my cock and she felt fucking incredible. _Should I fuck her now? _I wanted to, but just listening to her moan and feel her body respond was intoxicating.

"I want to feel something too." I whispered to her. "I wanna feel you cum. Let me feel you cum baby."

She stood fully upright, pressing herself back into me, her ass rubbed against my cock and it made me want to fuck her hard, deep from behind. Her hand on my thigh moved higher, she brushed the tip of my cock and it made me catch my breath. Sarah unfastened my trousers and I couldn't wait, I needed her to touch me. She started lightly running her fingertips over my full length, seductively teasing me like she did this morning and I wanted to scream at her to put me out of my misery. she wrapped her hand around tightly and matched her rhythm to mine. _Fucking hell this feels so fucking good. _I was fighting the urge to fuck her, but I knew she was ready to cum. _So she cums and I fuck her until she cums again._

I felt the inside of her tighten, she was ready to be taken over the edge.

"Faster...Mark...please." _Fuck, the way she says my name. _With that, Sarah's body trembled and I could tell she was stifling a scream. _God, this feels fucking amazing. _I almost came with her.

I turned her around and I was so close to just fucking her there and then, but I caught her face in the soft light that was now shining on her. Her face flushed and glowing and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen. The way her lips were slightly parted, the way a strand of her hair always connected with her eyelashes, her big lustrous blue eyes. As much as I wanted her to know how much she turned me on, this wasn't about sex any more, this was intimacy and the need to be a part of her. A part of her body. Her life. Her heart.

"This is deep shit." Sarah said and I really couldn't have put it better myself. I kissed her and she responded like she didn't want this to ever end.

I couldn't stop thinking of how she let go and how she gave in to how she felt during her climax and I wanted to see it again, I wanted to make her lose control over and over.

The kiss became wild and unrestrained as I struggled to not give into this just yet, I didn't feel like I had touched and tasted her enough, but feeling her nails scratch down my back brought back the fantasies I have had of her digging in as I fuck her. _I can't hold on...I want to..no. That isn't right. I NEED to fuck her._

As soon as I felt Sarah take off my trousers, I stepped out of them and lifted her up, ready to fuck her against the door, her legs wrapped themselves around me and I couldn't keep my hands off them. _This is it. _

I was just about to enter her when something stopped me. From a lot of experience, it hurt a woman when I first slid into them and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sarah. My Sarah. I told her it may hurt, but not for long and I felt her nod her head, giving me permission to do to her what I wanted to do to her since the first time I saw her.

I felt her tighten but no sooner she relaxed again and let out a soft moan and I didn't know if it was because she was in pain. "Is this OK?" I stopped pushing any deeper and waited for her to tell me what to do.

"No. It's not enough." _Fuck..._ I said something but I don't know what as my head was telling me I should still take it easy. But Sarah had other ideas. She crossed her legs around my back, causing me to push deeper into her and I have never felt anything so amazing in my life.

I couldn't take anymore. I tried to take things slow and steady, trying to make things last but the way she felt, the way she was so vocal in her gratification made me lose myself completely to her. Every thing I have is hers. _I want her forever._

I slowed once more and looked into her eyes, and I saw my life with her. I saw what could lay beyond this week and the next and it was something I had to have.

"Sarah...stay with me..." I hoped that she knew what I was asking of her.

"I'm not going anywhere." I heard a sincerity in her voice that gave me hope she was mine.

I kissed her with as much feeling as my heart could give and it brought me closer to the edge but it didn't feel enough. I needed to be deeper in her, I needed to be closer still. I put my arms around her back ready to move her over to the bed but as I did, I felt the deepness I needed to feel and Sarah's nails dug right into my neck.

I laid her on the bed and I stopped everything. The look of desire on her face was divine. I knew she wanted me to keep going, I could have so easily gave in to her, but I still wanted to savour this. I unbuttoned the rest of her shirt, teasing her as I went. She licked her lips, the want and need to climax was written all over her face. _Not yet. _ I leaned in and my lips tasted her breasts, my tongue teased her nipples, I could feel myself wanting to let go and show her what she did to me. Her legs squeezed around my waist, trying to draw me deeper into her, and I couldn't deny her. I pushed hard and she took all of me inside her. The feeling was exquisite and I didn't care if I lost my soul.

Sarah's breathing was erratic and we were both so close to peaking. I couldn't keep my hands off her, I slid one hand under her ass, she responded in force. She screamed out and she dug her nails in. _Jackpot! _

Sarah arched her back, and I couldn't hold on any longer. The feeling surged through me like electricity surges through water.

"Mark...you're going to make me...I want to feel you..."

I kissed her, cutting off what she was going to say but hearing her say my name...I couldn't control myself. I could feel Sarah's muscles contract around me, she screamed out with intense pleasure and it pushed me over the edge.

Everything was black. I couldn't move, I didn't want to move. Sarah still had her legs around my waist and I could feel the tremors still raging through her. _Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. She is going to kill me. But what a way to go!_

It was getting light outside and I was exhausted. I was still trying to catch my breath and take in what had just happened but I couldn't think straight, I couldn't come to terms with how much better it was than my fantasies of her. _Fuck me that felt amazing._

"I never knew it would be this good between us. I always thought it would be great, but that was something else!" Sarah let out a little giggle that I hoped was her agreement. I placed a kiss on her chest and felt her body shudder. _I wish I could keep going but I'm so tired._

I put my hands under her back and picked her up, her legs still wrapped around me, and I asked if she was ready for sleep now.

"Yeah. You tired me out!" A sexy little smile spread across her lips and that look she got made me want to do this again, but I was just way too tired. _I'll only need an hour and then I can fuck her all over again._

I pulled back the covers and lay Sarah down. She looked tired too, but still beautiful.

I got in bed beside her and I could see something was wrong. She didn't look sad or angry, but she had that far away look she got when she was in her own little world.

I brushed the hair away from her face and asked her to tell me what she was thinking, but she didn't look happy with the idea of sharing. She gave her favorite answer of 'nothing' and I wished she would just be honest for once. I asked her again but as soon as I did, I got a bad feeling that she was going to tell me that whatever we had between us was over.

"I was just wondering why you were still in my bed. I'm not used to company after sex." _She thinks I won't be here when she wakes? How...Why would she think that?_ I knew she had trust issues and maybe this was why she had her 'no one night stand' rule. She was use to being used.

"I told you I'm not a bad guy. I'm not going anywhere." I kissed her and she responded before I felt her tense up and she tried to get out of bed saying she had to turn out the bathroom light. I pulled her arm, saying that I would do it and her skin felt cold to the touch. _Why is she trying to run away? _I got out of bed and went to the bathroom.

I came back and Sarah had wrapped herself in the duvet like a little cocoon and had her back to me. I didn't know if I should read anything into it or not, so I just carried on as normal. I lay next to her and asked her to come cuddle up to me, I didn't think she would at first, but she nestled in what was becoming her usual spot and her hand stroked my chest. The feeling of anything being possible returned and I just knew that no matter how hard I had to work at getting her to be close to me, it would be worth it.

I felt so tired and looking at the clock, seeing that we had both been awake for almost 24 hours, made me even more sleepy.

"I told you I couldn't sleep without you. I knew you were all I needed." I held her tight but she didn't respond in any way. For a second I thought she was asleep, but she turned her head slightly to look at the clock so I knew she was awake. She hadn't said a word to me since trying to give me an excuse of the bathroom light so she could run off. _What's wrong?_ I hated the feeling it brought, I hated not knowing what she was thinking about what had happened between us and I hated not knowing what she feels. I felt her eyelashes tickle my chest every time she blinked and all sorts went through my mind about what was going through her mind.

"I didn't hurt you did I? Are you OK?" I felt her take a breath, like it was a chore for her and she said she was fine and that she was OK. _She sounds so tired. I hope that's all this is._

I could feel her eyelashes close for the last time and I took advantage of her exhausted state. I figured she would be too tired to put up a fight or to make any excuses or to deflect.

"Sarah? How do you feel sweetheart?" I should have asked how she feels about me, but I don't want to push her more than I have to.

She stopped stroking my chest and her eyes never opened. "Happy." It was almost the perfect answer to end the almost perfect day. I felt her body get heavy and her breath became deeper. She had fallen asleep on me again.

I kissed the top of her head and held her tight. "I love you."


	29. The Longest Day

**CHAPTER TWENTY NINE**

**The Longest Day.**

My body was still purring with contentment as I woke, but my head didn't agree. _I want to go back to sleep...What time is it?_ I looked at the clock and it was almost 8:30. _Christ, I haven't slept in this late since...ever._

Mark's arm was still under me and he started to wriggle before pulling his arm away and turning over. _Is that it now? Is he out of my system?_ I waited for an answer from myself, but the jury was still out. I turned to face Mark's back and I saw the damage I had done. _Ouch!_ I traced the claw marks on his skin that I made with my nails and I couldn't hold back a smile thinking of how amazing it was between us last night. _I mean this morning. Was that only a few hours ago?_

Mark said good morning and it startled me because I thought he was still sleeping. He reached back and took my hand and placed it over his chest.

"Just stay here a while longer before you rush off." _Where am I rushing to?_ My stomach told me it would be a good idea to rush off for breakfast, but my tired eyes told me it would be a good idea to never rush doing any thing ever again.

"I can't be bothered to rush off. I'm too tired to even go for a wee." _Too much information!_ I felt Mark chuckle and he held my hand tighter and told me to go back to sleep.

I could have gone back over, but I couldn't sleep the day away. "I'll have to get up soon, it's half past eight."

"So what? Have a sleep in with me." Mark turned back over and waited for me to cuddle up to him. _Oh Hell..why not?_

Mark was sound asleep, but I couldn't relax enough to drift off. I couldn't relax knowing it was gone nine and I couldn't relax until the jury had finished it's deliberations. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at Mark sleeping. _Can I forget him?_ Something from the start told me it would take more than one night to get him out of my system, but I didn't know how many more nights it would take.

I looked at Mark sleeping so peacefully. _How do you feel, sweetheart? _Mark asked me that before I fell asleep and it was a bloody good question. _Could I be happy with him? _I felt the same idiotic grin on my face that I got every time I thought about him and that should have told me something, but I had to be practical about this. I lay back down on his chest and he held me tight to him.

"Stay here with me." Mark asked, half asleep. _He's asked me that before._ I knew he thought I was always running from him, I had given him plenty of reason to think that, but what would happen after this week? I hadn't given it any real thought and I didn't like the idea of this being over. I didn't like it one little bit. I really had to think this through and as clear as I could see the forking road in my mind, I couldn't see which way to step. _Need a cuppa first!_

I drank my tea and ate porridge with honey before putting on a pot of coffee for when Mark woke and went to tidy up my little garden. _What did all this mean?_

Although Mark did something incredibly romantic with this moonlit picnic, I didn't quite know the reasons behind why he did it. My instincts of the past would have told me it was because he wanted to get me into bed, but my logic told me that if it's all he wanted, then why didn't he follow me into my room last night?

I wasn't sure what I think about last night and what I feel is still being taken under advisement.

I tidied up everything and took another cuppa out to my garden and fed the fish. I watched them frolic in a little patch of sun that was shining on part of the pond. _Stupid fish. You have it so easy._

I sat on the little swing seat and sipped my tea while I tried to come to terms with last night. I couldn't stop thinking of Mark's touch and his kisses but that wasn't why I needed to clarify things. There was absolutely no doubt that the sex was great and there was absolutely no doubt that I liked spending time with him, but what would happen after this week? Was last night the first step in a fling? _Come on Sarah, think about this logically. Right. Start with the cons._ _He lives in another country, so would I be able to trust him? He has kids and an ex-wife. He is always on the road, just like my dad. He has a temper. I could never love him._

The last point was kind of the answer. If I could never love him, then what would be the point in even considering taking this somewhere? _OK, don't think all negative, think of the pro's now._

_He makes me smile like an idiot! We have things in common. I like being around him. He's sweet and romantic. He sees through most of my crap and the sex was great!_ I smiled like an idiot once more before I weighed everything up.

My tea had long gone and the sun was now high in the sky. Every con told me it wouldn't work long term and every pro told me it was great between us for now. It's not necessarily what I wanted deep down, but it made sense for this to just be a fling. It was the logical thing to do. _So why does it feel like the end of the world?_

"You've been out here for an hour, sweetheart. Are you planning on staying out here all day?" Mark brought me a cup of tea and sat down next to me. I looked in his eyes and I was confused again.

_Why doesn't logic feel right? It's always served me so well before, so why has it failed me now?_

I said the time got away, which it did, and Mark asked what I wanted to get away from. _Oh, crap. I told him I come out here when I need to get away from things. Stupid garden._

"I came to feed the fish and I just sat watching them. I didn't realise they put me in a coma!" I was fibbing a little bit and Mark knew it. _Pro: He knows me better than most._

"You have seemed distant since last night. Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"No." _Oops. I didn't mean to say that. Stupid mouth._ "I mean I'm not running away from anything, I'm just thinking about some stuff and I thought I was done, but now I'm not so sure." _Again with this stupid garden!_

"And I suppose you're not going to tell me what you need to think about? Were you trying to get away from me? Is there something you want to tell me?" Mark was getting cross and normally I would shy away, but I have had more than enough of that in my life.

"What do you want me to tell you? That last night was last night and we're done? Mark, if that's what you want then it's fine with me, don't feel bad." Mark stood up and he was not a happy puppy. Neither was I. I tried to keep with what was logical and probably for the best, but a fear of Mark never being in my bed again squeezed my lungs, pushing all the air out until I felt I was going to die.

"Will you stop with this fucking defensive shit and for once tell me what you're thinking. I want to know what's going on with you and I want you to stop with all of this cryptic bullshit and give me a straight answer." _Con: He doesn't give up._

I could feel my temper rising and I had to bite my tongue to stop from telling him to leave me alone, but something in my chest didn't want him to walk away.

"Please just tell me what's going on sweetheart." Mark knelt down in front of me and put his hands on my legs. His eyes softened but I could still see the frustration that lay behind them. _Pro: He doesn't give up._

"OK, what do you want to know?" _Time to take another bite of the bullet._

Mark looked puzzled with my sudden U-turn but I had to at least try to take another baby step towards him. "All right. Can you tell me why you take birth control when you said you can't have kids?" _Oh, double crap. I can't tell him the truth on this. I can't._

"I take the pill to ease my periods." I hoped Mark would do the typical man thing and run a mile as soon as he heard anything that suggested a menstrual cycle.

"Are you sure? Because you look far too worried for it to be about periods." _Damn it, Mark. Just drop it._

"You want me to be honest?" Mark nodded his head and I could feel the darkness take hold of my heart and squeeze. "I can't talk about this with anyone. Not you, not Stewie or even Alex. No one knows and no one will ever know." My blood pressure rose to such a degree, I could feel the blood forcing it's way around my head.

Mark said he could see how much I didn't want to talk about it and dropped it after saying he was going to hold me to the bargain I made last night about telling him another day. _I never said 'I promise'._ I planned to stick to my loophole.

I tried to explain that I couldn't tell him what I thought and Mark got mad at me again, yelling that this is why we are in the situation we are in and that he had almost had enough. _Will he leave? Will he give up on me?_ The feeling of being on the brink of death made me see I could no longer go through this any more. If this is what being close to someone feels like, then you can have it. I don't like this and I don't like how people can say it's good to have someone in your life. It was for the best if he did leave. _But what I feel when we are together..._

"I know that, I know this is all my fault, but you have to understand I can't let you in and I can't ever believe that I could be happy because I'm just not capable of it." _Except with him. Why can't I just tell him that?_ I tried to speak up and tell Mark that I wanted to be happy with him but no words came out, it was as if an invisible hand had clamped itself over my mouth.

"I don't believe you are so incapable of being happy. You seemed just fine to me last night and you have seemed fine since I got here, so what's changed? What have I done to make you think you can't be happy?" Mark looked upset now and I felt terrible for him thinking it was his fault. So terrible that I told him anything I could to make him feel like this wasn't down to him.

"This isn't because of you, Mark. I've always been unhappy, I've always lived a lie and you haven't done anything wrong so please don't blame yourself for the way I am." _It's other peoples fault._

"Are you sure I haven't done anything?" Mark held my hand and I could see the hurt in his eyes. _Oh, don't look at me like that...just believe what I've told you._ A question entered my head, asking what is it that I have actually told him? I told him it's not his fault, but I haven't told him anything to make him believe me. I haven't told him anything that will take the hurt out of his eyes. It was time to be a little honest and hope by being weak for just a few minutes would make him feel better.

"You have done one thing." I intended on finishing the sentence in one go, but Mark snapped his head up and looked even more upset. "You've confused me. Since being little, I always knew I was different from others and it took a long time to accept that I would never be like other people. I live my life just fine and I like to see other people happy, it's just that I don't feel it myself. I don't feel much of anything. Not until you came along and now I don't know what to believe any more."

A glimmer of...something appeared in Mark's eyes. I don't know what that something was, but it made the hurt in his eyes go away. He got up and started pacing and rubbing his beard. _What's he thinking about?_

"Mark? Are you all right?" I worried that he was going to tell me he was going to give up, that he has had enough of my inability to feel anything real, just like so many others have before. Mark stopped in his tracks and knelt in front of me, his expression was one of wonderment, looking at me as if I were a mirage in the dessert. My heart stalled and my mouth went dry. Fear and panic ran through my bones, like I was looking Death in the face, but the face that was looking back was calm and soft and his beautiful green eyes glistened.

"I love you." _WHAT?_

"Are you fucking crazy?" I jumped up and had no where to turn. The world felt smaller and the oxygen was rapidly running out and I thought I was going to pass out from the complete mental overload.

"How can you say that? You've only been here three days for fuck sake."

"That's all you have to say? You are un-fucking-believable!" He yelled so loudly and I knew I had screwed up again, but I couldn't believe he would say those words without thinking.

"Did you expect me to say it back? I told you I can't feel those things. I can't ever love you."

Mark walked back towards the house and slammed the kitchen door shut behind him. _What have I just done? Me and my stupid mouth._

I ran the shower, not fully conscious of what I was doing and I stepped in and let the water run over me, and prayed for my brain to start working again, but it never did and no matter how hot the water was, it didn't wash away this bad feeling. _Why did I say those things? Why wasn't I just open with him? What if he gives up on me?_ I felt something warm run down my cheek. _It's not a tear, it's just water from the shower. I don't cry. He will never make me cry._

I had cried hard and felt like I was going to pass out from all the heat and steam so I sat on the cold bathroom floor for an eternity before I heard Mark go down the stairs and out the front door, still banging and crashing as he went.

I went about my normal Sunday stuff, like a bit of housework and some paperwork, but nothing felt right. It was almost 4 in the afternoon and Mark had been gone for hours. There was no cohesion to anything any more and I really couldn't function, I was a complete basket case. _I need Alex._ I picked up my phone and then remembered he was still in Hong Kong until Thursday. _I need Stewie. _I called him but there was no answer. I left a message, saying I had fucked up big time and I needed help. _I need Mark._ I looked at my contacts list and stared at his name blankly, but I never called. _I need vodka._

Another hour had passed since Mark left and I was on the verge of cracking up. _ Where has he gone? Has he gone? _A panic took hold of me like I had never experienced before and I almost burst into tears at the thought that Mark had left to go back home. I ran into his room to see if his things were still here. _Thank fuck._ His clothes were still hung up and his suitcase was still poking out from under the bed. The relief that he hadn't left made me stop and think about how I felt about Mark. I went back to the sofa and tried to dull the noise of the alarm that was ringing in my head. _Why am I so relieved he's still her? It would make things so much easier if he just left._ But I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want things to be easy.

I heard the front door open and my heart raced. "Mark?"

"No babes. Just me." _Fuck._

I put my drink down and Stewie looked at the low ball glass of clear liquid and then looked at me like I was an alcoholic. "I've had one. This is my second."

"Just never known you to drink during the day for a long time." He meant since My dad and since Eddie. "Do you want to tell me what it is you've fucked up?" He sat beside me on the couch and I couldn't help it. I burst in to tears and I couldn't stop. "Mother of fuck, you sure you've only had two?"

I filled Stewie in on what had happened today and it never occurred to me that it was weird how he didn't look surprised and my brain never caught up enough to wonder why.

"When Mark told you he loves you, did you believe him?" I thought back to the emotion I saw in his eyes and there was no mistake.

"I believe he believes it. But it's only been a few days, how can he say that? How is it possible to feel that when you don't even really know someone?"

"I think you should be asking Mark these things, not me. But I think you should hold off for a while until you know what it is you want to say, if you're not sure, then how will you make him understand?"

Stewie was right and I did need to think about why I was so outraged by Mark's words. I knew I didn't trust what he said, I never have trusted those words, but I had never been bothered about shutting a guy down before.

"I don't know what to do, Stewie. I really screwed things up and now I've lost the only person I could see myself being happy with." I felt the tears threaten to fall again, but I had to push them back.

"Everything will be OK, babes. You've made some monumental fuck ups and you've been a nasty bitch at times, but do you think this can't be fixed?" I shrugged my shoulders. "You will just have to be honest with Mark about what it is you do feel, because that's the only thing that could fix this."

"I tried to tell him I can't feel those things, I really tried. What can I do, Stewie?" I knew my voice was starting to crack and it almost sounded like I was pleading with Stewie to wave a magic wand and make things right, but I am the only one who could try and get out of bettering things. I was ready to admit to myself that I didn't want to lose Mark. I guess I just had to admit that to him too.

Stewie had left without staying dinner, which led me to believe I was back in 'The Twilight Zone', so I didn't bother either. It seemed pointless cooking for one. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep, but as it approached 9 and was getting dark, the worry about Mark gave me a second wind. _Where is he? What if something has happened?_

I sent him a text asking if he was OK and made a strong black coffee. I drank that and I still hadn't heard from Mark. _Oh god, what if he's been run over? Or what if he got into a fight?_ I thought about how mad he was when he stormed out and I couldn't hold back the tears again. I had been holding them back for too long and now the dam was bursting.

I guess I fell asleep. Everywhere was dark and I felt cold. I looked at my phone and hadn't had any calls or any word from Mark. _It's 10PM. Is he back?_ I got up and closed the curtains and turned on the lights, which hurt my eyes and hurt my head. I went up the stairs and there was no sign of life. _Where is he?_ The panic I had felt for the majority of the day had returned and I sent Mark another text telling him to just let me know that he was all right. I wondered whether he was punishing me for being so awful to him and if he was, then it was what I deserved.

My head started pounding as went into to my room, I could feel the blood trying to force it's way through the tiny capillaries and vessels but without much success

I got changed for bed and put the central heating on. I couldn't stop picturing what had happened in this bed...and what had happened before we got into bed. I tried to shake the images away, which only caused more pain to my head, but it never worked any way. Paracetamol could take the pain in my head away, but the only thing that would take away the rest of the pain was Mark being here now telling me everything was OK and I had to face what it would take for that to happen. I had to find some way to tell him I couldn't go a day without him. Being without him today has been horrible and I missed him dearly and I had no idea how I would feel when he goes back home.

_I'm hungry. _My stomach yelled at me that I hadn't had any sustenance since breakfast and it was empty. I got as far as preheating the oven to cook myself a frozen lasagne because I couldn't be arsed to make one from scratch and I heard my phone sound off. _Mark?_

I raced to my phone and I didn't even bother looking at the caller ID.

'Mark?' I said hopefully, but all I could hear was loud dance music.

'Sorry about this, but can you come in and work the bar? We are getting slaughtered here, it's like a fucking convention.'

'Are you kidding me, David? I've had two hours sleep and I've got other things on right now.' The last thing I needed was to leave Mark a note saying I was working, he'd be so mad at me. David begged me to come in, he was short staffed and it was unusually busy.

'Fine, OK. I'll be there in half an hour.'

I got dressed in the clothes I usually work in. A 'V' neck red t-shirt and skinny jeans with my knee high stiletto boots over them. I looked in the mirror and brushed my hair and tied it in a high pony tail and applied some concealer. _I look like crap. This stuff isn't going to cut it._ I had to do the full works.

I turned the oven off and left my half cooked lasagne and grabbed my bag and my car keys.

I drove to the club in my little TVR because it was easier to weave through traffic in and got to the parking bay at the back of my club 35 minutes after David's phone call. _Not bad timing! _The rain had started again, like it had been for most of the evening and my hair was soaked by the time it took to walk two yards from my car to the staff entrance.

"Thank fuck you're here." David was flapping and I saw he wasn't kidding. The bar measured sixty foot and it was four people deep waiting to be served from end to end.

"I wish I never answered my phone!"

I got straight on with serving and the first person I served was none other than Jeff Hardy. _What? Maybe this is where Mark has been. His friends are here._

"You're a whole lot better looking than the heart attack waiting to happen!" He pointed to David and I had to laugh. It looked like I was about to witness spontaneous combustion first hand. I asked what he wanted to drink and told him it was on the house.

"Are you all sat together?"

"Yeah we are kind of spread out over those five big tables up there at the back" Jeff pointed to the curved couches that were up about six steps and over looked the bar and the dance floor. He took his drink and started talking to a blonde woman. I skimmed the table area to see if I could see Mark. I saw a few familiar faces, but no Mark.

The queue had started to go down and things were more manageable. I sent David and Mike on a break while things were manageable and the other two staff would go after them. Jeff Hardy had been hanging around and tried to talk to me a few times, but I knew of his reputation so I steered clear of any kind of flirting.

"How about I get you a drink for keeping us all happy with something nice to look at?"

Jeff was leaning on the bar and I could see his reflection in the mirror behind the shelf for the spirits and I didn't know if he was talking to me or to my arse, because that's where he was looking.

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't drink while I'm working." I went to serve a few other people and Jeff followed me to the other end of the bar and took up his leaning and leering position.

"What about when you get off work? Could I get you a drink then?"

I declined his very 'generous' offer and got back to work. I went to collect some empty glasses off the tables and didn't get very far.

"What are you doing here?" Kane got up and came to shake my hand, which was a pleasant surprise. Most people think that once they've met you, it gives them the right to invade your personal space with a hug.

"I was enjoying a quiet night in and then you lot showed up and made too much work for my staff so I got called in to help keep you all watered!"

"Well we all appreciate it don't we guys!" He held up his pint and the rest of the table followed suit. "I just remembered something. I owe you a Martini! How about it?"

"How about I go you one better and make you a squashed frog?"

"A fuck...I mean a what?" _Why do men always think they shouldn't swear in front of me?_

"It's a new recipe from a friend up north. Come on, I'll show you."

I went back behind the bar and poured the ingredients into a shot glass. "The trick is to pour in the advocaat first, then the midori, which sits on the top and then slowly trickle a small amount of grenadine down one side so it settles at the bottom, so it looks like skin, crap in the middle and blood. Hence squashed frog!"

"OK, I'm game." Kane, or Glenn -it still seemed weird calling them by their real names – drank it in one and nodded. "That's pretty good!" I poured him another and then Jeff came back.

"How come you'll talk to this big idiot but not me?" Jeff smiled as he said it, otherwise I would have told him to piss off.

"Because this big idiot isn't following me around like a little idiot." I smiled to take the sting out of the tail and Glenn laughed at him.

"I'm going to go and tell the guys about this drink! Get pouring!" Glenn went off and Jeff was still leaning and leering.

Stewie came over and asked what I was doing here, only with a few more swear words and a lot more slurring. Randy Orton was stood next to Stewie and I laughed at the look on his face, I think he was trying to ask me for help!

"I got called in. Listen, thanks for earlier and I know how to fix things now."

"How's that then? You gonna stop being a bitch and give it up?" In other words, Stewie was asking if I was going to stop being defensive and tell Mark how I feel for him.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. Have you seen Mark?"

"No babes. He was in the last place we were at and he said he was right behind, but I haven't seen him in here. Hey, Randy, you seen 'Taker?" Stewie asked but then went to talk to David, his other crush, while Randy turned his attention to me.

"Oh, I forgot you were a 'Taker fan! Hey, John, you seen Calaway?" He looked over to John Cena who shook his head.

"No man, the last I heard he was off with Michelle." _What?_

"As in McCool? Since when?"

"Since for ages. They've been sleeping together for weeks. How can you not know that?" _They what? _I dropped the pint I had pulled for Randy all over the floor and felt like I was going to be sick. _He's sleeping with a diva? Is that where he's been today?_

"You OK?" Randy reached out and held on to my arm.

"Fuck babes. What's wrong?" Stewie came running over and he looked worried. _Fuck you Mark._

"Nothings wrong. Nothing at all. Who wants a drink?" I didn't even wait for an answer, I just got out nine shot glasses from the shelf under the bar and poured tequila into them all.

"I thought you said no drinking while working!" Jeff took one of the shot glasses and knocked it back.

"Fuck it." I poured another round and drank three down myself.

"Jesus fuck babes, are you sure you're all right?" _I don't know..._

I was about to tell Stewie that I had a momentary lapse and I wouldn't drink any more, but then Mark walked in. With Michelle McCool.

"Yeah. I'm just fucking peachy." I poured another round.


	30. WTF?

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

**WTF?**

_Is that Sarah?_ Something tickled my back, a light caress that traced it's way down my shoulder blades, creating a slight sting. _She's assessing her damage!_ I couldn't keep the smile back as thoughts of last night flooded my conciseness, every thing still as fresh and as vivid.

"Good morning, sweetheart."

"Oh...er...morning." Sarah sounded startled and for a second I wondered if she was startled because she couldn't run off before I woke.

I reached back and took her hand and brought it to my chest, my eyes closed and my body shut down. Even feeling her body against mine still didn't override the need for more sleep.

"I'll have to get up soon, it's half past eight." _Is that all? No wonder I'm tired._ But I still didn't want her to go. I wanted to stay in bed with her all day.

I turned on my back and Sarah looked unsure of whether or not she wanted to cuddle up to me, but she nestled in the place she fit perfectly.

Feeling her finger tips gently float across my chest and knowing she was here with me sent me back into a deep slumber.

_Where is she?_ I couldn't feel Sarah in my arms any more and I turned over to find she wasn't in bed either. I sat and stretched, still not feeling like I have had enough sleep and saw the time. It was just after 10 and my stomach groaned that it was empty. _I need a shower to wake up._

I went to the bathroom and realised it wasn't mine, I was in Sarah's room and I didn't have any of my things. _She'll have something I can use._

I looked in the shower cubicle and she only had a feminine scented shower gel so I looked in one of the cupboards under the sink and it only had cleaning products. I opened the medicine cabinet and I found a relatively unisex shower gel that I could use. As I was about to close the mirrored door, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye on the bottom shelf of the medicine cabinet. _Birth control pills?_ It was a small strip of little yellow pills that had two blisters left and today's had been taken. I felt a bomb go off in my head and I didn't know what to make of it. _Why does she need birth control if she can't have children? _

This was too much confusion to work through before I was properly awake so I took a shower and opened the curtains. Grey clouds looked menacing in their approach and from the look of the ivy and the trees outside, it was quite breezy too. _Oh well. I guess we will just have to spend the day in bed!_ I liked the thought and as I looked out of the window, I saw Sarah in her little part of the garden sat on a swing seat twirling her hair. _What does she think about?_ It brought a smile to my face how she was so in her head at times, but then she started to shake her head and then pace back and forth, like she was having an argument with an imaginary friend. _What is she thinking about? Is she thinking about us?_ What ever it was, it didn't look good.

I made a coffee for myself and as I put the spoon in the sink and noticed Sarah had left her breakfast dish unwashed. _She ALWAYS does the dishes, even if it's just one plate. Something must be distracting her if she's left dishes unwashed._ I looked out of the kitchen window and I couldn't see Sarah. I couldn't even see where her little garden was and then I remembered what she told me. _ 'This is where I go if I need some time to myself and get away from everything.'_ My heart sank as I thought about last night and it never really worried me at the time, but she was so quiet after we had sex and then this morning, she was so unsure of being in my arms. _Is she trying to get away from me? Does she not want to face me and hear me say that she makes me happy?_

She told me that she doesn't like to hear compliments or sentiments because she thinks it's a ploy to get her into bed, but we are past that stage now and I honestly don't know what she would think of how I feel about her. As far as I am concerned, this is it. This is me and this is her together. _Maybe it's just a lot for her to get used to._

I gave her some more time while I had something to eat and drank my coffee. I did the dishes while I boiled the kettle to take a cup of tea out to Sarah. She had been out there since I got up this morning and it was almost lunch time now. _What does she need to think about?_

I walked to find her sat on a seat, head hanging. _Oh, this cannot be good._

"You've been out here for at least an hour, sweetheart. Are you planning on staying out here all day?" I sat beside her and tried to take her hand, but she flinched, not looking like she wanted me any where near her. As she looked in my eyes, she looked in pain. Not physical pain, but her face was ashen and she looked really tired. Her eyes didn't sparkle like they always do and I had to wonder if I had done or said something to upset her.

"I just...I came out here to drink my tea and I guess the time just got away from me." She sipped her tea, not looking at me once and I didn't believe that was all there is to it.

"Why are you still out her? What is is you need to get away from?" I knew it was something I wouldn't want to hear when she gave me a second, contradicting excuse of why she was out here so long.

I said she had been distant and I saw her squint her eyes, knowing she couldn't hide from me, and I asked if she was going to tell me what it was all about, and without taking breath, she quite firmly said 'no'.

She shook her head and followed up with that she wasn't trying to get away from anything and then she, quite honestly, said she had some things to think about.

"And I suppose you're not going to tell me what you need to think about? Were you trying to get away from me? Is there something you want to tell me about last night?" I don't know why I bothered asking. Even before I did, I knew she would either tell me 'nothing' or she would tell me a load of bull shit and it got me pissed that I knew her too well to know she wouldn't be honest with me.

"What do you want me to tell you? That last night was last night and we're done? Mark, if that's what you want then it's fine with me, don't feel bad." She looked at me blankly, but there was no way I could remain so calm.

I had to stand before I shook some sense into her. I thought last night had meant something for her, I thought that last night we were finally together. I looked down at her and before she caught me looking, I saw a wave of emotion sweep across her face. _Is she deliberately trying to push me away? _And then I saw it. As soon as Sarah looked up at me, her face neutralised and all emotion was gone. _Is she covering up?_ _Is she acting? _ What ever it was, I had just about had all I could take. If we were going to be together, she just had to fucking accept it and tell me what the fuck is going on.

My patience was running very thin and I yelled at her to stop being so cryptic. I yelled louder than expected and I know I had to watch my temper around her now that I knew about her last boyfriend, but she always managed to bring it out in me. I caught the flash of fear she tried to hide from me and it hurt my heart that I could be the cause of that fear.

"Please just tell me what's going on sweetheart." I knelt in front of her so I could see anything in her face that would give her away. I prepared for her to hiss at me or deflect or something, but she actually looked right at me and gave a comforting smile.

"OK, what do you want to know?" _What? She's willing to talk?_

I asked about why she needed birth control, I should have started simple, but I had to know. I had to ask now before I got distracted with some thing else. The fear I saw on her face moments ago returned with backup. She looked terrified before she calmed herself and told me it was for 'women's problems' _She's fucking lying to me._

I called her on it and I saw the fire in her eyes ignite. She vehemently spat that she would never talk about it with anyone and I more or less had to like it or lump it. _What has happened to her?_

"Sweetheart, I can see how upsetting this is for you, and I'm willing to drop it for now, but please keep your word and tell me about this one day?"

"I never gave you my word, I never said I promise. I don't want to ever talk about it. I don't want to talk any more." She folded her arms and sulked like a little brat who was told she couldn't spoil her dinner.

"Your not talking is the exact fucking reason we are in this mess. Start talking now, or I walk." My temper flared again but even through the red mist, I knew it was an empty threat. I could never leave her. _What if she pretends to say she's not bothered so she doesn't get hurt? Or what if looking happy is the act?_

I thought back to her taking her first baby step when she held my hand, letting me know she wanted to try and shake what ever demons hold her back. _That wasn't an act. That look in her eyes couldn't be faked, so what changed since waking up this morning?_

"I don't believe you are so incapable of being happy. You seemed just fine to me last night and you have seemed fine since I got here, so what's changed? What have I done to make you think you can't be happy?" Sarah said she never has been happy and I couldn't understand, no matter how she tried to explain things, I tried to get her to tell me if I had done anything wrong, but she went back to telling me she's always lived a lie and that it's who she is.

"Are you sure I haven't done anything?" I reached out to take her hand and to my surprise, she didn't pull away. _Which parts are pretend? Was dinner a lie? Was taking me to her bed a lie? Or is it this? Is all this she's telling me the lie?_

"You have done one thing...You've confused me. Since being little, I always knew I was different from others and it took a long time to accept that I would never be like other people. I live my life just fine and I like to see those I care about happy, it's just that I don't feel it myself. I don't feel much of anything. Not until you came along and now I don't know what to believe any more." _I'm getting to her?_

She has more than once shown in her own little way that she cares, but I had wondered before now if she cares for me like she does her brother or that Alex guy but I see it now. I see the ice melt and the fire in her eyes die down. I knew now what was the lie and what was the truth.

I knelt down in front of her and I could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes, and a sorrow that threatened to make those tears fall. _Why can't she just tell me how she feels? Why can't she stop pretending?_

I had to do something drastic to make her see I never wanted to be without her again and make her see she has no reason to ever think I will leave her. I never intended to tell her this way but seeing her now, like I was seeing the real her for the first time, gave me hope that telling her how I feel would permanently topple her defences.

"I love you." I felt like I was stood at the gallows, waiting for the hooded figure to pull the lever. I could only stand by and await whatever fate had in store for me.

Sarah drew in breath as the colour drained from her face. _Oh shit.. _She asked if I was crazy and jumped up and started looking for an escape. Her reaction was not what I expected at all. She gasped for air like she had just unearthed a mass grave. I couldn't fucking believe her reaction and I didn't know whether I should walk away for good or stick around to make her see. Either way, yelling felt like a good choice.

"That's all you have to say? You are un-fucking-believable!" I got up and waited for her next step so I could chose which step I would take.

"Did you expect me to say it back? I told you, I can't ever love you." _Right. Choice made._

I walked away from her and went to my room. I walked into the bathroom and the rage at her words sank in as I punched the wall and left a hole. _She is from another fucking planet. I can't believe I fucking fell for her. _Fate pulled the lever and I fell to my death.

I left it for a while to see if she would come and tell me what the fuck that was all about, but I heard the water run next door and it pissed me off more that she was showering. _That's right, you just go about like everything's fucking normal._

I text Stewie asking where he was because I needed to talk to him, he was the only person here I knew who could give me some answers, and he text back saying I could come see him at home and to get a cab to the address in his message.

While I was sat in the cab, my hand started to sting and I would need to ice it to take the swelling down before it got worse. _How the fuck can she tell me those things? _I don't know whether I was more angry at how she reacted or if I was more angry because she didn't believe me when I said I love her. _Three days? So what if I've only been here three days, I've known her for three months._

The cab pulled up outside a small house on a busy street and Stewie came to the door before my cab had even drove off.

"What's she done?" Stewie looked like a parent being called into the Deans office.

The lounge was a typical bachelor pad, big ass TV set, big stereo and take out boxes on a coffee table filled with bits of paper and used cups. _This looks like Will's place._

Before I had even sat down, he passed me a beer. Even though it was only two in the afternoon, an ice cold beer was the answer to my prayers.

"I told her I love her." I took as swig of my beer as Stewie spat his out.

"You did what? Are you fucking simple?"

"Now those were almost her words exactly. She almost had a fucking panic attack and said that it had only been three days and that she could never feel the same for me. So tell me this, does your sister have a severe mental disorder or is she just fucking with me for fun?" I shouldn't be speaking to Stewie about her in this way, but I really needed to vent and get some answers. I wasn't in the mood to be tactful.

"She has trouble with shit like that. Never trusts those words and never says them either. She thinks the only way she will tell someone she loves them is if she's willing to settle down and have babies with a guy, and if she reacted like that to you, the only guy I've actually witnessed her being happy with, then there's no chance of it happening. Sorry to say, my friend."

"Yeah well, I wasn't expecting that kind of future with her anyway, what with her not being able to have kids and all." I took another long drink from the bottle of Becks and remembered about my hand. "You got some ice?" The swelling had stopped but I could barely make a fist and it hurt like a bitch.

"That better not be from what I think it is." Stewie stood up and looked really fucking mad.

"No! I walked out and punched the wall. I told you I would never lay a hand on her, or any woman." _Fucking felt like it a few times though._

Stewie came back with a bag of frozen peas and more beer. The coldness felt good on my hand, the pain stopped and the swelling had eased slightly.

"What did you mean about Sarah not having kids? Did she say she doesn't want them?"

"No man, she said she can't have them. What's the deal with that? I asked her twice now and it really freaks her out."

Stewie sat forward in his chair and looked puzzled. "Don't know what the fuck you're talking about. This is the first I've ever heard of it." I knew she said she would never tell anyone and I had to wonder if that's all there was to this. _Would she lie about something like that?_

I have had enough of trying to figure her out. I needed a break from all of this and I really needed some sleep.

Stewie and I sat in silence and I was replaying all the things she had told me and I couldn't make sense of any of it. First she acts like she's jealous because I took that woman out to get her a cab, then she seemed really happy that I was here and she even showed me her soft side by celebrating my belated birthday. _What had changed since then? _Aside from the obvious of taking her to dinner and sleeping with her, I couldn't figure out what it is that has changed her so dramatically in such a short space of time.

"I'd give you a penny for them, but I don't think I have enough cash." Stewie pulled me out of my inner debate and I had no idea what he was talking about. "Your thoughts. A penny for your thoughts."

"Oh. I was just wondering what made Sarah so fucking impossible today. I don't get it, man, I really don't. She was so happy last night, she even said she was before she fell asleep but today she woke up a complete bitch and I can't think why."

"I think you just gave yourself the answer. Did she give you the whole 'I don't feel anything' speech?" I nodded but couldn't work out where the answer was. "Yeah she does that and she is a cold hearted bitch at times, but if she is only half as happy with you that I think she is, then she's pulling back to stop herself from feeling more for you. That's the only thing I can think of."

"So you're telling me that because she feels happy with me, she's sabotaging this so that she doesn't get hurt or doesn't ...what?...fall for me?" _I knew it...I knew I wasn't wrong about her._

"Pretty much it, yeah." Stewie went off to the kitchen and I couldn't believe how fucking stupid she was being. A cell phone started to ring and I looked under the pizza box and saw Sarah's name on the caller ID. _Should I talk to her?_

"Stewie, Sarah's calling you." He shouted back that I should leave it and he would call her back in a bit.

The ringing stopped and his cell beeped, indicating that he had voice mail.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Sarah was doing right now. I wanted to see her and talk all of this out, but Stewie advised me that I should leave alone for a few hours so she can get her head straight. _Would she be even bothered that I'm gone? The first thing she did after our argument was take a shower!_

"I doubt very much that she needs some time too. I think she's probably sat at home doing paperwork."

"You think she doesn't give a fuck about you? Well, if that's what you think, then listen to this." Stewie got his cell phone, hit a few buttons and passed it over to me. "Listen."

'Stewie? Where are you today? I bet you're not busy with housework.' It was the voice mail Sarah had left half an hour ago and I had to laugh at how well she knew her brother.

'I really need to talk to you. I've done something horrible. I really messed up big this time and I don't know what to do. Mark was so upset. I don't know how to fix this, Stewie.' I could hear how bothered she really was and it broke my heart to know she was back home hurting.

"I've never heard her like that. I should go back."

"I have never once heard her ask for help and I think this could be good for her. She might learn to grow up and stop hiding behind all that defensive shit. But if it makes you feel any better, I'll go see how she is and let her know that she needs to be the one to fix this. Not you or me. Her."

I knew it was sound advice and it's one of those 'cruel to be kind' situations, but I still couldn't push past the need to be with her.

"OK, but if you don't mind, I'll just crash on your couch while you're out, I'm so fucking tired. That woman just does not sleep!"

"Tell me about it! I'm still in severe fucking shock that she's taken time off work!"

I don't know how long I slept, but I got woken to my cell sounding off. _For fuck sake._

'Heard you were in London, we are all here now too! Just got in from Birmingham and the show was great. Want to meet up for a drink later? You can bring Sarah too. In fact, please bring Sarah too!' _You're a fucking idiot, Glenn._

I text back that I'd think about it and went to find Stewie busy in his little gallery kitchen.

"How was she? Should I go back yet?" I saw a pot of coffee and pointed to it, asking if I could get a cup.

"Help yourself. I don't think I should tell you what went on back there, you might not like it." _What's not to like? Is she mad at me for not coming back yet?_

"She pissed off with me?" The coffee tasted bitter, but I drank it anyway.

"She's not mad, no. She's confused and I think she's having a complete meltdown, but she'll come through it and I know she will be stronger for it too. She's just having an emotional detox. She'll be right in the end. You hungry?"

After Stewie ordered a Chinese take out, he went to get ready and I called Glenn to find out where they all were.

We caught up with the guys and the first thing Glenn asked me about was Sarah, but I didn't want to talk about it. I needed a few hours longer to clear my head so I could think more clearly about what I should do.

We went on to the next bar and as I ordered a drink, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Well long time no see stranger. I thought you were going to call me?" _Oh fuck. What should I say? _Michelle was wearing a tight black strapless dress that didn't look too difficult to remove and she looked great.

"Yeah, sorry but I just got sidetracked."

"What are you doing in Britain? You are supposed to be on vacation, so how come you're here with us?"

"I came to visit someone." _Now she'll ask who. Should I tell her Sarah is a friend? Or should I tell her how it is?_

"Oh, is that who you were on the phone to that time when I was staying with you? You said it was a friend from Britain." _Fuck._

"Yeah." _Do what Sarah does. _"You enjoying it here?" I hoped the change of subject would keep Michelle busy chatting about the UK tour and my hope was fulfilled.

I was getting pretty drunk now, I spoke to Glenn about Sarah and he thought I shouldn't give up. I didn't think so either.

"Why is it you two are always sat in a corner?" Michelle came and sat next to me and hooked her arm around mine.

"Why is it you're always latching on to Mark?" Glenn had never really liked Michelle because of a family day we all had and Michelle got drunk and pissed off Glenn's wife, Crystal.

"Oh shut up, I can sit where ever I want. A few of us are going on somewhere else, we heard about a great club in the area and thought we might check it out. You interested?" As Michelle finished her sentence, she became very obvious she wasn't just asking if I was interested in a club. Her hand made it's way to my leg and she pressed her chest against my arm.

I could so easily go for it with her and I did at times wonder what things would have been like with her had I chosen differently. _I wouldn't be out drinking and wondering if I should leave, that's for sure. _

"Well, are you interested?" Michelle leaned in so close I could have leaned down and kissed her, but no matter how simple dthings would be with Michelle, she wasn't Sarah.

"I'm not really in the mood for a club, or anything else. Sorry darlin'." I wrangled my arm free and went to the bar for another drink.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Stewie got up from his bar stool, but realised he was shorter standing so he sat back on it.

"What? What am I doing?" I was lost somewhere. Stewie looked a bit mad and he wasn't bothered in the least he was a mouse in a tiger's lair.

"I heard Michelle McFuckingCool tell her friend that you and her are sleeping together then I look up and see her all over you. Are you fucking serious?" _Oh shit. If he tells Sarah about this, the choice to leave won't be mine any more. I'll be out on my ass. _

"It was a while ago and Sarah doesn't need to know about this." I made it very clear that if she did find out then I would know who to blame.

"I wouldn't fucking dare tell her! She'd kill you, kill her and then fucking kill me." _Is he serious? Would she be THAT upset?_

I took my drink outside for a smoke. The pavement looked soaked through but the rain had eased for the time being. I took out my cell and I had a missed call and a message from Sara, telling me that she was taking the girls to her mom's today and she would call tomorrow after school so I could talk to Chasey and Gracie. I also had two texts from My Sarah.

"Fuck." I was undecided whether or not to read them because if she just wanted to let me know she was pissed with me, then I would probably get more drunk and do something stupid. With Michelle. _Fuck it._

The first text was sent a few hours ago. 'You've been gone a while, are you OK?' _Am I OK?_ I didn't know whether to laugh or not. The second text was sent only ten minutes ago. 'If you don't want to speak to me, or if you don't feel ready to come back, I understand. But please just let me know you're all right.'

I was out here drinking and having a laugh with the guys, thinking about how good Michelle looks and Sarah was sat at home worrying about me. I felt like shit now.

I considered going back to see her, but then Stewie came out with a hoard of the guys and told me we they were going to Sarah's club and asked if I wanted to go.

"I've just got a beer, so I'll stay here and drink this and catch up to you there." I didn't really want to go, but I should probably stay out of Sarah's way for a while longer and hope that going to bed alone would make her see we are right together.

"OK, you remember where it is, don't you?" I nodded and said again that I would catch up in a while.

_Should I text her to stop her worrying?_ I looked down at my cell and went to the send message option and was just about to start typing when Michelle came out with Layla.

"Are you coming with the rest of us?" She let go of Layla's arm and hooked on to mine.

"No not yet, but I'm joining them in a bit." I looked back down to my cell and got as far as typing 'I'm OK' when Michelle asked why I was going if I said I wasn't in the mood. "I know the club you're all going on to and it's an OK place. I know the owner."

"Well I'll stay here with you then." Michelle told Layla to go before I could protest and she dragged me back into the pub.

"Aren't you talking to me?" Michelle scooted over so she was sat right next to me and once again put her arm through mine.

"I've just got a lot on my mind right now and I'm not much for company. You would have had a better time if you went with Layla."

"I don't think so somehow.." Michelle put her hand on my leg and kissed my cheek, trailing her lips to my neck. It felt good and I didn't pull back right away like I should have done. Her fingers reached further up my trousers and as she went to my zipper, I had to stop her.

"I can't do this, I'm in love with someone else." I pulled her hand out from under the table and she looked shocked.

"What are you talking about?" I filled her in on why I was here and she wasn't impressed at all. "So this 'friend' you were talking to while I was with you, was some one you were trying to get into bed?"

"It's not like that. At first I admit that's all I wanted, but now I know her it's all different."

"So if you're so in love with this woman..." Michelle said 'woman' so scornfully I wondered if they ever met each other there would be a chick fight. "...how come you're sat here with me and not her?"

"That's a good question. But it's something I'm going to fix right now." I stood up and left the table, telling Michelle I'd walk her to the club and then I was going to see Sarah.

Michelle didn't really speak to me for the short walk to Sarah's club and I felt guilty, even though I had no real reason to. "I'm sorry if you thought I had feelings for you and I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear when I broke things off before." Michelle stopped walking right outside the club and placed a kiss on my cheek.

"That's just fine Mark, but you should know that if things don't work out, then I'll still be here if you need a shoulder...or anything else!" Michelle reached up and kissed my lips softly. I could have kissed her back and I could have taken her to a hotel but I couldn't. No matter how much I want to.

"Sorry, darlin'. I think you should get inside before it rains again." I looked up into the night sky and saw dark clouds gathering and I could hear the thunder rumble it's warning. _Looks like there's a storm coming.._


	31. Broken

**CHAPTER THIRTY ONE**

**Broken.**

I laughed and joked with a hoard of WWE superstars and made them all -what was now becoming famous- a squashed frog. I saw Michelle say something then walk off, Mark shook his head and then looked over to the bar. As soon as he saw me the look of surprise was evident. I just didn't know whether it was the surprise of seeing me here instead of moping for him, or if it was the surprise of being caught. _I can't even look at him._

With my head buzzing and my eyes getting heavier and heavier, I walked outside and took in some air. _How could he turn up here? With her. _I had no right to feel cheated, since Mark and I had never defined anything, but seeing him with her knowing that they had been sleeping together made me feel betrayed. I also felt justified for all the years of pushing people away for not trusting them.

Stewie came out and asked what was wrong, but him being in the state he was in, he would only go back in and cause a scene.

"I'm just really tired. I've been up since half eight and I only had three hours sleep last night."

"You always fucking say it's because you're tired. I know it's because of Mark and I know it can't be easy for you to take the step of letting him get close, but you have to go and fucking talk to him first, daft lass."

"I know, but I'm too busy right now to talk to him." I opened the door to go back to work and Stewie shouted after me.

"You're always too fucking busy as well!"

I let the other staff go on a break before we called last orders and Mark was sat at the bar with a beer in hand.

"What the Hell are you doing in here?" He sounded slightly drunk and even in the dim light over the bar, I could see how tired he looked. _I wonder if it's lack of sleep or if it's her that's tired him out. _I could feel the sickness in my stomach, but I had to maintain a certain persona in front of customers.

"Your friends decided to make too much work for the staff so they called me in to help out. Do you want another?" I pointed to his beer and he nodded.

"How long you going to be working tonight?"

"Forget it, Calaway, I've already tried and she's not interested in any of us." Jeff Hardy came and stood next to Mark and he did not look happy. He grabbed Jeff by the collar and got in his face.

"You telling me you tried to hit on my girl? I'll fucking hit you if you speak to her again." He put Jeff down and I was gob-smacked. _His girl? Who the fuck does he think he is? Cave boy._

"Any trouble from you, Mark, and I'll throw you out myself." I went off to talk to David to find out if he could manage without me.

"Can you stay until we get last orders out of the way?" I agreed and went back to serving.

We had gotten most of the queue down and I was just about ready to go back and get some sleep when Elle turned up and sat next to Mark.

"I know you've already called time, but can you get me a drink? I'm waiting for Eric to come pick me up but he said he'll be half and hour." I poured Elle her favourite drink of Bacardi and coke.

"Sarah, you gonna ignore me all night? I really want to talk to you, darlin'."

"I'm busy talking to my friend, so if you don't mind, I'll talk to you when I finish here." I was being such a cow to him, but I couldn't look at him without seeing her all over him.

"Oh! Is this you're American?" Elle looked really excited and turned to face Mark, looking him over then winking her approval to me.

"Elle, this is Mark. And he's not my anything." I walked away before Mark could argue with me but he followed.

"Sarah, I don't know if this is you keeping personal and business separate, or if this is just punishment for me staying out all night, but can I just talk to you sweetheart?" He reached over and put his hand on my arm. He looked drunk now and really sorry for himself.

"I'm leaving soon, but I'm too tired to go through things tonight. Can we talk in the morning?" I was too tired, but I was also ready to pop. The audacity to come to me trying to talk things through when he'd been with her pissed me off like I had never been pissed off before, but I couldn't cause a scene.

Mark pulled my arm, causing me to step towards him and he reached down and took my hand.

"Please just talk to me sweetheart. I can't go to bed knowing I've upset you and without knowing you believe me." He looked upset, but it made me all the more angry.

"Believe what? What the fuck am I supposed to believe, Mark?" I believed he hurt me when I didn't think I felt enough for him to actually be hurt. He pulled my hand towards him and kissed my knuckles and I wanted to take my knuckles and break his nose.

"Believe that I'm sorry about today and believe that I..."

"All of the shit you told me and now you're chatting up some barmaid?" Michelle McCool came and stood by Mark. _What 'shit' has he told her? That he loves her too?_

After giving him a disdainful look, she started looking me over. _Go on bitch, tell me you want a drink._ "Can I get a strawberry daiquiri?" Judging by her pink eye shadow, her pink lipstick, her bleached blonde hair, her fake boobs and her fake French tip nails I wasn't surprised by her choice of drink.

"Sorry, but I don't take plastic." I glared at her and heard David laughing at my bitchy remark.

"I'm paying with cash." Michelle gave as much attitude as she could, but all she did was prove to me she was a bimbo.

"Seriously, Mark?" I was disappointed with his choice of bedfellow. If he was going to sleep around, I'd hope he'd have some taste.

"You know him?" Now she started getting territorial, which I suppose was the same as I was doing, but at least I wasn't doing it with my hands all over him. Mark stayed quiet and looked guilty as Hell, but did pull away from her when ever she tried to hold his hand or hook her arm in his.

"Yeah." I wasn't going to let her know Mark and I were...I don't know what the fuck we were but what ever it was, she would no doubt try to stake her claim to Mark and I was waiting for her to tell me what they had been up to today so I had the excuse I needed to kill the pair of them.

Mark asked her to leave us, but I was the one who was going to leave. The way he spoke to her made me more angry and I was about ready to knock him out.

She spoke to Mark but looked at me the whole time and practically confirmed they had slept together. I was about ready to knock her out too.

"Actually, I'm the one who's leaving. I've had enough. I'm done. Goodnight." I wasn't just talking about work. I was done with trying to feel something and I was done with being made a fool of. Mark tried to call after me, using his pet names, but I didn't want to hear one word he said. I went to get my jacket and handed my car keys to David. I shouldn't have even drove here. I had two vodkas on no sleep and no food and it was bad rain out there.

I got in at just after two in the morning and I was exhausted, but the anger at Mark and her kept me going. After washing my make up off and laying out my bed clothes, I changed into my gym gear, I needed to work off some of this hate and anger before Mark came back or else I'd kill him.

I got as far as walking past Mark's room before it hit me it was Mark's room. _I can't go anywhere without seeing him._ The realisation that I had lost him sank in and my heart hurt more than it ever had, the tears fell more than they ever had and I didn't know how I could go one day without him.

Minutes ticked by and it was 3am before I knew it. I got out of bed knowing, but not admitting, that I couldn't sleep because Mark wasn't here and knowing that he would be going home soon and that I miss him.

My head still hurt like Hell but knowing where Mark had been tonight made my heart hurt a lot more than my head did. I opened the patio doors and turned off the kitchen light, which appeased my head slightly, and sat on the door step hoping the crisp air and the relaxing sound of the heavy rain would curb my feeling of loss. The wind was getting up and it was a cold night, and being sat in nothing but a satin chemise didn't help.

The rain fell hard and it usually calmed me, but not this time. Things were too messed up for even the most soothing of nights to sort out. Part of me wanted to believe that Mark and I wasn't really together so it didn't matter who he slept with, but the rest of me was so mad he said those words to me then went out to find 'her'. I laughed to myself at how every time I thought I could show myself and show Mark that I could be capable of feeling something, he always disappeared with some blonde. The night he got here and tonight too. _Is that his type?_ I didn't know what his wife looked like, but I was guessing she was blonde too. _Why is he interested in me if that's his type? Is he interested in me?_ The thought took me back to square one, back to when there was nothing but mixed messages of flirting and then being friends. If I played things differently back then, or if I called him sooner when I had to fly back to be with Christopher then maybe things wouldn't be like they are now, maybe I would be happy. Happy with Mark.

I couldn't think like that, wishing for something no matter how bad you want it doesn't make it happen and I certainly couldn't build a time machine and do things over, so I tried to focus on something else.

_What should I do when he gets back? Is he coming back?_ Objective complete. I was definitely thinking about something else now. I was thinking he was probably in her hotel room telling her all the things he's told me.

The sickness in my stomach came back and I began picturing Mark in bed. Except it wasn't her he was with, it was me. His hands all over me, his mouth exploring my skin, the way he brushes my hair out of my eyes and the way it felt so right being in his arms.

Tears threatened to spill once more and I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had cried more today than I had in the past year and even though my eyes were heavy and blinded by tears, I could see more clearly than ever. The jury had reached it's verdict. _I'm falling for him. Guilty as charged._

The realisation surprised me. Not because I knew I was falling for him, but because it didn't frighten me. I had to talk this through with him and I had to find out exactly what had gone on with Michelle before I could forgive him, but no matter what tomorrow was going to be a fresh start and I was going to tell him what I feel.

A light came on from behind me and I turned to see the light from the hallway twist it's way around the living room. _Is that Mark? _I couldn't breathe, I felt the panic surge and I didn't want to make a sound in case he knew I was here. As much as I wanted to run to him and try to fix all of this, knowing he was drunk made the fear of Eddie resurface and I didn't want to face Mark like that.

I stayed still and quiet, hoping he would just go up to bed, but the kitchen flooded with light that hurt my head and forced me to close my eyes. Mark walked over to me and I could smell the beer and cigarettes before he even got in spitting distance and he asked what I was still doing up and why I was sat in the dark. I say 'he asked' it was more like he demanded.

"I have a headache." I tried to look at him, but the light hurt my eyes too much. I could see that he was absolutely drenched through and probably walked back. My instinct was to go get him a change of clothes and make him a coffee to warm him up, but I wasn't in the comforting mood.

"Well, I guess you won't be screaming out my name again tonight then!" He let out a snort and I wanted to slap him. "I think you should go up to bed and we'll talk in the morning." _Is he kidding? _

"You're sending me to bed? Who the fuck do you think you are? My father?" _Ouch. That hurt my head. No more yelling..._

"Well you're acting like a little girl. You need to grow up and see how fucking cold you are and how fucking stupid you are." _Oh..I don't care if this hurts my head.._

I stood up and got in his face, if he hit me then it would give me a good excuse to kill him. I yelled at him that he wasn't going to play me and I let my darkness surface.

"What the fuck? Is there any wonder I stayed away from you today? You've been a complete fucking bitch since getting up and I'm sick of your fucking cold hearted attitude. You think you're the only one who struggles with feelings? You think you have the only reason to be scared? I know you've been through shit darlin' but you have to realise what you do to other people. Stewie thinks you're a man hating psychopath and he worries sick about you and you make me feel like shit."

The rage in his eyes subsided and I was at a loss for words. I never knew how I affected others, I was too busy trying to keep people out that I lost sight of those who did genuinely want to be close to me. The feeling was worse than a slap in the face and I knew this was my chance to fix things. I started to speak up, but Mark put his finger up to his lips and actually shushed me. _I'll fix things tomorrow. Right now, I want to kill you._

"I don't want to hear one fucking word from you unless that word is sorry." _OK...if that's what you want. _I let my darkness out to play and it felt good not to pretend any more.

"OK Mark. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever believed that you and I could work. I'm sorry I made you feel like shit, but what I'm most sorry about is feeling like shit too because you were sleeping with her when I was thinking I'm happy when I'm with you and I'm happy knowing you're in my bed. I'm so very fucking sorry."

"What?" Mark grabbed both my arms and there was no way for me to get out of his hold. _I could always kick him..._ "What do you mean sleeping with her? You mean Michelle? I haven't slept with her." Mark let go of my arms but I still wanted to kick him on principal.

"Don't fucking lie to me. You're friends were gossiping about it and I saw the way she looked at you, I saw the fucking guilty look on your face and I see you now. I see you're a lying bastard and I see that I don't want you here. I want you to leave."

I walked past him and I got as far as the stairs before he came after me.

"Wait. Just hold on and talk to me." I heard his words, but ignored them completely. "Sarah, please just let me explain sweetheart." Mark was calling me sweetheart now, so I knew he had calmed down but I was no where near calm. Calm was a different fucking planet.

"Explain what? How you were drunk and it didn't mean anything? Well you can fucking save it because I've heard that crap before and I'm not fucking buying it." I continued my march up the stairs and they had never seemed so high a climb.

Mark pulled my arm again and turned me to face him. He was two steps below me and, for once, he had to look up to me.

"Sarah, I swear I never slept with Michelle tonight. We did date for a few days but I swear it was over weeks ago. I ended it when you called me for the first time because it's you I want to be with. I love you." _That fucking does it._

I slapped him so hard the echo could be heard throughout the house. "Don't you fucking dare tell me that again. Don't you fucking dare make me believe you." I caught the look of shock on his face and I couldn't believe what I had done. I had become the unthinkable. "God...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." The tears started to fall and the waves of nausea washed through me. The anger in Mark was about ready to spill and I was right in his path. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe.

"Don't even fucking try to tell me you're sorry. Get your cold hearted ass out of my fucking face. NOW."

I raced to the bathroom and threw up, my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't even get hold of some tissue to wipe my mouth.

I got up and brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water and as I reached for a hand towel, I caught my reflection in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. _What have I become? _I had become the very thing I hate, the very thing that made me who I am. I had become my darkness. I had become my mother.

I collapsed on the floor in a heap and sobbed like I used to when I was a little girl.

It was now after five in the morning and I had probably slept about eight hours since Mark arrived here. I could no longer function and my brain was shutting down, turning itself on to stand-by. The past hour had been an eye opener for me, my life up to this point was one of control and of ice. I had spent my life keeping feelings at bay so I didn't wake my darkness, but Mark had seen a glimpse of what lay beneath and he would never forgive me for it. This is why I never let anyone in. As soon as I lose that control over my emotions, the darkness shows it's teeth and sinks them into whom ever I care for. Mark was the latest victim and I had no idea where I could go from here. If I turned into my mother because I lost control in an argument, then what would happen if I fell for Mark? There's too much emotion involved in love and it was too much risk. I mean if I hit him because I care for him, then what damage would I do if I had all the might of love behind my temper?

I had to do a lot of thinking about where Mark and I would go from here, not that it mattered really because Mark was probably packing already, but I had to return to logic and reason. Whether it be tomorrow or later, I will lose him and the only real question is: Which would save us the most pain? It wasn't worth hurting Mark further by pretending I could control it and by pretending we had a future when we didn't. I could never love him nor could I ever trust him when he was working with her. Despite what he says about it being over before he got here, I know myself well enough to know I would be sat here three thousand miles away and it would drive me crazy knowing he was only three feet away from her.

The painkillers I had taken half an hour ago started to take effect and I knew I shouldn't have taken any because I used to suffer from stomach ulcers and I hadn't eaten in about 20 hours, but my head was screaming in agony at the slightest noise and the faintest of light. I curled up in my bed and I could smell Mark's aftershave on my pillow, the musky scent made my eyes sting. Not because it was strong, but because it would be the only thing I had left of him come morning.

I lay still and quiet and even my head was free from noise. Normally I would be thinking away to myself, trying to find the thing that would make everything better and I would get my happy ending, but life isn't a Disney cartoon. No one is swept off their feel by a handsome prince who has come to rescue them and they live happily ever after. Life isn't like that. Life is cruel and harsh and it's probably Walt Disney's fault that women are never happy with men because they were brainwashed by children's stories to believe a knight in shining armour would defeat all evil and then declare their undying love and whisk them off to a huge castle where animals do the housework.

I know it's bleak, but what else do I have to believe in? I am the thing that Mark would need rescuing from and that is the only thing I know with absolute certainty.


	32. Over

**CHAPTER THIRTY TWO**

**Over.**

As soon as I walked in, I noticed a few of the guys huddled in the same spot around the bar and Glenn was marching over with a few more. Michelle made some comment about how the place looked great and went off to find Layla. I turned back to the bar and as soon as I looked, I saw what the guys were hovering around for. Sarah was pouring them drinks and she looked right at me with an icy stare that was the coldest I had ever seem from her and she knocked back a shot of something and walked out.

I was confused to say the least. I didn't know why she was here and I didn't know what I had done to piss her off, it was me that had full right to be mad with her.

"Fuck her." I said to myself before Glenn called me over.

"You want to try this weird drink that Sarah made, it's great!" He passed me some sort of multicoloured liquid and I knocked it back and it was really nice. Tasted like cough syrup at first though. "So where have you been? If you tell me you were with her then I'm going to knock some fucking sense into you." Glenn looked serious for the first time ever and it was strange to see.

"I was with Michelle, but I've made it clear now that whatever we had before is over and it will never happen again. Now can you stop being so fucking weird and get me another drink?"

Glenn laughed and slapped my back, right where Sarah had clawed at me the night before and it hurt like a son of a bitch. The memory eased the pain though!

I had spoken to Sarah, who was being so cold towards me and talking to me like I was just a customer, and then found out the weird Hardy brother had tried to hit on her and I came so close to killing the little fucker before Sarah intervened. I hated anyone leering at her and I hated the fact the people I was supposed to be friends with trying to hit on my woman.

I drank a few beers and Sarah was busy getting peoples drinks when Stewie came over to me asking what I had done to piss her off.

"I don't fucking know. She doesn't need a reason, she just likes to be pissed off, it's the only thing she does fucking feel." I had too much to drink by this point to care I was talking about his sister so negatively.

"I know, man. I used to think that too, but you want to know something that will knock your socks off?" Stewie wobbled as he went to pull up a bar stool next to mine. He was clearly a lot more drunk than I am and I hoped that it would be a good way to get information out of him, but my plan was working better than expected. He was volunteering it!

"When I went to see her earlier, she fucking cried!" Stewie looked amused but I could see he was serious. _Has my staying away, at Stewie's request, upset her that much?_ "I haven't seen her cry since Steve died. You really have done a fucking number on her!"

"Why was she upset?" I knew she would tell Stewie just about anything, and him being so drunk was a good way to get that information relayed. He laughed at my question and I couldn't work out if it was the alcohol that was making him crazy or if he was indeed just a crazy bastard.

"Because she hurt your feelings! I think she's proper fucking cracked up this time. She doesn't care about anyone and she certainly doesn't care about how being so cold fucks people up. But you...there's something about you that makes her human and I wish I knew your secret because I've tried for years to get her to open up but she never really has. I used to worry that she'd do something mental like do herself in or learn to shoot but now I'm more worried that she'll actually be fucking normal and I don't know if I like the idea of that. She won't be the fucking same if she is. I mean, sweet Jesus, can you imagine Sarah normal?" _No!_

Stewie left laughing to himself and no sooner had his seat emptied, it was filled by an attractive woman with long brown hair who wasn't afraid to show off what she had.

Sarah came over to her immediately and greeted her like she knew this attractive woman.

"I know you've already called time, but can you get me a drink? I'm waiting for Eric to come pick me up but he said he'll be half and hour." _So they do know each other. Will she introduce me? How will she introduce me?_

"Sure. You want your usual?" Sarah's friend nodded and then she went over to fix her a drink, not even looking at me. "How is Eric? Did he get that promotion?" Sarah blanked me completely and I had a feeling it was deliberate.

I asked if she was going to ignore me all night and she looked at me like something she stepped in and told me she was talking to her friend and she would talk to me later.

"Oh! Is this you're American?" The attractive brunette turned to face me, giving me the once over and if I wasn't involved -if that's the right word- with Sarah, then I would have given her the once over too.

"Elle, this is Mark. And he's not my anything." Sarah looked fucking livid with me and walked away. I should have told her to fuck off and that I have had enough, but knowing she was sat at home worrying about me and knowing she cried because she hurt my feelings made it almost impossible to hate her behaviour. I knew she was probably pissed with me for staying out all day but I also knew her enough to see she was probably acting tough because she let herself feel something for me and this was her way of pushing back.

"Oh dear! Looks like someone will be sleeping on the couch tonight!" Sarah's friend smiled at me and looked a little sorry for me.

"Yeah, looks like, darlin'!" And then it hit me. I wouldn't be sleeping next to her tonight or ever again if I didn't try to make things right.

As I walked over to where she was finishing up serving drinks, I noticed a sign behind her that read 'zero tolerance' and I chuckled to myself thinking that's what she probably had tattooed on her skin.

I asked her a few times to talk to me, but she carried on pretending she wasn't affected by anything, but I could see her loosing her grip on her temper and I knew I would be in for a fucking earful when we got back to hers but I wanted to see it. I love that fire she hides.

I was half way through telling her I was sorry for staying away today and was just about to tell her that I love her again when Michelle came and stood by me and I knew this was going to get bad.

"All of the shit you told me and now you're chatting up some barmaid?" Michelle looked down her nose at Sarah, assuming it was just some chick I was hitting on and I caught the look on Sarah's face.

She wasn't stupid and I knew I had to watch my step and make Michelle disappear as quickly as possible before she worked it out we had slept together all that time ago.

Michelle asked Sarah to make her a drink and the fireworks started. Sarah leaned on the bar and fixed her cold stare onto Michelle

"Sorry, but I don't take plastic." _Ouch!_ Sarah was in full on bitch mode and I had to suppress a chuckle as the remark flew over Michelle's head, who retorted she was paying cash. Sarah shook her head at Michelle's stupidity but then she looked at me. "Seriously, Mark?"

Sarah looked like she was disappointed with the fact I associated myself with a bimbo but there was something more to it, I was sure. _Surely she can't know..._

Michelle asked if I knew Sarah and as much as I would like to see a chick fight between them, I had to put an end to this because Michelle was being protective and Sarah was being...jealous?

"Michelle, could you just leave us to it please, sweetheart. Go and have a good night with Layla and I'll see you around." I realised I had put my hand on her shoulder as I was talking to her and I snapped it back hoping Sarah wouldn't make anything of it.

"Sure, Mark. I'll leave you to it. I know how you like to have fun." Michelle looked right at Sarah as she said her last remark and this was not good at all, not one little bit. _Oh shit. I'm fucking screwed now._

"Actually, I'm the one who's leaving. I've had enough. I'm done. Goodnight." Sarah slammed a beer bottle on the bar and walked into the back room. _Did she mean done with me?_

This was not good at all and I was fucking livid with Michelle for butting in. "What the fuck did you just do?" Michelle stepped back and asked what I meant. "I mean you just fucked things up completely, things were bad with Sarah as it was but now, because of you, things are even worse. Just stay the fuck away from me."

"That was Sarah?" Michelle looked sorry but I didn't want to hear shit from her.

"Yeah, and I mean what I say. Stay away from me." Michelle walked off and went straight to Layla and they huddled together gossiping like they always do.

I stayed for a drink or two before going over to the guys and telling them I was going but I would be back at work in two weeks.

"Where has Sarah gone?" Glenn asked and Jeff's ears pricked up, before he caught me keeping an eye on him then he bowed his multi-coloured head and stared into his beer bottle.

"She's gone home, we had a late night in bed and she's tired, so I'm off to knock her out once more." I said the last part loudly and I could see Jeff scowl with jealousy. It did annoy me that men looked at her, but it felt good knowing I have had what they could only dream of.

"Cut the crap." Glenn tugged my elbow and I followed him out of ear shot of the others. "I could see a mile off that she's not happy with you at all. You need to sober up and go to sleep. If Sarah is still up when you get in, just go to bed and talk this through in the morning." _He's always fucking right._

"Yeah, thanks man. See you in a couple of weeks." I shook his hand and went outside. The rain was coming down hard but I decided to walk back to Sarah's as it would go a long way to sobering me up.

I had psyched myself up to talking to her in the morning. I already knew what I wanted to say and I already knew her response to everything that I wanted to say to her. I was getting pissed with knowing she would just be cold and stubborn and I couldn't ever see her warming. Even Stewie thought she was beyond help.

By the time I got to the top of her street I was soaked through to the bone and it didn't help my mood. I opened the gate and couldn't see any lights on. _I hope she hasn't gone to bed and locked me out._ I checked for the keys and was relieved to find them in my jacket pocket.

I walked in to darkness and fumbled to find the light switch. The light came on and I could see Sarah's boots placed neatly next to each other and her jacket hung in it's usual spot. _I need a coffee._

I went into the kitchen, leaving wet footprints behind me and felt a cold draft. I turned on the light and found Sarah sat at the door with it wide open.

"What the fuck are you still doing up and why the fuck are you sat in the dark?" I expected her to be in bed already and didn't prepare for facing her tonight. I grabbed a dish towel and started to dry off my hair.

Sarah sat with her hands up to her head and coldly told me she had a headache. I couldn't resist making a comment about us not having sex if that was the case and I couldn't see her expression, but I gathered she was not amused. I knew she was in a fighting mood so I told her to go to bed and we would talk tomorrow. As soon as I said it, I knew she would take it the wrong way. I meant to say she must be tired and she should get some sleep but still being a bit drunk, I didn't think it through properly.

"You're sending me to bed? Who the fuck do you think you are? My father?" Sarah tried to turn, but looked away from me again. _She won't even look at me...well fuck it, if she wants a fight then I'll give her one._

I told her she was cold and she needed to grow up. I took it a bit too far, but I wasn't in the mood for her crap tonight. She got up off the floor and she looked exhausted. The dark circles under her eyes told me she hadn't had a nap like I had and she looked pale too.

"Don't you fucking dare tell me I need to grow up and don't come back here expecting things to be fine because they aren't. I refuse to be played like some fucking instrument and I refuse to be treated like some fucking bimbo. I know that's what you're used to, Mark, but don't ever mistake me for an idiot." Sarah looked fucking mad and I didn't have the first clue as to what she was on about, but I've had enough of her fucking shit today.

I let fly exactly what I think of her right now and she looked surprised that I was arguing back, like she had the only right to be pissed. I hadn't done anything wrong today, I hadn't trampled on her heart like she did to me. How could I have? She doesn't fucking have one.

The outburst got most of it out of my system and Sarah didn't look as pissed off either, but I was still mad at her not letting me in and for how she had been with me today. She had to say she was sorry. She had to realise she can't get away with acting like this and expect for me to put up with it.

"Mark, I don't..." I told her to be quiet and I told her I wanted an apology. There was something different in her eyes and I didn't like it. This wasn't the fire I liked to see in her, this was like storm clouds on the verge of breaking open and destroying everything it touched. I had to take a step back, she looked like evil itself.

"OK Mark. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever believed that you and I could work. I'm sorry I made you feel like shit, but what I'm most sorry about is feeling like shit too because you were sleeping with her when I was thinking I'm happy when I'm with you and I'm happy knowing you're in my bed. I'm so very fucking sorry."_ Oh fuck. She thinks I've slept with Michelle tonight. Did she just tell me she was happy to be with me? _My head was all over the place and I didn't know where to start with this. Telling her I hadn't cheated was probably the best place.

"Don't fucking lie to me. You're friends were gossiping about it and I saw the way she looked at you, I saw the fucking guilty look on your face and I see you now. I see you're a lying bastard and I see that I don't want you here. I want you to leave." Sarah stormed passed me and I was left in a mess. When Michelle came and tried to lay her claim on me, Sarah saw the past and mistook it for the present and what I saw in her eyes just then was not defensiveness nor was it a hint that we could work things out. I've hurt her and now she wanted me gone. For good. _Don't just stand here...run after her you fucking idiot._

I got to the foot of the stairs and Sarah was half way up. I called after her but she chose not to hear me. I raced up the stairs, taking three at a time and I was almost upon her. I told her I needed to explain things but she just kept on going, yelling at me that if I was going to tell her it was because I was drunk then I could save it.

I pulled at her arm and spun her around, almost toppling her down the stairs, but I had to get it through to her that I didn't cheat.

"Sarah, I swear I never slept with Michelle tonight. We did date for a few days but I swear it was over weeks ago. I ended it when you called me for the first time because it's you I want to be with. I love you."

I never saw it coming. Her hand made contact with my cheek and it hurt like a mother fucker. Part of me wanted to slap her back, but no matter how mad I was, I couldn't do something as disgusting as that. I was completely stunned at what she did and Sarah screamed in my face that she never wanted to hear me tell her that again, but the astonishing thing was that she said she didn't want to make her believe I love her.

I took my hand away from my face, the stinging was still there but had eased slightly. I looked up at her, ready to tell her I was going to find a hotel for the night and to call me when she realised what she'd done, but when I did look at her, she put her hand over her mouth and her eyes started to glisten. She was in as much shock as I. _Now tell my you're fucking sorry._

"God...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." The tears streamed down her cheeks and it hurt to see, but not as much as my face did. I yelled at her, louder than I had ever yelled at anyone before, to get out of my face because if she stayed stood in front of me much longer, I would have done something seriously unbecoming.

I sat with an ice pack on my cheek and drank a beer since I was now sober. Sarah knocked all the alcohol out of my system. _What the fuck is her problem?_ Stewie made a comment tonight about if Sarah was normal and I think I would like to see it once in a while, because what fucking woman doesn't like knowing she is loved?

I sat questioning why she reacted like she did and I suppose the only real question I should ask myself is what the fuck am I still doing here? Things would have been so much easier if I had stayed with Michelle back then and I posed another question to myself. _Should I leave?_ I couldn't think. Everything screamed at me that I still want Sarah, but something -I suppose my pride- was telling me that she was too much to deal with.

_Fuck this. I need some sleep._ I went up the stairs, there was no light coming from under Sarah's door and I was relieved and pissed off at the same time. Relieved that I wouldn't have to speak to her until we both had some sleep and chance to calm down, but pissed off that she could go to sleep so soundly after what she had done.

As I opened my bedroom door, I heard the big clock in the entrance hall chime four times and I had noticed it only ever chimed on the even hours. It was just like everything else in this house - odd.

The alarm clock read 5am and I was still awake and scared of what tonight had meant for me. After Sara finally admitted that she had been cheating, I vowed never again to let a woman make me feel weak and stupid again, but meeting Sarah and glimpsing what was behind her walls made me see that I wouldn't be truly happy alone.

The first time Sarah fell asleep in my arms, I tried to push past the feeling of wanting that everyday and it scared me just how quickly she had worked her way into my heart. She was the thing that had been missing from my life, the thing that filled the emptiness. And now, as I lay here without her, it scared me even more to think I may not ever feel whole again. _I can't sleep without her._


	33. In The End

**CHAPTER THIRTY THREE**

**In The End.**

My head still hurt as I woke. The light shone through my curtains and I was grateful it wasn't going to be another rainy day. Although it would be more fitting for the sky to be littered with dark clouds because I could already feel the thunderstorm raging in my heart and today would see it's total destruction.

I autonomously went through my morning routine of laying out today's clothes before showering and brushing my teeth before it really sank in what I was going to lose. _How can I go a day without him? _A wave of nausea swept through my stomach and I didn't want to go down the stairs and face Mark. It was eleven in the morning and I pondered how long I could stay in my room before Mark came and said 'we need to talk.'

The nausea continued to build and threatened to break the dam. I ran to the bathroom and knelt on the floor in front of the toilet, like I was praying to a porcelain God, but nothing came out.

I stayed sat on the cold bathroom floor waiting for myself to be sick, which I invariably would if I moved from this spot. _ OK, so I'll just sit here until Wednesday when Mark goes home and I won't have to do what's needed to be done._

The sickness was passing and I pushed myself up to go and get dressed when I heard a muffled noise in my room then a soft rap on the en-suite door. _Oh no. Please let that be Stewie and not Mark.._

"You in there?" _Oh crap._

"Er...no. I've gone out." _Nice one, he'll believe that and go about his day. Idiot!_ It was no good. I had to face him sooner or later and hoping Mark was a fool and go away wasn't going to happen. "Just give me a minute." I sat back down on the floor and held my breath and closed my eyes until the sickness in my stomach subsided. It soon passed but was replaced with a nervousness I hadn't felt before. _Get it over with. Send him home and move on._

"Actually, I'm not dressed yet, so could I meet you downstairs?" _Chicken._

"You've got no reason to be shy around me now, remember?" I did remember. Too well.

"OK." I took a deep breath and placed my hand on the door nob. "OK." _Here goes._

I opened the door and immediately felt sick. The red mark on his face brought back what I had done and I slammed the door and threw up.

"Sarah? You OK in there?" Mark kept calling me, but I couldn't answer. Seeing what I had done was too much to bare and the pain of hurting him grew stronger.

"I just need to brush my teeth." I did need to clean them again after being sick, but I could still hear a 'cluck cluck' in my head.

I cleaned my teeth yet again and rinsed with mouth wash twice to make sure the taste had well and truly gone away, I pulled my towel back up and went to open the door, but it opened itself "Shit." Mark was still stood on the other side and my words seemed fitting. "I mean, I thought you went downstairs."

"Sorry to startle you, I just thought you had fallen asleep in there." Mark looked down to my towel and smiled. "It's you that's half dressed for once!" _You, me and a bathroom door._

I smiled despite the fear and trepidation of what I had to do but it never fully went away. "I need to get dressed. I have to go shopping, the cupboards are almost empty." I tried to push past Mark but he wouldn't budge. "Mark, please." I tried again, but he pushed me back. Not a shove or anything like that, just a gentle reminder that he wasn't going to let me run away.

"You have time for breakfast first." Mark took my hand and pulled me over to the bed as I desperately tried to hold my towel up. _Why is he talking about breakfast? Shouldn't he be telling me what time his flight home is?_ "Get in." Mark pulled back my duvet and fluffed my pillows. _What is he up to? This isn't right at all._

I did as he asked and Mark covered me back over and left the room. _What is going on? And what does this have to do with breakfast?_

Mark appeared a few minutes later and handed me a cup of tea followed by a plate with two slices of toast on._ Has he poisoned this?_

"The tea should be right to drink but the toast may be a little cold." Mark went around to the other side of the bed and sat back beside me. "I remembered from my first morning here when we went to that diner." _Remembered what?_ I looked at my plate and one slice of toast had jam on and the other one just had butter. "I noticed you spread jelly on one slice but left the other, you sliced them in half then you ate them alternately." _He noticed that?_

I couldn't understand why he was being nice, well, as far as I knew anyway. He hadn't called me any pet names and he hardly smiled so I didn't know what game he was playing. I started playing with my food and couldn't bring myself to take a bite.

"Go on, you look pale and you need to eat." Mark stared blankly at me while I nibbled at one slice. My stomach started yelling at me that it wasn't enough and I never realised how hungry I was until that moment. I ate all of it without chewing properly and was getting heartburn as punishment for not minding my 'table' manners.

I drank the tea down in three goes and I felt a little more revived. "Thanks. Did you poison it?" I could have made out like it was a joke, but even I heard how serious I was. Mark laughed it off anyway, saying how it was a woman's thing.

"Right." Mark took my plate and my cup and reached over me to place them on my bedside table. "Now you have eaten, I think we need to talk about last night, and I don't want any attempts to run off." I felt the dread working it's way through my chest, giving my heartburn something to contend with but he was right and now I had to 'man up' and tell him how I think about things.

"I know we need to talk but before we do, I need to say something first." I shuffled so I was sat fully upright and pulled the duvet up to my chin, like it would help soften the repercussions of what was going to follow.

Mark looked surprised at my willingness to cooperate with him by not making excuses to run away from this. I surprised myself a little too.

I turned to face him and looked at his cheek. The red mark was no where near as bad as I first thought but the sight brought everything flooding back once more and the self loathing for what I did began to devour me. My eyes started to fill with tears, but I managed to blink them away.

"I am so sorry I lost my temper. I know that doesn't make up for it, I know nothing will, but I am really sorry for what I did." The tears threatened to overrun and I had to use all the strength I had not to fall to pieces.

"Is that all you're sorry for?" Mark looked angry but his voice remained neutral and now I knew why he made me breakfast. He was lulling me into a false sense of security.

I was too busy fighting with my instinct to run that I didn't answer.

"Guess so then. I can see you're sorry for slapping me and I'll forgive you this time, but I won't stand for it again. Understood?" _I have to do this. I have to do what's best for him._

"You won't have to. I meant what I said last night and other times. I don't think we would work and it would be better if you went home." I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see if there was anger or hurt in his beautiful eyes and I didn't want him to see I felt it too.

The silence was killing me. Mark hadn't uttered a word for almost fifteen minutes, nor had he moved but I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my face.

"Fine. If that's what you really want." Mark scooted over to the edge of the bed and sat with his back to me.

"I'm sorry, Mark." And I really was. I don't want him to leave, I wanted to be with him, but it was for his own good now he's had a glimpse of what I am and aren't capable of.

"You say that a lot, don't you?" Mark turned his head and looked back at me, his eyes narrowed and his brow knitted with both anger and confusion. I did say it a lot but the truth is, I had a lot to be sorry for. I was sorry for how things had turned out and I was sorry that I couldn't feel what I was supposed to feel.

Mark left my room and as I watched him close my door behind him, my strength left me and the glass from my shattered heart tore me to shreds, knowing that when Mark left for home I would never be able to pick up the pieces.

I hid in my room for two hours. Mark was only down stairs but I could already feel the loss and soon enough he wouldn't even be in the same house or even the same continent. _How can I watch him leave?_

I had to put make up on to hide the tell tale puffiness of my eyes and I made my way down the stairs. I could hear the TV and the smell of coffee drifted from the kitchen.

Mark was sat on the sofa and looked up at me as I entered the room then looked straight back at the TV, letting me know he wasn't in the mood to speak. _I've hurt him all over again._

I walked past him and washed the pots before I made myself a cup of tea and took it outside to the garden and made my way to my part of the world. I tried to walk tall and with my chin up, but my shoulders seemed happy in their slump as did my chin resting on my chest.

I had made a call to Janice at the NSPCC office that I would be going back to work tomorrow instead of Thursday and we would work on the fund raiser that was happening mid-May. Work would serve as a good distraction, just like it always did.

I sat watching the fish scoop up the pellets of food and thought about Mark and how simple things were before he came here. _Actually, things were simple before I met him._ I smiled at the memory of looking into his eyes for the first time and feeling the things I did for the first time, but then I got mad. _Why couldn't that have been it? Why did I let him buy me a drink that night?_ Sure, I was strongly attracted to him the first time we met backstage but all that would have done is given me some new fantasy material to explore. It was sitting down and talking with him at the bar that did the damage. _Why did he have to be a nice guy? Why did he have to be so different from everyone else I have met?_ Ultimately, it didn't matter how many questions I asked myself about Mark because it was over now. I had succeeded in pushing him away and keeping my heart safe from his constant attempts to find a way in. _But he's the only one who has tried to find a way in and I don't feel very safe. What have I done?_ The realisation of not thinking this through hit me like a tonne of bricks.

My heart was now involved in the discussion and it was yelling at me to stop being stupid and go and fix this. _I have to try._

I got to my feet and was determined in my mission to not let Mark leave, but then my brain added fuel to an already volatile debate. _Mark leaving is for the best. I don't trust him._

I sat back down and waited for the tug of war between brain and heart come to a close.

_I don't trust him. I care about him. I can never love him. I'm happy with him. _The argument carried on but the right thing was to go with my instincts and they told me to run as far away from Mark as possible. He was dangerous to my way of life.

My thoughts were interrupted by a cup appearing in front of my face. I looked up and Mark was at the other end of it.

"You've been out here an hour. Thought you would be ready for a refill."

"Er...Yeah...thanks." I took the cup from Mark, who sat beside me and I studied his face, trying to find the solution to the conundrum my head and my heart had created. _Why does he make me so unsure?_

His fingertips found my face and wiped away a tear from my cheek that I didn't even know I had cried. His soft touch made another one fall and I felt it this time.

"Tell me again it's what you really want." _I don't know...is it?_


	34. A Change of Heart

**CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR**

**A Change of Heart.**

I don't know how I fell asleep alone, but I did. It was a little after ten and my first thought was of Sarah. _Is she awake yet?_ I got up and showered, brushed my teeth and shaved. I peered around her bedroom door and I could see her curled up under her covers breathing deeply. _I'll leave her a while before I wake her to talk._

I ate a bacon sandwich while I thought about what to say to Sarah once she woke. I was still angry with her for lashing out and I was still hurt by the fact she thought I would ever cheat, but yesterday taught me something about her that I never fully understood, I didn't see it at the time because I was so tired and drinking didn't help me see any better but now I saw a little bit more of what lay beneath. I knew that she covered what she really thinks and feels, but yesterday she let her guard slip enough to show me she does care about me and I saw just how frightened she was to have someone in her life. That's the reason she lashed out. It wasn't because she thought I slept with Michelle, she slapped me because I told her I love her. I had to wonder just how damaged she was if she couldn't accept that I wanted to be in her life and her heart. _I have to talk to her. I have to make her see she doesn't have to be afraid._

I made a cup of tea and put some bread in the toaster while I went to wake her up. I knocked on her door, but she didn't answer. I opened it a fraction and saw the bed was made and had a pair of jeans and a blouse arranged on the end of her bed. _She's in the shower._

I knocked on the door and asked if she was in there and she replied that she had gone out. I didn't know if she was in a good mood and she was joking around, or if she wanted to be left alone and didn't want to talk to me. She was so angry last night, but as she ran away from me, she looked so upset. Whether it was from me yelling at her or for what she had done, I didn't know and I really didn't know what mood she was in this morning. I didn't know what mood I was in either. Part of me wanted to kill her for slapping me and part of me wanted to push past all of this and be back in her arms and in her bed again.

Sarah shouted through the door saying she wasn't dressed and she would meet me downstairs but I had already seen her undressed, not in great lighting to allow me to see her clearly, but close enough. _God, the way she feels..._

"You've got no reason to be shy around me now, remember?" I was getting distracted by thoughts of kissing and touching and being inside her that I began to lose focus of letting her know she couldn't get away with treating me like she has done.

The door opened and the look on her face was not a good one. She looked pale and hungover. I was about to tell her I had made breakfast but she slammed the door on me and retreated back to the bathroom. _What the fuck?_ I was about to yell at her for being a child and running away when I heard her being sick. _H__ow much did she have to drink last night?_

I asked if she was OK but she didn't answer. I pondered whether or not to go in, but I did that once when Sara had her morning sickness and she got a bit upset at the fact I was witnessing a less than flattering sight of her.

"Sarah? Are you all right in there?" I asked her several times but the only response I got was she needed to brush her teeth. _Is she stalling?_

I wasn't sure, so I rested against the door and waited her out.

There was silence coming from the bathroom for at least ten minutes. _Is she seriously thinking she can hide in there?_ I wasn't going to let her think she could hide from this any longer and I started to turn the handle, but it was met with resistance. _What the f..._ "Shit." Sarah opened the door at the exact same time as I tried to walk in and she was surprised to say the least that I hadn't gone away.

"Sorry to startle you, I just thought you had fallen asleep in there." I looked her over, from her wet hair down to her long legs that were only half covered by the towel she clung onto and it didn't help the thoughts of how her skin feels with no clothing getting in the way. _Time to test her mood._ "It's you that's half dressed for once!" I caught the smile of recognition on her face and a slight blush, but it soon faded and her face went back to being unreadable. _OK, so she's not sure how she feels either._

She may have been unreadable, but one thing was for certain and that was she doesn't look well at all. Her eyes were weighed down with dark circles and her skin was so pale and ashen that it looked more than a hangover. _Come to think of it, she didn't seem drunk last night. Is she ill?_

Sarah tried to walk by me with some excuse about grocery shopping, but I let her know that we wasn't going anywhere. I took her hand, which she never tried to pull away from, and led her over to her bed and covered her over while I went to finish her breakfast.

_Does she have jelly on her toast? _I plunged the switch down on the toaster to reheat the bread and tried to remember if I had seen her eat toast before. _I have. She ordered some with her hangover cure in the diner._ I remembered her having jelly on one slice and just butter on the other then ate it. I remember thinking something I thought when we first met. _She's so odd. But endearing._

I made my way back upstairs and paused at her door. All I knew was that we had to talk, but I had no idea what to say or how to act. I wanted to show her I wasn't going to put up with her temper or her unwillingness to talk, but knowing what I do know about her, I had to make her see I wasn't going to abandon her. I could walk away from her, it would be so much easier than trying to get through to her, but I love her and I had been around the block enough times to know that when something feels right, you shouldn't let go.

I gave Sarah her breakfast and hoped it would restore some colour to her face. I sat and watched her eat and she even smiled that I remembered how she likes her toast. She drank her tea pretty quickly and looked a little better. "Thanks. Did you poison it?" She followed with a little smile, but I could hear a serious undertone to her question. _Does she really think I'm that angry with her? Is that why she has hardly said a word to me?_

"No I didn't! Poisoning is a woman's choice for murder!" I laughed it off, but I was still concerned that she was a little frightened that I was still angry with her. I took her plate and her cup and leaned over to place them on her bedside locker. I leaned in so close I could smell the sweet coconut scent of her hair. The same scent that lingered on my pillow and the same scent that made it impossible to sleep without her.

I looked in her eyes as I told her we needed to talk and I saw a fleeting look of panic before she looked determined to talk about last night too.

"...I need to say something first." Sarah sat straight backed and looked resolute in her need to talk and I was a bit surprised. I had already thought of a counter to any excuse she would make to run away from this.

"OK. I'm listening." I was a little worried now because she had a determination on her face I hadn't seen before.

"Right." Sarah took a deep breath and turned to look at me, giving me all of her attention for the first time today, but then she lost the look of resolve and for a minute I thought she was going to cry. She reached her hand out to touch my face but then pulled back, like it would hurt if she made contact. "I am so sorry I lost my temper. I know that doesn't make up for it, I know nothing will, but I am really sorry for what I did."

She sounded and looked genuine enough in her apology, she even looked remorseful and her eyes sparkled with moisture, before she blinked it all away and went back to her neutral face. _Will she ever stop covering?_ I wished she would stop with all of her defensive shit for once, I was trying to defuse this situation and all she could do was goad me into being pissed off.

"Is that all you're sorry for?" I looked at her, seeing if I could milk another moment of softness out of her, but she started twirling her hair around her finger and I wasn't sure if it even registered with her that I had asked a question. "Guess so then. I can see you're sorry for slapping me and I'll forgive you this time, but I won't stand for it again. Understood?"

Sarah dropped her hand from her hair and took a deep breath. At first I though it was from relief that she realised I wasn't angry with her, but I was sorely mistaken.

"You won't have to. I meant what I said last night and other times. I don't think we would work and it would be better if you went home." _What?_

I couldn't quite believe what she was saying. Of all the shit I had put up with from her mouth and her temper, this hurt the most. She had said things before about not being close to anyone and not ever being happy, but this is the only time she had been direct in her wishes and this was the only time it wasn't said in anger or panic. I studied her face she was trying to hide behind her hair and I could see it took strength for her to tell me she wanted me gone and it pissed me off.

The seriousness of her request was evident, but this followed the pattern I had come accustomed to. First came anger, then came defensiveness followed by a momentary softness and honesty, then it went back to defensiveness.

We had the anger last night so was this defensiveness? Is this her trying to protect herself from the possibility of hurt? _Fuck it. Fuck her. I can't keep doing this._

"Fine. If that's what you really want."

I was fucking furious. Sarah sat up in her room hiding like a little brat and I was tempted to walk out right now. I knew after the red mist had cleared, I would realise she was in fact just protecting her heart, but at this moment in time she could fucking stay up there so I didn't have to look at her. I refuse to be a playing piece in her silly little games. _Fuck her._

I drank a coffee and flicked through the TV channels before I heard footsteps in the entrance hall. _If she thinks she can speak to me, she's got another thing coming._

She came into the lounge and I looked at her. She wore brightly coloured clothes and even put on some make up, which I noticed she didn't do much, and it pissed me off that she looked bright and cheery. She even tried to smile at me and the audacity of her made my blood boil. _Fuck her._

I broke my gaze and she sighed and walked through to the kitchen. _Did she really expect me to be fine with her after what she said? _ Stupid wasn't one of the words I would associate with Sarah, but she was doing a very good impersonation of being dumb.

I sat for an hour and I still couldn't calm myself. I knew she was out there in her little place that cut her off from the real word and it made me all the more angry that she would rather be out there on her own that in here explaining what the fuck was going on.

'What the fuck is wrong with your sister?' I text Stewie. I knew Sarah would recoil even further if she saw my current mood, but I still needed to vent.

I went to pour another coffee and my cell vibrated in my pocket.

'I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it! This is every day!' Stewie was right. My texting him to say his sister had a big chip on her shoulder was a regular thing and it wasn't good. _Maybe it is better we are over. It shouldn't be this much hard work._

I added some sugar to my coffee, which I didn't usually take, but I was still feeling the effects from lack of sleep when Stewie text again.

'Just let her know you won't put up with whatever crap she's laid on you this time. Try to remember though that she's happy with you and she will feel the need to run away from that. Don't let her.'

_Was this one of her games? Was she seeing if I would fight for this? Should I?_ I was more confused than ever. I didn't want to walk away from her, but she was getting to be too much hard work. _Fuck it. Just calm down and go talk to her._

I saw her sat on her little wooden bench and she looked like someone who had fell asleep sat up. Her head was resting on her chest with hair tumbling down her face . _What do I say?_ _How about I start with the cup that's burning my hand off!_

I held the cup out and hoped she would hurry in taking it from me. She looked up to see who was invading her space and I could see now why she wore make up. Her red eyes and the mascara smudges were evidence that she did in fact have a heart. "You've been out here an hour. Thought you would be ready for a refill."

She thanked me for the tea in the same small voice I heard from her last night and it was still creepy to hear a lack of firmness from her.

I brushed one tear away and watched as another one fell. _She is covering. She is fighting to keep her distance._ I felt a slight relief that my knowledge of her was correct, but it still didn't change the fact she was unhappy.

"Tell me again it's what you really want." I looked in her eyes and held my breath.

***Not long now folks before Sarah and Mark find a direction. I wrote this story just for me, but after I was ****encouraged to post it I considered shortening it for other peoples benefit, but I was again encouraged to keep it as I had written it. But thank you all for the reviews and your patience. **


	35. Over the Rainbow

**CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE**

**Over the Rainbow.**

Mark repeated his question, asking if I really wanted this to be over and I was torn. Everything said we wouldn't work, but the one thing that confused the issue was the thing in my chest that had been long dormant and it started yelling louder than I have ever heard it before.

"I can't think, Mark. I need to think this through." My head was scrambling for answers and all it got me were more questions. _Should I go with what's right? Or what feels right?_

"Well why don't you try talking it through with me. You might find it helps." Mark took the cup out of my hand and brushed my hair out of my eyes. I wish he wouldn't do that. It confuses me. "Tell me your reasons for us not being together and I'll try to talk you out of it!" His charming smile confused me too but I couldn't hide the giggle that fell from me.

"OK. There are lots of reasons why we wouldn't work and it won't be easy for you to hear. I don't want you to get angry with me." I'm sure it was only the tip of the iceberg I saw last night as he yelled and called me names and I really didn't want to see what lay beneath the now calm waters.

Mark tried to persuade me his temper would remain under control and that I had nothing to be scared of, but it didn't put me at ease.

I finished my cup of tea while I thought about how to word things to keep him calm, and in going over everything, I knew my reasons were right.

"Before you talk to me, can you answer me something, sweetheart?" _Sweetheart? _It was the first time today Mark had used any pet name, and as infuriated as I used to be with it, I felt my whole body warm to hear it again. "Do you believe me when I tell you I love you?" _No._

"I just don't understand how someone can feel that way after only a few days. Sorry, Mark, but I don't really believe you." _Sorry again._ I was being sorry a lot over the past few days and that had to be a factor in weighing things up. I never apologise for anything.

Mark looked put out at first, but a smile crept across his lips. "It hasn't been a few days. I met you months ago remember? I guess you've just been kind of creeping in since day one!" He took my hand in his and it felt right. "I'm not some kid who confuses a crush. I know what I feel and you have to believe me one day because I'm not going to stop feeling it." _He loves me?_

I looked in his eyes and I saw the emotion that lay behind them. I did believe he thinks he loves me, but I still couldn't accept it. _'No one could ever love you'_ The words from my childhood grew up with me. The older I got, the more I believed it. _No one can love my darkness. My darkness can never love anyone. _

"I did mean what I said yesterday. I can't say it back and I don't know if I ever will be able to." I couldn't even bring myself to say 'those three words' in a sentence. Mark's arms dropped and his head followed suit. He walked away from me and began to pace._ Why do I have to keep talking? _

"Can you tell me why?" Mark looked for some sort of hope in me but I had none to give.

"People say it without thinking. It's said in a hurry on the way out the door, it's said as a quick goodbye on the phone, it's said because someone has said it to you and it's the response you should give and it's said without stopping and fully realising what you have in your life. I won't say it until I am ready to surrender my soul to someone. If I ever say it, then it will be because I truly feel it and intend to feel it for the rest of my life but I don't think I'm capable of that. I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than you think I should, and I'm making it sound like the entire fabric of the universe will change, but it would for me. It would change me completely." _What would happen?_

I was so sure I was falling for Mark last night as I sat watching the rain, but nothing happened. My darkness didn't envelop me, my head didn't explode...So what would happen? _Would my darkness leave and never come back?_ A moment of hope that I could get my 'one day' quickly vanished. _I am my darkness. I proved that last night. There is no hope._

Mark had been quiet for a while and the silence was deafening. "Are you OK?" I had to speak because I couldn't take the silence any more. I was going crazy.

"I don't know." Mark hung his head and then looked up at me with a sort of smile that I couldn't define. "I understand what you're saying and I think you're right, I had never thought about how people take 'those words' for granted and I suppose I should learn to appreciate what it means, but I can't understand how you can tell me with any certainty that you can't feel that? Love is love and it's not something you can chose from a brochure, it's something that happens and it's something you can't control."

"But that's the problem. I have to be in control." Mark questioned why, but I thought that was painfully obvious. Quite literally! "You felt yourself what happens when I lose it." I pointed to his face and he subconsciously rubbed his cheek. "If I can't keep my emotions in check and I lose my temper...I scare myself."

_I became my mother._

"I'll just have to make sure I don't piss you off any more then!" Mark tried to laugh it off and it did feel a bit patronising, but I couldn't really expect him to understand the reasons or the true extent of things.

"We haven't been one day without pissing each other off. I'm hungry." I did a complete U-turn in subject change and Mark took my hand and walked me back in the house.

I made us both a sandwich and another drink and we sat opposite each other at the kitchen table.

"No you have refuelled, what else do you want to tell me?" Mark picked my plate up from in front of me and placed it in the sink. _I need to wash those pots._ "I'll do the dishes later." _He can still read my mind!_

"There are just so many reasons this wouldn't work, I mean you'd be three thousand miles away!" Mark brought me a bar of chocolate but I pushed it away. "I don't really like chocolate."

"See how talking helps? I'm learning something new about you everyday!" Mark laughed and I had to admire his optimism. "Anyway, if distance bothers you that much, you could always move to Texas!" Mark smiled as he bit into his bar of chocolate and I didn't know if he was being serious, but that was definitely not going to happen.

"That's a daft idea. I would never leave here. Ever." I was a bit too harsh in my response and Mark's light mood had all but gone. _Crap. Me and my mouth._ But it was a stupid idea and he shouldn't be joking around with something like that.

"Well it was just a thought, but now I know not to ask again." Mark took a mouthful of his coffee and I didn't know what to make of the conversation. _Was he being serious? I can't leave here. _"What else?"

I thought back to last night at the bar. How Michelle looked at him and how he spoke to her. I also thought about how she looked and it made me wonder if he wanted me at all.

"I don't trust you." It came out a little less tactful than I intended, but the point still had to be made. Mark paused, mid sip, and his eyes widened.

"Don't trust me? In what way?" _Oh sod it. In for a penny..._

"Tell me about your wife." It made me a little angry that last night made me question my image. I didn't really care how I looked, I was happy and that's all that mattered, but knowing Mark had slept with a carbon copy of all the diva's gave my self esteem a little knock.

Mark made some comment about not having a wife and thought he was being charming again until he saw I wasn't in the mood for his charm. Then things got even more complicated.

"Which wife do you want to know about?"

"How many have you had?" I was shocked and never really thought Mark was the type to repeatedly marry, he always seemed grounded in that respect.

"Two. I thought you knew that." He didn't look like he was trying to get a reaction from me, so I let it slide. I shook my head and Mark started telling me about wife number one and wife number two's personalities.

"I don't mean their life story, I mean describe them to me." Mark looked a bit puzzled as to my demand, but he did as I asked.

"Well. Jodie is about yea high..." Mark made a slashing gesture half way up his biceps "...she was slim built but put on weight after giving birth...er...brown eyes...blonde hair...I don't know what else." Mark shrugged his shoulders then started telling me about Sara. "Sara is taller than Jodie, she's just a bit shorter than you and she likes to train hard. She pushes herself too hard in the gym sometimes. She has brown eyes, blonde hair and she's kind of a tom boy. Why are you asking this?"

_Blonde Jodie, blonde Sara, blonde Michelle. _I was tempted to ask about cosmetic surgery too, but I think hearing outright that Mark liked Barbie dolls would piss me off more than I would like.

"Describe Michelle to me." I was getting very agitated at how he could make me question my confidence with the opposite sex. I was in no way vain, but I never had any self doubt in that respect.

"You met her, you've seen her on TV, what the fuck is this all about?" Mark was getting agitated too, but then his face scrunched and he hung his head. "Is this because of last night? Because I never slept with her...it was weeks ago."

"Just describe her." I realised my annoyance was shining through my voice, but this was tough to hear.

"Fine. She's tall, she's blonde, she's..."

"Do you notice you're repeating yourself?" I kind of felt like a trail lawyer who had made a witness slip up in their testimony.

Mark thought about it for a while before the penny dropped. "You think that's my type? You think that's what I look for in a woman?"

I made it clear that he made it clear and he laughed at me! _Bastard._ "What's so funny? I'm just going on what I know."

"I'm twice divorced, so clearly my 'type' isn't working for me is it? And you forget something in your little concoction of my type...I broke it off with tall, blonde Michelle when you called me. I broke up with her for you." _Crap...he's got me there... _"Is that why you say you don't trust me? You think I'll sleep with Michelle when I go back to work?"

"Not just Michelle...shit..." I really should forget how to speak. Mark asked what I really wanted to say and there simply was no 'get out' for this. I had to give him the full onslaught of my confidence knock.

"Every woman that you've described to me looks like every diva on the roster and I know you work away for months on end, it would be impossible for me not to be..." _Stop talking Sarah!_

"Jealous?" Mark looked rather pleased with himself and I could almost imagine him doing a happy dance.

"Fuck you." He was right, but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. And this felt oddly familiar!

Mark got up from his seat and came and pulled my chair out with me still sat on it. "Hey!" He knelt in front of me and rested his hands on my legs.

"I would tell you you're being silly, but I can see this is a problem for you. Regardless of what you think my type is, I don't cheat. EVER. I hated being with Sara some times but I never once got tempted by any one else." Mark looked sincere and I wanted to believe him, I really did. "Actually. I did get tempted once. I met a woman backstage a while ago and I swear I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my life and I wished I wasn't married because I really wanted to take her to my hotel room and show her how much she turns me on. In fact, I had to run off because I wanted her so much." _Count to ten...Hang on. He said turns me on. As in present context..better make it ten thousand..._

"How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel better? You're such a fucking idiot." I tried to get up, but Mark held me firmly to my chair.

"Because that woman is you. You're the only one who had ever tempted me. You're the only one who will ever tempt me." Mark planted a kiss on my lips and I was in disbelief. "You want me to show you what you do to me?" Mark kissed me again and I responded this time.

I felt him open the buttons on my blouse and his hand slipped in, lightly caressing what ever part of my chest he could touch. _Goodbye sanity..._

I couldn't keep my hands off him either. I lifted his top above his head and went right back to kissing him, it drove me wild how good of a kisser he is and I was in danger of becoming dependent.

Mark whispered lots of things in my ear as his hands continued their tour of my body but then he stopped everything. "Do you still want this to be over?" _No._ _Yes. I don't know. _

I had to push Mark away, he confused what seemed so simple seconds ago.

"Maybe we could work on the distance thing and maybe I could trust you, but it still doesn't change the fact I may not ever feel that way for you." I just had to be honest. I reiterated what I told him before about being confused since he got here and that's all I could do, there wasn't any answer I could give and I couldn't give him a time frame of when or if I'd be a regular person with regular feelings.

I went to the sink and poured a glass of water to rehydrate my dry mouth. Honesty didn't taste very nice.

Mark's hands pulled my by my waist and turned me around.

"Well I suppose I just have to take a leap of faith then." He kissed me lightly and the once cold thing that lay in my chest started to warm and started to beat again. The darkness curled it's self into a ball and went into hibernation. "Promise me you will let me in." He kissed me once more and it felt like the world had stopped turning. "Let me in here." He placed a gentle kiss on my chest and I couldn't fight how good it felt.

He looked right into my eyes and brushed my hair out of my face. My old friend nuclear fusion reared it's head and I couldn't hide the the smile Mark always managed to make me smile.

"Promise me you will stop with all of this defensive stuff and from now on tell me what's going on with you because it's not just you now sweetheart. It's us." I looked into his beautiful green eyes and I could see he was serious about this. I could also see that just maybe I had a 'one day' to look forward to.

"I promise to try." I reached up to kiss him and I hoped he would accept my promise. A promise to me was as good as a legal document and I took it as seriously.

It wasn't long before both of us were almost fully undressed and reaching fever pitch. The kind of thing that usually happens in the bedroom was now happening on the kitchen worktop and up against the fridge and it was the kind of thing that I could so easily become addicted to. We were more than ready for the final act. Mark lifted me up and rested me down on the table, pushing my thighs apart and I needed him to finish things, to put us both out of our sweet misery.

"Wait." I thought I heard a noise, but I didn't recognise what it was.

"You want to be on top? That's more than fine with me!" Mark chuckled and sat on a chair, waiting for me to jump on.

"Kiddo? You in?" _Alex?_

"Who the Hell is that?" Mark asked while scrambling to find his jeans.

"He's not due back for three days."

"Kiddo?" Alex's voice was getting closer to the kitchen and I pulled my trousers on faster than I ever had but I had no clue where my knickers were.

I pulled my blouse on and hurriedly tried to button it as I went to the living room door to find Alex about to walk into the kitchen.

"Are you in the middle of something?" Alex looked at my haphazardly buttoned blouse and it was all buttoned wrong.

"Actually, something was about to be in the middle of me." I heard Mark laugh from the kitchen and Alex looked more than curious.

"You got someone here?" Alex tried to peer around me, but he was shorter than I so couldn't quite manage it.

"Why are you back early?" I changed the subject and I didn't realise how rude I was being.

"Well I missed you too, kiddo. Sorry to interrupt you're little party of two, but I flew for twenty six hours to talk to you. It's really important." _Oh God. He's flew from Hong Kong to tell me something. _

I felt dread like I felt when Christopher didn't have much time and I felt sick. "OK...Just let me..."

I went to the kitchen and Mark was standing by the sink, now fully clothed. "What's wrong sweetheart? You look like you've seen a ghost." Mark came over and held my hand, giving me support when neither of us knew if I needed it.

"Alex wants to talk to me, he's flown all this way to tell me something and I'm a bit worried." I told Mark how I was feeling and it was a first step to opening up.

"I'm right here, sweetheart." Mark kissed the top of my head and held me in his arms. Right where I fit perfectly.

"Who the Hell are you?" Alex called and I turned to see the puzzled look on his face.

"Sorry. Alex, this is Mark."

"I didn't mean him. I meant you. Who the Hell are you?" Alex looked kind of amused and kind of confused. I suppose I could understand why, I wasn't the most tactile of people and I don't think Alex has once seen my really happy. _Happy!_ I smiled at him and then the knowledge of why he was here tore me from my happiness.

"Don't be daft! Now what is it you want to tell me?" I walked over to the kitchen table and took a seat. I had a feeling I would need to be sat down for this. Alex looked to Mark then looked to me, his brown eyes asking if I wanted him to be here for this. "What ever you have to say, you can say in front of Mark." Alex looked puzzled to see me this way again, and I couldn't really blame him. Alex sat next to me and said six words that would change my life forever. Six words that made me human again.

"Ding dong the witch is dead."


	36. Fight or Flight?

**CHAPTER FORTY**

**Fight or Flight.**

"Tell me if you want this to be over." I repeated myself as Sarah hadn't answered or even acknowledged me the first time around and I didn't know if I should worry. Seeing an emotion in her eyes that wasn't anger made me believe she was trying to push me away from feeling what ever it is she feels and I had to push back.

She shook her head as if she was trying to shake some kind of answer free and followed up with she couldn't think. _Don't fight this._ I fully realised now that today would either be the start of something, or it would wither and die before it came to life.

I took away the cup of tea I had brought her because she sat staring into it, hoping tea leaves would tell her fortune. "Tell me your reasons for us not being together and I'll try to talk you out of it!" As much as I wanted to yell at her to be straight with me for once and to stop hiding behind her walls, it would get me nowhere so I thought it best to keep her mood light and her voice below ear bleed level. It worked! Sarah let a soft giggle escape from her throat and her smile, that had been lacking of late, returned.

And then it faded. She wouldn't look at me as she said she didn't want to make me mad and the vulnerability she hid deep inside made a rare appearance. _Do I scare her?_

"I won't get angry with you, I swear you have nothing to be afraid of and I would never not want to hear what you think." _Unless she's thinking about telling me to leave. Do not want to hear that!_

"OK, just give me a minute here. I need to think straight first." Sarah reached over and took hold of her cup in both hands and went back to trying to read tea leaves. I just had to play the waiting game.

I got bored of waiting and asked her if she believed I love her. I hoped she did because it would give me an anchor to keep her from running away, but she repeated what she had said before, only with a lot less shouting and far fewer cuss words, about how I had only been here a few days. _Why won't she just believe it? Or maybe she does and she's trying to push away._

I thought about the day I first met her and the strange feeling I got talking to her, like I had an intimacy with her that went far beyond wanting to get her into bed. Maybe a few days was a bit too quick to fall for someone, but I think it started way back then.

"It hasn't been a few days. I met you months ago remember? I guess you've just been kind of creeping in since day one!" I took hold of her hand and, surprisingly, she reciprocated. _Don't let go. _"I'm not some kid who confuses a crush. I know what I feel and you have to believe me one day because I'm not going to stop feeling it."

Her eyes search mine for any kind of hint I was lying, but she could look all she wanted because she won't find anything. I thought she was starting to believe me until I saw a sadness take her over and she dropped her head, saying she couldn't feel the same way. _Just stop fucking running._

I couldn't sit next to he any longer. I let go of her hand and walked off the frustration of this whole thing. I knew she didn't want to admit what ever she feels for fear of it making her weak or something equally as stupid, but to say she's not capable of such feelings was just fucking inhuman. All the stuff she said to me yesterday about never being normal had to be some sort of joke or some kind of extreme way to tell me she was scared of getting close. I hoped I could fight her fear and show her it was OK to admit to feeling something for me.

I asked her to tell me why she said what she did and for once I got an insight into how her mind works.

It wasn't a direct answer to my question, but she reeled off a list of reasons why she doesn't trust 'those words', like it was something someone said without really thinking about it and I suppose it made sense. I often used to say it to Sara on my way out the door and never really thought about what I was saying. It was nice to know she took 'I love you' seriously and she made it clear that if she said 'I love you' then it would be for life.

Kind of old fashioned and kind of odd, but endearing none the less.

I pointed out that love was something a person can't control and she pointed out that she had to remain in control for fear of losing her temper.

She was so angry last night, the kind of anger you see in a provoked tiger, but I survived so I didn't understand what her fear was.

"We haven't been one day without pissing each other off. I'm hungry." _Lunch is a good idea!_ I was hungry too and as I held her hand back to the house, I smiled thinking about what Stewie had said too, that us pissing each other off was a regular occurrence. It was true. We hadn't been one day, or even one part of the day without making each other mad and I hoped it was because of the feelings that lay behind the anger. She wouldn't get so mad with me if she didn't care, would she?

After feeling almost full and a bit more awake with the two cups of coffee I had drank, I watched as Sarah twirled her hair and made the curl of the strand of hair even tighter.

"I never told you I like your hair. It suits you shorter." She never even blinked. _Hello in there..._ I wish she would think out loud sometimes.

She finished with her hair and started pushing crumbs around on her plate. _Right, that's enough stalling._

I took the plate from in front of her and asked her to continue talking to me. I had her full attention now and as I went to put the plates and cups in the sink, I saw her shuffle in her seat and look back over her shoulder at the dishes. _She's dying to wash these!_

I told her I would do the dishes later and she blushed at how transparent she was at times. I found myself wondering if she was domesticated. I knew she didn't like dirty dishes and she always used a coaster when she had a drink, they were signs of a tidy person, but I hadn't seen her do any real housework. Or cook. _I need something sweet. _

I rummaged in the cupboards until I found some chocolate. I poured myself another coffee and took my place opposite Sarah at the table and handed her a candy bar.

"There are just so many reasons this wouldn't work, I mean you'd be three thousand miles away!" Sarah had made a point that I had often thought about in the past couple of days and I could only think of one way to counter the problem, but I wasn't at all optimistic she would go for the idea.

"I don't really like chocolate." She pushed the candy bar over to me, inviting me to eat her share. _How can anyone not like chocolate!_ She definitely wasn't like other women!

I suggested that she move to the States and she didn't look happy at all with it. I never suggested it seriously, like I was asking her to move in with me, but she made it very clear that she thought it was a stupid idea and would never leave this house that makes her so miserable. _So what does this mean now?_

If we were to have any kind of future together, then her moving to the States was the only way to go about it. I couldn't leave my kids and my work.

I asked for any other reasons why she said it should be over and she got a nasty look on her face. _This isn't going to be good._

"I don't trust you." _What?_ I thought after allowing me into her bed it was an indication that she trusted me. I knew she never truly trusted any one before and I knew it was a big deal for her to be comfortable around me, so this was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth. _Doesn't she trust my temper?_ After what happened when she locked herself in the bathroom and after the things I said last night, I did wonder if she thought I was like her ex.

Then the very last thing I expected happened. Sarah asked me about my wife.

"I don't have a wife, darlin'. The divorce if final and I can be with who ever I please." I reached over to take her hand and the cold look in her eyes stopped me dead.

"I mean it. I want to know about your wife. Ex wife, whatever." _If this turns into do you still love her...do you wish you were still married...I swear, I will walk out._ _Hang on...ex wife? Does she mean Jodie?_ I wasn't sure so I asked and I got the feeling she didn't mean Jodie.

"How many have you had?"

"Two. I thought you knew that." Judging by the surprised look on her face, I figured she didn't know I had been married twice.

"Obviously not. So tell me about them." She didn't really look pissed at me any more, and I had no clue as to why she was asking, but I had nothing to hide from her.

"OK...I married Jodie when I was young, too young really, and she liked to party a lot but she was a great interior designer and Sara I met in California at a fan signing and she is a huge boxing fan and likes to work out and she..."

"I don't mean their life story, I mean describe them to me." Sarah banged her fist on the table and I got the sense there was an underlying reason for these questions, but I just wasn't seeing it.

I described how Jodie and Sara looked and my Sarah was getting more and more pissed off. _Am I supposed to understand why she's asking this?_ I was fucking clueless, and then she asked me to describe Michelle to her and it made me even more clueless. Sarah met Michelle last night and she had seen her on the show, so what the fuck did she need to know that for? _Oh shit...she still thinks I slept with Michelle last night. But why ask about Sara and Jodie?_

"Just describe her." Sarah was really pissed off now, not in the fiery way she gets, it was more like a spoiled little brat kind of way. _What the fuck is this all about?_ I started to describe Michelle, thinking I would find out her strategy soon enough, but she stopped me mid sentence and revealed why this line of questioning seemed so important to her.

"Do you notice you're repeating yourself?" Sarah folded her arms across her chest and raised her eyebrow at me._ What am I repeating? Jodie was blonde and Sara was blonde...oh shit._

I realised Sarah thought I was only attracted to women who looked like Michelle. Judging by my history, I could see why she thought it. _Thank God she hasn't asked about women I've slept with. _I never really went for women just because they were blonde, or any specific attribute, but looking back almost every woman I have been with has been blonde. _But surely she doesn't think I'm not attracted to her because she doesn't fit the bill._

I couldn't help but smile, I know I shouldn't because the look on her face told me I could be in a world of shit if I put a foot wrong. She was jealous! Again!

"You think that's my type? You think that's what I look for in a woman?" I kept smiling and Sarah kept sulking.

"I think it is. I bet your two wives had fake tits too." I couldn't help it. I burst into laughter at her pull no punches approach to this and it amused me further that this was all fuelled by jealousy.

I tried to make it clear that I may have been married to blonde women but I was also divorced from blonde women, but she wasn't satisfied. I hoped it was just some temporary lapse in self esteem, but something told me it ran deeper than that. _I have to make her believe I want her and no one else._

"Is that why you say you don't trust me? You think I'll sleep with Michelle when I go back to work?"

"Not just Michelle...shit..." Sarah clamped her hand over her mouth to stop her from saying anything further, but she had said enough for me to believe this wasn't a problem a few compliments would make disappear.

"Why don't you just tell me what the real problem is?" I had to really listen this time and not laugh because this was clearly a bigger problem for her than I had thought.

"Every woman that you've described to me looks like every diva on the roster and I know you work away for months on end, it would be impossible for me not to be..." Sarah stopped herself finishing her sentence but I already knew how it was going to end. _She is jealous!_ I broke the promise to myself that I wouldn't make fun of this, but I couldn't hold back the smile as I thought this is the only thing she has done that is remotely like other women. That and the fact she knows she must feel something for her to be jealous and it was kind of fun to see her squirm at how uncomfortable she was with knowing it.

"Jealous?" I shouldn't have smiled because Sarah went right back to her folded arms and her sulking face. And then she went back to a now common place comment.

"Fuck you." _With pleasure!_

As much fun as this was for me, I had let my amusement cloud the fact this conversation started because Sarah was trying to figure out if we should be together or not and I hadn't really done much to convince her we are right together.

I pulled her chair out and she clung on for dear life. I knelt down in front of her and I could see her eyes were very serious in thinking I may be unfaithful.

I hated bringing Sara up in this, but I had to make My Sarah see that no matter how much I didn't like being with Sara I never once cheated, nor was I tempted to. _Until I met her. God, I wish I fucked her that night._

"Actually. I did get tempted once. I met a woman backstage a while ago and I swear I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my life and I wished I wasn't married because I really wanted to take her to my hotel room and show her how much she turns me on. In fact, I had to run off because I wanted her so much." I knew her response was going to hurt my ears, but I want to see that fire she hides and I want to see the look on her face when she realises I'm talking about her.

Sure enough, the cuss words started and the insults followed shortly there after and I got my wish. The fire in her eyes burned brightly and once she was done telling me what she thinks, she pursed her lips to stop anything else flying out.

I have had my fun and now it was time to get serious. I let Sarah know she was the only one to tempt me and I had to make her see that I would never want anyone but her. I tried to kiss her but she held back, not letting me show her how she makes me feel, but I had to keep trying.

"You want me to show you what looking at you does to me?" I kissed her again and this time she gave in. Her lips felt warm and soft, just like the rest of her incredible body.

I couldn't keep off, I touched her anywhere I had access to and the soft moans coming from her spurred me on. Sarah began her exploration of me, every touch sent shivers through me, every move she made killed me. Her hand worked my belt and she slid forward, pushing herself against the hardness I always got when I touched her. "Can you feel what you do to me?" _Please believe I don't want anyone but you.._

The control I tried to keep hold of was slipping away, I tried to hold back but I could feel Sarah's heart racing and her nails lightly tickling the back of my neck made me too weak to pull away. The way her body responded to me and the way she abandoned all her self control when I kiss her was something I wanted every day and I felt the fear of her telling me 'it's over' nestle in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped kissing her and looked into those deep blue eyes that showed me the person underneath her defences. "Do you still want this to be over?" _Tell me you know this is right._

Sarah dropped her eyes and shook her head. At first I thought she was saying 'no' but then she pushed my arms from around her and turned her head away. _Don't run away from this. _

"Maybe we could work on the distance thing and maybe I could trust you, but it still doesn't change the fact I may not ever feel that way for you." Sarah got up and went to drink some water and I was left on the floor with nothing but the instinct to fight. _I know I can get her to trust me and I know we could work something out with travel, but what if she never lets me in her heart?_ I know she cares, she must do if it bothers her that much that she thinks I would cheat, and I know she hides a Hell of a lot more than she lets on but if she would just stop being so shut down then she would fall for me.

I walked over and turned her to face me, I knew all I had to do was look in her eyes and they would tell me if I should fight for us. The softness and the sorrow were evident, she didn't want to give up either. _I'm not walking away from this._

"Well I suppose I just have to take a leap of faith then." I kissed her before she could argue back. I asked her to let me in but I had to kiss her again before she could answer me. The feeling she gave me from moments ago came back and threatened to take me over once more.

I bent down and kissed her chest, her heart pounding against my lips showed me she did feel something and I had to keep kissing her until she gave into it, but I couldn't give in until she told me she was ready to take another baby step towards me.

I swept the hair away that always fell into her eyes and looked to her for some kind of hope she would try. A smile lit up her face. _That's it, just keep believing I can make you happy. _I asked her once more to promise me to let me get close to her and she looked worried at first, breaking eye contact, but then I felt her hands on my bare chest and it once again brought the feeling that anything was possible and I knew I was now hers and she was now mine.

"I promise to try."

There was no uncertainty and no reason to hold back any more. Sarah's promise had given me permission to show her how she makes me feel and I took full advantage. I pushed her up against the refrigerator and pulled down her trousers and panties. Her blouse was fully open and I really wanted to taste every inch of her. Sarah had long since disposed of my clothes and she was no longer being shy with what she wanted.

"I want you, Mark...right now." _Who am I to deny giving her what she wants!_

I lifted her and carried her over to the table, laid her down and was about to do as she demanded when she stopped and pushed me away. _She better be fucking teasing me._

"Wait." I hoped she was trying to tell me she wanted to take control so I sat on the seat and waited for her but she looked really strange and then I knew why. A guy's voice called out and Sarah got up in a panic and I followed suit. I ran over to the sink and grabbed my jeans from the floor and Sarah hurried to get dressed and flew out of the kitchen only to stop in the doorway and spread her arms out to stop the intruder coming in. I felt like I had been caught by a girlfriends parents and actually wondered whether to sneak out of the back door.

Sarah made a funny comment letting the intruder know he was interrupting and I laughed too loudly. _Shit. Now if she was planning on lying to get him out of here, I just blew it._ I rested against the kitchen counter and fastened my belt. As I looked down, I saw Sarah's panties on the floor and thought it would be a good idea to pick them up. I put them in my back pocket and made sure there was nothing else laying around.

I heard them talking but my thoughts were telling this guy to fuck off. I wanted to get back to enjoying My Sarah.

"OK...Just let me..." Sarah's voice sounded meek and as she turned, her head dropped and she slowly walked over to me. I got the feeling something bad had happened and she wasn't going to deal with it well. I met her half way and took her hand, I remembered Stewie once telling me that every time something bad happens, Sarah closes herself off further and I hoped it wouldn't be the case now she had taken a step forward.

I asked what was wrong and I had the feeling she would say it was nothing – her favourite word- but she surprised me by telling me Alex had flown home to tell her something. I could see even admitting she was worried was a task and I held her in my arms to let her know it was OK to feel worried and that I would be here for her if she needed me.

I looked over the top of Sarah's head and saw a short guy who looked like the stereotypical old rocker. He had black hair, peppered with grey and wore old jeans with cuts in the knee, a faded T-shirt and he still had his shades on indoors.

Sarah went to sit with him and told this Alex guy that it was OK to tell her what ever it was in front of me. _Another step._

I didn't know what the Hell he said, some sort of cryptic shit that only the two of them knew the meaning of, but what ever it was had Sarah in tears.


	37. Show and Tell

**Hi all. I have been writing this story for so long and have written 3 different paths, totalling 98 chapters! so I'm merging the best bits! I have reached the point I have written up to so far without any 'merging' So I'll need a few days to post another chapter but I will leave you all on a high!**

**CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN**

**Show and Tell.**

Alex's words affected me more than I ever imagined it would, and I had imagined it a lot. I got up out of my chair and tears fell fast and hard, the flood that fell from my eyes started to erode the defences I had built to protect me from such a thing.

"Kiddo?" Alex got to his feet and took a few tentative steps towards me, unsure of how else I would react to the news. "Are you OK?" Alex put one arm out trying to reach for me, but never made contact. _Am I OK?_ I had pictured this day for almost 11 years and now that day had arrived, it is very difficult to know if I am in fact OK.

I tried to wipe the tears away, but there were too many for my sleeve to soak up. I looked to Alex, who had a very concerned expression, and thought about Mark's harsh words to me last night. His words made me realise how I affect others by shutting them out and now it was time to let them in.

"It's over." I finally spoke and the feeling I assumed I would have to this news reared it's head. _It's over. I'm free._ I hugged Alex, almost falling into his arms as the realisation hit me that it was in fact over. His arms encircled me and in a strange way, it felt like I had my dad back.

"Stewie was right about those pod people, wasn't he?" I let out a pathetic 'don't be daft' giggle but Alex had every right to be concerned at my lapse in strength. If ever I had a fleeting moment of weakness, it was never directed towards Alex. I love Alex dearly, he is my family, but something inside blamed him for being how I am. But that's over now.

"Sarah? Sweetheart, what's wrong?" I felt Mark's hand on my back and I went from one set of arms to another. Mark's arms tightened around me, holding me in my perfect place. My tears stopped and for the first time in my life I felt safe.

"Nothings wrong. Everything will be OK now." I believed the words I spoke. I could see dark clouds dissipate and the rays of sun that broke from behind them hadn't quite found my face but I could still feel their warmth.

"I don't understand." Of course Mark was clueless to what was going on and it must be confusing for him, but I wasn't ready to bring up the past just yet. I wanted to feel this relief for a while longer before I dragged everything up.

"I know you won't be happy with me for this, but I just want to have today to be the person I should have been. I know you don't understand what I'm talking about, but please just give me today." I looked into his eyes and I could see that he really didn't understand, but nether the less, he smiled and nodded.

I left Mark and Alex to become acquainted, on the understanding that Alex wouldn't tell Mark what has happened, and I went to clean myself up. I didn't want to see the look of pity written on his face. I had to have today before I saw the look in his eyes that would make me feel like a victim.

_Holy crap, I look a mess. _My mascara had run and remnants of it were smudged across the cuff of my sleeve. I got undressed and washed my make up off and studied my face in the mirror. I could the blueness of my eyes and for the first time ever, they wasn't reflecting the blueness of my soul. _Am I free? Is this really over now? _I listened for the low growl of my darkness that had been my company for twenty years, waiting for it's wicked chuckle at my foolishness of having a 'one day', but that chuckle never came. _Am I alone?_ Still nothing from my dark companion could be heard. I could finally concentrate on who I now am. _But who am I?_ _What kind of person am I now? _I felt a little scared of the prospect of having to find out what being 'a real boy' is like, so scared that I didn't dare think of my 'one day' dream just in case I heard my darkness laugh at me and take it all away.

I always knew I was different. I was always unaffected by life and people and it took me a long time to get over the frustration of not feeling things I should feel before I realised it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything I had done that made me that way. The blame was some one else's entirely.

With my racing mind preoccupied with the prospect of a new life, I showered again and hoped the pureness of the water would give pureness to the new me. A kind of baptism, but without the religious stuff that goes with it. As the water run over me I kept asking myself if I could truly be a new person when I heard a tapping sound on the shower door.

"Are you OK, sweetheart?" I instinctively covered myself up best I could before it sank in Mark couldn't see me. _I want to kiss the man who invented frosted glass!_

"I'm just fine." _But am I?_ I still couldn't hear the growl from within. "I think I really am." I couldn't keep the smile from my face as the fear of rediscovery lost it's grip.

"Are you sure, because you looked pretty upset downstairs."

"I really am, Mark. I'm happy." _I'm not lying and I'm not pushing him away any more. _"You make me happy." I expected the bravery of my words to taste like vinegar, but it didn't taste of anything. Nothing bitter or sour and nothing grumbling within me telling me I'm a liar. _I'm happy with Mark._

I felt a cool draft on my back and spun around lightening fast to find Mark had opened the shower door and was peering around it. I covered my 'lady bits' as fast as possible, but I fear I wasn't fast enough.

"What did you just say?" Mark wasn't looking at my body, he was looking straight into my eyes. _It seems the new me is self conscious! _For a fleeting moment I thought he wasn't looking at me because I wasn't his Barbie doll ideal, then I got lost in his eyes. Eyes that showed the emotion that lay behind them and I wasn't so upset that he wasn't looking where I expected him to. "Please don't tell me nothin' this time."

_Am I a brave person?_ "I said I'm happy." _OK, so I've still got a little bit of chicken in me. But sod it!_ "And I said you make me happy." My heart raced at the veracity of what I admitted but seeing Mark's smile inexplicably calmed me before it made me nervous. _Say something._

His silence made me wonder if I confused my bravery with weakness but Mark didn't need words. He stepped into the shower, fully clothed, and kissed me. Deeply. Fully. A kiss that left me with complete abandon. Something other than passion fuelled this kiss and I felt it too. I felt the warmth of joy sweep through me. Bringing my hands up to his now wet hair I pull him in closer, to keep his body against mine for as long as is humanly possible. His arms encased themselves around my wet naked body, holding me tight to him making sure I never ran away again. Our tongues intertwined and parted company over and over again, his lips gently kissing my lower lip, then my top lip before covering my mouth with his once more, his tongue exploring like this was a new sensation for him.

The tingles and the pulsing in between my legs took over any other feeling I had, even the feeling of doubt and fear melted away just like the ice around my heart.

Mark's soft teasing kisses found the place on my neck that makes me shiver, sending sparks flying and all my strength leave my frame. I was helpless against him.

"Let me see you, baby." Mark stepped backwards, trying to look at my naked skin but I went back to being shy. "Come on baby. I want to see you." _OK. Time to show him what I've got and Michelle McCool hasn't._

I dropped my hands from myself and studied Mark's face for a reaction. I couldn't help but look down to his dripping wet clothes and saw for myself what his reaction was. _Jesus!_

"You're beautiful." Mark rubbed his beard whilst studying every inch of me.

"And you're...you're..." I briefly pointed to his jeans before the heat in my cheeks told me I was blushing.

"Hard? Well get used to it, because that's what happens every time you walk into a room." Mark gave that sexy little half smile and took a few steps towards me, holding one arm against the tiles behind my head while he looked down at me, still smiling his sexy smile. "I don't want you to be shy. I want you to show me that fire in you that turns me on so much." _Oh dear..there goes my sanity again.._

"OK. If that's what you want, Mr Calaway!" _Think before speaking..._I couldn't help it. I couldn't control the things in my head I want to do to him. _I don't care how sexy he looks dripping wet...I want him naked and dripping wet._

I step in towards Mark, who is still leaning over me, my hands touch the wet fabric clung to his well toned chest and down to his stomach. _God I want to explore this body._

With help from Mark, his is now topless and almost ready to be feasted upon, but there is still too much of him covered up so I help myself to his belt, whipping it off in one swift motion and cracking it against the ground, like a dominant showing her pet who is in control.

"Damn, girl. You have got some fire in you." His sexy smile never leaving his lips. "Tell me what you want baby and I'll do it. Just give me the word." His smile turned into what ever lay beyond sexy, making me light headed and so hot and the memory of our flirting over dinner flooded my mind.

"You still have to tell me what that word is!" My racing heart waited for Mark to tell me the word in his deep, husky voice. I wanted the word to be something sexy and dirty.

Mark leaned closer to me, the smouldering look in eyes looked deep in to me, seeing the longing for him.

"The word is 'please Mark..' you can finish with what ever you want. And I do mean _whatever_ you want." Mark kissed me again in the sensitive spot at the curve of my neck and his promise of wanting to please me left my body longing to return the favour. I felt a veracity take over me, a kind of ferocious need to show him he would never need another woman again and I vowed I would make him feel the fire he so wants to see.

"Please Mark...take those fucking jeans off NOW!" _I'm going to have my fun with you._

Mark looked pleased with my demand as he unfastened the brass button then he slowly unzipped his jeans. The sound if it alone made my body lurch with anticipation of what I wanted to see and what I want to feel deep within me. He let his jeans fall to the floor of the shower, revealing his long muscular legs. His boxers clung to his very big and very hard cock, god, the look of it made me hungry. _I want to sink my teeth in.._

"Any thing else I can do for you?" Mark teased, and he knew full well what I was going to say.

"Yeah...lose the fucking shorts!"

"Yes ma'am!" Mark turned his back to me, and pulled down his boxers. _OK...now I'm hungry..._I pushed my body against his back, my hands feeling their way to his stomach. My mouth kissing, nibbling and licking the centre of his back between his shoulder blades made Mark take a deep breath in and force it back out. _Ooh.. Is this his sensitive spot? _I continued my tasting, I could hear Mark's breath deepen and become less controlled. A sexy growl rumbled in his throat and I felt a twisted delight knowing I had found a weakness and I planned to exploit it for my own pleasure.

"You like?" I asked, and all Mark could do was utter a simple but satisfying 'yes'. "What else do you like, Mark? What else can I do to you that leaves you breathless?" I didn't give him chance to answer. I turned him around, pushed him against the cold tiles of the wall and kissed him with all my might. His hard cock pressed against my hip and the heat in me threatened to ignite. His finger tips skimmed across my skin, expertly tantalising my need for him to touch me in places that would have me on my knees. Tingles, desire and pure undiluted lust oozed from every pore for this naked sexy man and I had no choice but to give into how he makes me feel.

"Please Mark...Tell me what you want me to do to you." I held his gaze as I felt Mark's hand cover mine and began pushing slowly downwards.

"I want you to touch me in the way that only you can. I want you to feel me." _Fuck... _I stopped at Mark's desired destination and couldn't get over the size of him. My mouth watered with every ridge and every inch of his cock as I touched and teased it. Mark shuddered and let out a moan, his hand tightened it's grip on my thigh and it got me so fucking hot that I could only pray I wouldn't die in the flames. "You make me fucking crazy."

"You like the way I do this?" I traced the tip of his cock with the tip of my finger and Mark near on fell over.

"Jesus fuck...god I love it." The smile on my face couldn't be hidden and the beams of pride were there for all to see. "Does making me this hard please you? Does it prove how much I want you, baby?" _Oh god keep fucking talking. _

I was close to passing out. The steam from the shower and the steam from Mark's unadulterated words had me at a loss for air, his hands touched me with a grace and deft that shouldn't be possible from a man of his size and ruggedness, but none the less, he had me on the brink of losing my mind. He pushed me backward until I could go no further and held my hands over my head against the tiles behind. I struggled to get my hands free, I love the way he feels in my hand, I love the look on his face and the moans that escape his lips while I torture him with my touch and I wanted more.

"I'm gonna have to hold you back for a while, you don't want me to cum so soon, do ya?" Mark went back to nuzzling my neck and took my breath away before I could answer. I raised my leg up and curled it around his waist, trying to feel closer to his hardness, but Mark kept moving away from me. My frustration built. The slow, teasing need to search his body further made way for urgency.

"Just fuck me, Mark." _Oh!_ I never spoke like that before and as shocked as I was at myself, it felt freeing. Mark bit down on my neck and told me he wasn't through with me yet.

He let go of one of my hands and I couldn't resist touching his cock once more, feeling it throb in the palm of my hand. Mark gave a sumptuous groan and it spurred me on all the more. I tightened my grip and moved my hand up and down repeatedly becoming faster with every stroke. _Let me make you weak..._

"Fuck...Baby you...have to...stop..." _NO!_ I liked the twisted and sadistic pleasure of making Mark feel weak and I wasn't prepared to stop until he was prepared to give me what I need.

"The only way I'll stop is if you fuck me right now!" I wasn't going to be moved in my defiance and I tightened my grip on his cock even more. The torrent of shallow moans that fell from Mark made me shiver with pleasure at what I could do to him.

"Just...don't..." I knew he was on the brink, I could feel him ready to burst and no matter how much I want him inside of me, I love making him feel like this. "God...I'm going to..."

"No you're not!" I let go and Mark didn't know whether to be relieved or pissed off.

"You drive me fucking crazy...you're going to be sorry for this!" Mark sent his alluring threat through the air and I caught it with delight.

Mark pressed his lips against mine with a force that sent shock waves through my blood, his hands grasping and groping at my flesh ripped any thoughts of teasing him out of my head. _Make me weak. _I wrapped my leg around him once more to send him a message I wanted to be taken, but it went unheard.

Or I thought it did. "I want to hear you scream first." Mark demanded that I orgasm and who was I to deny him? His lips trailed down my neck, kissing every new square inch of skin he came in contact with. His teeth lightly biting at my bare wet breasts, his tongue flicking over my hardened nipples, causing me to yelp out in pleasure.

Mark spent minutes that felt like hours on my breasts, his hands joined in the exquisite torment his mouth had created before he left me breathless and wanting.

He kissed my lips gently and as the warm water ran down in between our bodies, Mark told me it was Monday. He wanted his taste of England. _Oh no..what if I don't like it?_

"But..Mark..." I was too late. Mark skimmed down my body and lifted my leg onto his shoulder. "Please Mark..." His tongue found the little nub of flesh and it felt incredible. The flames rose and I could do nothing but surrender to his will.

Everything started to blur as the climax tore through me with savage intensity. Time stopped and the planets aligned, lightning struck within me and the flashes of thunder rumbled through every nerve. Every dark space within illuminated with a pleasure I couldn't control. I was lost in paradise. _I...can't..even...think... _My breath came hard and fast and the lightness in my head added to the dizzying heights Mark had taken me to.

Mark stood up, letting my limp leg fall off his shoulder. I had to hold on to him for dear life or else I would have sunk to the ground as he began whispering his alluring words yet again.

"I don't think I can stand up!"

"You keep me up, so I'll keep you up!" Mark winked at me before kissing me softly. My body melted against his, and the feeling of him throbbing against me aroused the desperate need to feel him to push into me, to fill me with his cock.

"Mark..." I managed to whimper as his hands found my breasts yet again.

"Tell me what you want baby" He asked, but already knew. Before I could plead with him, he lifted my leg and pushed himself against me, against the heat that was still hungry for more. Mark slid his hand behind me and I could feel him on the verge of penetrating me. "Tell me this is what you want."

"I want this Mark, I want you." _Just make me feel._

Mark advanced his cock slowly into me, never taking his eyes away from mine, before thrusting deeper and deeper into me until he could go no further. My craving for him urged his body to add pace to his shallow thrusts, wanting to feel fulfilled once more.

I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but tighten my walls around him as another orgasm spread it's wings.

Mark panted more devilishly sexy remarks before I felt him slow down. _Oohh. Don't stop..._I could feel the aftershocks of my climax building into another assault on my senses. "Mark, please keep going." I tangled my fingers in his hair keeping him close to me.

"I just need to slow down baby, you have no idea how fucking good you feel." The frustration built once more. As good as he feels gently sliding in and out of me, I needed him to show me his teeth. I needed him to show me what he's made of.

"And you have no fucking idea how much I want you to cum inside me." _Oh my! Me and my mouth!_

Mark's sexy little chuckle was accompanied with a fierce glint in his devastating green eyes and I knew I was about to get my wish.

"That fire in you makes me so fucking hard." Mark pushed into me as hard as he could, quickening his rhythm and quickening my loss of restraint. Tremors and tingles spread through me like a rash as I could feel Mark on the verge of bathing my insides with his virility. He laid into my body harder and faster with every thrust and as his hand tightened it's grip on my leg, Mark let out a huge moan that sent me spiralling out of orbit as he came inside me. The feel of it made my body respond in kind.

With one last thrust into me, Mark's body relaxed and I almost fell to the ground. The calming sensation washed over me like the water from the shower, I was still lost somewhere in space and I hoped no one would find me and return me to Earth. _Fuck...best sex ever!_

"What's the smile for, darlin'? Enjoy that did you?" Mark placed a kiss on my mouth that still couldn't close properly for all the oxygen my lungs needed to absorb.

"It was OK, I suppose!" I couldn't keep a straight face

"Oh well, if that's how you feel, I'm cutting you off!" Mark joked, but I could see he knew full well he wouldn't dare!

I giggled at him and then noticed my wrinkled fingertips. "I think we should turn the water off now. I'm shrivelling up!"

"Not yet, darlin'. I made a bit of a mess and I think I should be a gentleman and get you cleaned up!" Mark's devious grin was accompanied by a lingering kiss and a silent promise he wasn't done with me yet.

"OK, darlin' you got me worked up enough here. I think it's my turn now." Mark took the bottle of shower gel out of my hand and I sulked. I had spent the best part of fifteen minutes cleansing his body. I loved the slippery smoothness of his skin as I had taken my time making sure every part of him felt my touch. "Turn around." _Yes sir! Oh no...wait!_

"I am just fine stood here thank you." _I can't let him see my back. _Mark questioned my reluctance and I really didn't want him to see, but if things were going to progress with Mark, then he would have to see sooner or later. I figure it was better to do it now while he was relaxed...and not so relaxed in other places!

"I didn't want you to see my tattoo because I don't want you to think bad of me." I was nervous as hell and all Mark could do was laugh at me.

"Why don't you want me seeing? Do you have a guy's name tattooed on there or somethin'?" _Well..._

"Actually...I have fifteen guy's names on there." Mark wasn't laughing any more. His face conveyed to me he wasn't happy with my comment and I knew I should have just shown him, but I liked watching as his jealousy reared it's head.

"Are they like your fucking conquests or somethin'?"

"They're not mine. They're yours."

"What?...mine?..."

"Listen to me Mark, I want you to know something before I show you. What I have tattooed on me..it's not what this is about. It's not why you're here." _Come on, Sarah. Make him see this isn't why. _"It's not why I want to be with you." My honesty softened Mark's features but his curiosity still lingered. I turned my back and lifted my hair, showing him my ink.

He stayed silent and I felt the urge to beg him not to be mad at me for this. I heard him utter something, but I couldn't hear what over the running water.

"Mark..."

"Shush, darlin'" I felt Mark's hand on me and began to trace the outline of my tattoo with his fingertip, causing goosebumps to raise all over my body. When he had done the full circuit, I braced myself for how he could react to this, but then I felt him place a kiss on my back and pushed my shoulders forwards, perhaps to get a better look, then Mark pulled my hips back and slid his hand around my front, finding the spot he could so masterfully manipulate. _Oh fuck.. _All the teasing I had done to Mark while I washed him had me about ready to blow and now as I feel his fingers work me up even more, I pushed right back against him and I felt his cock standing fully to attention!

"You feel so..."

"Hard? I told you not to be shy baby, I wanna hear all about the naughty thoughts that go through your mind. Now tell me what you make me." _Oh, double fuck..._ I had no idea how his words could turn me on so much, I hated being spoken to the way he speaks to me but his voice, his command, had a paralysing allure that enchanted me to his will.

"Hard. You feel hard, really hard." I cringed slightly, but Mark's reaction made it bearable.

"Spread those legs baby. I'm gonna show you how hard I can be."

As I stepped out of the shower, Mark held up a towel and encased me in it's softness. My body was still coming down from Mark's harsh thrusts and I was sure I was going to have a bruised hip from where he dug his hand into me, keeping me close. But god, it felt amazing!

"What do you want to do now?" Mark asked with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"What I want and what my body can take are two separate things right now! How about we get dressed and I'll make you a coffee while I explain about the game." Mark looked confused until it dawned on him I was giving him a taste of England today.

I thought back to him going down on me and I couldn't hide the smile. I had never enjoyed it before now, men never got it right and I always felt frustrated and bored. But this I could get used to!

"Right. I'll get dressed and then tell you all about the off-side rule!"

Who knew losing my mother could be such fun?


End file.
